A Cyber Attack on Iranian.com

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A Cyber Attack on Iranian.com
by Faramarz
28-Sep-2010
 

A Fictional Story about Islamic Republic’s Cyber Attack on Iranian.com in Retaliation for Recent Virus Attacks on its Nuclear Facilities

In a Secret Bunker near the Holy City of Ghom

In the aftermath of the recent Stuxnet worm attack on the Iranian nuclear facilities, Khamenei called a secret meeting with his top security team to plan retaliation.

Rahbar: ”This attack by the Global Arrogance cannot go unanswered! We will have to respond immediately! Mahmoud, what are our plans?”

محمود: بسمه الله الرحمن الرحیم

Rahbar: ”Cut it out! You are not on CNN anymore! We don’t have time for that stuff!”

Larijani:” Attacking US computer networks are very difficult, but our intelligence resources in the US have identified a softer target. By hitting this target, we can not only show our global reach, but also will take out a source of daily anguish for our supporters. I am talking about Iranian.com site!”  

Firoozabadi: “I have an inside man at Iranian.com. His name is Sargord. He is not physically fit to be under my command! I need to put more meat on him! I was going to use him on a suicide mission. But he could be the perfect inside man to do the job!”

Janati: “How about that lady, Temporary Bride who has visited Iran a few times? She has a culinary school in London. The last time that she was interviewed for a visa, she said that she wants to open a Persian restaurant on Kensington-High Street. We can offer her the seed money and in return, she can travel undercover to Hungary and provide the GPS coordinates for JJ’s laptop! Then we will fire a couple of Sejil missiles and wipe out Iranian.com computers once and for all!”

Firoozabadi: “Sejil is not that accurate! The last time that we tested, it almost hit N. Korea! I think that the homing navigation device needs to be recalibrated!”

Rahbar: “OK, that’s it! Mahmoud, shoot an email to Sargord and activate him immediately!”  

Somewhere in the Midwest

Sargord has been unhappy for the past several weeks. Ever since the Iranian.com readers realized that he doesn’t read or write in Farsi, there has been a barrage of comments in Farsi about him. Sargord finally decided to hire a translation service to counter the Farsi comments.

Sargord: “Come on, hurry, what are they saying?”

Monterey Institute: “You are not going to like this sir! That Majid guy is really funny! And you don’t want to know what Divaneh, Shazde or Anonymouse are saying either!”

Sargord: “OK, OK, that is enough! Why don’t you write something smart and funny! You have my log in information!”

Monterey Institute: “Sir, at $40/hr. we only provide translation services, creative writing is not included!”

Sargord: “Why don’t you say in Farsi that they are a bunch of exiles and are still living in the 1970’s and I have pity on them!”

Monterey Institute: “I’ll say 1350’s instead of 1970’s. It is more authentic!”

As the conversation was heating up, Sargord did not realize that an email from Ahmadinejad was sitting in his in-box.

Iranian.com Global Operations Center, Berkeley, Ca

It has been a busy morning for Foad who has been monitoring the heavy traffic and the comments. His new hire, Jimmy has been sitting quietly in front of the big monitors!

Foad: “Jimmy, what are you doing? Are you watching ESPN again? It is almost lunch time. Why don’t you run down the street and get us some Kabob sandwich and put it on JJ’s credit card!”

Jimmy: “Yes boss! I love Kabob! Can I get some mint-flavored Doogh too?”

Foad, talking to himself: “I regret the day that I told this guy about Kabob! If I don’t move fast he will eat my lunch too!”

Half and hour later, Jimmy shouted from the kitchen of the office complex, “Lunch is here!” As Foad was getting up and running towards the kitchen, he unknowingly pulled the power cord and brought the main server down!

Within seconds the Iranian.com readers around the glob could not connect to the site. Monda and Anonymouse were in the middle of a brown rice recipe discussion. Anahid had just posted her new poem and was waiting for comments. Everyone was getting frustrated!

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Hungarian countryside, JJ was interviewing a Gypsy family for a new piece and was completely unaware of the long outage.

Back at the kitchen of the Operations Center, Jimmy was telling Foad over lunch about his Farsi teacher and both were completely unaware of the outage.

“Yesterday, she asked the class, who can say, “I know a little Farsi!” I raised my hand and said:

من، فارسی کم بلد

“She just burst into laughter! I think that my teacher, Parvin really likes me! How do you impress Persian girls?”

“I’ll teach you how to drink tea with a sugar cube in your mouth! That usually impresses the girls! Or, I can show you how to do a Beshkan with 3 fingers!”

In a Secret Bunker near the Holy City of Ghom

Larijani tried to log in to Iranian.com several times, but nothing happened. The site was down. Rahbar was elated!

Rahbar: “Mahmoud, it is time to celebrate! Why don’t you get some pineapple-flavored Sandis out of the frig! And don’t forget, next year when you are back in New York, make sure that you invite Sargord to your dinner party!”

Firoozabadi, whispering to himself: “He is going to be my top asset in the US, if I could only put more meat on his bones!”

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more from Faramarz
 
divaneh

Very Funny Faramarz

by divaneh on

Loved your story, you have done an excellent job in those early hours. If they ever manage to bomb JJ's laptop, the least that IC has to do is to block Sarkar Mark.

