I am an Iranian-American. I am a hypocrite!


I am an Iranian-American. I am a hypocrite!
by Fesenjoon

Who am I? I am Iranian-American! I am a hypocrite. I am a wonderful person. Get to know me:

I am an Iranian-American, but not an American. I live in the United States, enjoy all she has to offer, and in the end contribute very little to her. Basically, I dont give a shit about Americans or their country, as long as business is good and things are rosy for me.

I eat from both toobreh and akhor. I make trips back to Iran once in while, give off some poz in front of the others there when I tell them I'm from Orange County or wherver the fuck it is that I live in the states. Yeah, Im successful. Eat that. I have a beezeeness there. I even intentionally Americanize my Farsi accent when talking Farsi to other Iranians in Iran, so that people will know I'm coming from America.

Do as I say, not as I do! In Iran, when young folks ask me of how to come and live in America, I reply "deevooneh haa! why do you want to come to America? You dont know! Life is shitty there! I work like a dog there! They are racist! I had to drive a taxi there! Stay here, and ghadr-e vatan ro bedooneed!", but then I'm usually the first to breathe a sigh of relief when the GPS map shows my Airbus exiting Iranian airspace. "Thank God, Im safe" I mutter to myself, while checking out the KLM stewardess' ass down the aisle. Ah, back to freedom again.

I'm sophisticated. When the flight attendant asks, "please be seated until full stop at the gate", I still get up while in the taxiway to get my stuff before everybody else does! (kosss-e khaaharesh, who does she think she is telling me to sit down? I have rights!). When I get up to leave the airplane, I leave behind 7-8 empty bottles of Heineken, and all the trash I could generate, all over the place. I paid for this $1400 ticket! So I have a right to shit all over the place. Besides, I must remind the flight attendants that they have a job to do (to clean up my shit), instead of giving me orders what to do!  

I am educated. I go to college here in the states, become educated, become a doctor or mohandes, then make money. You guessed right: I'm smart. But I wonder why is it that Iranian-American lawyers are such a rare species. And why is it that the jews have such strong lobbies everywhere. Filthy jews! My mother said they were najes!

I hate racists! I hate jews too! And Israel! I tazaahor that I dont. But I really do. I've been brainwashed after 30 years of watching IRIB and hearing that jews love money, have big noses, and are evil, that I now actually believe Israel and the jews are out to kill me and my kind. I'm Aryan! And Nazis were cool btw! They had these cool uniforms, and Reza Shah loved them!

I love all ethnicities and people! But I hate afghanis. Theyre all over the place in Tehran! Theyre dangerous! But not as much as the Lors. The Torks are OK though, because Torks are Khar. And the Arabs? Who said Arabs exist in Iran? That's an Israeli lie! They want our oil! But anyway, I cry rivers of tears for those Palestinians! The UN even said it: Zionism is racism! Those filthy jewish capitalists! Even Peter Griffin said it: "Jews are gross because they rhyme with eeww!"

I constantly remind everyone how stupid Americans are! Oh yeah, I looooove coming on Iranian.com and facebook and posting links (like this one) showing how stupid Americans are! But if Ahmadinejad says Britain is located west of Africa, it shows how smart we are! Because anything he says, people will clap and say takbeer, and buy. See that's intellignce right there. That's why I love to go and eat dinner with him in NY, each time he visits and embarrasses Americans at the UN! Awwww yeah!

I'm a political pundit! And I tell you Obama is an idiot! I love to tell everyone how Obama is unfit and unqualified as a president. Dumbass! But deep down in my heart, Im praying that Oh God Oh God he stays, and doesnt let Palin and Rove and Cheney's people take over again! Please! Not the Republicans again!

I love to hate America. Didnt they shoot down that Flight 655 Airliner in 1988 over the Persian Gulf? May they rot in hell! Never mind that in the same year, 30000 people were executed in Iran, by Iranians. That never happened. Or if it did, it's not important, because the world hates America! America is the problem! They hate us Iranians. And if I'm living in America, it's only because I deserve it. No, wait, they actually deserve me. havent you heard? Iranians are the most educated minority living in America!

