How do you say Goodbye?


How do you say Goodbye?
by Ali P.

Dad has had a cancerous lump , growing on his liver for the last 5 years. He got chemo for it on a regular basis. Sometimes it worked and it shrunk, some times it didn't.

Recently he has totally failed to respond to medications. He was totally independant until about a month ago. Now we have to help him walk, or use the bathroom. In all possibilities, with all the love and care my Mom's giving him, he may have another month or two to live. I wrote this to an friend tonight. I am sharing it now with the rest of you (The picture is my Dad, some sixty years ago):

* * * * * *

In all probabilities , this is the last time I am seeing my Dad. He is here in Germany and I live in the U.S.

He asked me today "Why can't I die?"

I have talked to people whose loved one just left suddenly. They never got a chance to tell them what they meant to each other.Here I am, and I have the chance to talk to him about love, but it is so incredibly hard to bring myself to speak to him about all he has been to me all my life. And I do not know what to tell him...where to start...where to end..

The superman, the giant of my life, now needs me, to keep my arms around him and to help him go to the bathroom.

Everyone is used to his condition here by now but me... My tears roll down my face every time I think I can hide them... We are men, and we are Iranian men, and we're not supposed to cry. He doesn't want to cry in front of me, and neither do I, in front of him. At the same time, I believe, by having our last talk, he may find the comfort and peace he wants , and would let go.

The selfish bastard in me does not want him to let go. Not yet. I want to keep him longer. For me.

But I only have tomorrow here. I am biting the bullet, and I am going to talk to him, tomorrow. About the little boy ,the soon-to -be-all-alone Ali P. and his Dad.

Tomorrow is going to be one of the toughest days of my life.

Pray for me and my Dad.


Ali P.


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dear ali its just a bad

by (not verified) on

dear ali
its just a bad experience that may happen 4 all of us ,but we must be stronger that happened to me a lot of time ,i lose and cant express my feelings .just be strong and brave ,i wish u happiness ali.u r very sensitive and have beautifull things in ur inner heart.even am 19 only but i lost a lot of gd things from my life i wish i can talk to u on email u have things from me.



by Nadias on

 Dear Ali,

 We never really say goodbye to those that have gone before us.

They will forever be a part of us.

I am certain that your father is truly proud of you and loves you greatly.

solh va doosti




Zan Amrikai

What We Can Be Sure Of

by Zan Amrikai on

Dear Ali,

Certainly there are no other words I can say that would change anything for you.  None of us can change the inevitable.  But we can say, "We comfort you in your distress."

We are--all of us--born only to die. This is the end of all of us.  None of us will escape that passage of life. 

It is indeed a blessing to be able to know that it is coming (and not be taken by surprise where you never get a chance to say goodbye) and--for where your heart and head are at this moment--be able to express what you are feeling and thinking.  One day you will think, "Why didn't I say such and such? Why didn't I do such and such?"  (We all do that to ourselves.)  But for now, just do the best you can, and do not keep who you are and what you are feeling and thinking bottled up inside.  Show your father who his son truly is.

And may you find peace and acceptance, even in the midst of pain and loss. 

God bless you--Zan Amrikai


Dear Ali P.

by LostIdentity. (not verified) on

It is saddening to feel the time of separation. This is life and inevitable happens. That is how fragile life (as we know it) is.

On th ebright side of your Dad's life, think of him how he had a chance to live so long and always remember him with the highest memory and happy moments you shared with him. We are all weak but our ego makes us to deny it.


By: Forough Farrokhzad

O life, life!

O naught, O all, the intoxicating nil

I am filled with thy thrill still

I am not able to betray thee

If thou estrange me, I won’t estrange thee.

O life, life!

I hunted thou in thee, in all, in thee

Ever looking to capture thee,O life, capture thee in me

running off my haunted tower of dream

my shimmery palace of fantasies

The journey’s harsh

The quest’s unsure

Nonetheless I went for thee

None could defeat me, defeat my will

O life! in my pursuit of thee, pursuit of beauty.

And I learned thee, life, I learned love!

