Love Him Less, Treat Him Better!

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minadadvar
by minadadvar
17-May-2009
 

Several years ago, a friend of mine asked me to see a young couple for marriage counseling.  Mr and Mrs Doe were reportedly married for only nine months.  The marraige was falling apart and they were thinking about getting a divorce.  I was told that they loved each other, but were constantly fighting and both were exhausted and miserable.

Mrs Doe was beautiful, highly educated and an accomplished executive.  She was born in Iran, but was raised in U.S.  Mr Doe was social, friendly and had recently finisihed his residency. He was born and raised in U.S. 

During our first session, I asked  Mr and Mrs Doe, what the problem was. Before I had a chance to finish my question,  Mr Doe exploded.  " Mina, I am done.  I can not handle this any more.  My wife is jealous, possessive and controlling.  she wants me to spend every single minute of my free time with her.  She does not want me to see anybody. Not my mother, not my sister, not my friends, not my colleagues, no one, no one,  but her.  I can not even go for a walk without her.  When she does not get what she wants, she goes nuts on me.  She cries, complains that I do not love her, tells me that I am cold, tells me that she should not have married me and.......  She goes on and on and on, until I lose my temper.  Then I feel guilty.  It is awful.  Just awful."  He said.

I turned to Mrs Doe and asked "What do you think is going on ?"  Mrs Doe, with a smile on her face and tear in her eyes said "I know, I am sensitive and get hurt very easily.  But, he should tell you that  he does not give a damn about me and my feelings.  You see, on his list,  first it is his work, then his mom, then his sister, then his friends, then his sports, then his poker game.  Everything else/everybody else is more important than me.  I wish I were indifferent.  I wish I did not care.  I wish I did not love him so much."  Crying uncontrollably. 

I waited until Mrs Doe calmed down.  Then I said  " I understand that you are in alot of pain.  I also understand that you think what you feel is love.  But frankly, what I see is fear of abandonment, an intesne need for reassurance and attention.  I am curious about this.  How do you feel about individual therapy to figure this out?"   Mrs Doe's reaction was mixed.  On one hand she seemed relieved.  On the other hand, she gave me the look, the how dare you look !  " So you think, I am the problem.   I know, that from now on, anytime that  something happens, he will say, even Mina thinks you are the problem.  We have marital problems.  We both should be here.  I do not understand how individual counseling with me will help our relationship?"  She asked. 

Knowing that Mrs Doe was confusing her neediness for being in love, I paused for a moment and said "I hope, you learn how to "love" him less, so you can treat him better."

Last week I ran into Mr and Mrs Doe.  They are expecting their second child.  A son.

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more from minadadvar
 
minadadvar

Dear Anonymous Fish

by minadadvar on Mon May 18, 2009 03:58 PM PDT

You sound like such a delightful lady.  You sure deserve ice cream and a foot rub too.  Enjoy.  Nothing wrong with giving him some too. I hope you both have fun.


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anonymous fish

well, i said it before and i say it again,

by anonymous fish on Mon May 18, 2009 03:46 PM PDT

mina says it much better.  :-)

yeah, you're right.  when i get "into" something, i really get INTO it.  when i first addressed the "need" issues in my own relationship, i saw so much potential for abuse.  emotional abuse.  so i've become the antithesis for needing something.  gone a little overboard, have i?  :-)

you're right.  there is nothing wrong with expecting my partner to satisfy my needs.  and vice versa.  he needs to have a little ice cream circe at night and i love to satisfy his need.   :-)))

in fact, i think i feel a need for a foot rub tonight... with lotion!!!!


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minadadvar

Hi Anonymous Fish

by minadadvar on Mon May 18, 2009 03:41 PM PDT

Your passion is contagious.  A great quality.  However, you need to "Chillax"  (Your word)  and practice how to be more grounded.  I am typing this with a smile on my face. 

Nilo, Azizam,  it is OK to expect your significant other to satisfy some of your needs.   What is NOT OK is to expect your significant other to satisfy your UNHEALTHY NEEDS.  This is bad for you and it is bad for the relationship.


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anonymous fish

nilo

by anonymous fish on Mon May 18, 2009 03:01 PM PDT

this is interesting.  i wonder if i'm getting this right.  i'm not sure i would have defined what you call love as someone satisfying my needs.  i personally don't think my partner should be satisfying my needs at all.  he should be satisfying my sense of completeness.  maybe i'm not saying it very well.  so let me put it this way.  i shouldn't "need" someone to love me.  i should appreciate and respect and return those two emotions to my partner.  i shouldn't "need" anyone to take care of me, emotionally or physically or financially.  i should appreciate that my partner cares for my opinions and pleasures and wishes and i should feel the same way. 

bottom line.  i hate the word "need" in terms of a relationship.  been there, done that.  i realized how incredibly vulnerable it left me.

mina explains it much better.

i don't think abuse is a result of someone not satisfying someone's needs either.  abuse comes from insecurity and anger.  it would be impossible for anyone to satisfy the needs of such a person. and truth be told... the more that someone tries to satisfy the needs of an angry person, the more they will fail.  the angry person will simply get angrier and the dependent person more subservient and the efforts more futile. 

but you are absolutely right on with your comment that the two sides might not agree on what "excessive" really is.  that is the subject of personal growth... when you could even begin to have such a discussion.


