Retirement Home!

Share/Save/Bookmark Retirement Home!
by Faramarz

A Fictional Story about a Retirement Home for Readers in the Year 2045!

JJ had been thinking about his latest project for quite a while! After dedicating many years of his life to promoting peace and harmony among Iranians all over the world, he stumbled upon his latest project; a retirement home and senior citizen center for all readers!

Many readers were in their golden years and most did not want to burden their kids or spouses at their old age, so they embraced JJ’s offer and they all moved to a multi-story building in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. The parcel of land that housed the building was situated between a Wahabi mosque and Islamic cultural center, and an orthodox Jewish synagogue and, across the street from a liquor store and a strip joint.

JJ took over the top floor and in order to maintain peace and quiet he assigned each floor to the people of the same ideals!

The monarchists were housed on the floor below him. Darius Kadivar became the floor warden and decorated the place with the Royal Family pictures. A replica of Cyrus cylinder and the final will of Dariush, the Great were placed in a glass cabinet for everyone to see. As you walked out of the elevator, there was a large picture of the Royal family hosting Onasis and Jackie Kennedy with Jamileh belly dancing in the background.

The next floor down belonged to the poets. The place looked very serene. Anahid and Souri had done a great job decorating the floor with pictures of famous Iranian poets and poetry books were on all coffee tables. On Tuesday nights, they held an open house on their floor and invited everyone to come and read their poems. Once in a while, they would roll their eyes as more novice participants from lower floors read their poems!

The next floor down was for the pro-regime crowd. There were pictures of Khomeini, Khamenei, Ahmadinejad and Basijis decorating the walls. There was a sign on the wall pointing to the direction of Mecca and reminders about praying times. All signs were in English though!

Reformists lived on the next floor down. There wasn’t much in the way of furniture there, just a large table where they sat and had constant discussions and arguments about the imminent Israeli air attack on the nuclear facilities. They were all very excited about the news that Putin’s grandson who is now the President of the Russian Federation had promised that Bushehr nuclear plant will finally be operational in the next 3 months!

The rest of the readers shared the lower floors.

As a prerequisite to live in the senior citizen home, JJ had required that everyone should participate in the daily chores.

Fair is running the security operations for the complex. Sargord applied for a job with him, but could not shoot straight so he had to settle for the valet parking attendant job. Sargord who had completely given up on learning Farsi, had gone to Damascus for a couple of years and had learned Arabic. He now worked part-time in the day care center of the Wahabi mosque reading children’s book. The kids really like the Sparrow story.


ان دیک و من الهندی
جمیل الشکل و القدی
ولی تاج و الا رسی
لان حسن الصوتی  

The large kitchen on the first floor immediately became a point of contention. Almost everyone had their own ideas about the menu. JJ finally intervened and created a few cooking stations. Monda and Organic Nutritionist are in charge of the healthy foods and fusions.  Dirty Angel worked there for a short while, but she was let go! The problem was that she once substituted tofu for Mahicheh in her Bagali Polo which created a riot among the men in the dinning room. She now works part-time at the beauty shop and is thrilled that most Iranian men have lost their hair and don’t need haircuts anymore.

Fatollah is in charge of Kabob Koobideh. He is the only one who knows how to make the meat stick to skewers. Mazloom runs the grill and Manghal. He is the only person that can be trusted with Kabobs, bread and Reyhoon. MM was in charge of Manghal before, but he was passing too many Kabob sandwiches around to the hungry men and hardly any of the Kabobs made it to the tables! Anonymouse is running the Sangak oven which is the most popular place in the kitchen. Cost-of-Progress is the Tahdig expert and once in a while he would quietly slip a piece to you, if he liked you! Temporary Bride runs the Persian pastry station. Her Baghlava and Yazdi sweets are a crowd pleaser on Thursday nights during the Bingo game.

Hamsade Ghadimi is in charge of the Bingo game. He is the one who caught the pro-regime bingo players with fake bingo cards that were made in China, after they claimed that they had won the top prize of 3 Parnian blankets.

Mehman is the bartender at the clubhouse and is very generous with the shots of tequila. The management suspects that he might be taking a few shots himself, but he swears that a couple of pro-regime ladies sneak into the bar area late at nights and party. Fair is going to put a security camera near the tequila bottles and try to catch them in action!

Red Wine is the most popular guy with the women. On Friday nights, he teaches the ladies how to dance Tango Argentina. There is a long line of women who want to dance with him. They are all dressed in black sexy dresses and high heel shoes and let him take the lead.

Yolanda and Monda run the water aerobics and yoga classes for the ladies, but they haven’t been able to get any of the men to participate. The men just want to sit around and look. Masoud and Roozbeh usually sit by the pool and play backgammon. A few days ago, they poured some bleach into Sargord’s washing machine in the Laundromat and totally ruined his prized Ahmadinejad T-shirt. Mahmoud never looked so white and clean!

