REACTION

For at least a solid year now, I have been reading the ridiculous claims (usually quoting academia) about the pointlessness of sanctions. I question this especially today with the more than obvious and ever so clear revelation that Iran has been busted now dead to rights, having plotted, bought and paid for an assassination of the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the US.

Dead to rights, no question about it. No conspiracy theories please, I don't want to ruin it, just let me enjoy this beautiful moment. Ah! How I love the smell of utter chaos in the morning!

We hear all sorts of statistics and cases where sanctions have miserably failed here or there, and harmed the innocent this or that.

Regarding Iran, groups like NIAC, likely from the comfort of their nice air conditioned, solar paneled, smartly WiFi, stylish internet 3DHD cable modemed suburban homes just outside of DC (close to, but not where Reza Pahlavi lives), wax poetic about how sanctions somehow hurts or punishes "ordinary Iranians", and that this is what prevents them from standing up to the Iranian government.

WHAT???

First, every Iranian with an Iranian mother knows that no Iranian is ever "ordinary". Get it and kooft it through your head that we are all raised to be "extra ordinary" darlings. Spoilt rotten to the core, each and every blessedly ignorant one of us. Iranians never suffer. Trust me, I've lived long enough to see Akbar Ganji eat.

Second, Iranians should be punished! Serves them right for putting up with such a shitty government as this, for as long as this, right smack in the middle of the Arab Spring, Summer and now Fall! Even while the worst snake like Ghaddafi lies within mere inches of the clutches of the Libyans! THE LIBYANS! The Libyans can get rid of their shitty government! VOY!

Clearly, Iranians aren't suffering enough! Or are actually thriving under this government! I've seen YouTube videos of those Tehran parties. OK, I've seen the doogh and Coca Cola flowing sofreh spread at the weekly Namaz Jomeh.

If Iranians in Iran haven't gotten the clue that they ought to change it by now, maybe sanctions need to be ratcheted up a notch not tamped down. Certainly fine tuned. I mean, how far are Iranians in Iran going to go into this ridiculous pit and proposition that a) God is real, and that b) his favorite is not Angelina Jolie as it should be, but an utter toothless grinning asshole like Khamenei?

Let me ask you, am I the only one who gets the irony when I watch Iran's national team beat the living shit out of a deservingly scum sucking Bahrain 6-0 in "Azadi" stadium? Am I the only one who notices the coaching staff high-fiving and "give me ten" slapping each other after each goal?

Can we at least sanction the use of American congratulatory sports rituals? Or would that hurt the poor Iranian middle class too much?

I know NIAC opposes any stop in the flow of Iranian oil to the West, but can we at least stop the flow of Coca Cola to Iran for one week? Can we have just one Namaz Jomeh buffet without the singular most recognizable icon of American culture at the mollah's table?

According to their website which I am sure like the rest of the internet is totally true, NIAC supports "targeted measures against human rights violators in Iran’s government". Wow! Certainly sounds serious enough, until you realize that everyone else knows that there are NO human rights violators in Iran’s government? They are all merely "doing god's work" against the godless.

And what about God? What about God's human rights? Or God rights? You know what God rights are don't you? God rights are where Khamenei tells you that god is right and you are wrong. Even when you're right. Even if God tells you personally that you are right. Especially if you tell anyone he told you. Because everyone knows that Khamenei and ONLY Khamenei is allowed to talk to god.

Finally, NIAC tells us wisely that it supports "removing restrictions on Internet communication tools, humanitarian relief, and human rights and civil society organizations.

Since I'm an arrogant Iranian SOB, and proving it, I'll insist on doing things my way and backwards. So I'll start from civil society organizations. Although I am not sure what it looks like, I am pretty sure there isn't any in Iran. Iran is certainly not civil, if it were "ordinary citizens and their concerns" would be addressed. And Iran isn't an actual society or "the aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community". OK, maybe Iran is a less ordered community.

And that's ridiculous.

Next on NIAC's wish list is lifting restrictions on human rights. OK, I'll bite, how in the hell are the human rights of the Iranian people being restricted by the US? IRAN is restricting those rights you AHMAGH and now 'tard! One kindergarten field trip to Evin, complete with your choice of complimentary cavity inspection or scrotal/nipple electrocution, should clear that up real quickly.

So that's a joke too.

Next comes NIAC's definition of humanitarian relief. Which I have to guess is probably related to student visas? It's probably a good thing that PARSA folded, because they'd probably fund this one too. Apparently the 5 in 7 Iranians who are clinically defined as addicts, and Iran's skyrocketing prostitution and illegal drug problem are fine and dandy. But no, we need more student's who need visas, so they can come to Stanford for yet another smashing career spent getting yet another technology doctorate perfecting yet one more thesis on the question of questions, which is if the computers that store the terabytes of porn on the internet, masturbate.

