Real men beg!

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Kobra Khanoom
by Kobra Khanoom
03-Jul-2008
 

Some years ago I was told by a friend, who was going through a difficult time ending a relationship, that I was good at giving advice. It was not the first time someone had told me this. I decided, with the help of Jahanshah Javid, that it would be a good idea to start an advice column that gave guidance freely, openly and from the heart. When choosing a name for my ‘Iranian Dear Abbey’ I remembered my nanneh (nanny), Kobra Khanoom, in Iran who though illiterate was full of wisdom and goodwill and used to give everyone advice that was simple and confident.

There is a tradition in most cultures, certainly in our Iranian one, of wise women giving advice. It is the kind of counseling that is free of psychological and clinical training, unafraid of being sued and boldly free of any disclaimers. It is the kind of advice-giving that is as old as when people first started telling each other their problems. I have decided to revive Kobra Khanoom’s advice column because the older I get the more ups and downs I experience, the more like her I become.

So if you need a naneh to help you with a problem ask Kobra Khanoom and she will try her best to answer your question. It is, after all, up to you to listen. Email me at MsKobra@yahoo.com

***

Question: A friend of mine called on the phone. He said he missed his wife, even though he initiated divorce, hated being married and believes he can't be a good husband or father. "Should I beg her to come back?" he asked.

Kobra Khanoom's Answer: Of course you should beg her to come back. You are hesitating because you are afraid that you may fail at being what she wants you to be. But you should know that if you strived be a little more like what she wants you to be then you will be a better person. One should never be afraid of trying to improve and what better reason than the love for a true beloved.

Too often these days people advise against begging--we have become numbed by too much clinical reasoning. I think begging someone to come back is healthy. Far from being a sign of neediness and dependence it in fact shows inner confidence and strength. It means you admit that you were wrong-- it shows both self-knowledge and mental clarity. The best place to start improving one's self is the realization of one's mistakes.

Humility is the first criteria for being a good student. Ask her to forgive. Ask her to give you another chance. Ask her to be patient and a bit more understanding of your faults. If she accepts then she loves you and you can take that love and use it as fuel for a new start. If she rejects you then you have nothing to lose. I am sure it is not the first time.

But remember whatever the reasons behind your initial break up it could not just have been you who was at fault. Talk to her, work with her and if she is willing then by all means give it one more try falling in love is too valuable an emotion to just let it die. Too many people are too chicken to beg now-a-days. Go for it: real men beg!

Kobra Khanoom
MsKobra@yahoo.com

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more from Kobra Khanoom
 
ebi amirhosseini

Dear K.....

by ebi amirhosseini on

You said it baby.Ten minutes ago,I was on the phone with my Dad ( who after his ritual of chemotherapy) has gone to his hometown.You won't believe me! he just had Bozghormeh & now is having his Ghand-pahlu tea in a room filled with " Booye - Beheshti"!!(I love my aunt's Bozghormehs,haven't tasted for a long time).

God I'm already starving.

Paayandeh baashid

p.s.

Befaarmaa have Kolompeh please!

if you like you can google me on facebook & join my group called " Kerman",lots of hamshahries from around the world are there & contribute.


Mazloom

With all due respect

by Mazloom on

Not enough information is known about this man's marriage to give such a profound advise as begging. At the most what we have here is a hearsay. In any way begging is a wrong thing to do, whether it is a romantic beg or a desperate one. We are living in 21st century, and if living in California or other states with similar marital law the friend of the questioner should think about his next move very carefully before he starts begging. Once you beg you lose all your dignity to begin with. As a friend of mine, with a similar dilemma, once told me, "sharafmo as dast medadam", when I had advise him to consider asking her back. This is when, unbeknownst to him at the time, his wife had gone to another state to meet another man she had a crush on.

My advice, and I apologize since this is your advice blog, is not to prolong the agony of the ultimate break up. Tough it now and get used to not being with her, instead of being with her and live an unhappy life, that's speaking in general since not enough information about this man and his wife is known.


javaneh29

dear Khar

by javaneh29 on

In answer to your question ..... no I am not the same Javaneh who broke jj's heart. Each time our heart gets broken we learn something new about ourselves.

'There's never a problem without a gift in its hands' ...

I read that some where many years ago and i liked that thought.

I hope jj goes from strength to strength.

And Khar thanks for your comment ..

