Killing myself


Jahanshah Javid
by Jahanshah Javid

I looked out the window as the plane was approaching Chihuahua airport. I saw dirt roads in dry, almost desert-like areas that seemed to lead to nowhere. They made me think of my latest exit plan: I would drive my car into the desert until it ran out of gas. There would be no food or water and no way to go back. I would smash the windows, rip out and trash the inside and then set the car on fire so that when my body was found, the detectives would be baffled as to what had happened. Kidnappers or drug dealers would be among the prime suspects. And over time, suspicion would eventually turn to certainty, since the case would never be solved.

It's not one of my best plans, but with a little refinement, it could work.


I think about killing myself a lot. I wouldn't say every day, but certainly several times a month. I toy with the idea for a few minutes and I realize it's stupid or impossible. Any seemingly difficult problem or unbearable situation makes me want to die. These "problems" are almost always trivial, certainly nothing to end my life over. And lately it's the thought that I have done and experienced enough in life. What else is there?


I've only made one attempt at suicide. A feeble one, really. I don't think it even counts as an attempt. I was living in London with my first wife and my daughter. Early 1988? I was sitting on the couch in the living room of our house in Tooting, south London. I had a bottle of prescription pain killers the doctor had given me for my severe back aches. It was not the pain that made me want to die, but my marriage, then in its 7th year. I had asked, begged, my wife for a divorce several times. The first was only three months after our marriage. I was only 19 and she was 20 when we got married. We were so young and inexperienced. We didn't know shit about life. Every time I brought up divorce, my wife would start crying and tell me to be patient, that things would improve, that divorce was taboo in her traditional family and she would be destroyed, that I should think about our little daughter and how she would be damaged growing up without a father. I would believe her, feel sorry and back down. But after every argument, I was left feeling more trapped, helpless and depressed. There was no way out.

I poured a few pain killers into my hand. I stared at the orange capsules for a while. They were my ticket to freedom. They were going to save me from further misery. How many should I take? Five? Ten? I swallowed three capsules for a start. Then the gravity of the situation hit me. What if I didn't die? What if I was dragged to the hospital and saved? How would I live with the shame of having attempted suicide? What if death was slow and painful? What would happen if I died? My wife would be devastated. My sweet little girl would be scarred for life. My family, my friends... I couldn't do it. I chickened out.

Few months later my wife and I finally separated. This time I was adamant about divorce. The crisis was over. THAT crisis was over. But I still think of suicide as an option when I face a tough challenge, or when I get bored and tired of life.


When I got hired by the BBC Persian Service as a freelance reporter in Washington DC in 1998, the first story I did was about a best-selling book called "Final Exit", a how-to guide for those who want to end their life. I didn't actually read it.


My mother told me she once bought a gun to kill herself. At the time she was living in Florida and was in her early 60's. I don't remember the circumstances exactly. She said she couldn't go through with it. I was shocked. My mother contemplating suicide -- with a gun?!

None of my suicidal thoughts have involved a gun. Guns are for grown-ups!

I'm sure immaturity and irresponsibility play a big role in my desires to die. I just don't want to deal with adversity like an adult. I'd rather run away or I always try to think of something that would make my suicide look like an accident or a murder. Like driving into a barrier at high speed. I'm a bad enough driver that an accidental car crash would look more than plausible. Or I could leave some clues that would seem I've been killed by either the CIA, MI6, Mossad or the IRI. Or it could be set up to blame it on extremists from the far left to the far right.


What has stopped me every time has been two things. One, I love my daughter too much. I just don't want to ruin her life. Two, I can't tolerate pain. I guess pain is a message from your body telling you to regain health; the will to survive, to live. Love and sex, food, movies, people, cultures, dogs, flowers and places I've never seen are also making me hang around.

But I wonder: if I could end my life as easily, instantly and painlessly as flipping a switch, would I do it? I'm just glad that switch doesn't exist.


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Reza-Rio de Janeiro


by Reza-Rio de Janeiro on

On Dariush Zahab soccer program last night, there was a part about Afsin Ghotbi who is going to lead Team Melli Iran hopefully to the World Cup 2010 in South Africa.

In this program, It was quoted from Ghotbi that while he was in IRAN (leading Persepolis) He asked his Iranian (and so called professional) players to watch, analyze, debate and eventually learn from a video of a match Afshin provided to them which was between Manchester United and Arsenal of England (Two Power house clubs in the world football that have so much to teach as excellent examples.)

During this very serious educational meeting, most Perspolis players turned into bunch of Kinder gardeners and started to clowning around and turned the class into a circus! Hence, at the end, they didn't learn anything and we can all see the result of their "Know it all/ clownish" attitutes without any positive learning and actions in domestic and AFC champions league this year! Same goes for our beloved Team Melli's results in the qualifiers....

