10 ways to recognize an Iranian closet-Islamist


10 ways to recognize an Iranian closet-Islamist
by Fesenjoon

If you see somebody exhibiting one or more of these 10 signs, chances are you are dealing with a closet-Islamist.

What or who is a closet-Islamist? It is, by my definition, someone who says they are against IRI and it's ugly record and history, and like a chameleon change color to blend in with your crowd. Yet in practice, when it actually comes down to taking a stand, they essentially support the wellbeing and survival of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

So what are the possible signs?

1. Meet Khodaaye distraction. They are constantly distracting attention away from Iran and her problems, and focusing instead on Guantanamo or Palestinian rights or Afghanistan, or some other anti-American drivel. Someone has to keep reminding them: Aghajoon, bekhodaa 1953 was 57 years ago! Get over it! We're talking about Nasrin Sotoodeh, You keep talking about Chomsky and global imperialism. We're talking about Iran's IAEA commitment, You keep bringing up Hiroshima. Are you stupid or what? Ahmagh joon, even the Japanese are over it! Quit the distracting act! Stop trying to throw a blanket over the gohhhh of Iran's Islamic Republic!

2. "Americans do it too!" As soon as you bring up some gross human rights violation inside Iran or some prison rape, some execution, some reeshoo baseeji beating some protester, etc., the closet-Islamist can't contain him/herself and surely starts sputtering: "oh, but they have it here in America too! I see it all the time!" Imagine the look on Judge Judy's face if the closet-Islamist tells her in court: "Your honor! I beat my wife, because my American neighbor is doing it all the time as well!" Even Ozgal Shalimov understands that just because some shit happens somewhere doesnt give you any justification for what happens in your house! You cant even sell that shit to an Iranian judge! Umm...Wait a minute....I'm wrong, you actually can. :-D 

3. They always talk about reforms. Kodoom reform? How many times does it take for your thick head to understand that cosmetic changes arent going to fix anything when the building has a crumbling foundation? The very existence of a Council of Guardians filtering candidates by itself is screaming at you in the face, and yet you still go and vote every election for one scum or another. ("meegan Larijani is an enemy of Ahmadinejad!". Fool! Theyre from the same party! Party of Velayat Faghih! Factional disputes dont mean shit when it's time to kiss the holy ass of the Supreme Leader!)

items 4, 5, and 6 especially usually appear together:

4. "No regime change!" Mention the word "regime-change", and they immediately call you a "CIA hired lowlife" or stooge or whatever shit they can smear you with. Even if a UN force were to do this, they will vehemently try to throw every argument they can find at you. "Khaa'en!", "Khod foroosh!", "Bi Gheirat!" The closet-Islamist has a hand dictionary for fohsh to use against you at all times.

5. "No sanctions!" Someone needs to ask them: wait a minute, how can things get any worse than they have already been! People are selling kidneys just to pay the next rent! And I remember the kopon-e paneer lines as far back as this regime itself!You think if sanctions are lifted, the wealth will start trickling down from above? I think it was Agha Mammad Khan Qajar who once said "keep the people hungry, and they wont have any ability to even think and question you". Hmmm. I wonder if his advisor was an Akhond! Lifting UN sanctions wont help the poor kid in Yaft Abad. It will help build new schools in Southern Lebanon, and pay for handouts to buy votes in rural areas for the next Ahmadinejad to appear in the "elections".  

6. "No surgical strikes!" OK. So the US will never land a manned army in Iran. But what about surgical strikes to targets like Sepah Pasdaran facilities, weapons factories, missile research sites? I mean, come on! There's a thousand different industrial facilities out in the desert controlled by the Sepah that isnt in the middle of Tehran! have you ever been to Natanz? The whole damn enrichment compound is outside the city. Same for the ones in Qom, Yazd, and Arak! Nope, no use talking here either. Deaf ears.  

7. "You are anti-Iran!" OK. so youre against sanctions, against surgical strikes, against any war, ...so tell me how is it exactly that you would like to see IRI go away? Sending them a bouquet of flowers and asking them nicely to go? See, when you confront the closet-Islamist with such questions, they immediately change the topic of discussion to YOU: "You havent lived here!", "Youre anti-Iran", "Youre a Shahi fossil", "Youre CIA employee", "You have failed miserably", ....They basically try to attack you (instead of your argument), to discredit your argument. Well I have news for you Kos-khols: it's called AD HOMINEM, and it'll never help you win any argument. Instead it basically makes you look like Elmer Fudd.

