by Daryush

Four days ago I got home late around eleven and sat on my sofa facing the balcony. I remember clearly only because it was then while I was looking at the dark sky outside of my window that five symbolic knock hit my door. I ran happily to open. I knew it was Eli. She was smiling and asked if I am happy to see her. I didn’t need to tell her. It’s been about a month now that we are letting go. I am not sure how to put it, but we are not shy to allow ourselves to develop feelings.

She had told me many times that she knows me too well to feel romantic about me. For nights I was thinking about what she had said and gradually entered the stage of depression. A month ago she came in to my bedroom and told me that she can’t imagine life without me. Since then I come home, cook dinner and she comes in and we dine and play, laugh and talk all night. There is something strange though. I know what it is but I don’t know where it comes from. There is a cloud that hangs right above us! Simply put, I just don’t see us together. I feel, as any day things will change. Why do I feel like this?

Two days ago Sina calls and tells me that he did not get the job. He has been trying for a while now. He still lives with his parents and hopes to become independent. I listened but cut him off and talked about Eli. He knew it was coming anyways. I had realized that it was not Tehran, my apartment, or my job that had made me the happiest man alive. About a month ago I saw Eli dressed up and had put my favorite perfume on. She passed me saying a friendly hi and ran to the elevator. She seemed too excited going on a date, she seemed too excited going on a date, she seemed…the word kept repeating in my head and I couldn’t get it out. It was her that I wanted, not Tehran, not anywhere, just her. I asked Sina to come to see me since I needed a company. He came and thankfully with a bottle of Aragh or Vodka. I spilled my heart out and told him that I love Eli, I wanted Eli, and I couldn’t let her go. The thought of another man with her was banging my head and my senses were running wild. Chilled and hot simultaneously. My breathings irregular and loud had made Sina nervous. He tried to calm me down. He told me that he was shocked at my sudden reaction. I had always run away from relationships. I do not want to get married and had made that clear to everyone that I had ever met. I went to the balcony and shouted Eli, Eli God damn it Eli… And there was a tender voice that followed, Zahr e maret Daryush. I smiled and ran out…

She had asked me if I was jealous, and I said no way. I didn’t want her to see me weak. I found out that she was not on a date but went out with her friends to a movie and Pizza. I am still not sure what had happen to me and I am not even sure if Eli knows it.

She entered my apartment four days ago and went straight to the mini bar area. She asked if I wanted any, I didn’t but said yes. She was acting cold but smiling warm. I couldn’t read her well. She asked if I had missed her that day, I didn’t answer. I never liked this girl and boy thing that as soon as they get a bit close they begin this I miss you, no I miss you, no I miss you crab. She was looking at me. Let me spill my hearty to you people. Eli is beautiful. She is just an amazing person, powerful, driven, passionate, and whatever nice thing that comes to your own mind. To me, she is beautiful and that’s just it. I hate to talk about her eyes and face, it’s cheesy and it would sound like a novel rather than my diary. At this point all I can think of is that I love my life and I love Eli.

Last entry: Tehran (//iranian.com/main/blog/daryush/tehran)


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more from Daryush
Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

Oh my God!

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

You are in love with her. I don't get it, if she is sooo wonderful, why so reluctant to tell her?

Someone as great as Eli will not be around forever.

Seriously, stop and think! Is she the match that you have been waiting for?


Jayeh ma ra ham khali kon in Tehran!

by Jaleho on

Have a lot of fun Daryush jon. I just clicked on your related Tehran blog that you provided also, and enjoyed a lot.

I have a brother who lives now in Iran, Tehran mostly and shomal partly, best combination; every time I go there I become so jealous! Like myself, he lived a good chunk of his adulthood in the US, but unlike me and just like you, he was single here and could pack and go back.  Some of our older friends seem to be doing this for their retirement, sell their house here, kids gone to college and they live a happier, more connected and cheaper life back in Iran. But, someone like my brother or yourself who are young and went back, are just TOOOOO lucky. He got most of what he could enjoy in the States, made his money, then went back to Iran when it got boring and the even irritating in here. He was lucky that many of his highschool friends never left, and I find it amazing that when I visit, these guys are having the same fun that they used to have in their high school years! Early morning kooh before they go to office, and late night kabob and chai and aragh and varagh.

I wish you the best luck with your Eli. My brother has his own Eli there too and I also am amazed that many Iranian women are perfectly happy living in a realtionship rather than a marriage. I love her as my brother's wife, and my very best guide whenever I am in Iran ;-)


PS. Why some people say they don't believe you live in Iran? What kinda sickly pleasure one might get claiming to live in X while living in Y?!! Only a sick mind can doubt that. I guess maybe becasue Iranian.com is blocked on internet cafe's in Iran, they assume that you can't get it in your home either. I have used it myself many times in Tehran, but the speed can get very slow with the fastest connections in Iran. I don't like to waste time on the computer in Iran except for my emails. For those inside, they have learned to tolerate the slower speed, just like we all did some 10 years ago in the states.

Maryam Hojjat

Talk to Eli about your feeling

by Maryam Hojjat on

and tell her how much you love her but you are confused.  May be you need to take a trip without her and think what you feel. 

Good Luck!


Perhaps this poem is more appropriate

by ramintork on


by Ernest Dowson (1867 – 1900)

I was not sorrowful, I could not weep,

And all my memories were put to sleep.

I watched the river grow more white and strange,

All day till evening I watched it change.

All day till evening I watched the rain

Beat wearily upon the window pane

I was not sorrowful, but only tired

Of everything that ever I desired.

Her lips, her eyes, all day became to me

The shadow of a shadow utterly.

All day mine hunger for her heart became

Oblivion, until the evening came,

And left me sorrowful, inclined to weep,

With all my memories that could not sleep.


Its very passionate - I like that

by ramintork on

The fire of love! 

Sonnet 30

by Edmund Spenser (1552 – 1599)

My love is like to ice, and I to fire:

How comes it then that this her cold so great

Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,

But harder grows the more I her entreat?

Or how comes it that my exceeding heat

Is not allayed by her heart-frozen cold,

But that I burn much more in boiling sweat,

And feel my flames augmented manifold?

What more miraculous thing may be told,

That fire, which all things melts, should harden ice,

And ice, which is congealed with senseless cold,

Should kindle fire by wonderful device?

Such is the power of love in gentile mind,

That it can alter all the course of kind.

Multiple Personality Disorder

I don't believe a word you say

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

...but that's O.K., don't let that stop you.  I love your stories so far, so don't never mind me, just keep on writing, meanwhile I'll try to come up with a reason why I love them, I think it's because I'm a bullshitter myself.