The Dirty Dozen in Search of Ahmadinejad


The Dirty Dozen in Search of Ahmadinejad
by Faramarz

A Fictional Tale of a Daring Operation to Find Ahmadinejad and the Missing Cyrus Cylinder!

!دوازده مرد خبیث در جستجوی احمدی نژاد

In a coastal Mexican town and away from the early afternoon sun, JJ was taking a siesta under his big sombrero when his cell phone rang. It was General Petraeus.

“It is Dave, JJ! I need your help.”

Ever since US Army started to run ads on and had a successful recruiting campaign of Farsi speaking people, General Petraeus had called on JJ and asked for help.

“You are not going to believe this! Last night, Ahmadinejad who was under the house arrest since his run-in with Khamenei over the Information Minister escaped his captors and fled Iran. He put on a chador and pretended that he was an eligible woman looking for a husband! But since he is not that good looking, his Basiji captors turned their faces and he quickly got out of the house. He was then assisted by Sargord Pirooz and Soosan Khanoom who were in disguise and pretending to be the flight crew of a chartered Lear Jet returning two rare monkeys to London Zoo who were on loan to Tehran Zoo. They opened one of the cages and let one of the monkeys out and put Ahmadinejad in there. Then under the watchful eyes of the police at Mehrabad who were searching for him, boarded the plane and took off. Once the plane left Iranian air space, Sargord and Soosan Khanoom pulled out an Uzi from under one of the seats and ordered the pilot to head for the US-Canadian border.”

“That is fascinating! Where are they now?” JJ asked as he squeezed some lime into the bottle of Corona.

“To evade the radars, they flew at low altitude over the Canadian border and headed towards the wooded areas of Washington State. But Shazde who was drinking his morning coffee in his backyard and was admiring his dandelions saw the low-flying jet with Iran Air logo and called the Canadian Cavalry Brigade who in turn alerted NORAD. We dispatched two F-16’s and caught up with them over Washington State and ordered the pilot to land in a nearby municipal airport. But in a daring move, Ahmadinejad parachuted out of the plane with the smuggled Darius Cylinder and disappeared in the highly dense wooded area. The plane landed peacefully, but there is no sign of Ahmadinejad.”

“I knew that ever since a child, Ahmadi was fascinated by B.D. Cooper and his daring disappearance by parachuting out of a plane with a sack of money after a bank robbery. Then when he got older and became more religious, he had the same fascination with the 12th Imam who disappeared into a well. This is so much like him. Now what can I do to help Dave?”

“I sent the Rangers and the tracking dogs after him. But because of his smell the dogs turned away and ran in the opposite direction! I thought that since you Iranians are more familiar and also tolerant of his smell, maybe you can dispatch a team of your bloggers to the area and track him. I don’t want this guy’s disappearance become as legendary as B.D. Cooper’s or the 12th Imam’s!”

JJ thought long and hard about the problem and then in a “Mission Impossible” like manner, he opened his files of all the bloggers and carefully looked at each of the profiles and nicknames trying to find the best ones for this daring assignment.

He finally settled on his “Dirty Dozen” and dispatched them to the wooded area of Washington State. There were Faramarz (the Nose, who got his nose in the middle of everything!) Esfand (the Blade, who was good with the knife), Mash Ghasem (the Brain), AO (the Veggie, for his survival skills in the woods), DK (the King, for his knowledge of the Cylinder), Anahid (the Nightingale, for her nursing skills), Ari (the Compass, who is good with maps and GPS), Divaneh (no nicknames and for no particular reason!), Monda (the Legs, for her mountain climbing skills), Hamsade (the Cliff Hanger), Red Wine (the Frenchie, for his war correspondent experience), MM (the Kabobi, who could BBQ anything) and Bavafa (the Pilot). Shirin couldn’t go because her piano was too heavy!

The Dirty Dozen parachuted down to the remote and bushy areas of Washington State. They searched for Ahmadi during the day and sat around the camp fire at nights. Red Wine played guitar and sang in Spanish. MM made Kabob from rabbits and birds. AO made salads from the roots and moss! Ari had puzzles and clever anecdotes. Anahid read poems. Bavafa missed his wife. Divaneh told jokes. DK yearned for monarchy. Mash Ghasem talked about Shamlou. Then all of a sudden Faramarz said, “I can smell it! That combination of rose water and sweat of a man who has not showered for days! I remember it from when I was young and went to Mashad and visited Imam Reza’s shrine. I did not want to leave my brand new sandals next to all those dirty shoes! He is somewhere around here!” Then Ari said, “The wind is blowing from the northeast. Just follow me!”

It did not take the Dirty Dozen long to come upon Ahmadi! He was sitting comfortably in the arms of the Abominable Snowman! Ahmadi looked tired and spent as if the Abominable Snowman had taken some liberties with him! The Snowman roared in anger and showed his displeasure as the Dirty Dozen approached him. He threw rocks and pieces of wood at them. Everyone froze when he picked up the Cyrus Cylinder. Even Ahmadi begged him not to throw it. But he did. Then DK in an incredible show of courage grabbed the Cylinder in mid air, tucked it in his shirt and rolled on his back. The Cylinder was safe!

The Dirty Dozen decided that they have accomplished their mission and Ahmadi was exactly where he needed to be; in the loving arms of The Abominable Snowman!

A note from London Zoo: “If you find a monkey running around the streets of Tehran, please kindly return it to the British Embassy. Her mate is lonely and misses her a lot.”