8. "Iran has a right to nuclear enrichment". NO IT DOESNT! NO IT DOES NOT! That right is meant only for "states that have demonstrated a certain level of maturity" (she said it). If youre a convicted felon, there's no way in hell they'll let you buy a gun, even in Laredo, Texas. Iran cant even tolerate it's own domestic opposition, and has to sodomize political prisoners in Kahrizak with bottles, and jail its own filmmakers for 6 years, to legitimize itself. A country that constantly manages to make enemies out of half of the western world, is not mentally stable or mature. Kids shouldnt play with matches. And stop trying to say that in America it happens too. No-it-doesnt. No fucking cleric or sign or baseeji instructs me in America which foot to use to go inside a toilet and take a shit. That ONNNNNNNNNNLY happens in Iran, where the regime is all the way inside your rectum, telling you how to breathe, eat, pee, fuck, and die. 

9. "Iranian unity!" When you hear somebody keeps talking about Iranian unity and "national integrity", pay close attention to what theyre saying. Usually what they mean is "everyone should unite with us and our viewpoint! The correct viewpoint!" And by "National integrity" they mean "we will fuck the Azari Torks (and anybody else) who dares even think of autonomy from Iran! Speak Farsi you fools!" The closet-Islamist thinks he is always right, because he is on the side of Haq. Pluralism has no meaning for these people, otherwise why call for everyone to unite? Ask them: would you be willing to join forces with Rajavi's people? Would you be willing to unite and call for a regime change in Iran? The closet-Islamist has no concept whatsoever about diversity of opinions. They cant tolerate any opposition. That's why you have their brethren in Iran social engineering the entire fuckin country for 30 years. They want everyone to be a Shia Ithna Ashari loyal to Velayat Faghih. Here outside Iran, they cloak their posture, and put on a "secular" face to rally people around them. Kind of like the way Chadori women suddenly start wearing tight body-hugging red raincoats here. But you can easliy rat them out. Ask them: I'm a tea party neocon satanist lesbian. Can you tolerate and accept me as an equal? If not, then stop trying to sell me your exclusivist ideology (otherwise known as Islam) under the guise of "unity". Unity my ass. A democracy is not a homogenous body politic, BY DEFINITION. Get that into your thick parcham-e Islam head. 

10. Hypocrites all the way. Tell them Iran is number one in executions in the world, and they quickly point out that "Iran is not the same as IRI!" Then try telling them: OK, then would you fight in an armed conflict against the Islamic Republic of Iran? Then they tell you: "No, I dont want to fight an Iranian soldier". (aha! So now all the sudden Iran and IRI become one and the same!) The Iranian closet-Islamist has hypocricy written all over his face. He hates America, but loves to enjoy all her benefits. Ask them: OK, so tell me just one good thing youre grateful to Uncle Sam for here in the United States. If youre lucky, you might hear something like: "Free refills!"



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Great Article.

by AlexInFlorida on

Jealousy would also be another criteria for Islamists.  Everything For themselves nothing for others.


oh and btw

by Fesenjoon on

heres a picture of a closet Islamist.

love the Sandis.



by Fesenjoon on

Military strikes are complicated indeed. That's why even talking about it is useless. If it's destined, it'll happen. No need for my speculation. The real people who decide these things are people whose names are never even mentioned in the news.

Still, I dont think IRI is going away any time soon. I pity all these leftists. They will be sitting here, 20 years from now, and still talking about reforms in Iran, and how USA has lost its ascendency, and 1953 Mossadegh coup, and all that bullcrap.

Like I told NP the other day: in the grand scheme of things, there's not much we can do. At least certainly not here on IC.

I thought people here on IC were a bit more intelligent than ordinary Iranian folk. But from what Ive seen in the past few weeks, they pretty much average out like other places. A bunch of insecure por-modde'aa pinheads running around huffing and puffing about shit thats not even related. In time, these morons will have to learn the hard way. But then again, dont we all.

