Advice: “Premature Evacuation”


by eyeranian

I hope Kobra Khanoom doesn’t mind but I am taking JJ’s suggestion to reply to all questions from my own male point of view, so this is one of hers:

A friend of mine called on the phone. He said he missed his wife, even though he initiated divorce, hated being married and believes he can't be a good husband or father. "Should I beg her to come back?" he asked.

Dear “friend”: My reply can be summed up in these two words: HELL NO! Sorry for being a bit blunt but begging is a horrible way to start or re-start a relationship. What I believe you are suffering from is a case of “Premature Evacuation”. That’s when you end a relationship without having been done with all the issues and emotions that surrounds it, so you are unable to move on. If you already are convinced that you cannot be a good husband or father, then any future relationship with this or another woman is already doomed. So, why beg her to return to something that has no future? Why waste both your lives this way? Did you already forget the problems that initially led you to the divorce? I bet it was money or sex. It always is. Did you forget the fights? How many shitty days did you two have compared with the great ones? If you are starting to remember, you are beginning to understand why I call it Premature Evacuation. Now go find a good ear to listen to you and has some professional training to guide you to get over your failed marriage. If you don’t care about yourself, do it for the children you may produce if you “beg” her to return and will have to suffer growing up in a fucked-up household and relying on somebody who was convinced he would be a bad father before they were born.

You can read Kobra Khanoom’s reply to this question here. If you have questions you wish answered or just seek my perspective, you can reach me at


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Good advice on the man getting counseling

by Nadias on

I'm sure the woman could also benefit from counseling at such a difficult time.


solh va doosti/paz a vosotros/paix et amitié





Anyone who "believes he

by beentheredonethat (not verified) on

Anyone who "believes he can't be a good husband or father" won't be, ever, until he changes his way of thinking about it. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, the ready excuse for all kinds of stupidity.