In the nearness of Venus

I loved the morning star

In the abode of lights

I loved the mourning clouds

And in the land of moon

I loved the raining noon

O life, I learned thee

I learned love

I learned to love thee

The mother of beauty!


Dear Ali P.

by jamshid on

I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your father. I know how difficult these days must be for you. I wish you strength for you and your family. 

Jahanshah Rashidian

Ali Jan

by Jahanshah Rashidian on

I am too sorry for your father. If your dad is around Frankfurt, feel free to send me an email with his address / number. Maybe I can be helpful. 

Safa Ali

Ali P.

by Safa Ali on

I'm sorry man, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your father.

Bijan A M

Dear Ali,

by Bijan A M on

 I hope my tears of emotions as I write this post brings you the courage to face your dad with the same smile on your face as the one in the picture you posted. Make him proud as he made you proud. Give him the joy and the comfort of being with the one he loves and has praised all his life. There is no sorrow in dying as it awaits us all. The sadness is when we feel we have failed to show the depth of our love.  It is never too late to pour our guts out.


I pray that god gives you the ability to open up and show your dad the true love you have for him the way you spilled out in this post. You are a brave man.


My sincere thoughts are with you,



A time to be born, and a time to die...

by Zion on

A time to laugh, and a time to cry
A time to mourn, and a time to dance...

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Dear Ali,

Others have expressed sympathy better than I could. I just leave you with a psalm that has always soothed me in times like these, for its bleak honesty if for nothing else.

A Psalm of David.

I said: 'I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue; I will keep a curb upon my mouth, while the wicked is before me.'
I was dumb with silence; I held my peace, had no comfort; and my pain was held in check.
My heart waxed hot within me; while I was musing, the fire kindled; then spoke I with my tongue:
'LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; let me know how short-lived I am.
Behold, Thou hast made my days as hand-breadths; and mine age is as nothing before Thee; surely every man at his best estate is altogether vanity. Selah
Surely man walketh as a mere semblance; surely for vanity they are in turmoil; he heapeth up riches, and knoweth not who shall gather them.
And now, Lord, what wait I for? My hope, it is in Thee.
Deliver me from all my transgressions; make me not the reproach of the base.
I am dumb, I open not my mouth; because Thou hast done it.
Remove Thy stroke from off me; I am consumed by the blow of Thy hand.
With rebukes dost Thou chasten man for iniquity, and like a moth Thou makest his beauty to consume away;
surely every man is vanity. Selah
Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; keep not silence at my tears;
for I am a stranger with Thee, a sojourner, as all my fathers were.
Look away from me, that I may take comfort, before I go hence, and be no more.



by LalehGillani on

I can’t find comforting words to sooth your heart.  I can’t offer you advice to light up the dark hours a head of you.  All I can do is to weep with you and tell you that the pain will someday subside…


We are dealt this rotten hand, a borrowed breath, a momentarily pause.  I drown myself in wine and pore over Rubaiyat-e Omar Khayyam just to anger the


Kaveh Nouraee

Ali P.

by Kaveh Nouraee on

After reading you post, I began bawling like a baby.

I'm hoping and praying for a miracle for you and your dad.


Iranian Reader

Double loss of exile

by Iranian Reader on

Ali jan, there is of course no way around the profound grief and shock of losing someone you love. We are lucky that we are from a culture and a community that gives a lot of acknowledgement and support in times like this. But we are definittely unlucky that so many of us have lost so many people without being able to be them in their final moments. In fact, we have lost a great deal of time that we could have been with them period.

I think coping with loss in exile is especially painful. I think for us every loss is a double loss: we have lost many people first to the revolution and then to death. I feel very sad for you and for all of us.


Ali Jan my dad is about your

by Ajab Rajab (not verified) on

Ali Jan my dad is about your dad's age judging from the picture that is from some 60 years ago. I could not help but to imagine what I'd say or do if I was in your shoes.

Usually when we experience something as difficult as this we end up saying something that is uniquely our's.

I have no doubt that you will respond to your dad in a manner that your dad will like and you will keep with you for the rest of your life and share with your family and friends.

I wish you strength and wisdom during this time.


