FATHER
به زبان فارسی
PICTORY
LATEST MUSIC
SEARCH
My Dear Son
07-Dec-2008
My Dear Son,
I decided to write you this letter on the occasion of your 20th birthday because I believe you are now mature enough to have a good understanding of the world around you. Plus, I wanted to give you a gift that you cannot buy at any stores at any price, the gift of love, admiration, and support.
You will graduate from university in a couple of years, ready to take on the challenges and the responsibilities of the real world. You have to make some tough decisions concerning your education, your career, and other important matters in your life. As you know, important decisions are not easy, and sometimes they are cumbersome to make.
Your mother and I have been always with you from the moment you were born and have been always there for you whenever you needed support, guidance, protection, and assistance in any way. In our culture, the children mean a lot to a family. They are the pride and the joy of the family, the life’s most precious assets. We love you unconditionally and are committed to do whatever it takes so that you excel and lead a happy and prosperous life. You have, thus far, fulfilled all of our expectations even above and beyond what we had hoped for. We have been utterly proud of you and your accomplishments up until now, and definitely will be proud of you in the future. Despite the fact that we love you so dearly, we may often fail to put it in words or in any other forms of modern expressions. It is just the boorishness of our native culture that precludes us sometimes from expressing our love for our kids candidly.
Although you are an intelligent young man, we believe it is important for us to continue to provide guidance and support for you especially when it comes to certain important matters. There are some things in life that came best with age and experience. We understand that you may occasionally consider our concerns overly, unnecessary, or even embarrassing. However, that is an integral part of being successful parents. No doubt, we have always your best interests in our hearts. I remember, sometimes we may have frenzied arguments with you but no lecturing was meant, we may have spanked you rarely but no physical harm was intended, or we may have irritated you by comparing you to your older brother or sister, but no denigration was in our mind. We love always you just the way you are.
I remember when I was a kid; I relied always on my parents, and on my older brothers and sisters, as the most trustworthy source of consultation and comfort. Although my parents were strict, disciplinary, and correct in their own judgment, they were very considerate. I completely understood that and tried not to do anything to hurt their feelings. Although none of the members of my family have formal education - most of them even cannot sign their names – they are very knowledgeable about the life’s important matters. My parents did not do for me any of the things that modern parents do for their children. I don’t remember that they ever drove me to school, bought me a toy, took me to a restaurant, or spent any so called quality time with me. But, they were good parents, the best, and that is what matters.
As a traditional poor farmer, my father had to work hard every day for many long hours. He did not have any additional time to spend with me. If I needed love and affection, I always could turn to my mother. My high respect for both of them did not allow me from challenging their decisions, being irresponsible to their feelings, or even raising my voice when talking to them. I thought, and I still think, that I had the best parents in the whole world and never felt that I needed better ones. Now that I am a parent, what else do I expect from my children except what my parents expected from me?
The abundance you take for granted today, was an attainable luxury for me when I was at your age. I was about twenty four years old when I came to this country as a young ambitious student, just like you, out of curiosity and in search of a better life. My decision to come to the United States was totally my own. I remember I had a dark brown suitcase in my right hand, a dictionary in my left hand, $2100 in my pocket, and a burning desire in my heart to succeed. As a bewildered novice in a totally strange land, I knew nobody to turn to, and had no experience to draw on, and barely can speak English.
From the onset of my journey to this country, I had to work hard because I knew that was the only way for me to support myself and to continue my education. I had to do odd jobs ranging from janitorial, car hopping, dishwashing, truck driving, and pizza delivering to support myself and my education. I did them all. Did I like them? No. I hated them, but I didn’t have much choices. I did not let the feeling of despair to overwhelm me. I considered those odd jobs as the temporary sources of income I needed to support my long-term goal which was to have a good education. Surviving might be easy; succeeding is not. I managed to climb my way up inch by inch through perseverance and hard work. This is not to claim that I am a very successful person. Given the circumstances, I think I have done well. I am not dissatisfied, or disappointed, with my life in any way.
You see, the world we live in may not be as simple as it looks, or as we think it is. You may not have seen enough of it yet. They say whatever a young man sees in a mirror an old person sees in a bare wall. Your heart is like a shiny spotless mirror that shows everything nicely and clearly. You certainly see what is happening today; however, you may not be farsighted enough to see what may come about in the distant future. You can rely on your intellectual ability for academic matters. There are, however, some important things that come to us best with age and with experience. As your parents and someone with extensive experience in life, we envision your future and we want it to be as bright and productive as possible. To secure such a prosperous future, we need to invest in it now. I know that it is difficult to work hard and pass all those classes with good grades. But, learning is not always fun. Sometimes good things, like a good medicine, may not be tasty to swallow but they are certainly useful, and often life saving, for us.
I know many things may happen everyday that we may not like or do not approve. But remember, we cannot control everything. Therefore, we should not allow uncontrollable events distract us, because if we do, we let them control our life. Sometimes, we may also be treated unfairly or discriminatory. However, we should overcome such treatments through determination and the quality works and move on. Time is the best healer. You need to be patient. Sometime, things have to go through their natural course. To me, life is like a moving chart, it may be forced to fluctuate up and down in the short run along its steady upward trend in the long run.