Javaneh


Khar

Mr. Ebi Amirhosseini

by Khar on

How about some BOZ-GHORMEH in Ghanaghestan, Kermoon for breakfast my friend.


Khar

Right on Javaneh

by Khar on

Well Siad!  PS. just curious are you the same Javaneh who has brooke JJ's heart? If you are let me tell you somthing he hasn't been the same since you two brokeup.

love&peace Y'all!


ebi amirhosseini

Dear Maryam Ph.d

by ebi amirhosseini on

Viva Kermoon !

This is for you;

//youtube.com/watch?v=AGtPa1mJT1U


Maryam Hojjat

To: Dear ebi

by Maryam Hojjat on

you were raised by a very good parents (Kermani) who brought you up with responsibilties & love for your wife and child. 

 I believe the Kermanies are very loving and caring parents.  I had a Kermani Father.  May God bless his soul.

May you & your family be happy always.


default

Like that idea...

by TabasomV (not verified) on

I still like the idea of a weekly he-said, she-said replies to issues and believe it will be extremly popular while teaching all of us a thing or two about the opposite sex.


Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

Javaneh..........thank you

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

 

Solh va Doosti

Natalia

 


javaneh29

Theres nothing wrong with healthy discussion

by javaneh29 on

On the subject of an agony aunt .. there's nothing wrong with healthy discussion about problems. When we do this we sometimes gain useful insights and perspectives that we may not have considered before. Ultimatley we make our own decisons.

Can we not use the site for open dicussion about personal issues as some already do ? that way we get a broader perspective that offers views from all angles such as  age, gender, religious and cultural backgrounds. Of course it goes without saying that this would require  respect from all.

Natalia all of us are unique. Iranian men are only humans too, not gods ( sorry guys)  with their strengths and weaknesses, same as any other human. Im sure we all have our views on Iranian men!!!! and they will differ according to our experiences as will the men themselves!

Javaneh


TheMrs

Talking about teemaarestaan

by TheMrs on

Talking about teemaarestaan and relationships. Have you been reading about Christie Brinkly and Peter Cook?

She has supported the trial to become public where her children, their friends, the friends' parents and everyone else can know the intimate details of her married life. Everyone now knows her ex had a 3000$ a month porn habit! He paid his 18 year old mistress 15000$ to buy a Nissan maxima. I don't know about you but this stuff makes me laugh my hair off. If you recall CB tried to limit billy joel's visitation rights on account of his "bad driving". Now, "unlce billy" is pitching in by allowing his daughter to testify at the divorce trials. WTF? I'm so glad I'm not a part of THAT family! Yeki az yeki divuneh tar!!!


ebi amirhosseini

Kobra Khanoom !

by ebi amirhosseini on

Bajenaghe Aziz wants to know what is the secret of [ME] being happily married for more than 21 years!?one big secret is that I don't consider myself a ZiZi ( Zan zalil / hen-pegged),but I always tried to admit when I was  wrong(Although I have slept many nights on the couch!obviously not for therapy reasons!).I believe it takes two to tango!.Since I fell in love with my college sweatheart(so did she),despite all ups & downs of married life,always tried to keep the marriage going( even with begging for....!!)!.I'm not sorry for all my efforts,since whenever I want to regret them;I just look at my son & I am thankful!!. Some "real Men " might say that I'm not a" real Man",but what the .....

best wishes

P.S.

1-

I can be a good assistant for you,don't you think so !?.

2-

Dear JJ;

 no need for " Teemaarestaan,just read "Ahmadinejad" speeches daily,it is like being in one , next to another patient !!.

 


Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

khar jan

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

No it is not the only thing that I grasped. I am just stating that you are just as guilty as I. :o)

I understand what you are saying. Iranian men are just as human as any other man regardless of ethnic group/religious/non-religious/political ideology or sexual preference.

Gotcha!

 

Solh va Doosti

Natalia

 


Khar

No, not accusing anyone or anybody!

by Khar on

Is that all you grasped from my note?! so if I have used Hassan or Ali or John of gary and so on it would've been ok? Alright my bad! So you are saying there is no mowing service that is ran by Iranians or others and Hispanics have monoploy on lawn service?

"We Think Therefore We are"

Again, Disclaimer: Above thoughts are fictional any similarities with readers lives are purely coincidental. Please feel free to plug in your ‘We’ ideas.

Love&peace! 