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minadadvar

Nilo

by minadadvar on Mon May 18, 2009 02:49 PM PDT

I am glad that I was able to answere your question.  You bring up a good point.  What is excessive ?  This is a very difficult question to answere.  However if :

1) It keeps on happening with people who are really close to your.

2) After you calm down, you might ask yourself "Did I overreact?'.

3) Different people have similiar compliants about you, then you need to pay attention and be curious.

Good Luck.


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Nilo Siavashi

Mina Jan, you answered my question nicely

by Nilo Siavashi on Mon May 18, 2009 02:36 PM PDT

 I like how you call it an interdependent relationship.  I agree with your response.  The only thing is that for people in relationships, it might not always be easy to know when their needs are becoming excessive.  Also the two sides might disagree on what is excessive.  In any case, you did answer my question.  Thanks.


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minadadvar

Nilo

by minadadvar on Mon May 18, 2009 02:35 PM PDT

Nilo jan.  I have no problem with an interdependent relationship. You meet his needs and he meets yours.   As long as the needs are healthy and reasonable, why not.   However, the EXCESSIVE NEED for  attention, fear of being abandoned, constant need for reassurance, in  my opinion are unhealthy and signs of immaturity and unresolved issues.   An individual can not fully participate in an interdependent relationship, without being first an indpendent and autonomous person. I hope I answered your question.  


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Nilo Siavashi

In romantic love, why not love someone who satisfies your needs?

by Nilo Siavashi on Mon May 18, 2009 01:10 PM PDT

Dear Mina, I do not get it.  If we are not talking about love between a mother and child or two sisters, if we are just talking about romatic love, then why not love one who satisfies your needs?  Think about it. If someone needs to have an intelligent conversation and also look at someone beautiful who is alo funny, what is wrong if that person then loves a handsome, smart, funny person? The person satisfies their needs and that is why they love that person romantically. If one day that person turns to a bitter stupid ugly person, why shouldn't the other side be free not to love that person any more? In my opinion, if a person loves someone who satisfies their needs, then there will be less room for acceptance of abuse also.  Can you explain what is so wrong to love someone who satisfies your needs? I don't get it. 


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minadadvar

Anonymous Fish

by minadadvar on Mon May 18, 2009 11:44 AM PDT

Dear A/F, you should call yourself, The Little Black Fish of Samad Behrangi.  The little fish who liked to take the path less travelled.  You sound interested in personal growth.  And you seem willing to pay the price!

In my work with couples, I often see that many confuse the pain of being alone and  fear of abandoment for being in love. This problem has a devestating impact on the quality of their relationship with their significant other.  I believe that if they could deal with their fear/anxiety,  their relationship would improve tremendously.  Not to mention the personal growth.

Yes, I live and work in Washington Metropolitan area.  And yes, I do take new clients ( I do not call them patients).  For more information you can call me at 301-530-4806.  


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anonymous fish

you've reduced a very very important

by anonymous fish on Mon May 18, 2009 11:09 AM PDT

issue into a short blog.  and very successfully, i might add.  what i like... and what you've been criticized for... is that you take real-life issues and present them in the form of a short story.  is this an iranian thing?  :-)  my husband uses analogies for e v e r y t h i n g and when he starts, i just roll my eyes...lol.  but this subject is soooo right on.  you have no idea how many people associate need with love.  and how harmful this can be.  it can... and will... reduce a relationship to nothing more than a "satisfy MY needs" with no opportunity for growth. 

awesome... damet garm.

ps.  do you live near OC?  what are your rates and are you taking any new patients... :-0


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minadadvar

Soheill

by minadadvar on Mon May 18, 2009 05:25 AM PDT

Dear Soheill,  I believed that Mrs Doe would get anxious and fearful of being abandnoned, when she did not get constant attention and reassurance from her husband.  It was not love.  It was neediness.   I believed that having insight into her issues would help her to become less anxious/fearful/needy.  Love him less means  need him less. 


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default

Mina

by Soheill (not verified) on Sun May 17, 2009 10:26 PM PDT

What do you mean by loving less? can you explain and give examples.


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