Iranian Couples : Anger

minadadvar
by minadadvar
14-Apr-2009
 

One of the most challenging tasks facing the couples is coping with anger.  Anger is by far, the most common emotional reaction to the difficulties that couples encounter on a daily basis.  The result of an informal survery of Iranian couples, whom I have worked with during the past twenty years, indicate that the issues that are most frequently argued about are:  difficulties with in-laws (80% to 90%),  financial problems (60%), disagreement on how to raise children (65%), sexual issues (55%), and unfair division of household chores (45%).  Nearly all couples fight about the issues of control, jealousy , criticism, and emotional withdrawl of the spouse.    

By answering the following questions you will help me to either validate or reject the result of this survey. Those who are uncomfortable posting their comments on iranian.com, may send me an e-mail to:minadadvar@comcast.net or call me at 301-530-4806.  Leave me a message with a contact number and I will call you within 24 hours.

Questions:

1) How does your significant other (spouse, girlfriend, fiance) make you angry ?  An example could be "I have told my spouse not to argue with me in front of his/her family, a hundred times, but he/she continues to do that."

2)  Why do you respond with anger?  What do you think he/she is telling you ? A response might be "because this shows that he/she has no respect for me."  Another response might be "because he/she is trying to hurt me.".

I appreciate your participation.

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1) How does your significant

by Derakhshandeh (not verified) on

1) How does your significant other (spouse, girlfriend, fiance) make you angry ? An example could be "I have told my spouse not to argue with me in front of his/her family, a hundred times, but he/she continues to do that."

I think getting angry is equivalent to being disappointed and inability to deal with it. Your example is based on one party being disappointed about something else and gets angry when his/her partner argues with her in front of family.

I believe if we are to be honest we'd admit to what is disappointing us. For example, loosing or finding a job or financial hardships are examples of being disappointed. If we can't find a job and contribute to our goals as a couple we are disappointed and can't handle admiting it. We can't handle arguing about it. We feel arguing about it will make us less valuable and not worthy.

So if I'm honest my honest answer to your question should be that I make my spouse angry because of my own shortcomings and his/her inability to deal with it properly.

2) Why do you respond with anger? What do you think he/she is telling you ? A response might be "because this shows that he/she has no respect for me." Another response might be "because he/she is trying to hurt me.".

I respond in anger because I am disappointed in myself. Either that or because my spouse is disappointed in him/herself. If I'm single and I get disappointed in myself, I deal with it one way or another. I deal with it by discussing it with my friends who I can always end my phone conversation with.

When I get angry (disappointed in myself) I say nonsense and it doesn't matter. Our discussion becomes angrier and angrier and it just escalates to a point where either me or my spouse give up and seek peace and quiet in solitude, or it boils over and ends up with slamming door and storming out.

I know that getting angry is bad but there isn't anything I can do about it. Once I am satisfied and happy with myself and how I am living in peace and my life in general, I can stop becoming angry.

Parents and in-laws are ALWAYS a disappointment! I love them all dearly and madly but they are always either disappointed in me or my spouse! My parents are seldom dissppointed in me because they raised me and my sibling(s), not my spouse. Same goes with my inlaws.