You know AO, sometimes I feel that this kind of crap (debating cheap stupid shit with dimwits on IC) is well below me. Im waaaay beyond this shit. Now, after 20 years of writing articles and papers, I kind of feel like Im bored with all this. People have no clue what theyre talking about. And I cant make them see what I have seen. I kind of feel like Roy Batty at the end of Blade Runner. But then again, that's what life is all about: experiencing the shit first hand yourself. Oh well.

God Bless America. Have a good one.


You'll often hear some of it in the West,

by Rea on

some is exaggerated, though.

J.Panahi remains the link. With my 2 cents. 

Anonymous Observer

Fesenjoon Jaan

by Anonymous Observer on

The issue of military attack is quite complicated.  For there to be an absolute guarantee that the regime will be removed, the U.S. will have to put a large number of boots on the ground, which I don't think it's prepared to do.  There is no doubt that the U.S. can send Iran back to the stone age within 48-72 hours with air strikes alone.  But aside from the possible civilian deaths, what would that accomplish for the purpose of regime change?  It will definitely accomplish American military objectives in the Persian Gulf, but I'm not sure that it will guarantee regime change.  And the worst thing is for the air strikes to end and for the akhoonds to be still around.

See, you're dealing with Hassan Nasrollah mentality here.  Remember 2006?  Half of South Lebanon got destroyed, 1400 people died, and Nasrollah came out afterwards and claimed victory because he had survived (probably in the basement of IR's embassy in Beirut).  The same thing will be true if there's an air strike on Iran and the akhoonds survive.  They will crawl out of their holes, claim victory and go after the people.

So, the uncertainty of success and the possibility of civilian deaths makes me not believe in military strikes. But, make no mistakes about it.  The IR and its supporters have been itching and advocating war with the U.S.  When it comes to picking a war with the U.S., the IR has a policy of Taunt, Retreat and Play Victim.  One of these day, though--unfortunately for the Iranian people-- they will have a "kaleh shagh" in the White House who wouldn't take their crap anymore and will attack.

And as far as sanctions, the problem with them is that they concentrate economic power in the hands of a select group who can circumvent them, and in Iran's case, that group is the IR mafia, the Sepah, Basij, etc.  It actually gives them more power.  That's the problem with economic sanctions.  It takes away power from the people.

And you are right.  We ARE stupid.  And it's not just stupidity, it's a combination of a lot of other factors too, such as "chaaploosi", laziness, selfishness, fatigue, wanting a sense of normalcy, etc...

Everything else in your blog is spot on.  Great writing as always.  And Roozbeh is right.  You write them and they crawl out of their holes.  


#11: Write a blog about them!

by Roozbeh_Gilani on

And they'll crawl out of their closets and show you their ugly islamist faces from behind their fancy, misleading avatars and statements!

But hey, does it really matter to me and you what a bunch of had/never been, elderly, gender confused west residing islamists say on Iranian.com? I personally believe in one thing and one thing only: the will of Iranian people for achieving democracy and social justice, free from shah and sheikh, no matter the price 

"Personal business must yield to collective interest."



by Simorgh5555 on



You think my thoughts but if only I could have written this. You nail it every time, dude! Fantastic! you know how to get into the Iranian psyche and describe the Islamist thought patterns as they are. I've been saying this all along.

This is your finest, sir! MASTERPIECE.

Well done.

Sargord Pirouz

I personally don't know any

by Sargord Pirouz on

I personally don't know any Islamists here in California, of either the open or closet variety. None.

Anyone here know any bona fide Islamists, personally? 

I know it's bandied about here as a slur, akin to a socialist using the term "capitalist exploiter." But for me it's meaningless simply because I don't know any here in California. And in places where an Islamic Republic has been established, such as Iran, polls show that a solid majority of respondents support their means of governance. So for those of us in the US, UK and France, why should we be trying to tell those folks how to live? 

Unless of course a sense of personal emotionalism dictates such a response. Which, as some would say, sounds like a personal problem.



by Fesenjoon on

Thanks for the comment.

Im not so sure that a military attack would necessarily be much of a benefit either. It may, it may not. Who knows. To me, it seems there are no easy solutions at all. Im not a proponent of military strikes and war and sanctions. But I dont dismiss them either. Why? Because me and you (and pretty much everyone here) simply dont know all the facts. All we can do is speculate.