 


default

Illiterate and Useless

by Tearful (not verified) on

Made me cry...
tears for the woman...
tears for the man...
tears for the lies...
tears for the truths...
tears for the mess-ups...
tears for the half-assed cleanups...
tears for apologies long overdue...
tears for explanations insufficient...
tears for divorces and breakups all too real...
tears for "ashti" and reconcilliations which are not...
tears for the man who sounds a lot more genuine confessing to others...
tears for the woman who finally forgot her man in the arms of another...
tears for the marriage that ended five years before the signatures...


Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

khar

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

With all due respect but you just did what you accuse some of us of doing.

"We mow the yard but lately we pay Mario to do it"

This statement is a stereotype of Hispanics doing yard work for a living. By the way my father and brother's names are Mario.

They are no ones gardners.

Solh va Doosti

Natalia

 


Khar

No, Iranian men are not unique!

by Khar on

Please stop fit us men (be it Iranian or others) into pre fabricated molds of religious or secular this way of thinking is mechanical at best and not healthy. Stop judging us from female perspective as you don’t want men to judge you strictly from the male perspective.  We the men love We hate We work hard We are lazy We cook and wash dishes We hate cooking  We mow the yard but lately we pay Mario to do it We love our spouse We hate our spouse We love our children, although it should have been against the law for some of us to have off-springs We love to have company of friends but we gossip behind their back too We Love sex and enjoy porn (did you know women enjoy porn too but some overcome by jealousy) We make mistakes (who doesn’t) We make things right too We have sense of humor We are good natured We are not the devils that we are portrayed to be although I come across some men/women that are We cry We laugh We soil our under-ware (if this happen don’t let the better-half see it if you do your whole day is shot) We think we are the best although there are times that we actually are We fix things We break thing (be it hearts or toys) We are gay We are straight We are not so straight We are fathers, brothers, amoo, daii, cousins We are rich We are poor We are stingy We are givers We are takers We let others steal our heart easily We are dumb We are smart at times we are both We cheat on our spouse and the spouse cheats on us We drink, sometimes too much sometime none at all We get angry We are thoughtful We don’t give a shit We think we know everything We love Iran but We hate it when its not conviniant We love America but We hate it when we don’t fit in We are Muslims, Jews, Baha’i, Christians, Hindu, Buddhist ba Khoda va bee Khoda We fit into organized religion like a glove We despise it We are over educated We are under educated We get jealous We get old We grow up We refuse to grow up ……Last but certainly not the least We are human most of us that is. So, no, we are no unique just take us as who we are. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES!  Disclaimer: Above thoughts are fictional any similarities with readers lives are purely coincidental. Please feel free to plug in your ‘We’ ideas.

Love & Peace! (or whatever is cool these days)

 


Jahanshah Javid

Wise Mrs

by Jahanshah Javid on

Thanks TheMrs. There was a lot of truth and common sense in your reply. Thanks for being candid and thoughtful.


Jahanshah Javid

Go ahead

by Jahanshah Javid on

Eyeranian Jan, you can always start your own advice column here and respond to the same questions as KK, or build your own following. But a side-by-side he-said-she-said column wouldn't work in this blog format, I don't think.


Niki Tehranchi

I missed you!

by Niki Tehranchi on

Welcome back Kobra Khanoom.  I remember your previous advice column and how many people were devastated when you left.  I always loved your point of view because you stand so strongly behind your opinion (which is refreshingly non-mainstream) and deliver the message without any sugar coating.  Looking forward to reading more of your columns.

JJ jan, I am devastated by reading your posts on this thread.  I really hope you are being tongue in cheek and you do not have such a negative view of yourself! I remember you telling me somehing along the same lines two years ago but I thought it was from the sting of recent separation and you would heal over time.  I remember that conversation so very well, since right after telling me love and marriage and relationships etc. are doomed and useless, you advised me and hubby to start making babies ASAP LooooL  


Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

Awesome idea Eyeranian

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

A he said/she said column. What a great idea. I think that the iranian.com readers would love that.

Solh va Doosti

Natalia

 


eyeranian

On Iranian Men

by eyeranian on

Natalia, I think you bring up an interesting issue and something Kobra Khanoom's effort can't provide. After all, her advise will ultimately be from the female point of view and therefore, one sided by nature.

So, what do us men think? Would a male advise to the begging guy be same? I think it would be interesting to see and am offering one solution;

I will offer my own advise if you want it, on all everyday issues. Not only you will get a different presective to your issues, I am hoping that through my replies you can gain a better understanding of Iranian men's "way of thinking, needs, wants and desires."