Lol Majid

That was very funny too. I also give my two blogs allocation to Fred, and to keep it fair, give my allocation of copy and paste to Sarkar Mark.


Faramarz

Sargord

by Faramarz on

Please invite your nephew to join Iranian.com bloggers. We can use more of your bloodline here! And I can use more characters for my future stories!


Also, please check the DNA. A couple of the strands might have some bumps and bruises!


Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame! I am glad that you liked your role in my story!


default

sargord, re: your nephew

by gunjeshk on

sargord,

re: your nephew  . . .in the US Marine Corps,  . . .Defense Language Institute Foreign Language Center (DLIFLC) at the Monterey Presidio.

does your nephew want iranian citizenship? does he know of your celebrity status as an iranian blogger of such erudite, cutting edge opinion?

we could lobby AN for you! start a letter writing campaign! maybe a petition? I am sure your nephew is tired, even bored with serving the great satan's best military force. he probably would love to bask in the glow of the almost-emam-zamamand launch marine exercises from those little iranian toy boats.

besides, IRI uniforms are prettier, don't you think?


Anonymouse

مزجیزید جازان، یزک توزو سزریزی ازحتیزیازاش دازارزه!

Anonymouse


Everything is sacred


Majid

فِرد؟ کجائی پدر جان؟ دستمون به دامنت!

Majid


 

من میخوام امتیاز روزی دو تا بلاگم رو بدم به فرد که بیشتر بنویسه تا شاید این آسپیران غیاث آبادی دست از سر بلاگ های دیگه ورداره! قبلاً معقول سرش فقط دور و ور بلاگ های فرد گرم بود ها!

مطلبی هست که این بابا راجع بهش ندونه؟درجه ای هست نگرفته باشه؟سیاستی هست ازش سر در نیاره؟ جائی هست نرفته باشه؟ چیزی هست سوار نشده باشه؟

ور پریده داره مثِ سلاطون رشد میکنه!

میگن یه روز روباه دل درد گرفته بود، رفت پیش حکیم جنگل، حکیم گفت برو از خاک یک تپّه ای که بهش ن....یده باشی بمال به شکمت خوب میشی، روباه گفت اگه علاج فقط اینه پس امیدی نیست! چون من تپّهء  ن....یده باقی نگذاشتم!

یه چند وقت مرخصی هم نمیره وامونده! 


Sargord Pirouz

Speaking of my nephew that

by Sargord Pirouz on

Speaking of my nephew that was in the USMC, he's 1/4 Iranian. Unfortunately, his is a maternal lineage. That was one of the reasons I voted Green in the 2009 election; their campaign platform had included the adoption of citizenship based on maternal lineage. 

Oh well. Maybe someday in the future. 


ImtheKing

Sargord,

by ImtheKing on

As it's thanks to IC members that you're so well known by Kha.r. et al., would you share your earnings with us?

Faramarz khan, very enjoyable story. Thanks for posting, btw what does the lama represent?


Sargord Pirouz

MM

by Sargord Pirouz on

hardly


MM

Sargord Pirouz - congrats.; you are world famous in Iran

by MM on

.


Sargord Pirouz

rotflmao!

by Sargord Pirouz on

Oh that is too funny. Thanks, Faramarz.

I've a question, though. What's the Monterey Institute? I ask, because when my nephew was in the US Marine Corps, he attended the Defense Language Institute Foreign Language Center (DLIFLC) at the Monterey Presidio.

Is this what you're referring to? If so, they're DOD and don't provide any private assistance or tutoring.

But hey, as usual, I get a kick out of the attention. Thanks again. (((chuckling))) 


Faramarz

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say!

by Faramarz on

Thanks everyone for reading and having a few laughs at the expense of the others!

As a famous person once said, "If you don't have anything nice to say about the others, then come and sit next to me!"

Hamsade Jaan,

Sorry for the omission! You are on top of the list! It was way too early in the morning when these thoughts came to me! Even the roosters were yawning!


Cost-of-Progress

Funny

by Cost-of-Progress on

I enjoyed reading it. 

Where else can sargoh find this kind of attention?

____________

IRAN FIRST

____________


MM

very funny - good job

by MM on

.


Bavafa

Dear cousin Framarz, this is just a master piece

by Bavafa on

Only one question, Does this mean a promotion for Sargord to Sarhang as a result of such successful operation?

Love your stories, please keep them coming.

Mehrdad


Anahid Hojjati

Nice story Faramarz jan

by Anahid Hojjati on

Dear Faramarz, this was a nice story. It is a  good balance to the Anonymouse's blog about what to do with comments. That one is serious and this one pokes fun at ourselves.  Thanks.


hamsade ghadimi

farmarz, your piece might

by hamsade ghadimi on

farmarz, your piece might give some a big ego and at the same time slight others who weren't mentioned!  here's another version of your story according to "false news."  :)  maybe you can use tidbits of info from it for your "part 2."

http://english.farsnews.net/newstext.php?nn=8906081424


Anonymouse

He then becomes the Asst Acting Commander of the Qom Cyber Army!

by Anonymouse on

Everything is sacred