Who Crashed Iranian.com's Servers?


by Faramarz

Scene 1: CSI has been called in to a crime scene at an apartment in Las Vegas. The victim is Kimchi, a 28-year old Korean-American cocktail waitress. She has been killed by a single blow to the head.

Her room is full of posters of Iranian singers, Dariush, Andy and Arash. There is an old picture of her with what appears to be her love interest, a young Iranian man called Hamid.

Grissom: “I love chelo kabob a lot, but I think that she is infatuated by Persian men!”
Catherine: “Those Persian boys are bad! I used to date one of them.”

CSI recovers two laptops from Kimchi’s apartment. One belongs to her, but further analysis at the lab and the matching of the serial number to the Interpol database reveals that the second laptop was stolen from a man named Jahanshah Javid back in August on a TGV train from Paris to Marseille.

Scene 2: Nick is interviewing Kimchi’s manager, Dokhi at The Wynn.

Dokhi: “Kimchi was a beautiful girl. She dated this guy Hamid for almost two years when they were both in college. They wanted to get married, but Hamid’s mom was against it. She wanted him to marry a nice Persian girl. They eventually broke up. Since then she has been going to Persian clubs and concerts looking for romance. But it has all been quick affairs with the wrong guys. She joined an Iranian on-line community, Iranian.com about six months ago and she seemed happy for a while. I know that she met one guy through Iranian.com, Asghar Ghaatel. They met a couple of times here in Vegas. He told her that he was separated from his wife. I am not sure what came out of that relationship.”

Scene 3: Six months earlier in Vegas.

Kimchi has been glued to her computer ever since she discovered Iranian.com. She blogged constantly and made comments about all subjects. She also dropped hints here and there that she was interested in meeting some of the bloggers. In particular, she was attracted to Asghar Ghaatel. She found his postings very clever.

Asghar wrote about social and political issues, but over time his material became more and more explicit. Some of the readers objected to his crude language. He had some heated email exchanges with JJ and was ultimately asked not to come back to Iranian.com.

Kimchi and Asghar met in Vegas several times. In their last meeting Asghar told her that he is going to work things out with his wife and cannot see Kimchi anymore. Kimchi was heart broken.

Scene 4: Four months earlier. Kimchi is on the same trans-Atlantic flight as JJ.

She had learned about his itinerary through one of his regular customers who works at the British Airways. Their flight lands at Paris Orly in mid morning. Kimchi follows JJ as he gets on the TGV train to Marseille. She sits a couple of rows behind JJ and watches him as he falls asleep. As the train approaches Gare de Lyon station, JJ is sound asleep. Kimchi quickly grabs his backpack with his laptop and camera in it and heads for the door.

She takes the next train back to Paris and then heads home to Vegas.

Scene 5: Back at her apartment in Vegas a couple of nights ago, Kimchi texts Asghar; “I have a present for you honey. I have JJ’s computer with all his files. Call me.”
Asghar calls Kimchi and tells her that he would drive to Vegas from LA in the afternoon and will be at her place right after she gets off her shift at The Wynn.

That night Kimchi and Asghar rekindled their romance. She told him that she did this to prove her love for him. Asghar played along, but revenge was the only thing on his mind. He was thrilled to have JJ’s computer with all the admin passwords and access to everything. He quickly connected to the Iranian.com hosting company and started deleting files and crashing the system. In a matter of minutes he wiped out years of Iranian.com archives. All those Iranian of the Day models by Ghormeh Sabzie were gone. So were all those 1970’s clips from the Royal family by Dariush Kadivar.

Asghar Ghaatel was elated! He finally took his revenge.

Around 4 am Asghar got out of the bed and started putting his shirt on.
Kimchi woke up, “Where are you going?”
Asghar: “I am sorry I have to go.”
Kimchi: “After all of this, you are going to walk out on me? I won’t let you do it.”

As Asghar tried to leave, Kimchi grabbed on to him and started hitting him. Asghar pushed her off. She fell down and hit the back of her head against the glass table. Asghar panicked and left her apartment, not knowing what had just happened.

Final Scene: LAPD arrests Asghar Ghaatel outside a chelo-kabobi in Westwood.

Grissom: “I am going to have an extra gojeh with my koobideh today!”


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by yolanda on

Thank you for your realistic fiction. Thank you for only picking on Koreans, not the other Asians & Orientals...:O))  You should write more to entertain the Iranian.comers.


محاكمه اصغر قاتل


Thank You Anahid, Yolanda and the Moosh

...I left out a small scene outside the courthouse

As the jury was deliberating, a large group of Iranians gathered outside the courthouse. They were waving Iranian flags and chanting

اصغر قاتل از زندان

آزاد بايد گردد

اين قاتل ِ بى آزار

آزاد بايد گردد



by yolanda on


LOL,  I love your punch line at the end of your post! OJ trial is coming back to me.