Divaneh and Shazde are the co-captains of men’s shallow-pool water polo team. Every Wednesday morning there is a competitive match between the men’s team and the women’s team co-captained by Niki and Mehrban. Ali P. is the referee and last week he ejected both Divaneh and Shazde from the pool after they spent too much time under water checking out the ladies’ legs! Maziar and Majid are the captains now, but it looks like that they may get ejected too!

Cousin Mehrdad Bavafa is good with the mechanical stuff and is responsible for fixing the wheelchairs. He once messed up the brakes on the wheelchairs of a couple of pro-regime guys and they ended up at the clinic. Doctor X whose license was suspended for aggressive mammogram exams runs the clinic and the spa. There are some rumors about him and one of the nurses!

Nobody quite knows what Faramarz does! A couple of weeks ago, he was accused by the chubby maids for inappropriate behavior and pinching, which he vehemently denies. He is now barred from the premise on Friday mornings while the maids are working. Instead, he spends his time at Costco, comparison shopping.

قو قولی قو قو

خروس بی محل همسایه منو از خواب بیدار کرد

I was awakened by the neighbor’s rooster! Was it all a dream?

It is still 2010!

I am not quite ready for the year 2045!


Recently by FaramarzCommentsDate
The Women of Camp Ashraf
Dec 01, 2012
Negotiating with the IR Regime
Nov 22, 2012
Ahmadi Goes to Majlis - Gangnam Style!
Nov 19, 2012
more from Faramarz

I don't intend to work in 2045 much less in a commune!

by Anonymouse on

We're only good behind keyboards and if we live with each other there will be trouble!  For one thing JJJ can't be deleting us with a click!  He'll have to get up his couch and physically separate us and I just don't see him going through all that effort! 

Everything is sacred


حتما ترگل ورگل خان!



ما تو خونه سالمندان  به یک دی ج هم احتیاج داریم که آهنگ های قشنگ رشد بهبودف و فیلم سنگام رو  بزاره!

اینهم آهنگ های  مورد علاقه من:




Hoshang Targol

Agha Faramarz, since you're musical prowess is better than mine,

by Hoshang Targol on

could we also listen to  ( could you post some) Rashid Behbodov in IC's R.H.?

Espcially: Labo, Labo, Labo, Labo, Labo

              Lab shirin labo, lab

              Lab shekar  labo, lab.... 


سیما، پس از بیخ عربیم!


I think that Monda is confusing Naneh with Boozari! They are both rolling in their graves! God bless them!

Maybe JJ should open the retirement home a lot sooner!


Monda's classmate reporting...

by sima on

Yes, of course we had ana diko menal Hinde... But the Araby of all of you guys sucks. Haj Boozari is turning in his grave. Khanom Saremi is a bit more roo sefid because I can recite the poem correctly but I don't have the hoseleh right now!

Very funny Faramarz khan. And the video is great: cheesy and melodramatic and sublime. I think I'll come and visit you all in your retirement home.


Dear Framarz

by All-Iranians on

You forgot to house some scholars and specialits of IC like Ari, Dr Saadat Noury, Azarin Sadegh, Multiple Personality Disorder and many others in one of the top floors of that retirement home! 

mash Ghanbar

Ay caramba!!

by mash Ghanbar on

Gracias El MM Jaan.


Faramarz / mash Ghanbar - jujalarim words in Azeri and English

by MM on


The song in the video was performed by Sugra, a 12 year old chosen out of 150 kids,  "other little chicks" at the "Decade of Azerbaijani Art" in Moscow, May 1959.

Jujalarim - Words in Azeri
Jujalarim - English Translation
Jujalarim - Music Notes
Jujalarim - Listen (downloadable better version in mp3)

Anahid Hojjati

Monda, you wrote:"since I was 4 in Abadan", who else is Abadani?

by Anahid Hojjati on

Monda jan, you too. You lived in Abadan too? How did I miss this information? Any commentator who lived in Abadan more than three months, please fess up now.


جیک جیک جوجه لاری


Mash Ghanbar,

Do you want me to look for the outfits for this performance too?

Wet can have a talent show at the retirement place!



mash Ghanbar

Jujeh laarri?

by mash Ghanbar on

Anyone remembers the words to that everlasting, always in our minds song?
I heard that  it made it to the top 40 chart in iran back then!!

Jujeh lari....



by Monda on

I had arabi wround the time you had it with aghaye Boozari? but we weren't given this poem. Need to double check with my class mates at the time.



by Mehrban on

Above photo is not of the IC women's Waterpolo team but of the recruits from "Seda va Sima".  

For the timeless spirit of our team please see below,





by Faramarz on

The poem was part of the school curriculum (Arabi Class) of the 7th or 8th grade before the revolution. The reason I remember it so well is because it had a good rhtme. We used to sing and dance with it!

I really liked the picture. It captures Niki's women water polo team warming up before a match against the men's team. But somebody forgot to bring the ball! The old age, you know!




I hadn't heard the sparrow poem since I was 4 in Abadan. My naneh used to sing it for me. Where do you find these things Faramarz? And the blog photo is priceless too garcheh hamam zanaaneh as. 