I hate America's politics. And I'm not going to do anything to contribute either. That's why I seldom, if rarely at all take part in civic responsibilities. No, wait, I actually do! I vote once every 4 years in the elections on Nov 4th! See? I'm involved! I give my precious few minutes for this country every 4 years! Seriously, Kennedy was a dumbass to say "Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country". Of course they have to serve us! We bring culture to this country! We are a 7000 year old race! Their country is only 200 years old! Therefore, I dont have to get involved in anything, but they have to respect us! I resent the fact that we have no lobbies or influence or respect in Congress. After all, we own Los Angeles a.k.a. Tehrangeles!

I am a US citizen. I swore my allegiance to the flag of the United States when I became a citizen. But I hate the US Navy, Army, Marines, Air Force! And I hate their foreign policy, and their stupid flag! Invading and bombing and killing everyone! Never mind that the Talib and and Saddam dont exist any more. That was God's will. And why do they keep putting sanctions on Iran? They have to be friends with the mullahs! Hey Hillary! Stop hating us, and make friends with the mullahs! Open diplomatic relations! Kiss up! Apologize! I want to open an export-import business in Iran that makes use of my connections here in California. Those damn Human Rights activists! All they want to do is complain complain complain and distract us from having normal relations! All while America is the greatest sponsor of terrorism of all! But dont forget, I'm a proud US citizen! (only, I dont beleive shit in any of her institutions. I'm basically proud of living in CA and being successful.) My name is even American. They call me Gabriel. (It used to be Gol-Agha when I was naturalized). Oh, OK, I'm really an Iranian citizen, holding a US passport. Happy now? But that actually shows how zerang we are! hee hee.

Terrorists should not have nuclear weapons. But for Iran, it's OK, because it's their right. And if Jannati one morning wakes up and decides to declare nuking Israel or Europe or the US as halal, well, I'll just move to Canada to be safe. I have 3 cousins there, and I can speak French too. Plus, I have a degree from USC. I'm smart. They need us.

Americans are dumb people. I went to college here. They were all stupid. Couldnt even handle Algebra. Look at Silicon Valley. Full of Persians and Indians and Chinese. And whoever says America is supposed to have foreigners because it's a nation of immigrants, is a zionist. And did I tell you, the reason why Americans have twice as many Nobel Prizes as other countries is because the Nobel committee is made up of Jews. And the Apollo Moon landing never happened. Here, check out the proof. Honestly, what do the Americans have? What have they contributed to civilization? McDonalds? Guns? They dont even have a miracle for the third millenium!

And finally, my favorite of them all, "The legend of Persian penis is not a myth, it is a fact, I promise you this".

So there you have it. 


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Anonymous Observer

Fesenjoon, I forgot to mention one other category

by Anonymous Observer on

that of the extreme lunatic left.  And I'm talking about the Iranian flavor of it, not the Woodstock type.  You know the Iranian flavor...the "kaseh az ash daaghtar" for all "causes" around the world (except for Iran, of course).   

When u take an oath to become an American citizen, doesnt that oath have any fuckin meaning to you? Or is it another zerang-bazi?

You nailed it here.  It's "zerang bzi" all the way!!!  Look at what Bavafa has written me below.  He calls the men and women of the United States armed forces "mercenaries."  These are the same people who, for very little or no reward, will take a bullet for him because of his American passport.  

See the problem?   



خدا خر او‌ شناخت که بهش شاخ نداد


It looks like AO has covered just about every body but him/herself in that one paragraph of his/hers.

And I am a firm believer that the dumbest thing one can do is to join any military, and the US military will just earn you the grand champion for dumbness. First, if your motivation is financial then this is the land of opportunity so if you can not make it here, then you just deserve the US military. And if your motivation is giving back to the society then there are a zillion other ways that you can do just that without getting involved in murder. This is one military that sticks its nose in every corner of the world business and kills, grand definition for mercenaries, only cheap hire mercenaries.

