Congratulations to Iranian women for achieving another milestone, the official inauguration of the first women-only park in Tehran, called Mothers' Paradise Park. Many Westerners might not know that women in Iran have been going to parks for centuries, however in the old days it was called bagh (garden), a place where they would go to have a good time (hal kardan). But, in recent history the word "bagh" has been changed to "park", which originally is an Arabic word pronounced "bark", which means the outer covering of woody stems and roots of trees and shrubs. In another word, it meant a landscaped place where people went to let their donkeys roam freely while they relaxed in the shades. When this word entered into Persian language exactly at 11:32 AM on Monday August 12, 1657 AD, the letter "b" was replaced with "p", because Iranians have this extra letter in their alphabet that Arabs don't have. So "bark" became "park", and consequently "bagh" became "park".
The greatest thing about this new park, for the ones who can afford to live near it, or travel to it (Tehran is vast metropolis), is that they no longer need to go to cramped multi-gender parks and commingle with dirty old men who constantly harass them for a peek at their hair, or a piece of skin. It has been several decades since Tehran has become overcrowded with women, who take too much space in the landscape of the city. If it was at all practical, Islamic Republic of Iran (IRI) would keep women in tents where they belong (according to them), however all their efforts to confine them to large residential tents, or mini personalized ones called chador has failed so far, even with the relentless help from khaharan'e zaynab (female morality police overlooking dress codes). So, IRI has finally come up with a new and innovative way of extending the walls of a tent around the Mothers' Paradise Park in the form of sheet metal walls welded to thirteen feet high fences around the parameter of the park. However, so far they have failed to come up with a way to provide a roof for the park. So, pervert Iranian men still peep through the park from the surrounding hills and high-rise buildings with powerful telescopes that could spot NASA's Phoenix Mars Lander from 100 million kilometers away. But, the authorities are working diligently to come up with a solution for the roof problem as soon as islamically possible. Also, to prevent the occupying regime of Jerusalem from looking down at their women from their spy satellites.
Other than the roof, there are some other problems. To begin with, the male gate guards have to be replaced with khaharan'e zaynab immediately. Male guards are not allowed to touch any women, officially anyway. khaharan'e zaynab on the other hand are extremely diligent in spotting any female impersonator that would wish to penetrate the park. In case of deviant behavior from any would be male penetrators, khaharan'e zaynab are better suited and experienced in handling perverts than male guards.
When I say a man might get in the park disguised as a woman I am not exaggerating. A man can easily wrap himself up in a chador with only one of his eyes exposed, feminize his voice a little and get away with it. Men carried guns and explosives under their chador during the revolution, and SAVAK (Shah's Agency of Violent and Atrocious Killers) didn't know anything about it till it was too late, so they lost political power and moved to the West where they did not have to deal with veiled women anymore.
Another problem that still needs to be worked out is what to do with the male children. As the name of the park is a good indicator, this is supposed to be mothers' paradise. So, some women believe in this name and bring their children with them to the park. Unfortunately some of these children are boys, and hence the question arises, what to do with them?
One solution to this dreadful problem is to consider Islam’s concept of namahram, which in this case is if the boys have reached the age of namahram (that is to say they are older than two) they should not be allowed to enter into the park, because women inside the park no longer have to adhere to hejab (veil) rules, so the boys could become exited with the scenery. All namahram boys should be left at the gate where they can play in the sidewalk ouside the park till their mommies are done with their walk in the sidewalk inside the park.
Even though disallowing boys over age of two is the best way to adhere to the strictest Islamic rules, it might not be practical for nowadays society since a lot of bachehbaz (pedophiles) hang around parks in Tehran. So, another solution to consider is the legal age of the boys, which in general is considered to be fifteen. This is the age when boys get married, so it could be argued that boys under the age of fifteen are not capable of copulating women, therefore it would be safe to allow them to roam in the park, with their mommies of course. In this case identification check at the gate is a must. Every boy regardless of their age should carry their shenasnameh (identification document) with them. Excuses such as ‘aaghamoon shenasnamehamono paloo khodesh negah meedareh mabada fraar konim’ (our master keeps our identification documents with him to prevent us from running away’ should not be accepted. However one can predict that big arguments would brew at the gate between khaharan’e zaynab and zanaan’e chonehzan (negotiating women) who want to get their boys in the park without proper identification. In no way ba chonehzadan any female park visitor should be allowed to get away with any of these rules.
The last solution that could be considered is to check for signs of puberty at the gate. In this case any dubious boys that might have reached the age of puberty should be stopped at the gate and, with their mother‘s consent and for the sake of preserving our women‘s honor, should be asked to drop their pants so the sisters of zaynab could inspect their private parts. Yes, for the sake of preserving our women’s reputation in the park, all suspicious boys should drop their pants on the spot, and the sisters should thoroughly inspect their private parts for any sign of pubic hair, and while they are at it they should also check for circumcision. Uncircumcised boys should not be allowed to enter the park under any circumcision, I mean circumstances.
Once again, great job having your own park in Tehran. Next step in total liberation for Iranian women is to have their own parliament, where female Iranian lawmakers can take off their clothes and pass Islamic laws half-naked.
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