ان دیک و من الهندی 
جمیل الشکل و القدی
ولی تاج و الا رسی 
لان حسن الصوتی

Dirty Angel

"Ich bin von Fuss

by Dirty Angel on

bis Kopf

auf Liebe eingestellt...."


('Love the house , in the middle of nowhere, so unattached....)


"Ceci n'est pas a very dirty post"



by Monda on

You had so much Fun wrıtıng thıs Faramarz - dıdn't you? 

Hey you should consıder addıng poetry nıghts at thıs place and of course dance. Tango would be Ok on the joınts but i thınk salsa mıght be even better.

mash Ghanbar


by mash Ghanbar on

Mashalah be to hamvatan

Never coming up short supporting your Hamvatans, even if it has to be in a middle of a soccer match, Always there to lend a long supporting hand to a young lad.

Marhaba. Ahlan va sahlan...


Big Screw up by Behrang Safari

by Faramarz on

مش قنبر,

عجب خرابکاری کرد!

خب آدم اگه همش تو فکر دختر های بلوند سوئدی باشه این میشه نتیجه اش!
جون تو یا خودم یا خودت باید لخت بشیم بریم تو زمین که آبروی همه رو حفظ کنیم!  




mash Ghanbar


by mash Ghanbar on

Merci dadash:))

Ashna mashna dari kare maro zood tar rah bendaze?:)

Unrelated but interesting:

Did you guys know there is an iranian player in the swedish national soccer team. playing as a central defender, named behrang safari... ? I was watching Holland vs Sweden game and just noticed it. Unfortunately he made a Giant boo boo throwing the ball inbound which lead to a perfect run by the dutch and their second goal...

Dorood bar to behrang...


99 Yaki Luftballons for You

by Faramarz on

Dirty Angelica,

Hast du etwas Zeit für mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Denkst du vielleicht g'rad an mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich
Von 99 Luftballons
Und dass so was von so was kommt


مش قنبر خان آبدار باشی




حکم ترفیع مقام شما را همین امروز به اداره کارگزینی فرستادم و در عرض چند روز آینده یک دست روپوش، دو تا لنگ تمیز،یک سینی برنجی و چند دست استکان و نعلبکی خدمت تون فرستاده خواهد شد!

حالا اگر دست تون تمیزه، بیزحمت یک چای قند پهلو بی کف به ما برسون!

Dirty Angel

Pfffteh Yaak, Faramarz !!!

by Dirty Angel on

Don't you know that the local heissgeliebter Führer was pumping the water system with Prozac and Fluoride for us all to "donate" our "wills"!


And PFFFT! I was "let go"? For your information ON had stuffed me with supplements and consequently , I had a miscarriage (Dirty Angel's are like that, quite fragile at a certain age), but all is well, cause I've been frolicking with the socialist free love section and your Wasabi helps hatching my eggs!


"Ceci n'est pas a very dirty post"

mash Ghanbar

Beautifully Done.

by mash Ghanbar on

Mygod. that was superb. Your stories are fantastic and you have a got a real talent.

if you care to dream one more time, please put me down as your chayi master and CGO (chief ghaveh khoone Operator), Licensed and Accredited by The NIACGCB( the national Amerrican iranian council of Ghaveh khooneh and coffee breweries) ... COffees are US

and certified by The WWCOA (the world wide coalition of abdar chis)(where we say... You say chay... we say How hot?)

Just got them renewed and received my copies in the mail yesterday:))




See You by the Pool in 2045!

by Faramarz on

Thank you dear friends for reading and your funny comments!

Now, I have something great to look forward to! 


maziar 58


by maziar 58 on

Faramarz khan thanks for the funny blog and BTW in 2045 I want to be the Bouncer of that swimming pool in the a.m & the Martini bartender in the p.m shift with Majid.  Maziar


Hilarious ;o)

by Rea on

Would definitely make it to the 50 Greatest Comedy Movies.

Niki Tehranchi

Funny blog but...

by Niki Tehranchi on

...the picture is priceless! Very honored that you chose a photograph of my waterpolo team to accompany your brochure on the wonders of Shady Acres retirement haven :-)

hamsade ghadimi

ایول فرامرز

hamsade ghadimi

ایول فرامرز خان.  طنز بسیار جالبی‌ بود و کلی‌ خندیدم. مچ این حزب‌الله‌یها را خلاصه باید گرفت چه عربده میکشن بینگو و یا مرگ بر این و اون.  ولی‌ اگر عکس این مقاله قرار استخر خانهٔ باشه مارو بی‌خیال.

Mardom Mazloom

Faramarz jan,

by Mardom Mazloom on

That was really creative and funny.

Vali hala bi-shookhi how did you know that I'm the Kabob Guy? In real life, I'm weekly charged to prepare a chelo kabab, with doogh gaz dar and some times with only the Shiraz wine and mast moosir vo piaz!

From manghal, baad bezan made in Iran and different kinds of skewers, I have all the related tools to prepare the delice...

You and all the IC kabob-lovers are my guests!