We Iranians (in general) think that we know it all and are the best in the world! We start mocking others and make fun of everyone and everything even when they are honest & educational! 

This very same clowing around/ Know IT ALL attitute is used by so many Iranians inside and outside Iran in every aspect of life....

My earlier comment in my last post was for JJ mainly while other serious people could perhaps also benefit from them if they wish ,but No! Some one who knows it all had to jump in and mock a serious comment with ... ! It's OK dude, you were cute, we got it.... :-)


It Was Nice Knowing You...

by eroonman on

But before you kick the koozeh, you might want to also read these books;

"Life in Hell, Living an Iranian Life in America" by Mehdi Koloochehreh

"The Curse of Koobideh & Soltani" by Zahreh Marr

"Evil Persian Women and the poor innocent men they torture", by Patty O'Ray

"IRI Irie! The 2009 Party Guide for Islamics", by Ayatollah Jamon-No-Problem and DJ "DooghMaster" Mohsen Mansoorgholizadeh

"Zen-Deh, Taoism and the absent Art of Iranian Seduction", by Abbie Dollah

Reza-Rio de Janeiro

Jahanshah Javid

by Reza-Rio de Janeiro on

Hi JJ,

Thanks for many years of your services to Iranians and none-Iranians.

I was amazed with your courage to write about such sensitive subject about yourself, your life situations and feelings and here are my few suggestions I would like to share with you if I may! After all, our lives should not be mistaken for our lives situations (Titles, accomplishments, money and personal relationships to any one or any matter) :

1- Please seek any information about the Energy Medicine and a specialist who can help you to live a healthier life :




2- If you haven't read this already, Please read any book by Eckhart Toll ! "Power Of Now", "Practice The Power of Now" " New Earth, Oneness With All Life".


You can also see his DVDs and see him live during his speeches and seminars in your city or one near you.

Also read another great book by Dr. Hawkins called: "Power vs Force" :


3- An Older Italian movie called : " Meditarraneo" (Last moments of the movie and the last sentence/dedication are really enlightening...)


4- Take a long trip to any Latin/ Greek countries/islands on mediterranean coast in Europe or to South America (mainly Brazil) to disconnect from all the pains and superficialities that Modern countries on one side and Fanatic countries on the other have infilicted on you (and us) all and for so long !!! Life is honestly way too short ...





Meanwhile, You are  helping so many people in your own way and besides your love for your daughter, that should be yet another reason to accept and respect your impermanent life like every one else...

Best wishes,  


Thank you Barefoot!

by Monda on

I've been thinking about that fascinating documentary since I read JJ's blog and there you said it!


JJ & Suicide

by merima (not verified) on

I must confess that I never thought of suicide in my 34 years of life on this earth until my third round of chemo. After that, I remember thinking; if getting better is going to be like this, I think I would rather die. It was a fleeting thought which never recurred despite another five rounds of chemo almost as though my psyche hit rock bottom and then had nowhere to go but up. Every day of my illness I looked forward to a day when I would be cured and living again. Really living. Ever since then, I really try to enjoy every emotion and experience I have, good or bad, because it means I am alive so I can experience life, a life I almost lost. It's like anything else, the more you pay for it, the more you appreciate it. According to the words of a famous Balkan writer "Anything that doesn't hurt isn't happiness and anything that doesn't pass isn't life". I suppose it's all a matter of perspective.

hamsade ghadimi

i don't know you but...

by hamsade ghadimi on

the best advice i ever heard: never feel sorry for yourself.

it's the essential ingredient for the greatest crime against oneself, suicide (i guess it would make self-pity the second greatest crime).  it sounds trivial and cliche but this maxim has simplified my life greatly.  pir shi inshalla.


The Bridge

by barefoot on

Have you seen the documentary, "The Bridge"?  It's about people who've committed suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.  One of the most moving moments was an interview with a young man who had jumped off the bridge and survived.  He said that, in the exact moment his hand let go of the bridge, he realized that all his problems were fixable.


She was shy and quiet

by Anonymous, (not verified) on

Many years ago when I was 12 my 19 year old female cousin comitted suicide.......
She was shy and quiet, an introvert... she was a poet an amateur writer and a beautiful girl.....
She was not in love,nothing over a man, so that was not the reason. She did come from a broken home but both parents were around to be with her and her brother... she was not truly happy but nor was she very unhappy to the outside world..... but I've been told she had told some of her friends she could find no meaning in life-- at 19!
I remeber for years nothing was the same ever again.....
I'm not referring to you JJ, I know you will do no such thing.... But for those who do they truly devastate the ones who are left behind, the ones who loved them.
The loss ravaged the family...
The question as to "why" still lingers in our family nd when her name is mentioned we fall silent...
and this happened more than 37-38 years ago...

Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

As long as we have our dreams......there is

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on


by Langston Hughes

 Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.


Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow.



anonymous fish

i think this might be one of the best things you've done.

by anonymous fish on

it was pretty insightful.  not scary at all... most people know that narcissists rarely hurt themselves...:-0

seriously though, someone who writes a blog about suicide is about the last person who will actually perpetrate the deed.  nonetheless, i join the hundreds, if not millions, who would miss you desperately.

and most people have entertained the thought without even realizing it.  my son is the final verdict for me. i simply could not leave him to live with the questions.

interestingly enough, i just re-read Beach Music by Pat Conroy.  suicide is ALWAYS a factor in his books but more so than usual in this one. 

i also lost my 15 year old nephew.  i can't believe i just wrote those words in public.  i can't go on.



by BK (not verified) on

Goes without saying that I, along with most (if not all :)) who have had the pleasure of reading and posting on over the years, would be horrified should you ever decide to top yourself and would never wish this to happen.

However, I just gotta ask: any chances of putting all your valuables/assets/cash in my name, you know, just in case?


Do some volunteer work

by kashanist (not verified) on

This subject is very human and seems to be true in a large number of people who get bored and tired of living and what comes with it. I recommend getting a dog and volunteering in an orphange or a nursing home or a charity organization. Help people and you will find "excitment". That's all.

Jahanshah Javid

Here to stay

by Jahanshah Javid on

Doostan, azizan,

I'm NOT going to kill myself! But I have thought about it -- just like many others have during their lifetime. It is nothing unusual.

The difference is that I like to talk about topics which most people avoid because they think they are too sensitive or controversial.

My belief is that keeping silent about subjects like this is wrong. The more sensitive the topic, the more reason to bring it out in the open and deal with it.

I am very grateful for your concern, love and support. I assure you that I have learned a lot from this discussion. I hope you have too.

Love you to death :o)



Cheshmhaa baaz .....

by Banou on

Mageh goush nakardi Juju? Stop being ambitious about being happy and be content instead. Aii! Super creative people like you, che kaaretoun konim? Constantly searching for more, better, elsewhere. The fall from illusion can be harsh.

Cheshmhaato baaz kon aziz. This is the life you got. Look closely at its details : they are neither good nor bad, neither happy nor sad. They just are. So be.

Haalaa hamegi baa ham : Ommmm. (Albateh cheshmhaato inja baayad bebandi) :)


Jahanshah jan

by Hajminator on

Sabr-lah :) Your community needs you.


jahanshah jaan


Don't do it. You'll get dead bored and there will be no coming back, and if you realise that you've been given a tiny fraction of a tinniest moment in the life of the cosmos and you end it any earlier because you are fed up with me and others, that will be just silly, for the loss of a better word.  My granny always said, life is like a blink of an eye, well don't end it half blink if you can help it.  Besides, we'll miss you terribly.  I don't think there are many people who would be so missed.  


if you do

by Anonymous77 (not verified) on

don't forget to do it in a way that doesn't leave a mess behind and don't forget to send me a ticket for your funeral in mexico. Cheers

Orang Gholikhani

less poetic

by Orang Gholikhani on

You have also lesser poetic way


JJ/Orang....Flamingo road!

by Souri on

"driving to desert since you can, very poetic idea"

If you want to kill yourself in this way with a poetic content, don't take Vegas road, but go to Florida's Flamingo Road. This is the road which lead to Everglade........that's very poetically dangerous road!!

If by chance you get one of those horrible rainy storms, you will feel that strong feeling of "dying under the beauty" which I'm speaking of.

We'd experienced it in 1991 but fortunately had survived!! Because we loved to live.....

Good luck!

Orang Gholikhani

Most discussed !!!

by Orang Gholikhani on


Whaoo there are so much comments in this blog ! I wonder if somebody else create the same post if people react in the same manner !

It is proof that you are apreciate and it seems that most of people who commit suicide they want to fail and it is a way to have people attention. We could say you succeed only with words :-)

Nobody said, if you kill yourself, what about !

Take care and be happy.

PS: I find your idea: driving to desert since you can, very poetic idea. If you don't mind I'll use it later ;-)


Chill rather than Kill

by capt_ayhab on

I am not a psycho therapist, But I have dealt with someone who has had suicidal thoughts for 4 years, she has even attempted several times.

This person that I am talking about was and is very dear to me, and because of concerns I have had for her well being I have sought many professional opinions, either from my own friends that are in this field or from her attending psychologist.