Judge Ito, kato keilln, Marcia Clarke, Rosa lopez.....OMG!

Thanks for the laugh!


A better defense for Asghar Ghatel

by Anonymouse on

In the original story you said:

As Asghar tried to leave, Kimchi grabbed on to him and started hitting him. Asghar pushed her off. She fell down and hit the back of her head against the glass table. Asghar panicked and left her apartment, not knowing what had just happened. 

Then you said the defense argued that the murder weapon was JJ's sock.  So JJ's sock had to kill Kimchi.  Now here's the scenario as I see it because the fact that she fell to her death on the glass table is not in dispute.

As Asghar tried to leave, Kimchi out of feeling a guilty conscious grabbed JJ's sock out of the backpack and wanted to show it to Asghar and admit that yes she and JJ had collaborated behind his back.

However, as she grabbed JJ's sock, the fumes from the sock suddenly made her dizzy so when Asghar suddenly looked back (ala Michael Jackson's whose bad song) Kimchi was already shaken and going backwards.  Asghar tried to pull her back but she was already unconscious and fell to her death on the glass table.

The defense then asked the judge for JJ's sock (Exhibit A) and waved it to couple of the jurors saying; smell it!  Here! smell it!  Then once 2 of the jurors were left unconscious, he told the remaining jurors, "if you don't want to pass out, you must aquit!" 

Everything is sacred.

Anahid Hojjati

Faramarz, this blog and comments on it are smart and fun

by Anahid Hojjati on


Thanks Faramarz for a well thought and written blog and then making great followup comments like your courtroom scene and the one about John Wayne going to dentist.  I am used to reading anti IRI material from you but your sense of humor is shining in this blog and and also on the comment thread.



by yolanda on

Thank you for the "trial" episode. I feel like your story is not going to end...Here is my imaginary next episode:

Asghar's acquittal sparked protests in LA's Korean Town and also spread to both South and North Korea. Korean Americans displayed the signs "Say Yes to Kimchi, Say No to Kebob" & "Long live Kimchi" in front of their stores in Korean Town. Both North and South Korean soccer players vow to join forces to shatter team Melli's dream for World Cup 2014, in Brazil. The protesters were getting louder and louder in Pyongyang and Seoul, they asked American troops stationed in DMZ( De-militarized Zone, 38th Parallel) to remove all the land mines and open the border between the 2 countries, so they can organize a big across-the-border joint protest....Obama Okayed it......both Koreas are unifieded after 50 years of animosity and hostility. Ms. Kimchi has become a national heroine for unified Korea! :O)))

Thank you so much for the funny story!



I thought JJ's sock was the murder weapon?!

by Anonymouse on

Everything is sacred.


محاكمه اصغر قاتل


Asghar Ghaatel’s Trial

Here is a quick synopsis of the rest of the story…

Asghar Ghaatel goes on trail in LA. He hires top criminal attorney Mark Gallegos and the DNA expert Barry Scheck.

Asghar becomes a court room sensation among young Iranian women and the Iranian modeling community in LA who attend his trial everyday and send him love tweets.

His lawyers put forward the following defense; Asghar Ghaatel was set up by JJ and Kimchi. JJ’s computer was never stolen, but rather given to Kimchi to lure Asghar into her apartment. Kimchi was then supposed to strangle him while asleep. The murder weapon was a single sock belonging to JJ.

The defense team accused JJ of taking advantage of Kimchi’s unstable emotional state and her obsession with Iranian men to accomplish the plot.

The DNA expert testifies that the sock found in Kimchi’s apartment belongs to JJ.

In a surprise move, the defense puts Foad, the Iranian.com Admin on the stands. Under intense questioning, Foad admits that the servers were never hacked and only the Raid arrays crashed. He further confesses that the archives of Iranians of the Day by Ghormeh Sabzie and the 1970’s Royal family clips by Dariush Kadivar have been fully recovered.

The Iranian models and the few monarchists in the court room cheer. The judge gets upset and threatens to evict anyone who disrupts the court from the courtroom.

In the final day of the trial, JJ takes the stand and calmly rejects the defense assertion that he was the mastermind behind the plot. He reiterates that his laptop was stolen and, the so called murder weapon, the single sock, belongs to him and was in the stolen backpack while he was on the train from Paris to Marseille.

The defense rejects JJ’s testimony on the basis that if the sock was in the stolen backpack, why there is only one sock, and what happened to the other sock.

A rather embarrassed JJ admits that his other sock had a hole in it and he got rid of it at the airport.

The Iranian of the Day models in the courtroom are shocked and dismayed that one of JJ’s socks had a big hole in it.  There is uproar in the court. The judge orders his deputy to evict the models from the courtroom.

In the final scene, and a move reminiscent of the OJ trial, the defense lawyer asks JJ to put on the sock. He then looks at the Jury and says; “If the sock fits, you acquit!”

A hung jury acquits Asghar Ghaatel.



by yolanda on

Sorry, Asghar Ghaatel, your mission is not accomplished! Your plot has been foiled! JJ outfoxed you! IC is back on running and stronger than ever! You are going to be in jail for murder and you won't get any conjugal visit! Ha Ha!


In Kar Kare Inglisiha boodeh!

by Khar on




by yolanda on

Oh My Gosh, the comments did not get deleted from this thread! :O)


Red Wine


by Red Wine on

فرامرز جان، صحبت من غرض بر پاس نگاه داشتن زبان فارسی‌ بود وگرنه ما از مطلب شما لذت بردیم .

پاینده باشید .




by yolanda on

Hi! Azadeh,

You really cracked me up! Iranian ladies are very smart, too. In Iran 60% of college kids are girls, the 1st Nobel Prize Laureate in Iran is a lady...too bad that you don't accept my "bribe"....LOL! You are smart, you can write, translate protest slogans, draw cartoons, and you have submitted photo essay (taking pictures) more than once...

take care and thank you!


Very funny...

by Princess on

Quick and imaginative. Thanks!

Azadeh Azad

Dear Yolanda

by Azadeh Azad on

Rumour has it that "Persian guys" are so full of "knowledge" that one can equate "guy" with "knowledge" in this particular context. LOL. And no brible request, please! Or, next time, make this kind of requests via email :-))

BTW, I re-sent the Photo Essay to JJ, hoping he will re-publish it. Thanks for your concern.





by yolanda on

Hi Azadeh,

:O)) I hope you can just change one word in your post. Please change the word from "guy" to "knowledge".......I will be glad to send you a X-mas present. LOL! :O))


P.S. Sorry for what happened to your photo essay and research paper.

Take care!


Azadeh Azad

Very funny

by Azadeh Azad on

The non-Iranian girl joining iranian.com, looking for a Persian guy, is too-close-to-reality :-) Dear Yolanda, I'm certainly not thinking of you here. Thanks for the link.




شراب خان


Writing some of these stories in Farsi where the content is mainly in English is rather challenging and you tend to lose a lot in translation. But, I will do my best. This reminds me of how western movies were dubbed in Farsi. The humorous Farsi translation had nothing to do with what the actor was saying.

The last John Wayne movie that I saw in Iran is a good example of that. John Wayne was the sheriff of a lawless town. In one particular scene, John Wayne had a toothache and had to go to the local dentist. As he walked into the dentist office, he said

دكتر دندونى
دندون دندونم كن
با دندون دون دونم كن

Red Wine

دوست عزیز ...

Red Wine

دوست عزیز ...

اگر مطلب را به فارسی‌ مینوشتید، حتما جالبتر به اجرأ میرسید .

موفق باشید.


Very funny! I like the part about JJ dozing off in the train!

by Anonymouse on

Everything is sacred.


It is funny that you named

by yolanda on

It is funny that you named your female protagonist after the trademark national dish of Korea:


Thank you for not picking on races other than Koreans. I appreciate it!! :O))


P.S. If Asghar is put on trial, I can picture the racial tensions between the Iranians and Koreans....there are hot-tempered people from both sides. It is going to be a trial of the century #2 (after the OJ trial).. Thank God it is just a fiction!


:o))) Nice!

by Monda on

Even though I have no idea who these characters are (don't watch CSI), I had a really good laugh! Thanks Faramarz.

Khaleh Mosheh jan: Please be more selective dear, aakheh with a pseudonym like Asghar GHAATEL what were you thinkin sis?!

khaleh mosheh

They say..

by khaleh mosheh on

Truth is stranger than fiction.

Asghar Ghatel- Alas I knew him well- He always was a bit of a turbulent character. I dated him when I first joined the community but found him a very possessive for a girl of my liberal tastes. He was most excellent in bed though. It is a shame he is arrested, I was thinking of giving him a call- you know for old time's sake.

(I guess the story is part fictional as Grissom only ever has Barg for Kabob and never a Koobideh- and as to how I know about Grissom's taste well I dated him too- Used to blog here under a pseudonym- The Professor).


Thank You

by Faramarz on

I just could not pass up on the opportunity to tie up all these different threads!

Darius Kadivar


by Darius Kadivar on

Next Time I better ask Jimmy Doyle to take the same train as JJ's when on vacation  ...


He would have certainly stopped the vandals on that exciting trip ... ;0)

Very Nice blog Faramarz Jaan !


Sir, you are a gifted storyteller

by Cost-of-Progress on

This is a clever way to marry this sever crashing event with fiction.

Damet Garm.


Multiple Personality Disorder

This is hhhilariousss :O) Excellent job!

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

... but you forgot the pubic hair evidence collection scene.


Ali P.


by Ali P. on

And you JUST wrote it??

LOL...Great job!

Javad Yassari

Between the Lines

by Javad Yassari on

Thank you. I laughed my head off!



by benross on

This is a John le Carré work!