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Moodle East
21-Jun-2011
In the early years of the Cold War, in an effort to simplify -- and parody -- various political ideologies and philosophies, irreverent wits, in the spirit of George Orwell, went back to the farm. No one really knows how the two-cow joke known as "Parable of the Isms" came about, but most students of Political Science 101 have likely come across some variation of the following definitions:
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.
Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
Nazism: You have two cows. The government shoots you and takes the cows.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Over the years, the parables gradually expanded, using the two-cow joke to explain everything from French unions (You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.) to the Republican Party (You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?). While in its original iteration the cows were a metaphor for currency, capital, and property, they later began to take on different meanings.
Today, the Middle East has replaced the Cold War as America's primary foreign-policy preoccupation. As opposed to the seemingly ideologically homogenous communist bloc, however, the 22 diverse countries that compose the modern Middle East are still confusing to most Americans. Why can't the Israeli and Palestinians stop fighting already? What's the difference between Libya and Lebanon again?
Herewith then is a satirical effort to simplify the essence of Middle Eastern governments so that, in the immortal words of George W. Bush, "the boys in Lubbock" can read it. And, rather than symbolizing property, the cows here symbolize people, which -- funny enough -- is how most Middle Eastern regimes have traditionally viewed their populations.
Saudi Arabia
You have two cows with endless reserves of milk. Gorge them with grass, prevent them from interacting with bulls, and import South Asians to milk them.
Iran
You have two cows. You interrogate them until they concede they are Zionist agents. You send their milk to southern Lebanon and Gaza, or render it into highly enriched cream. International sanctions prevent your milk from being bought on the open market.
Syria
You have five cows, one of whom is an Alawite. Feed the Alawite cow well; beat the non-Alawite cows. Use the milk to finance your wife's shopping sprees in London.
Lebanon
You have two cows. Syria claims ownership over them. You take them abroad and start successful cattle farms in Africa, Australia, and Latin America. You send the proceeds back home so your relatives can afford cosmetic surgery and Mercedes-Benzes.
Hezbollah
You have no cows. During breaks from milking on the teat of the Iranian cow you call for Israel's annihilation.
Iraq
You have three cows: one Sunni, one Shiite, and one Kurd. The first is milked by Saudi Arabia, the second by Iran, and the third smuggles its milk abroad. The United States picks up the manure.
Bahrain
You have three cows: two Shiites and one Sunni. Invite Saudi Arabia to come kill a Shiite cow and import another Sunni cow.
Yemen
You have two cows. Feed them khat instead of grass and neglect to milk them. Watch them fight each other.
Hosni Mubarak's Egypt
You have 10 cows. Neglect to tend to them, but prevent them from fighting Israel in order to get milk from America.
Post-Mubarak Egypt
You have 10 cows who think they now own the farm. There's still no milk.
Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali's Tunisia
You have two cows. Beat them regularly and use the milk money for your wife's shopping sprees in Paris. When the cows revolt, retire to Saudi Arabia.
Post-Ben Ali Tunisia
See post-Mubarak Egypt.
Libya
You have two cows. You wish they were camels. Feed them only your words of wisdom and kill them if they dare moo.
Turkey
You have two cows and one sheep. You claim that the sheep is really a "mountain cow."
Qatar
You have one cow that has hundreds of udders. You use the limitless milk money to set up a television channel that broadcasts the other cows in the region being milked (except Saudi Arabia's).
United Arab Emirates
You have two cows. You bring in Filipino nannies, South Asian laborers, and Russian prostitutes to make sure they're well taken care of. Sell the milk to build the world's biggest shopping mall.
Jordan
You have one cow, surrounded by wolves. Pretend that it's a magic cow that has the power to pacify wild animals, and then ask America for milk.
Palestine
You had two cows that were lost decades ago. Lament them.
Israel
You have two bulls. Pretend they are helpless calves.
First published in foreignpolicy.com.
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Secular Amir Parviz
by divaneh on Thu Jun 23, 2011 03:22 PM PDTNow we have to establish whether Khamenei is a plant, worm or fly to get strength from manure.
Correction: poisonous plant
I also would like to offer an alternative description for Iran.
Iran:
You have a few cows and they all have mad cow disease.
In defence of the cows that you say just want to shit.
by amirparvizforsecularmonarchy on Thu Jun 23, 2011 09:57 AM PDTManure is worth alot these days, look at how well it worked out for Khameneii.
Taking it beyond Moodle East
by divaneh on Wed Jun 22, 2011 05:06 PM PDTWell lets expand it out of the moodle east.