Recently by FaramarzCommentsDate
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more from Faramarz

I Hear You Divaneh Jaan!

by Faramarz on

The house seems so empty without the chadori twins, Soghra and Kobra!


Faramarz Jaan

by divaneh on

As you have asked, I have to explain that Gheibat Soghra is when Soghra doesn't turn up. Gheibat Kobra on the other hand is when Kobra is absent.

As with AN, he may soon go on the gheibat kobra which means he will be returning with Imam Zaman in the sixth millennium.

Anahid Hojjati

Soosan Khanoom, you are no

by Anahid Hojjati on

moron. Evidence is the thoughful blog about women and poetry that you wrote yesterday.


Not at all, Soosan Khanoom

by Faramarz on

I never meant to say anything like that and I am sorry if it came out like that.

Soosan Khanoom


by Soosan Khanoom on

then placing me with him makes me moron too .... isn't it?  

WOW ...... I have certainly touched some nerves in you ....... I thought you have none !




Love is in the Air!

by Faramarz on

Thanks friends for reading and colorful comments. It must be the Royal wedding!

I tried to go to the Buckingham Palace and meet the woman who was holding Cate’s tail, but the air traffic controller fell asleep and I missed my flight!

Divaneh Aziz,

I had a hunch that you might write something about Ahmadi’s disappearance (Gheibat Soghra & Kobra!) Please do if you are not watching the Royal wedding.

Merci Arti-Inteli!


Ahmadi is with Santa!


It was featured, but I made a change and it got dropped. Not a problem!

Mash Ghasem,

Sargord be-Sar-o-Tah! A good one!

Esfand Jaan,

Life is bitch or a beach, depending on how you look at it, and then we die!

Soosan Khanoom,

Sargord was an oxymoron! Less of an ox, more of a moron!

Please put the cat down and let her exercise or let a dog chase her up a tree!


The problem is the Tito-era telecom infrastructure in Croatia!

Move North!


What a colourful and resourceful bunch!

by Rea on

Cylinder saved, mission accomplished, great story. ;o)

Btw, does the running of the US Army ads have something to do with the painfully slow downloading of IC pages? Or,  is it IRI's fault ?

Anahid Hojjati

Esfand jan, Don't underestimate this operation.

by Anahid Hojjati on

This is a very important operation.

Esfand Aashena

And the operation keeps JJJ in vacation mode 4 another 4 years!

by Esfand Aashena on

Everything is sacred

Soosan Khanoom

Faramarz you and your dirty

by Soosan Khanoom on

Faramarz you and your dirty gang keep ghorbooneh khodetoon bereeen ..  

 now I just have to figure out who this sargord is?   Him and neelofar are  mystery to me .....

who were them ?  Were their views like mine? 

Ok now even sherlock Holmes can not solve the mystory of who is who for me ..... 

I do not give a damn anymore !







Anahid Hojjati

Faramarz, why is this blog not featured any more?

by Anahid Hojjati on

This is a funny blog and different. I know you got two other blogs that are featured but you should ask that this one be featured. The other one about Persian wife is funny too but the subject covered in this one relates to news of the say (AN missing), covers an event in US (B.D. Cooper) and talks about IC bloggers. So ask JJ to drop the wife one from being featured and instead feature this one. Earlier in the day. this one was featured.

Mash Ghasem


by Mash Ghasem on

My head is getting so big I can't even get in the room! Sartah & SK, nice touch. How about some animation called Eshgh Kharaki?

Anahid Hojjati

Very funny Faramarz, Especially the idea of Dirty Dozen

by Anahid Hojjati on

Thanks Faramarz. this was very funny. I have known about B.D.Cooper from first months I was in the US since this incident happened in Southwest Washington state that is close to Portland (Oregon).  I went to University in Portland and even though it was years after the incident, but talk of B.D.Cooper was big there, at least my ex used to be fascinated with the story and talked about it.  I liked how you had different bloggers as part of the Dirty Dozen team.  Thanks for sharing.

Ari Siletz

Reporting in

by Ari Siletz on

 Current Ahmadinejad location:

69°07′N 105°02′W

Artificial Intelligence

Very Funny & Creative!

by Artificial Intelligence on



I am dirty

by divaneh on

Thanks for making me one of the dirty gang. I had a very good laugh reading your funny story and admired your creativity. I am not sure if you meant to write Darius Cylinder, but I hope that DK's cylinder has not been hurt.

Another note from London Zoo: We cannot accept any more monkey, the whole embassy is now full.


شراب جان



شراب جان،

خیلی ممنون که نوشته این حقیر را خواندید. من سعی کردم که این مساله گم شدن احمدی نژاد را مطرح کنم و در کنار دوستان با هم بخندینم!

امیدوارم که شماهنوز تو فکر باخت رئال مادرید و واکنش مورینیو نباشین!

اینشالله سال دیگر با یک مربی دیگر و بازیکنان بهتر!  

Red Wine


by Red Wine on

جالب نبشتید ... طنز شما خاص است،لفافه خود را دارد و با آنکه طبع جدیدی دارد (از شما پنهان نمی‌کنیم،از طنز مدرن خوشمان نمیاید،نه مزه دارد و نه آب و رنگ،ما زاده گل و بلبلیم و ادبیات را با شاخه و برگ میخواهیم.)..اما میشود آنرا به سادگی‌ فهمید و از آن لذت برد.

خدایا،خداوندا.. تو را قسم به امشب که شب پنج شنبه شب است.. سلامتی ده به حضرت افخم الایرانیان دات کم.. جناب فرامرز خان .

ارادتمندیم .