And if you want to see a classic example of kaseh az ash daghtar, then read on

"If u hate Obama and Bush and Hillary and the Tea Party and the whole system so much, then why the fuck r u living here?"

Good fucking lord that you are not of a couple of generation old here, we don't quite see such statement from the red blood Americans.

Az ghadim o nadim goftan khoda khar o shenakht ke behesh shakh nadad.




by Fesenjoon on

"You can see that these people come to America to become Americans.  Most Iranians come to America to reap its benefits and then move back to Iran.  And in the meantime they live their lives as outsiders."

Binnnnnngo. My point exactly.

Ive seen so much anti-Americanism on this website, that I wanted to force people to stop and think for a moment: If u hate Obama and Bush and Hillary and the Tea Party and the whole system so much, then why the fuck r u living here? When u take an oath to become an American citizen, doesnt that oath have any fuckin meaning to you? Or is it another zerang-bazi?

Basically, we suck at assimilation.


Hats off to all the Iranians serving in the US armed forces, the Iranians that have helped millions of dollars to American higher education institutions, and the Iranians that have the balls to venture into Hollywood and the entertainment business, like Nasim Pedrad, Shawn Taub, Sam Nazarian, Bob Yari, Farhad Safinia and others. 

Anonymous Observer

Good one Fesenjoon.

by Anonymous Observer on

The problem has many angles.  It's a combination of arrogance, insecurity, being a leftover fossil Marxist who lives in a perpetual state of revolution, being totally brainwashed by IR propaganda, antisemitism and paranoia about Jews, paranoia about the "West", believing in conspiracy theories, envy, failure to educate one's self, self-imposed cultural isolation and an unwillingness to properly integrate into the society and the resulting lack of a proper understanding of the American culture and society, and a few other factors.  

As a result of the above, we are decades and generations behind other groups in integrating ourselves into the American society.  I see other immigrant groups such as the Irish or Italians, or even Cubans.  You can see that these people come to America to become Americans.  Most Iranians come to America to reap its benefits and then move back to Iran.  And in the meantime they live their lives as outsiders.

I have an Italian friend who is the son of a first generation Italian immigrant family.  His father, who still speaks English with an Italian accent, moved to America back in the 1960's and started a plumbing business.  A couple of years  ago, my friend got his hands on some money and bought himself a BMW.  His father wouldn't speak to him for a week because he was disappointed in his son for not buying an American made car.  He thought that the son needed to pay back the society that allowed him the opportunity to make that money.  What are the chances of that happening in an Iranian family?

I'm a firm believer that we have to serve the society that has granted us all these opportunities.  I even tried to enlist in the U.S. Navy a few years back, but was turned down because of a congenital heart defect (yes--it turns out that my pure Persian genes were defective.  So much for our superior race). My cousin is a U.S Marine and is currently serving in Afghanistan.  He makes our family proud.  



by Doctor mohandes on

Bara chi mikhay?

Are we finally getting serious about kicking Sargord Fezerti out of here?

Are you sure that is not Anti-american and Anti-iranian thing that we exiled-iranians with the suitcase of hatred for iran are doing, to him who has socially and sexually and politically and chappoolitically has accpeted whatever Bullcrap the IRI feeds him? I mean how much more Ugly we against-majority of the opinion in iran can we get?...

Ageh mozoo ineh. Ke i have got some numbers i can give you.


hamsade ghadimi


by hamsade ghadimi on

دکتر، آره جرج لوپز خداس.  حالا بگو یه جنّ گیر خوب سراغ داری؟


Ohhh Shit Doc Moha

by J.S. on

I was just watching South Parl season 14 episode (poor and stupid) and I figured out that I am a the typical eyeranian. I think eyeranians are worst to each other than jews or mexicans.... Lol Back to 'poor and stupid' Lol



by Doctor mohandes on

Looks Like Big  sponge Bob here took a wrong turn and enterd the wrong blog.

chill out there partner... just chill.