Those who can truly fix the problem are unfortunately either too busy hunting for a loaf of bread for their next meal, or are busy giving sho'ar and spreading around Khomeini's culture of hatred of Amrica, Engelees, France, Israel, or anybody not in the tribe.

We're stupid AO. And it's partly because we're too conservatively tribalistic, and partly because we're religious. No country on the planet has the propensity of weaving pure kos-sher like we do. NO COUNTRY! We're stupid, and we're stuck. And it pisses me big time. The omgh-e faje'e is so deep, that all I can do is be angry and shake my head. 


Niloufar Parsi

by Fesenjoon on

Niloufar jan,

If you dont like it, dont read it. I hope you respect my freedom to say what I like, as I do yours.

And I hope you dont fall into the same trap that immature kids like VPK, Peykar, ParthainShot et al have fallen into. (stalking people they dont agree with using ad hominems).

You can write any hateful thing about Americans and the opposition of Iran that you like in your blog. I wont mind. I truly believe in what Voltaire says. I hope you will do the same for me too.

Only time will tell what will happen to Iran. In the great scheme of things, me and you are both pawns. It's all a game, this life. Things happen in politics and on the world stage, with me and you not having the slightest idea how and why they really happened.

MC to u too.



by Fesenjoon on

ای آقای داس و چکش. بوش میاد که شما بشدت به مطالب مندرجه بنده معترضید. احتمالا یا از ذوب شدگان ولایت، یا از باقی‌ماندگان توده و غیره و ذالکید. شاید هم هیچکدام. اما راستش برای من زیاد اهمیتی ندارد که شما در چه طیفی از سیاست و تفکر سیر میکنید. ما شما را هر طور هستید قبول داریم. شما هم ما و نظراتمان را قبول داشته باش و همین جا قضیه را مختومه فرض کنید. محور اصلی حرف من هم همین است که ای کاش ایرانی‌جماعت بجای اینکه اینقدر به پروپاچه هم می‌پیچیدند و سعی در مغلوب یا مجاب کردن یکدیگر میکردند (چه با چماق، چه با گفتمان در این بلاگ)، به پلورالیسم سیاسی جامع عمل میپوشاندند. اونوقت سرتاپای مشکلاتمان حل میشد.

از من نخواهید لات بی‌سروپا را برایتان تعریف کنم، چون نیک میدانید که آخرش به هیچ جا نمی‌رسیم. موضوع خیلی ساده است و احتیاجی به شکفتن ندارد: من به اعتبار موجه و قانونی نظام جمهوری اسلامی ایران معتقد نیستم، و شما هستید. نظامی که شما از آن قصد حمایت دارید در حال حاضر وجود مخالفین را نمی‌پذیرد و فقط طیف خود را لایق کشورداری میداند، درصورتیکه من اگر می‌بودم، شمای مخالف را هم در حکومت شریک می‌کردم و سعی در برقراری یک سیستم پلورالیستی داشتم. همین.

جهان‌بینی هر دوی ما با هم سازگار نیست. بنابراین بحث و گفتگو را فایده‌ای نیست. چون آخرش به انکار و تکذیب و اهانت می‌کشد و ره به ترکستان می‌رود. اگر قرار بود جمهوری اسلامی ایران گوش شنوایی برای مخالفینش داشته باشد، چهار پنج میلیون ایرانی آواره کشورهای دیگر نمی‌شدند. می‌ماندیم و در تکثر و تنوع آرا ایران را برای همه می‌ساختیم. نه فقط برای مسلمان اثناعشر پیرو ولایت فقیه. و دیگر هم مجبور به تحمل برچسب‌های روزانه‌ای مثل مرتد و کافر و منافق و جاسوس و آلت فتنه و صهیونیسم و غیره نمی‌شدیم.

بنابراین بهترین چاره همان است که گفتم. حتی اگر نظراتم در مورد شما باز تماما اشتباه بوده باشد، باز هم همان بهتر که نظرات یکدیگر را به چالش نطلبیم. بقول معروف

lets agree to disagree

Niloufar Parsi


by Niloufar Parsi on

this is tired and old. reads like a closet zionist's manifesto.... you know, like someone is desperately trying to do away with all reasons why iran should not be attacked. we've seen it all before. cheap, treacherous stuff.

btw, iran is not a person. it is a country with millions of people, each with her/his own way of looking at the world. and unlike some disturbed individuals around this place, the great great majority of them do not sit at home and dream of 'war' all day long.

merry christmas to you fesenjoon.

ps most of those hypocrites singing praises of this latest gem of yours do not actually agree with what you are driving at. you are pretty much alone in wishing war on iran. don't take my word for it. just ask around. you will find a 'mahmoudg', 'fred', 'pastor bill' or another closet fascist on your side on this one.

