Akhonds in Space!

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Akhonds in Space!
by Fesenjoon2
09-Aug-2012
 

The Student News Agency reports that a Hawzah in Mashad will be opening a seminary field of study specialized in "extraterrestrial jurisprudence".

My friends, the end of the universe is near. The handiwork of the mullahs will now be exported to other planets as well. And here I was laughing when the chadori reverend mother in Dune kept talking about "The Jihad".

Just think about the verdicts that will start coming out of this on marja-e taqleed websites:

  • Istiftaa: How will fasting be in Low Earth Orbit? Answer: Muslims in Low Earth Orbit must fast for only 45 minutes in Ramadan, because it only takes them ~90 minutes to circle the Earth ("sunrise" to "sunset" in an equatorial orbit will hence be roughly half of that). Hence abstinence from sex will be considerably shortened, by the Grace of God, subhana wa ta'ala!
  • Istiftaa: How many wives can muslims take in Space? Answer: Since life on the surface of the Earth is largely 2-dimensional, and since movement in Space will likewise be 3-Dimensional, therefore whereas it is permissible to have 4 wives (2^2) on Earth, in Space muslims can have 8 (i.e. 2^3) wives, as the math clearly demonstrates.
  • Istiftaa: Will farting in space cancel (baatil) our wudhu (ablutions)? Answer: Farts in space will not cancel (baatil) your prayer or wudhu, because in the absence of gravity, gases diffuse freely in all 3 directions (x, y, and z) without being influenced by gravity. Therefore the smell can dissipate faster.
  • Istiftaa: How should women's proper Hijab be in Space? Answer: Since it is possible for the woman to rotate while floating in microgravity therefore exposing the area between her legs underneath her, women must be wrapped up in complete 4-Pi Steradian Hijab. The best method is to put them inside of Glad plastic bags, preferably black instead of the white ones sold in stores, so as to curb the eyes of the naa-mahram. That way, they can also blend into the darkness of space and fade into nothing. Of course she can come out of the bags for pro-creation whenever the husband requires. And Allah is most kind and just.
  • Istiftaa: Is it permissible to have sex with Extra-terrestrial women? Answer: It is permissible to have sex with any moving being (jonbandeh), as long as it is narm o lateef, and has a clear understanding of the Sigheh Mahramiyat.
  • Istiftaa: When having sex with extra-terrestrials, since the physiology of Extra-terrestrials is different, what constitutes "dokhool"? Answer: Dokhool occurs when the forehead of the penis enters any ET hole or slides through any crack or groove without considerable viscosity. And Allah has created an abundance of blessings for His believers to confide in.   
  • Istiftaa: What is the hukm of marrying an ET? Answer: Since they are not people of the Book, you cannot marry them, but you can have temporary marriage with them. The resulting offspring will be legitimate in the eyes of Allah. And Allah is most thoughtful.
  • Istiftaa: Is it permissible to go back in time and marry my mother, cuz I see her pics from the Shah's time in a Mini-joop, and I think she was hot! Answer: It is permissible, but Ehtiyaat-e Vaajeb must be done to get to her before your dad does.

 

Can you think of any similar gems of fiqaahat in Space?

 

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Fesenjoon2

AO

by Fesenjoon2 on


Answer:
Salamun Alaikom brother. May your prayers be accepted to Allah in this auspicious Holy month. Having sex with terrestrial livestock in space is permissible, as long as you pay the Imam who reads the khutbah between you and the Earthly animal a 20% commission fee. It is also permissible to stuff objects up one's rectum for the cause of Islam, if you wish, as has been elucidated here:

http://iranian.com/main/blog/fesenjoon2/henceforth-ass-bombing-halal

PS: FYI, sandoq sadaqaat also now accepts credit cards. 


Fesenjoon2

Sure Latina. Please feel

by Fesenjoon2 on

Sure Latina. Please feel free :-)


Anonymous Observer

How about sex with Earth animals in space?

by Anonymous Observer on

such as donkeys and camels, Imam Khomeini's favorites?  Should the animals then be sold on other planets?


Latina

...........

by Latina on

Good answer.

I don't know why but it has been my experience that people are always
trying to pin one to something specific. Instead of continuing the cycle.
I think that from now on I will
ask "what are your views on religion?"

Thank you for your response.

 

PS: Hmmm I think that this might make a good subject for a blog. Yes indeed.

May, I have your permission to use your previous statement in my future blog? I promise to be kind. 


Fesenjoon2

Latina

by Fesenjoon2 on

That's a difficult question that I always try to avoid. :-)

All I can tell you are 2 things:

 

  1. I am not an atheist, because atheism is just another form of dogma. If there is JUST ONE thing I have learned from all these years in academia and being a PhD in the hard sciences, it is that I know almost NOTHING of where I am, who I am, and where I come from... and neither does anybody else. We know nothing of reality. We cant even define what reality is. To paraphrase Descartes and Heisenberg: the only thing one can be certain about in the universe, is uncertainty.
  2. My problem really is with institutionalized religion, not the religion itself per se.

 


Latina

...........

by Latina on

 Thank you for the clip. I have enjoyed his comedy on relationships in the past. 

 

So, I take it that due to your past experiences you have chosen atheism?


Fesenjoon2

Latina

by Fesenjoon2 on

I find that expletive writing does have its merits. I picked up the idea from watching people like Bill maher and George Carlin. Example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RT6rL2UroE&feature=related

 


Latina

............

by Latina on

 Please, don't hold back. Tell us exactly how you feel. :o)

I must say that you are something else.

I am just not sure of what yet. LOL

Perhaps, yolanda can help me with this.

I certainly needed a good laugh today. 

Thank you