Last, and as I hope to illustrate most certainly the least, we come to "restricting internet communication tools".

According to this month's issue of RAYENEH - Mahnamehyeh Kompyooteri a 150 page monthly magazine and the real ghoran of Iranian geeks, published in Tehran (www.rayanehmag.net):

Right now, right away, with a wink and a smile, and with the same factory warranty including the hard to find "Gold Package" service plan, one that Meg Whitman could get over her loss to Jerry Brown with. To know that you can buy HP's latest servers and have them delivered and installed in your shiny Tehran offices today, and I'm talking brand new, XP P9500's XP 24000's baby!

Prefer Cisco? No Perrroblem! Ve got Cisco too! Ve got deh 6500 Series or fasterrr 7600 series as vell as deh infamous ASR9000's galore man! Jooneh Nannat!

A fan of Big Blue you say? You don't say! Vell, ve got dat too! Can you say IBM Blade Center HT?

Vant Sun running Solaris and Oracle? Vot abot Hitachi?

Need web hosting? Mabna Server (www.mabnaserver.com) offers hosting plans for as little as 30,000 tomans. That's about $28. A YEAR!!!! How about a cool domain name for your sexy website? Those are 15,000 tomans for a .com, 8,000 for a .ir.

Need software? How about officially licensed Windows 7 Ultimate Edition, or Windows Exchange Server 2010 (the latest one)!

Now just like being a businessman in Iran, you really can't run a computer these days without protection. I'm not talking about paying off the Revolutionary Guard to stay in business, I'm talking the latest in computer virus and network security from Symantec. Because just like the ad says, "Symantec Is Security".

Tears would come to the eyes of Marhoom Steve Jobs, if he knew that an identical albeit knock off Apple Store opened up last month in Tehran, and contrary to the US, you can actually get a white iPad 2!

So I don't know which "internet communication tools" NIAC is thinking aren't available in Iran, because any Iranian can walk up to it, and can get the latest top tools, fully licensed and legal, right off the shelf, right now. The under the table pirated versions, even easier.

If NIAC is talking about internet access and blocking access by Iranians, proof it's not from this end are the links I put up above. So I would refer NIAC once again to the real culprit, the Iranian government, about internet blocking, since it's mostly happening from that ass-end of things we like to call "ass-end of things". However, to be fair I do support the Iranian government's blocking of Twitter on the grounds of it's ridiculous name and that whole shitty-stupid-ass 140 character limit I can't seem to fit my thoughts into.

While this has certainly been fun (how can you tell?), the sad thing about poking holes in the arguments of others, especially groups as smart and intelligent and utterly capable as NIAC, is it is in fact no fun at all, and infuriatingly angering when you consider the tremendous lost potential, were NIAC to actually argue the right argument to the right side. For fucking once.

But it is probably too much to hope for. Asking NIAC to for a change and fucking once, lobby Iranian politicians to change abusive, oppressive, and violently discriminatory Iranian laws inside Iran. But that is about as difficult as getting NIAC to stop it's wet dream/sexual obsession with Maryam Khanooum's latest black latex outfit, and MEK's "whole new you" sexy dominatrix MEKeover.

You've heard about the new and improved MEK haven't you? That's where the MEK promises to stop using terror, then pays DC lobbyists to help get it off the US list of terror groups, in order to get US funding, so it can go out and buy some more terror.

Because even though it hasn't ever worked, someone in a government that starts with a U and ends with an A, still thinks terror and the MEK way, and The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend, aka the Charlie Wilson strategy, might just work this time around. Better hurry before the administration changes next year.

Maybe what really curdles Trita's milk, is the MEK's obvious theft of NIAC's "National" and "Council" words. Now calling her/it self the National Council of Resistance of Iran. Relax Trita jan, no one thinks NIAC is either National or a Council either. You don't think we'll actually fall for this branding ruse twice?

What NIAC needs to understand, and what everyone already knows, is that no one is EVER going to EVER let Maryam EVER get on top. EVER. Because if she EVER does, with Maryam, there is no safeword.

And so the circle of life continues, Hakuna Fucking Matata!

PS: Add to your list of ancient Persia accomplishments and contributions to the world: (drumroll please) Chemical Warfare! Or the use of sulfur and bitumen based choking gas. First used by the Sasanian army against the Romans. Sadly, "We're #1!"