Episode 4: Mahtab
Taxi Driver: Hello.
Hajiagha: Hello. I need to go downtown and get a tow truck..
Taxi Driver: What’s wrong with your car?
Hajiagha: Children young as 10 were messing with my car.
Taxi Driver: Why?
Hajiagha: I don’t know. I may have said something like Sucks to Canada and they may have done something to my car.
Taxi Driver: Are you Iranian?
Hajiagha: No I am Persian. Just joking yes I am. Shoma khoobee?
Taxi Driver: Mercy. I am Abbas.
Hajiagha: Bah bah Abbas agha, I am Hajiagha.
Abbas: Same Hajiagha from Iranian.com?
Abbas: Bah bah what an honor.
Hajiagha: Khahesh mikonam.
Abbas: Did you find a wife? We haven’t heard from you in a while.
Hajiagha: Nah baba wife koja bood.
Abbas: I may have a prospect for you. My wife’s cousin has been living with us for a while after the breakup with her boyfriend.
Hajiagha: Sounds good let’s go meet her.
Abbas: What about your car?
Hajiagha: The hell with the car. Wife is more important. Let’s go.
Abbas: Hajiagha. Mahtab khanoom. Mahtab khanoom, Hajiagha.
Mahtab: Are you the same Hajiagha from Iranian.com? You look like him.
Hajiagha: Yes. I am. Khoshvaghtam. Hov-r-u?!
Mahtab: NeckBat! Khejalat nemike-she?
Hajiagha: Ey baba. Chera injoori?
Abbas: Mahtab khanoom? How about some respect?
Mahtab: Respect? He doesn’t respect anyone and insults everyone and everything.
Abbas: He is just joking there. He is a good man.
Hajiagha: Yes that’s right. Do you want a girly man or gay husband like ….
Abbas: Hajiagha let’s go to the other room. She is tense and has been jumpy ever since she broke up with her fiancé.
Hajiagha: Doesn’t seem like she wants a husband?
Abbas: Don’t worry. Aslan Hajiagha ghesmat nabood. Imagine being married to her. Do you like to be bossed around like that? Or spend your hard earned money on manicures and pedicures?
Hajiagha: No not really but I want to have children so they can ask for a tri-cycle or chocolate. Maybe he can play with Googoosh’s grandson who is in Canada, like her son Kambiz played secharkheh-bazi (riding tri-cycles) with Ghatebeh’s son in Iran.
Abbas: Why do you need a child? I know many Iranians who have children from one or two marriages and they can’t control their kids. Their kids are wild. You are having fantasy from when you were a kid. Kids are not kids these days. They give them cell phones in koodakestan (kinder garden).
Hajiagha: Children young as 6 with cell phones? Bah bah, cheshmam roshan.
Abbas: Yes they call it chaperone phones. Maybe you should reduce your requirement for marriage to have kids. Bache mikhay chikar? You are getting older and may not even have the patience for a teenager when you reach your late 50s or 60s.
Hajiagha: All women want to do is talk. How much more rights do they want?
Abbas: So talk or listen. No one is waiting for you to approve or disapprove any laws or rights. You want a woman, you talk or you listen. Your cartoons are ok, you just need to work on your comments.
Hajiagha: Cartoons with sex toys ok?
Abbas: Yes those are ok. You should just polish your responses on Iranian.com. Women are afraid of you and you want them to like you. You are like a gaveh pishoonee sefid (cow with white forehead) with a bad reputation. You should make comments about being sensitive.
Hajiagha: Sensitive? I am a man. Not a girly man, a real man. Real men are not sensitive.
Abbas: I didn’t mean sensitive like doing manicure and pedicures; I mean not insulting women’s rights movement in Iran. Things like that.
Hajiagha: Why should I support women’s right so they have more right than me?
Abbas: There are many reasons. The reason that applies to you and you should worry about is because if you don’t support their fight for their rights, you won’t get any woman. Of course they are prostitutes like they said in ABC News, they are $5,000 an hour and you don’t even have enough money to fix your car, right?
Hajiagha: Yes these god damn children young as 10. Don’t remind me.
Mahtab (yelling from another room): DO YOU WANT TEA?
Hajiagha: NO THANK YOU
Abbas: Why not Hajiagha? Maybe she has a change of heart?
Hajiagha: I know. Nakhas-team. Feelesh yad-e hendestoon karde (her elephant suddenly remembers India). She is going to bring tea and add teaspoons just to shake my knees and make me give in. She is poison I tell you. Roozegar-e shohare-show siyah mikoneh. Her future husband is going to regret breathing.
Abbas: Anyway, why not become an Architect? Why not pretend that you are an Architect from Iran but Canada doesn’t let you practice Architecture because of licensing requirements?
Hajiagha: Yes these damn Canadians schools. They need 12th grade educated.
Abbas: So you become a pretend Architect and a nice person saying on Iranian.com that you have had an epiphany and are now a normal person? How about it, do we have a deal? After that I may have another wife prospect in mind for you.
Hajiagha: Peef Peef nanny? What? I don’t know about that.
Abbas: Epiphany. Means sudden realization. Like a ray of light came down from the sky, hit you in the head and you are now a new man.
Hajiagha: Oh ok. Maybe I try it today but tomorrow I’ll go back searching for my ideal woman with a good photo.
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