Slap on Hypocrisy

Yes, you are a hypocrite

by Slap on Hypocrisy on

Yes, you are right, you are a hypocrite. Who think destruction is the creation. On one time you say there is no god but Allah but then you say America is great. you are salve of your wishes but you think that you are free man. First discover what you are and who you are then think what are the conclusion of your life. If there is no purpose of your life except enjoyment then this is total lost.


George Lopez

by Doctor mohandes on


This guy and his comedy reminds me of some Dysfunctional Iranian families. Same lines, same issues. same Subjects.

hamsade ghadimi

j.s. 2

by hamsade ghadimi on

true.  the typical eyeranian is different than typicl joooish which is differnt from typical american and so on.  your wit and language reminds of someone i know.  his name is goroohban ghandali.  cheers.


hamsade ghadimi

by J.S. on

There are some good Jewish comedians. I like the "Mexicans" more Carlos Mencia, George Lopez, Paul Rodrigues, Pablo Francisco,  and well many more...

 But do you actually think the jews or the mexicans that are comedians actually believe/look-down upon/mistreat thier own people? The typical Iranian moves to Califorrrrniahia and changes his name from Shaheen to Sean. The typical Eye-ran-ian is much different person than a jewish/mexican American.

Maybe I am wrong. Show me (in good spirit) a jew that moved to LA and changed his name from Ari to Arnold and started hating all jews)

It is almost a crying pile of crap in the eye-ran-ian community.

Another example:

FOB moves to OC withing a short period of time hates all moooooslems and wants to bomb Tehran.

So I asked the guy Mohammad (yes really that is his name Well Mo now...lol)

1) Dont you come from the moooooslem backgroud and doesnt your mom live in Kraj?

To which his response is "you are Taliban islamic fooooodementlaist"

Typical eye/ran/ians.


Doktor Mohandes

by Fesenjoon on

Yeah. Our problems go much much deeper unfortunately. Secularism isnt even a solution. It's a result of a good solution.

That's what I mean when I say a democracy doesnt trickle down from above, but is built from the bottom up. Until people stop acting like insecure 13 year olds, real change wont come around.



by Doctor mohandes on

Jason Sanchez (j.s)

Aside from what HG said, You can also check out Jerry springer's show for additional insight on the topic LOL.

I mean this guy really dives right in there, opens it all up, takes the little weiner out and literally pees and poo poos all over everyone like there aint no tomorrow. and makes a mockery of the whole nation in a broad day light. .

now you tell me,Can it get any nastier anywhere in the world than in the studios of The former Honorable mayor of Cincinatti, OH?


Fesnjoon Jan

by Doctor mohandes on

Kudos on the Blog

But this here

Establish a secular state, and expunge this aura of negativity out of our culture

Does not go well with the mood our country and people are in nowadays and in general. Because you are implying that all of our cultural problems are a reflection and caused by the menace of the regime that is upon us. While i am not gonna deny certain negative aspects that have been exerted into our psyches, I would have to say that even if we become successful in establishing a supre duper Totally secularist, The best that any revolutionary movemnet and liberal crowd can buy. You can not wash these traits out of our people and their system within.

I am sure you as well as others remember very well how certain aspect of the culture has remained unchanged from pre-79.

Marvelously written!

hamsade ghadimi


by hamsade ghadimi on

that was funny.  but i think that in america, the word for it is jooooish.  woody allen, mel brooks, jerry seinfeld, lenny bruce, billy crystal and company have been poking fun at jews for a living in this country.  ask anyone.


This was left out

by J.S. on

Yeap! I agree with everything in the post and specially believe the part that it was written by an Iranian.Very typical actually. Generalize, racially dog-down, and talk negatively of your own people.

 In America I think there is a word for the the typical eye-ran-ian.




by Fesenjoon on

@Roozbeh Gilani and Yolanda

I Agree. Thanx for your comments.

@Hamseda Ghadimi

Oh yes. "We invented wine, the guitar, alcohol, and a whole bunch of other things to make the world eternally grateful to us"... I was once upon a time one of these types of Iranians too. But after a while, one eventually begins coming out of this tribalistic viewpoint, and take a more humanist approach: Not only did all other nations contribute greatly, but tribalism doesnt even make any fuckin sense anymore. At least to me it doesnt.

@ Simorgh:

EXACTLY. The ONLY way to go is khodsaazi. Start from oneself and take it from there. All we have is a big mouth, and lots of sho'aar. The blame game will never get us anywhere, but recycle the same old shit over and over again. Want progress? Establish a secular state, and expunge this aura of negativity out of our culture. The fuckin Japs got their asses fried by 2 atomic bombs. And where r they today? R they hung up on what America did 50 years ago? Or r they a US ally enjoying the fruits of a sophisticated country? And where R we? Still pissed off about Ajax 53 and Airbus 655 and Capitulation and other retro-kossher. eenhaa esmesh oghdast. And until we dont fix these things in our way of thinking, we'll keep going back torward a sword weilding 7th century culture.


Yes. The fire truck is exactly a metaphor of a reckless US foreign policy. Still, I think that the Benzin video is too subtle in making the connection. But thanks for bringing it up. I like Rammstein anyway. Theyre funny.  

hamsade ghadimi

good blog fesenjoon.  you

by hamsade ghadimi on

good blog fesenjoon.  you could have added 'ghod boodan' to your list which actually parthianshot did well in demonstrating it.  i mean the type of iranian that can't even tolerate satire of another iranian about his people.  it must be tough to be an iranian stand-up comic.  can you imagine parthian at a maz jobrani show?

also how about the iranians who think everything in the world originated from iran.  banking, mail system, atom, dishes, ... just about anything... and after all these phenomenal inventions and discoveries, we've just taken a break for a thousand years. i think, in a way, this stereotype is reflected in our abadani jokes and their laaf zadan.



by yolanda on

Thank you for your blog.......

RG is right....other immigrants share your sentiments, too! If you are an immigrant....you will have ambivalent feelings for many different things.....sometimes, your heart is torn between your adopted country and your home country.....

I will not use the word "hypocrite"......I will say that I like here and dislike certain things at the same time......it is a contradictory feeling!

Your blog is very unique and thought-provoking!




funny post fesenjoon!

by Roozbeh_Gilani on

My favourite bit is "I am sophisticated"....

But you know a lot of what you attributed to "Iranian_americans" can also be applied to other immigrants to this melting pot of USA, based on my own observations. (to start with we have Italian-americans, Irish Americans , all with close ties to home). I lived in UK for 8 years before moving to US 14 years ago, and I can tell you that immigrants find it much easier to integrate and settle  in US than say in UK. US is still the best place to immigrate to in my opinion. I also think that the attachement to ones motherland is very healthy. I love going back home once a year and am guilty of some of the stero types in your blog. I live in Southern California with huge Iranian community and have not come across anybody with serious anti_US, anti Jew, let alone pro regime sentiments, not in public at least!

Thanks again for this good blog  

"Personal business must yield to collective interest."



by Simorgh5555 on

Wonderful and thought provoking. I dsiagree with Parthian's criticism of your. We have to be self-critical and highlight our shortcomings as well as our many strengths. Unfortunately, I have seen many of the stereotypical Iranians which you are referring to and this is because of a serious identity crisis. The bottom line is that you should either be against this regime or for it. Unfortunatlely, Iranians living abroad are only concerned about their own self interest and advancing their own economic position. As you say, Iranians demosntrated last year and then the interest withered away. The solidarity against the regime must gain momentum but demonstrations are not enough. There must be more practical measures to overthrow this evil cancer in our country.



by Fesenjoon on


btw, u think my writing is good? Youre too kind.


wrong Rammstein tune

by Cheezaki on

I think "benzin" is the real Rammstein critique of America. It would have made your "Americans are dumb" point much better.