It's up to you to send me your questions only at eyeranian@gmail.com or share one you are sending to Kobra Khanoom as well to get a "he said, she said" reply (providing JJ and KK are open to it.)

eyeranian


Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

Does anyone know of any blogs or articles

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

on Iranian men? I am trying to gain a better understanding of their way of thinking, needs, wants and desires. I know that there are some universal truths in all men but Iranian men are unique. :o)

Of course, one must take into consideration whether they are religious or secular in their beliefs.

Solh va Doosti

Natalia

 


Souri

dear TheMrs

by Souri on

You write exactly like N.zaninecanadai !

You always remind me of her, and  specially because she is not around since a while, I'm wondering if you are not same person ?


TheMrs

Kobra khanum, naneh, this

by TheMrs on

Kobra khanum, naneh, this was awful advice.

If someone hates being married then missing his wife isn’t reason enough to get back together. When his urge for having her in his life is satisfied, they will both go back to being miserable again.This friend sounds like someone who might know himself very well. Perhaps this friend needs to put up with missing his wife for a while. Spend some time alone. Think about the man he is. Maybe he is great the way he is and shouldn’t feel guilty.Maybe he is afraid of failing to be what his wife wants him to be because it’s wrong to strive to be something one isn’t. I’ve always struggled with this. Finally, I have given up. It’s beginning to cost me some friends and family but I’m happier being me than being someone else’s expectation of me. Perhaps she has unreasonable expectations. Why is being what she wants an “improvement”?Begging is always unhealthy in love. Inner confidence and strength come from knowing oneself well. Striving to improve is one thing, being someone else’s idea of what a husband should be is another!

Has he really made mistakes? Were they made in a vaccum or did she contribute to the situation? They need to evaluate their lives and what they want. They can take practical measures that can ensure they won’t make the same mistakes. Then, he can allow some time to pass so he can prove his character growth to himself. But the situation you describe sounds hopeless to me, let's be realistic and practical. Why put your friends in a place where they are fooled into believe in the sun loves the moon as the starts sparkle love dust on them? That's not real life.

You alluded to fatherhood. Is it right for him to beg and try to change, all the while walking in and perhaps out of the life of a child? Wouldn’t a child benefit more from a stable relationship?

In my experience, reducing oneself to a negative image will stick to you and you will see it in any mirror you look into. To consider yourself “unfit” is crazy. Next to not being perfect, you should write down all the things you are. I am a hyperactive person. But I’m also smart, pretty, kind, generous and lots of other good things. I’m sure JJ can come up with a list of his own. Love is not as mushy as everyone makes it sound. There’s always someone else to be found. It wouldn’t be fair to her if your friend goes back just because he misses her. We make ourselves happy, no one else helps us.


Souri

Dear JJ

by Souri on

With apologize to all dear readers, I don't intend to make it a personal convers.

But JJ jan, you know you are a Pisces ! Do you know your astrological symbol too ?

This is a two fishes, swimming always in two opposite direction !!  yeah baby...

It's not your fault,  this is your sign which make you this way. One should first discover your soul before knowing yourself, as you always try to show the opposite !

Your name is "Paradox". This is very well known with all the Pisces sign.

You are as normal  boy as all other Pisces boys ...Don't blame it on yourself ! Good luck with your next relationship :-)


Jahanshah Javid

Souri Jan

by Jahanshah Javid on

Thanks for your kind thoughts. But the damage I have done is too great. Javaneh and I have been separated for close to two years. We have both moved on. I have had other relationships (more disasters caused by me). I have serious issues that ultimately undermine all my relationships. Baayad beram teemaarestaan :o)


Jahanshah Javid

Mokh less

by Jahanshah Javid on

Ghorboone bajenaghe naghi! I can benefit a lot from your wisdom.


Souri

JJ

by Souri on

Believe it or not, reading this blog reminded me of you !

Forgive my uncalled intrusion please, but I strongly believe that there is "someone" missing in your world now. This might be the root of lots of ups & downs in your behavior and interaction with others.

I urge you pleeease, make  that call! You owe it to your life, to your website and to your true fans and readers...Try it !


Tahirih

It takes a great man to admit he was wrong.

by Tahirih on

I really believe it, any body can act like a jerk, arrogant and stubborn. But only a great man can admit he was wrong. I would take him back in a heart beat!