Dear Ali P. -

by alborz on

... you are indeed fortunate for the time you have had with your father.  The separation from this realm is destined for all, but I cannot help but to think of the separation that many face in this realm.

May your memories sustain you.

With sympathy,






Dear Ali P,

by jimzbund on

Just tell him that you are proud of him and this is a temporary seperation and we will all will meet each other in the next wrold sooner or later. Tell him that  you will pray for him and ask him to  give his blessings to you from the next spiritual world.

 I lost my dad 9 years ago to cancer too and  never had the chance to see him when he was ill or passwed away but I feel his presence every minute and will be reunited with him when the appointed hour comes.

You are in my throughts and prayers.

Bund, Jimz Bund


Dear Ali,

by ThePope on

sorry to hear what you're going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father. May God give you both strength...
God bless you both.

Stay strong.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Without death we will be just bodies moving around with no purpose, with no meaning,
and NO EXIT...  


You will never be the same Ali again

by Anonymous sympathiser (not verified) on

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up my childish ways."

1 Corinthians 13:11

Dear Ali,

Forgive me if my words do not repeat what may have been said by other friends and well wishers but I can only tell you of my own experience. You are passing through a phase in your life that will change you irrevocably. This change can be for better or for worse - it is up to you. I have no doubt that your father's wishes are to see you flourish into a strong and successful man. A man that can be relied on. You now have a different responsibility than you may have had before. You are now responsible for your mother and for any other younger siblings you may have. Your dear father must have gone through this phase at some point in his life and one day you will have to go too. Life is cruel and death is a release from this cruelty.

Your father will soon be free from all the pains and ailments of this life but he will never die. He will be happy in his other existence if you and the remaining family lead a healthy and happy life.

You need all the strength you have.

May God bless you all.


A moving post

by KB on

As others have said, I do not know you but your post brought a lump to the throat.

Be brave, be strong and celebrate his life while you are with him.

All the very best to you and your family.



by Ye Irani (not verified) on

Ali P.
Don’t be hard on yourself and make peace with how you feel, and some times is good to let the current take you for a while wherever it dose. What I am trying to say is do not fight for control when you don’t have it, you’ll get tried and you bit up on yourself just not being able to achieve it.

Let the time do what supposed to do, and just be easy about it. Life is the distance between birth and death……just let your heart guide you, no matter how strong you might be. Everything will be OK.

My prayer is with your heart as well as your loved ones….


God Bless you all

by Leila- (not verified) on

Dear Ali,
You and your whole family are in my prayers.
God Bless you all,

Dee M


by Dee M on


When the moment feels right give god permission...

meanwhile, let those tears fall, as that will allow him to free his own tears .. it will do you both alot of good. 

You have a lot of people right here on that think very highly of you ...Your dads done a very good job.

Tell him so!

David ET

Dear Ali

by David ET on

Hug Him, Hold him, Kiss Him and Smell Him, Let Love, Laughter and Tears roll. It will be a precious moment worth a lifetime of memory.

You are blessed that you have the opportunity to do that. many don't... 

May God bless you and your dear father


Tell him what's in your heart

by sadchicagodad on

Ali Jaan,

As you read through the many heaertfelt messages of love, sympathy and support that have been sent to you, you ought to come to understand that the grief, anxiety and treidation that you now feel is something that so many of us already know.  It's hard to stand in the shoes of another person and feel what they feel, but when it comes to death and dying, all of us at some point, some sooner, others later, are in the position in which you now find yourself.  Know that all these people, probably most that you will never know personally,  that have taken time from their lives to send you these messages of love are standing with you and supporting you in this, your time of deep sorrow. 

For my wife and I, you and many others sent us the messages of love and strength that helped us to carry on in our time of loss.  We will never forget that the kindness shown to us;  just as I'm sure you will not forget the love and support that so many wonderful people have conveyed to you.  

It is only natural that you feel selfish and cheated by the situation  in which you find yourself, but my dear friend you must pull yourself together for the sake of your father and your other relatives.  Spend what time you have with your baba.  Pour all of your love on him and say everything that is in your heart while you have this chance.  The time that you know have with him is for him and is about him, not you!  You know that I am one of those you wrote about who never got the chance to say goodbye.  It haunts me and my sweet Shirin that we never got those last precious hours to pour all of our love on our child before he left us.  This is something that we have not been able to recover from.  It does not have to be this way for you.