Scientific consensus are that suicidal thought are by product of deeper psychological abnormalities which can easily be diagnosed. In case of my friend, she was diagnosed of being bipolar and now after many years and with the help of trained professionals and new generation medications she is well into recovery road.

JJ jan, if you have not sought professional advice, with trained people who specialize in this field, I suggest that you do that. Having said this allow me to give you ONE reason why you should not kill yourself.

YOU...... YOU are the only rerason that YOU should NOT commit this act.



Suicidal dreams

by Kablammad (not verified) on

When you fall from a bridge or a mountain top in your dream, is it a suicidal dream? I get my stomach churned every time I fall off a cliff in my dreams but I never die in it.

"I just don't want to deal with adversity like an adult."

This is another subject all by itself and has nothing to do with suicidal tendencies. It also has to do with the "type" of adversity.


Dear JJ :

by Tahirih on

I have been reading all the comments and it is interesting that all are colored by commentators value's, so here it comes , mine....

Aziz , I believe that every person is on this planet because of a reason. If we fulfil our destiny then we are going to leave this earthly life with joy.

 As far as you , from where I am standing you are doing just fine;)) your existence is very important to lots of addicted Iranian .com participants,if you don't believe me ask people who can not leave this site, well they leave but come back reincarnated:)))

"Gozashteh az shokhie", just know that all the hardship , emotional pain and supposedly wrong decisions that you made (or we all make), life has prepared you to do what your doing right now at this moment in life.

 It is not a small thing , your bringing unity to this fragmented, hurt and emotionally fragile Iranian community.

we all have been there, sometimes running away is easier than facing the pain, but we have to forgive, not only the people who brought pain to our lives, but above all OURSELVES for mistakes and wrong decisions that we made  in our life's journey.

keep well our good site manager,





by JJ-KHOSHTEH-MARO (not verified) on

Obviously you are not serious about this killing yourself business since you were right by the Golden Gate bridge just a couple of weeks ago and every body knows that's one bridge worth jumping over. Hell, after the show; I could have walked you over there and pushed you right along. Chera nagofti?

Now that it's too late, wait until I visit you down in Mexico for a road trip around the country. Then I'll promise to kill you with my own bare hands.

Hang in there, we are all on the same boat and it is not on a pond, it is on a freaking ocean for Pete's sake ... you are just sea sick ... a throw up and you'll be fine.

Manoucher Avaznia

جی جی؛

Manoucher Avaznia

به نظر من این اقدام خودخواهانه فقط از ترسوها سر می زند.  تو باید خودت را آزاد کنی.  می دانی چه می گویم؟  رهایی از خود.  باید در معبود فنا شوی وگرنه هر لحظه تو دردناکترین درد متصور است.  منطق الطیر را بخوان و سیمرغ شو.  نگران مرگ نباش.  ما هر لحظه می میریم.  مرگ چیز دهشتناکی نیست.  در آستین پوستین فرسوده و فروفکنده ات معنایی آرمیده است.  آنرا بجوی.. 

برای شوخی می گم.  یه وقت این کارو نکنی بلاگ نویسها یتیم می شن و سلطنت طلبها خوشحال.

مگه بیکاری خودکشی کنی.  یک گل از صد گل تو نشکفته است.



by Theosopher (not verified) on



Would have been an excellent solution for terminating the existential agonies of one's life... if indeed it could have ‘ended’ them.



Jahanshah I'm glad...

by KHAR777 (not verified) on

You didn't take those orange pills in those years long ago and lived to talk about it. Aziz, you are not alone having those thoughts and from my own experinces I can tell you this much; nothing in ones life is permanent even pain however painfull. Good, bad or ugly you only get one try at Life!

PS. besides if you are not here who are gonna blame for the problems of Iran and the world :o))


please delete

by Souri on

That was in response to another comment which has been deleted now.

You may delete this one too. Thanks.


Sadegh Hedayat had similar

by sadegh1 (not verified) on

Sadegh Hedayat had similar thoughts. I finally discovered what his problem was.
It took some time and alot of reading. His problem was that he cared much about history and he was feeling bad that Persia had been invaded by Omar's army and some women had been taken by arabs. He felt bad that maybe his how blood had arab blood.
JJ , you do not look like an arab at all.



by Mehrban on

I think that the most memorable suicide is Anna Karanina's.  When in the confusion and anxiety of her child having been taken away, her lover -she assumes- courting another woman and society shunning her, she throws herself in front of a train and right then she has a sober moment and she thinks, what am I doing!  as the train hits her.  

To me it is the most haunting split second ever.  That moment of sobriety.