Anonymous Observer

Fesenjoon gerami

by Anonymous Observer on

another masterpiece, although I am against any military attacks and sanctions, in my opinion, strengthen the regime's mafia.  But overall, a great job.  I'll elaborate more tomorrow.  


دوست عزیز "فسنجون"



امیدوارم بدون حبّ و بغض بتواییم چند مطلب را مطرح کنیم: خواهش اول
من اینست که معنی‌ و کاربرد لات بی‌ سر و پا را بفرمائید. اینرا هم عرض کنم
که من به حق شما به عنوان نویسنده بلاگ احترام گذاشته و هر موقع که شما
تصمیم بگیرید، موضوع را مختومه اعلام می‌کنیم. لج
بازی‌‌های دوران بچگی‌
بماند برای بعد از بازگشت به میهن.


Never increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything.



Great blog, Thank you... I

by Arthimis on

Great blog, Thank you... I agree with its fundamental point! If you are a True Iranian, then Iran MUST come First, Period.

Anything else is a distraction and will eventually fail !!

Free Iran and Iranians


areh baba

by Fesenjoon on

معلومه عن‌مرغش بد عن‌مرغیه که حتی مریدانش را هم داره فراری می‌ده

all shit is not created equal

Shazde Asdola Mirza

فسنجون جون: اوضاع آنقدر خراب شده که "طرفداران رژیم" هم بعله

Shazde Asdola Mirza

by Niloufar Parsi on

this regime must go.

long live free iran.



by Fesenjoon on

baba eival, zadee to khaal! lol

Shazde Asdola Mirza

مرغ و خروس فقط یه سوراخ خروجی‌ دارند

Shazde Asdola Mirza

... and that's a biological fact.

واسه همینه که اوضاع جمهوری اسلامی همیشه "عن مرغی یه"

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime

Folks: From which end, Takbir comes out of?

by Everybody Loves Somebody ... on

Front or back?

The only "good" combination of nukes and Islamists that I can think of is when the former is dropped on the latter!

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Comrade: number 8 trapped you? Let go buddy - the jig is up!

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

سلاح هسته‌ای ... حق مسلم ماست!

Bad Stories for Bad Kids

Shazde Asdola Mirza

چند تا از این مرغ و خروس‌های حزب الشیطان رو فسنجون کنیم

Shazde Asdola Mirza

... چه حالی‌ میده

Bad Stories for Bad Kids



by Fesenjoon on

indeed, ...with lots of Robbe Anaar :-)


Yes Fesenjoon, you write!!

by comrade on

I thought Iranians were waiting for you to save them, but it seems you are waiting for them to act first.

Can I most respectfully ask you to switch to Farsi font before I offer my explanation after couple of friendly chats?  

Never increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything.


Shazde Asdola Mirza

آفرین بر فسنجون - غذای مورد علاقه من

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Islamists + Nukes = End of the World

Bad Stories for Bad Kids


No Comrade, youre wrong

by Fesenjoon on

You cant give something like nuclear weapons technology to any bi-saropaa laat that takes over the country and rules.

Whenever Iranians rid Iran of IRI, then we'll talk about "Iran's rights".

So No, it doesnt have the right now, because Iran is not ruled by sane Iranians, but mad IRI fanatics.

Hoshang Targol

Our problem is turning a disfunctinal 2oth century technology:

by Hoshang Targol on

nuclear energy, into a "national priority" which  definitely IT IS NOT. We have a right to develop anything and everything we deem necessary within our borders, however 'priorities' created by monarchy or mullahs are totally different stories. I smell a closet Stalinist?!




by comrade on

Iran has absolute legal right for enriching the nuke stuff. No one in the West has the moral standing to preach the rest of the world on the issues of behaving responsibly.

Our problem, and that's our problem, is Sepah's future monopoly on it.

Never increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything.