The Red Phone That Never Rang!


The Red Phone That Never Rang!
by Faramarz

A Fictional Story about a Hotline between the US and Iran

Trita had been anxious lately. He had been lobbying hard for a hotline between the Pentagon and Sepah for a while but he was not getting anywhere. NIAC Board and the members were all getting nervous about the possibility of an accidental confrontation between the US Navy and Sepah’s boats in the Persian Gulf. The news of a plot to kill the Saudi Ambassador to the US had made the matters worse. He had to do something quickly. Trita called the Pentagon again.

Dolores, the switchboard operator at the Pentagon answered the phone. By now she had got to know Trita well. “Good morning Trita, your lucky day, Admiral Mullen’s secretary called in sick today so I can put you through to him. Hopefully he is not in a meeting. You owe me a lunch!” Trita was delighted.

Admiral Mullen was sitting on his reclining chair throwing darts at the map of the world trying to decide which bases to close when the telephone rang. He had been extremely busy looking at the budget trying to figure out where to cut.

“Good morning Admiral. This is Trita. We really need to talk about that hotline to Sepah. Are you still interested?”

“Of course Trita. Actually, I was at the warehouse the other day trying to figure out what to auction to raise some money when I saw a Soviet-era red phone that would be ideal for the hotline to Rahbar or Sepah. The only problem is that because of the budget cuts, there is nobody here at the Pentagon after 6 pm. But we can put the red phone at the visitors’ lobby. There is a guard there all night that can answer the phone and then call me at home in case of an emergency.”

“That is great news Admiral. Let me talk to my contacts and get back to you.”

Trita was ecstatic. He had been lobbying Mohammad Khazaei, the Regime’s representative to the UN for months. Khazaei even brought the topic up with Ahmadi when he was in New York recently, but no decision was made. Now with the assassination plot all over the news, it was the perfect time to push the Regime to put the hotline in place. Trita quickly placed a call to Khazaei.

Khazaei seemed amicable. He had spoken earlier in the day with Mashaei and they had agreed to having the red phone placed at Mashaei’s house. There was only one problem though. Mashaei was not authorized to speak directly with the Americans so they didn’t know how to make the hotline work. Trita did some quick thinking and offered to put the red phone at his house.

“OK Mammad, here is the solution. We put the hotline between me and Mashaei. If something happens in the Persian Gulf, the night guard calls Mullen who calls me, and I use the red phone to call Mashaei, and he calls Ahmadi who tells Rahbar and Rahbar tells Sepah! I think it is going to work.”

In a matter of hours the phone line was established. Trita put the red phone in his bedroom to make sure that he won’t miss a call during the night. He even asked Dabashi to put a Farsi greeting with pro-Palestinian theme on the answering machine. Everything looked perfect. Trita then wrote a blog and posted it on the Huffington Post and Everyone was delighted and the $100 donation checks started coming in.

Days went by and the red phone never rang. For the first few nights, Trita sat anxiously in bed and stared at the red phone hoping that it will ring, but it never did. All kinds of thoughts went through his mind as he was getting himself ready for the bad news. Then finally one cool autumn morning, as Trita was getting the paper from the front lawn of his Bethesda home, his wife screamed from the kitchen. “Hurry up Trita, the phone is ringing…the phone is ringing!”

Back in Tehran at Mashaei’s house, his 7-year old grandson Mahdi was running around the house trying to find something to play with. All of sudden, he saw a brand new red phone in his grandparents’ bedroom that he had not seen before. He picked up the phone and listened to it as it rang several times.

“Hello, this is Dr. Parsi, NIAC’s President.”

“Hello Amrika. Nice to see you…Nice to see you!”

“Who is this please? Is this Sepah? Do we have a problem in the Persian Gulf?” Trita asked anxiously.

Mahdi’s grandmother yelled at him from the kitchen. “Don’t play with your grandpa’s phone. He is going to get really upset at you.” But the little Mahdi was having the time of his life.

“Hello Amrika, I speak English. Tank you, tank you very much….Tuesday, Monday, Friday, Sunday, Saturday!”

“Please speak clearly. Are you from the Quds Force? I am Trita Parsi, the President of NIAC. Has anyone been killed? Should I call the Pentagon?”

“Goodbye Amrika. Nice to see you..Nice to see you!” The little Mahdi heard his grandma’s steps, put the red phone down and hid behind the big chair. Trita scratched his head and then wrote a memo to NIAC board and members and posted it on


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Bahram G

Your Greatness, Oon Yaroo

by Bahram G on

Six four and 340 pounds! Jesus am I glad I haven't rubbed you the wrong way. Will do my level best to stay in your good graces, not only because you said nice things about me and offered me a job, but also I have a terrible time fighting a guy my own size at four nine and ninety nine pounds with my high heels and all my clothes on, give me credit for chickening out when I see the overwhelming odds.
Please stay as my friends. It saves me a lot of terror just imagining you coming at me. Many thanks in advance.
Now, what is this bit about nominating Faramarz for president of Iran? That's absolutely out of the question. Please, please get back in your chair and hear me out. Don't rush at me. Have a week heart that goes with scrawny body my careless parents have given me. Sitting down, are you? Good.
You see, we already have a replacement for Syyid Ali. No, don't jump to conclusiions. I don't mean his meaner than curse Mujtaba. No, this one is a lady--- name of Maryam. She has already been anointed as the president of Iran. Why are you making troubles my massive friend? Is it okay to call you my friend? I see you nod somewhat tentatively. Thank you, I take what I can.
Now, she is already set for the job. She has had lots of experience with the job. Having her assum the office dispenses with the expenses of going through the nomination headache, filling ballot boxes, beating up naiv young people who think they actually can vote and be counted. See, how much trouble it is? It is really not worth it. Let the lady have it.
As for me serving as the Directir of IIS, I am truly touched. That job offer is enough to buy my loyalty to your plan, only under one condition, that you serve as my chief intrperrogator of the rish o pashm. No, I will not as you to pull their nails, light a match to their MAHAASEN, or water board them. All you have to do is to sit on them one at a time for only a couple of minutes and they confess to any crime that you want them to confess.
By the way, I am petrified that his highness, Faramerz, upon his return from a day of contemplation visits his blog and find that you and I have done the same thing to it that the little Mahdi (or his daddy) had done to the phone's hand-set.
Tremblingly Yours
Bahram g

Oon Yaroo

Dear Baharam G., The Director of IIS*!

by Oon Yaroo on

By observant, I meant that you are a very smart fellow and not in the sense of observing religious events or rituals!

I have nominated Fararamz for President of Iran.

For any position of service to him, his administration, and the nation, I would humbly serve!

Personally and given my massive stature of 6' 4" and 320 lbs, I would prefer to lead his secret service organization!

Given your articulateness, eloquence, and erudite quality I would suggest the position of Secretary of State unless you have special interests in running the Intelligence Services Department and maybe in the process you could get a chance to interrogate a few rish-o-pashm fellows.

* Iranian Intelligence Services (IIS).

Bahram G

Dear Oon Yaroo, the Excellency!

by Bahram G on

Thank you so much. I mean I want to thank Faramarz for getting this ball rolling. No, no, not this thread. What I mean him calling me smart. And coming from a man of aalighadr like him, has prompted others to bestow titles to this paragon of humility. Now, you call me "observant." thanks a bunch, although it is far from reality. See, I don't observe the salaat, nor the some, nor zakat. The list of my non-observants is so long that listing might blow the IC's short fuse.But I like it and am happy to call you Excellency. I hope that others notice this blooming bout of buttering and participate in it. It sure beats acrimony and name calling. I have a very week stomach for combats of all sorts. What little venom I can muster I want to use it for the creatures that deserve it --- the rish-o-pashm.By the way, I hope I'm not incurring your wrath by asking, are you serving as a secretary to his eminence, Faramarz, on Sundays? I do understand if you are, since he must be busy on this holy day putting prayers at a monastery or such.I wish to conclude by expressing my deep appreciation for clarifying the issues involves with children and the browning operation in diaper short Iran.My unsolicited advice: keep working for Faramarz and if you don't feel I am horning in or not qualified enough get me a part time position with him. I work for praise, not pay.Yours trulyPraise hungry, ----- Bahram g

Dr. Mohandes


by Dr. Mohandes on

Yeah well congratulations on being one of the kind and not one of the dozen around here and for being an agent of WIsdom and sanity and responsibility and ingenuity and Thanks for having an "instructional" presence oh sorry,... should I have said Instructive instead? Hope Your majesty does not mind my Bad eengeeeleesh.

Now allow me to pretent to be you, in one of those instances where someone tries to get the same message of "don't bother to write to me" anymore and the way you react... More like getting all bent outta shape: Okay so here we go:

It is my right to say whatever i wanna say here on the IC. This is a public forum and you or no one else could ever tell me what to do or say or drink or hear or sing or .... I live in America and i have earned that right. I dont live in iran and I have the freedom to say what i wish to say....

AT least i have got a dozen other people whom i can relate to and compare myself to and make the necessary corrections in what i assert.

You on the other hand are pretty much a loner around the block. SOmething to think about.

Oon Yaroo

Dear Bahram G. Thanks! You are an observant person!

by Oon Yaroo on

Dear Bahram G. Thanks! You are an observant person!

This is purely speculative on my part!

Kids of Mehdi's age sometimes can't control themselves. It's not uncommon for some kids up to ages 10 or 12 wearing diapers! Due to lack of diapers in Iran, many kids relieve themselves in their pants. Hence, the possibility of the phone hand-set getting brown stains! Of course, the stain might have come from Mehdi's father Mr. Mashaei himself as I explained earlier!

Hope this sheds more light on the mysterious brown stain on the phone!


Bahram G

Faramarz Aalighadr

by Bahram G on

See, you call me smart, I reciprocate and call you "Aalighadr." so, keep it coming:)). Now, please relieve me of my perpelexity. At least of one of them. You talk about the little kid Mahdi. He is a genius. I mean he goes Sunday, Monday and stuff in English. Is this the same kid who went into a well over a thousand years ago? Hasn't aged one bit. Smart as a whip, as can be expected. I thought he could speak only Arabic. Got it, he spent his time studying English? Did Ahmadi pull him out of the well from Jamkaran, or did he climb out under his own power? He couldn't ask for a better new quarters, choosing Ahmadi's relatives' home.Now, there is a smart kid for you. Is he going to set this sorry decaying world aright? Or is he going to play with that darned originally red, but partly brown now phone and let the whole world go brown?See, what you started Faramarz aalighadr! in case you haven't noticed I keep buttering you up for two goog, for me, reasons. First, I hope you keep telling me how smart I am. Second, you remove my perplexity about the Mahdi kid. Please, whatever the facts maybe, don't tell me that the poor kid having taken a good look at this sorry world had dashed back into the well at a different location this time.Appreciate your responseSmart (as in Maxwell Smart)


Thank You Dear Friends

by Faramarz on

Thank you all for reading and commenting and the links. I had lots of fun writing this story yesterday and more fun reading your comments.

Anonymous Observer

Very funny. Thank you for the excellent piece of satire!

by Anonymous Observer on



Great satire Dear Faramarz :)

by Roozbeh_Gilani on

 Cant stop laughing. cheers buddy for  cheering up my sunday morning.

"Personal business must yield to collective interest."


As far as I'm concerned

by Reality-Bites on

Everyone in public life, especially those who represent, or claim to represent, a constituency/group/party/lobby of whatever kind, are fair game for satire.

The day we are banned from or scolded for mocking public figures and the day we lose the capacity to laugh at ourselves would be a very sad day indeed.

Veiled Prophet of Khorasan


by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on


Don't bother writing me anymore. You are one of the dozens here. All saying the exact same thing. Might as well repeat one post over. I am out of this thread. Now you all get to agree 100% unity.

Dr. Mohandes

MAshti VPK

by Dr. Mohandes on

Or should i refer to you as Karbalai VPK?

Look i feel your pain but at the same time i feel sorry that You have taken up the cause of disdain for constant attacks on iran and iranians and incorporated that into your daily life. seems like you sleep and breath and may be even drink or eat (perhaps even snack on that thing)??!! come on what gives. SO what is it now. One can not even joke about this thing because someone may get hurt?

I am so glad that they are , whomever they are, DOING something. SUre. They are. I just hope there aint no personal gain or anything like that be a part of they plan,. You know.  It has been done before.

I will run for congress if you do all the talkings to get me back in the states. shall we talk? I will open up a buisness if you and i can partner up and /or find a decent VC to fund my ideas. Again. should i get my HAiry monshi on the phone with your sexy-leg Monshi?

Be your Guest? Hmm. I don't know. Based on your writing here, I just don't see,... Have a hard time imagining you as a generous host. Kinda like the "lenge kafsh" host that will sacrifice anything and everything to dictate his wishes up on the poor guest. Or is it the Kamar band... I don't know.

You are damn straight the i and others will continue to laugh and bemuse ourselves, and It is dissapointing to know that there are always good-intentioned, people such as yourself who take things too personal and the wrong way and in a way wind up shooting themselves on their collective feet or foots??:))

Please. In your spare time Look up the meaning, THE REAL meaning of self-bashing and thrashing and all the other good stuff that you constantly throw everyone's way. I know you'd be lying if you told me you did not have any free time these days.

oh and i do sine zani every night. WOuld you like her number,? maybe you wanna beat her sine too? That ought to make you chill and lay back and enjoy for a while???!!!


Veiled Prophet of Khorasan


by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on


What is the matter my friend? You are not out of line go for it. Among some we are required to attack all Iranian American organizations except MEK. What is your position on PAAIA?

As for LOL go on keep it up. While you laugh others are doing something. Running for office as did 


Run for congress as did Darius Shahinfar; for Senate as does Alan Khazei. Others pioneer sciences like Cumrun Vafa and Shahriar Afshar and many others. Open businesses as did Pierre Omidyar.

What do the people on IC do: write cynical "satire" tofe sar bala. Go ahead and make fun of yourself. The world will move on and the only ones left behind are you. Iranians by and large are moving on. Iran will be free one day no thanks to the IC cynical group.

Please be my guest. Keep laughing and remember your are laughing at yourselves. It does not hurt me or any of the others. Right on to self hate and self bashing. Don't forget Ashura and sineh zani :-)

Dr. Mohandes


by Dr. Mohandes on

oh god.

VPK jan.

Please forgive me for being way outta line here but i could not glance over your little analysis on whether you would have spilled coffee or not. . LOL.

Dr. Mohandes


by Dr. Mohandes on

Thank uyou and it is good to be back. I guess Faramarz is gonna throw me a party or something? faramarz? aloo? yellow?:)

What else did you think i had done or was about to do??:)))


Veiled Prophet of Khorasan

My 2 cents

by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on


I despise CASMII, Ardeshir Omani and lady Soraya Sepahpour. If you read my posts on them you would know that. The first one is a front for Islamic ***. The other two are hypocrites who are sorry excuses for Iranians. If USA has any sense they would be on the next plane to IRI.

But I did not spill my coffee. Mostly because I wasn't having one. But I wouldn't have if I had one. Sorry to burst the bubble it was not that funny. Folks one day you say NIAC is nothing; next day NIAC is running the show. Make up your minds! Is NIAC all powerful or nothing?

I don't really care but what gave it away was the attack on PAAIA on the other blog. Once I saw that it was crystal clear. You just don't like Iranians to have any say. PAAIA is a right of center organization NIAC is left. People who bash both give it away.


I just spilled my coffee!

by Reality-Bites on

Because I was laughing so hard! And that was my best instant coffee dammit! I hope you're happy with yourself, Faramarz khan!

Seriously F, your comment are always a pleasure, not to say often very funny, to read. 

And the little touches like this:  "....He even asked Dabashi to put a Farsi greeting with pro-Palestinian theme on the answering machine...." put the icing on the cake. :)

G. Rahmanian


by G. Rahmanian on

You were missed. Welcome back. I thought you had moved back to Iran.

G. Rahmanian

I loved it, Faramarz!

by G. Rahmanian on

It was hilarious. The funny thing is these guys think they are the ones stopping US from starting a war with the Islamic Republic. There are others too who are as delusional as NIACies! CASMII, Ardeshir Omani and lady Soraya Sepahpour are names that come to mind.

Dr. Mohandes

God dammmit Boy!!

by Dr. Mohandes on

LOL. Dude. you have brought f... tears to my eyes. This thing cracked me up and i am still laughing. This thing was awsome.

You know... Perhaps i can be of some ass--is--tance here and just mozy on over to the house of you know who and Facilitate matters?:)))

The part about the little boy was hilarious. And that serious tone on Dokey parsi:)))

Good work Soldier.

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Very funny - reminded me of this Dr. StrangeLove phone scene

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

Dr. StrangeLove phone scene, during a nuclear stand off:



Oon Yaroo

Faramarz Jaan, likewise! Oon Yaroo Can Jaroo & Paroo them Haloo*

by Oon Yaroo on

into the abyss of dumpland!

Here is a fine and memorable tune for Faramarz and other friends on IC!




* IRR and NIACie Supporters

Darius Kadivar


by Darius Kadivar on

Good One Faramarz Jan 


Answering the Phone Messages!

by Faramarz on

Oon Yaroo Jaan,

Thank you and did you know that in Latin America they would call you Oon Jaroo? It is because they have a difficult time with J and Y, but hopefully Yolanda will chime in set us straight.

But you are a cool guy and I appreciate your comments. How about if I’ll call you Oon Paroo!

Thank You Divaneh Aziz. I am trying to help ease the tensions between the Regime and the West.

Bahram Khan,

I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you are one heck of a smart guy and you have a good command of the English language. You should put it to good use. I appreciate your comments.

Anahid Aziz,

As always I value your input and kind words.

Dear Fanoos,

You are a nice addition to this site. Please keep your solar powered Fanoos burn day and night!

MM Jaan,

Thanks for your positive feedback. I am still not sure if my NIACie friends would allow humor against Trita or not. But I will continue to do what I do and say what I say and will wait and see if they will join in the fun or abandon me because of their strong feelings towards NIAC.


looks all wrong

by MM on

When are you and Wilma going to join the 21st century?  Your phone scheme dates way-way-back.  The new way is via cell-phone and iphone already has an application for it, called "Tritaless Headzapp"!  Please admit that you are way behind times.  "yes" or "no"?

OK, considering the whole blog, not bad at all, Faramarz.


Faramarz Jan wery wery funny....! The 7-year old got his days

by fanoos on

of the week out of order...

What's the deal with the phone color?

Anahid Hojjati

Thanks Faramarz for a funny blog

by Anahid Hojjati on

Good one. Thanks for sharing.

Bahram G


by Bahram G on

What's this fellow's name? It sounds like Salman Farsi. I thought Salman was long dead. Reportedly that long ago Salman was a Persian Zoroastrian. So there is some truth to reincarnation? Am I really all mixed up or is it you Faramarz aziz who is all confused? Please refrain from throwing curve balls. The seven years old Mahdi kid, by the way, is he the long-prayed for Mahdi? If so, what is he doing playing with a red phone while the world is going brown? I felt free to plagiarize from another poster here who indicated that the red phone had turned brown. How could that be? Would you dear friends stop confusing me, please.
Humbly yours,
Confused Bahram g


Excellent humour

by divaneh on

Thanks for this hilarious story Faramarz. At least we now know that the phone works.

Oon Yaroo

Very funny Faramarz & thanks! The phone in Iran has changed

by Oon Yaroo on

colors from red to brown!

Being scared to death from potential consequences and ramifications of the failed assassination attempt, the IRR counterpart has pooped all over himself and gotten the hand-set you know all ***ty...!