My dear son, by the time you graduate from university, I am sure there will still going to be crimes committed by some social misfits, there will be war and other catastrophic events, many families may still be left behind when it comes to health, education, and other social service, many will still die from AIDES an heart attaches everyday, there will be continuing clash and ethnic cleansing in different parts of the world, there may be still lingering fear of economic recession, the Federal Reserve may be struggling to pump more liquidity into the economy successfully, poverty and famine will not yet be eradicated, however, I am optimistic that you will launch your career in a much better world than the one in which I started mine.
Forever, Love
Your Dad
| Recently by varjavand | Comments | Date |
|---|---|---|
| The Rise of Secular America | 6 | Oct 29, 2012 |
| War with Iran and the Economy | 10 | Oct 10, 2012 |
| Why Do We Believe? II | - | Aug 25, 2012 |
RECENT COMMENTS
IRANIANS OF THE DAY
| Person | About | Day |
|---|---|---|
| نسرین ستوده: زندانی روز | Dec 04 | |
| Saeed Malekpour: Prisoner of the day | Lawyer says death sentence suspended | Dec 03 |
| Majid Tavakoli: Prisoner of the day | Iterview with mother | Dec 02 |
| احسان نراقی: جامعه شناس و نویسنده ۱۳۰۵-۱۳۹۱ | Dec 02 | |
| Nasrin Sotoudeh: Prisoner of the day | 46 days on hunger strike | Dec 01 |
| Nasrin Sotoudeh: Graffiti | In Barcelona | Nov 30 |
| گوهر عشقی: مادر ستار بهشتی | Nov 30 | |
| Abdollah Momeni: Prisoner of the day | Activist denied leave and family visits for 1.5 years | Nov 30 |
| محمد کلالی: یکی از حمله کنندگان به سفارت ایران در برلین | Nov 29 | |
| Habibollah Golparipour: Prisoner of the day | Kurdish Activist on Death Row | Nov 28 |
Dear Mr. d
by varjavand on Thu Dec 11, 2008 11:45 AM PSTDear d (sorry I cannot be more specific);
There is always a trade off in any decisions we make. In simple term, we gain something at the expense of losing something else. As an adult, we also do whatever we think pleases us most. You have done a good thing to please your parents, but certainly you were not coerced to do so. And, you have done so not only to please them but yourself as well. You said, you are forty, and you blame your parents for the mistakes you made while in your 30s. First, I don’t know how you can establish a meaningful link between the mistakes you made and your parents. I mean, you might have made bad decisions regardless of the motivation behind them. Second, I had difficulty to tell my kids what to do even when they were teenager. I don’t understand why you had to do whatever your parents told you to do at that age. Come one, it is easy to blame, but as an adult we should be forthright enough to take at least some responsibility for our own decisions.
I am not fanatic about my native culture and the Iranian community in the United States. But I believe it is one of the best minorities of this nation. I don’t see any reason to do everything to please this community; however, keeping close contact with it could be emotionally very comforting
Don’t worry about your emotional distress. Welcome to the club. According to reputable researches more than 77% of adults in this country have some kind of psychological problem. It is the by-product of living in a material-oriented society. We all have some kind of emotional problem. Mine, of course, is a good one. It is called AADD, Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. I believe it is a good one because it forces me to be innovative. Do you think it is easy to get any attention these days unless you resort to highly innovative schemes?
Don’t worry, be happy.
Varjavand
.
by Flying Solo on Sun Sep 27, 2009 10:23 PM PDT.
.
by Flying Solo on Sun Sep 27, 2009 10:22 PM PDT.
Flying Solo, my sentiments
by d (not verified) on Wed Dec 10, 2008 09:58 PM PSTFlying Solo:
I agree with you. I'm now in my mid 40s and educationally and financially well off. But emotionally I'm not a very happy person, although to the outsiders it is not apparent. I've done a lot of soul searching to understand the root of the problem and I've concluded that it is because I lived life to fulfill my parents' expectations and desires and not my own. They tried protecting me from making mistakes. Instead of making small mistakes and learning from them, I ended up making major mistakes in my 30s costing me a lot more heartache. So, I advise all Iranian parents to not put so much guilt on your kids. It will backfire. Let your children live life for themselves and not to please the Iranian society.
Dear Flying Solo
by varjavand on Wed Dec 10, 2008 06:19 PM PSTDear Flying Solo
I am grateful to you for yet another insightful comment. My curiosity led me to read a couple of your stories posted here. They are great. I ceased to read the third one fearing that I will be more embarrassed by my own writings. You are superb writer, looking forward to read more of your stories.
Anyways, I totally agree with your points. Uncontrollably, often we make a mistake of comparing our kinds to ourselves and thinking that they should be raised the same way we were raised ignoring that they are living in a diferent country, in a different century.
Some of us may place undue emphasis on monetary success and believing that their happiness is synonymous with material progress, even though happiness in a subjective notion. We may even make the mistake of thinking that the only way we can show your affection for your kids is to give them money or spending money on them. We may often be so busy making money because we are led to believe that our prosperity and our future security depends on it. While that is true to some extend, it is I believe a mistake to force-feed that idea to our kids especially as they are younger.
