Sic Semper Tyrannis

A couple of pieces of important news were not featured on IC’s news section for some reason.  Therefore, seeing that it is my duty as a regular contributor of the site to ensure that everyone is well informed of Iran related news, I decided to post them for you in this blog.

 Iran to Host Asia Gol Koochik Football Championships 

Envious and shocked by news that war torn Iraq has been granted the privilege of hosting the 2013 Gulf football championships, the head of Islamic Republic’s Football Federation, Hojjat-ol-Islam val Moslemeen Haj Seyyed Mojtabba Islamipour immediately announced that Iran will host the 2014 Asian nations’ Gol Koochik Championships.  When questioned about Iran’s ability to undertake such an important and massive endeavor, Islamipour pointed to the fact that Gol Koochik stadiums already exist throughout Iran’s major cities, and he added that by hosting these events the Islamic Republic will, as usual, “punch the Zionists in the mouth.”  Islamipour further pointed out that this event is also groundbreaking in that for the first time in IR’s 32 year history, it will allow Iranian women to attend the matches as spectators by opening the front doors of their “hayat” and watching the games.

Reaction to the news was mixed.  Asked for her comment at the Rose Restaurant at the corner of 5th Avenue and 96th Street in Manhattan, Iranian American Niloufar Solh Doust responded (as she put down her glass of pinot noir and glanced at her American boyfriend) by saying “I think this is great.  It is a symbol of Iran’s progress and advance in all fields.  As for Iranian women, they complain too much anyway.  They have it much better than many other women in the region, such as Somalia for example.  At least Iranian women don’t get RPG’ed when then open their front doors.  That’s a privilege they should never forget.”  Our interview with Ms. Solh Doust had to be cut short, however, as she was planning on attending a rally in Times Square in support of scholarships for women in Gaza.

  New Searches for Iranian Passengers in American Airports 

Following the arrest of the would be Iranian-American terrorist, and part time Mexican soap opera actor, Mansoor Arbabsiar, U.S. Department of Homeland Security chief Janet Napolitano announced stricter searches for Iranian passengers who travel through U.S. airports.  The new instructions for Iranian passengers requires them to-upon approaching the security checkpoint at the airport—bend to a 90 degree angles, whereby they can examined in this method.  Reacting to this news, a group of Iranian guys stopped waxing their BMWs and said “but ve love Amrika.  Ve only travel to Iran for the summers and one meter long chelo kabob.  Vy the fisting? No sanctions please.” The Deaprtment of Homeland Security issued no further comment.