Sit with your dad, talk with him, let the tears fall like rain, but most of all give him all the love, all the passion, and all the respect that you have in your heart.  This may be your last chance to do so.  When his time finally comes as it will for all of us someday, he will take with him all that you give him today when he leaves this world and he will also take the regrets you might have felt if you had squandered your last precious hours.  Give him today all you have to give him, and when he is finally called to his eteranal home, I know that you will not have to carry the burden of regret that Shirin and I must bear. 

We send you all of our love and support.  We cannot feel your pain as you could not feel ours, but we care and we are saddened just as all the other people who've written you are.

God Bless you and your dear, father,



You are in my prayers

by yek pesar (not verified) on

Ali joon,
You are in my prayers and wish you and your family all the best. I am in similar situation as you, my dad is 87 years old and I take care of him. I see him getting weaker by everyday and it really saddens me to witness it.

Best of luck to you.

Yek Pesar


I'm with you my unseen friend.

by Majid on

I can't be of any help or comfort you in person, but you, your dad and your situation are on my mind and I feel your pain.

May who ever you believe in stretch an arm of comfort to you.


Ali Jaan

by sm (not verified) on

Ali Jaan,
I cried my heart out when I read your writing.
I cried for all the people who lose a loved one.... and the loved one.
It brought back memories of when it happened to me, I was 27 and my dad was only 61.
It happened in the days when 'ghorbat' was really ghorbat and I as the eldest child, daughter, did not know what to do.
My mother and my two younger siblings depended on me.
My dad was the backbone of our family and he was my my love my support and my Rock... and then he was gone... and we were lost.
But we all did get to say goodbye to him and tell him what he meant to us and how much we will always love him and cherish the good memories and the fun times we had together.
He specially liked to hear about our stories of when we were very young when we would misbehave and get into trouble and he'd say "as dast-e shoma se tofang-dar" and pretend he was angy but would later laugh it off with my Mom.
Cancer took him cruelly and shamelessly.
It has now been almost 17 years.
We picked up the pieces and slowly moved on.
All along God was there to help me through my tears pain and loss.
Do whatever you feel in your heart it is right to do,
but do tell him of the great love youwill always have for him.
God bless you your dad and your family.


Mr, P. You have all eternity

by aprayer (not verified) on

Mr, P.
You have all eternity to tell your beloved father that you love him. He will hear the prayers of your heart.
God bliss you and you family.


Be who you are and say what is in your heart

by javaneh29 on

Ali P jaan

I feel for you. My thoughts are with you now during these difficult moments when you dont know how it will be tomorrow and they will be with you and your father and family tomorrow also.

Sometimes we aren't able to imagine how something will be because it is outside of any experinece we have had so far. You will remember tomorrow for the rest of your life ... so say what is in your heart and have no regrets in the future. Put all normaliites to the side and be who you are. Your father knows who you are and he needs you to be just yourself as you are.

8 yrs ago my mother in law had cancer. She was in Canada and I was in the UK, When I went to her she asked me 'cry with me please .. no one will cry with me'. We cried together and she died that night. I think I was able to give her something in her last hours.

God bless you



You say goodbye with a poem

by Q on

and make your peace with the situation.

Death is a transition, he should be comforted that he will be simply freed from his mortal shell to watch over you forever.

Remind him of his long life and accomplishments, those who care for him and have been inspired by him, so he feels no regrets.

Good luck to both of you.


Ali Jaan,

by Khar on

I'm so sorry to hear about your dear Dad's condition! Love, caring and sharing are the essence of humanity. Fear not my friend, share your feelings and love with him tell him how much he meant to you and cherish the time you have left with him! It’s hard to see your loved one in such condition but I have faith in you to carry on. Believe me the moments like this in our lives makes our life fuller a richer and hardship makes us better person and just remember we love you man!

PS. Crying doesn’t make you less of a man, showing emotions is only human. Let it out, you’ll feel lighter!

Best Wishs to you and your family!