I do believe that children are like gifts of God, each is different with his/her own uniqueness that we sometimes ignore or overlook. It is, thus, very important that we love them the way they are and not expect them to be someone else.
I have no problem with them being left alone, following their own dream. They can become whatever they dream of becoming. However, in reality, following a dream may not always be enough to enable them to put food on the table, clothes on their back, or roof on their head. And we are not always around to provide for them. Isn’t this a legitimate concern?
Varjavand
.
by Flying Solo on Sun Sep 27, 2009 10:21 PM PDT.
Dear IRANdokht
by varjavand on Wed Dec 10, 2008 09:28 AM PSTDear IRANdokht
Thanks for your caring remarks. I think writing a letter it is an effective way to communicate our love and support for our kids especially if they are away
Good luck Varjavand
very nice letter
by IRANdokht on Tue Dec 09, 2008 04:23 PM PSTDear Mr Varjavand
You're very good at expressing yourself. I envy you!
But I am also grateful, because now, you gave me the great idea to sit down and write all I want to communicate with my son.
We speak all the time and we discuss a lot of things, but with all the everyday distractions, some essential subjects are left unsaid.
Thank you!
IRANdokht
Dear Ms. Tahirih
by varjavand on Tue Dec 09, 2008 04:04 PM PSTThanks for your vote of confidence
Varjavand
Mr Varjavand, do not worry about the number of comments:))
by Tahirih on Tue Dec 09, 2008 03:39 PM PSTYour letter did inspire me to send my son a heart felt mail too. Not as eloquent as yours though:)
Many times I read an article and do not leave a comment, but it has nothing to do with the worth of that piece. You are an excellent writer and we all know that.
Respectfully,
Tahirih
I understand and agree with your disappointment
by American Wife on Tue Dec 09, 2008 01:42 PM PSTand I think you nailed it... there is far more interest in arguing the most impossible political positions or slurring your peers than discussing an emotional and truly pertinent issue. But what is one to do! I hope you continue your efforts though. Your writing is specific and real and it's enjoyable reading. Wouldn't you think that we, as mature and intelligent adults, would find more in common with discussions of marriage or raising a multicultural family than bickering about Israel or the mullahs ALL the time? Payenah (sp) suggested that I start an "American Corner" talking abut the happiness and heartaches of a mixed marriage. Immediately I thought to myself... oh yeah, I'm so sure I'm going to set myself up for the usual attacks and slurs...lol. There doesn't seem to be alot of interest in what really matters... our families.
But I admire your efforts. Raising a child is difficult enough but in your situation? I just can't imagine... two cultures, two countries, two loyalties.
Good luck to you... you're already a step ahead in your attitude.
Dear American Wife, Dear Flying Solo
by varjavand on Tue Dec 09, 2008 12:31 PM PSTI am glad you posted such thoughtful comments. I was worried about not getting any and unable to understand why. Then I noticed that my writing was sandwiched between two important postings related to VIPs; one about a prince and the other one about a former minister. Who wants to read and to comment on my writing if he/she can associate somehow with a prince or a minister, event though one is exiled and the other one executed - and I believe undeservingly so.
Unfortunately, frequent visitors to this site are so obsessed with big issues of often non-relevant nature that they ignore the real ones. They don’t comment on an article unless it is related to: change of government in Iran, guidelines to president elect Obama, resolving the nuclear standoff between Iran and the US, etc. That is our mentality; we often propose mediocre answers to the world biggest problems while we ignore the good solutions we can offer to small, but important, problems. We often grab a huge peace of rock so big that that we cannot even lift it up let alone to hit it at a target.
Anyways, thanks for sharing your genuine thoughts with the readers. I really enjoyed reading your comments. Perhaps the wide cultural gap between us, the immigrant parents, and our kids intensifies the anxiety we have about them. We like to help our kids in any possible ways so that they can cope with the physical and emotional outbursts they experience especially during the teenage years. In the meantime, we want to make sure that our kids understand that we, the parents, are not trying to control their life or subject them to excessive restrictions or do anything knowingly to displease them. We don’t expect our children to lead exactly the same life style that we have. However, we want them to learn and to respect our values as well as the positive core values of the American culture and other cultures. We constantly search for the best way to reconcile the differences between our native culture and the dominant culture in America and to find the feasible methods of assimilation or, I better say, acculturation. We can’t follow our children around continuously and check every move they make. The best we can do is to provide them with an aptitude that helps them to distinguish between right and wrong, to assist them to think independently and to make appropriate decisions when a need arises.
If I could, I would certainly get rid of the anxiety I have when it comes to raising my kids. But I believe when it comes to this critical matter nothing should be left to oversight.
Thanks Again, Varjavand
.
by Flying Solo on Sun Sep 27, 2009 10:20 PM PDT.
your letter gave me goosebumps
by American Wife on Mon Dec 08, 2008 12:12 PM PSTI'm not sure when I've heard something as beautiful as your letter to your son. Not only should you be proud of your son, he will be eternally grateful for such understanding and loving parents.
Well done Sir... well done.