Afghanistan:
You have two cows and they keep spilling each other milk, and then look to the rest of the world for milk.
Faramarz,
Liked your Iranian.com parable. Here is my description.
Iranian.com:
You have a few cows that you milk. There is no fence and some cows come in just to shit.
Irans monarchy
by amirparvizforsecularmonarchy on Wed Jun 22, 2011 01:31 PM PDTYou have no cows because schools, courts and government are run exclusively by a group of wolves.
along comes a king and loans his assets to buy a cow and a bull, he provids as many people as he can with a cow and a bull. He gives away most of his land also to help others raise more cows and bulls.
After 25 years when most people have their own cows and bulls, the king raises the price of milk, to enrich the peoples interests to offset foreign inflation.
The free world intentionally creates false information, the king is a megalomaniac, a despot, a tyrant, a torturer in secret and lets not forget a crook!
They present the Iranian people with a wolf in sheeps clothing and put the king in a position of either killing all the deceived people or leaving with some of his own cows, in practice the free world removes the king.
You end up with wolves again and the number of cows keeps falling. People are sitting around blaming the king and trying to reform the wolves into sheep. They even desire to chose which wolf can lead because they yearn for democracy above all else!
.........
by yolanda on Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:37 AM PDTJust notice that a couple of sheep are missing.......one sheep with AN as avatar.........not sure if this sheep is under quarantine, or has been euthanized, or is in a different clothing.....
SK: Amen to that as well!
by Bavafa on Wed Jun 22, 2011 10:26 AM PDT"dumb just like the IRI followers but they call themsleves the oppostions "
Mehrdad
the truth about the farmer John
by Soosan Khanoom on Wed Jun 22, 2011 09:15 AM PDTnever turn for any advice to farmer John either ..... I am not sure he is helpful ...... LOL
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, ``Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, ``Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. ``So-so,'' she answers. ``The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''
Wolves in Sheep's clothing?
by Mash Ghasem on Wed Jun 22, 2011 09:04 AM PDTYou know who they are.
And don't forget our lovely porcupines either!
Bavafa ..... news section ???
by Soosan Khanoom on Wed Jun 22, 2011 09:04 AM PDTthere are no babaees in the news section .... there are two goats posting and fighting all the time ..... it is becoming so entertaining actually... turning news section to comedy section ... LOL
I do not know what Faramraz had in mind but the baa baa I am hearing here is the same as the baa baa I hear from the women who are in love with Khamenie .... some here are just the followers with no opinion of their owns .... I bet you they do not even bother to read anything. As soon as their favorite author or especial someone makes some noises they are all for it .....
dumb just like the IRI followers but they call themsleves the oppostions
opposition my foot
Amen to that!
by Bavafa on Wed Jun 22, 2011 08:40 AM PDT" They have the same "baa"..........just take a look the news section"
Mehrdad
......
by yolanda on Wed Jun 22, 2011 08:08 AM PDTSome of sheep on IC seem to be cloned by IRI! They have the same "baa"..........just take a look the news section!
.
by Anahid Hojjati on Wed Jun 22, 2011 08:05 AM PDT.
LOL .....
by Soosan Khanoom on Wed Jun 22, 2011 07:34 AM PDTYou have a few sheep that just follow the goat in the front!
Cows and Sheep on Iranian.com!
by Faramarz on Wed Jun 22, 2011 07:15 AM PDTKarim has a good sense of humor, but he forgot to mention Iranian.com.
Iranian.com
You have a few dairy cows that produce fresh milk regularly. You have a few sheep that just follow the goat in the front! Then you have the black sheep with Peshkel hanging from their Donbeh! You have a few mules, stubborn as can be and set in their ways. And finally, there is Farmer John who is running the place!
This is great and rather accurate and to the point
by Bavafa on Wed Jun 22, 2011 07:04 AM PDTThanks
Mehrdad
Very smart and funny too,
by Anahid Hojjati on Wed Jun 22, 2011 06:28 AM PDTJust what one expects from Karim.
hmmm
by Soosan Khanoom on Wed Jun 22, 2011 06:11 AM PDT...... there got to be a donkey somewhere otherwise who is going to buy all these cow stories anyway ?
Great quote "the cows here symbolize people, which .....
by MM on Wed Jun 22, 2011 05:56 AM PDTGreat quote "the cows here symbolize people, which -- funny enough -- is how most Middle Eastern regimes have traditionally viewed their populations. "
...........
by yolanda on Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:19 PM PDTGreat satire! Very creative! It reminds me of Aesop's fables!