Responses2 to your Responses2

by Bavafa on

You are a gifted writer that can put things in a simple and humorous yet affective way.

Take this as your "mo' zal" (although I have no idea what it means, is it Farsi?) Anyway…see if you can do your part to try to shorten the gap in those division.

I honestly think that there are far more of us that that believe in a greater good of Iran and Iranians then those that are either hard core IRI supporters or hard core West supporters. It is just that they are really good to use slogans and ways to stir things up and polarize us to a Black and White system of thinking.


Sargord Pirouz

So COP...

by Sargord Pirouz on

You're sayin' "two-bid" is a quarter? lol, you really are still FOB!

This blog post goes a long way in demonstrating how silly and childlike you expats can be. You go completely overboard in trying to be "real" Americans but in the process of doing so, based on your own inability to shed the emotional baggage of self-exile, only succeed in being anti-Iran.

This is why well adjusted people don't take you seriously. To paraphrase T.E. Lawrence in the movie "Lawrence of Arabia":

"so long as the self-exiled Iranians fight against the majority opinion of their brethren in the Meehan, so long will they be a little people, a silly people, greedy and cruel in spirit, as you are."


Low self-esteem

by Parthianshot91 on

 Fesenjoon, I've realized that self-hating people like you lack self-esteem.


"They are not afraid of the ideology alone, but of the detemination and will of the men behind it"


stop complaining

by Parthianshot91 on

You wanna unite? stfup, stop your bitching and complaining, actually do something positive for your people instead of barking all the time.

 People like fesenjoon are gone, waaaaay gone. They do as much damage to our image as the islamists.


"They are not afraid of the ideology alone, but of the detemination and will of the men behind it"



by Fesenjoon on


Yeah, or when they claim they support Iran's national interests, then shut up about how Russia is usurping Iran's 20% Caspian Sea rights, or is delaying finishing a nuclear reactor that should have been retired by now!  


I think people exaggerate too much. We say white European Americans suck at math, but we still look up to their icons in math and physics like Brian Greene, Madelbrot, Edward Witten, or Feynman all the time. And if we're in the medical field, it's people like Denton Cooley or Michael DeBakey that are what we consider our professional idols. And Im not even going to talk about the Bill Gates and Wozniaks and Steve Jobs of the tech world. Yeah, I admit Americans suck at math, but only because theyve learned how to outsource it at low to intermediate levels. We havent. We think we're smart because we know what a second order Diff Eq is, but we still cant finish a simple PWR nuclear reactor after 40 years now.


I'd rather call it a mo'zal. Challeneges can be tackled. It has a positive ring to it. But Iranians? They have a genetic predisposition to resist pluaralism. In every Iranian's view, it's either my way or the highway, or as we say, heech kee heechee nemifahmeh.

Look at how the NIAC and the Pahlavi supporters and others are at eachothers throats. They dont need me to bring division amongst them.


This is great

by MRX1 on

Funny and sadly the truth. Yes the level of hyporcracy among many citizens of omatestan  of all flavors, specialy among islamo communist green or purpole or what ever color they choose now and day is simpy too much!!!!. I like it when they say, they are against war, against sanctions, against assisinations, against violence, against killing, against any pressure on mullah's, against litteraly any action (even symbolic ones!) and  they are aslo allegedly against the regime as well,(supposedly it will go away by it self!) but the same regime they don't like has a right to build nuclear bomb! 

oh and they are against U.S intervention in Iraq and Afghanistan, but they won't live one minute under sadam or taliban riule! 

And when it comes to killing, if muslims kill muslims by millions that's ok, seriously it is!!!! but god forbid if ten people get killed by U.S forces, or two people get beaten up by Isrealis, you will never hear the end of it!!!!