Javad Nation

Iranian cultural love affair with Javads


Javad Nation
by Siamack Baniameri

A peculiar specie called “Javad” lives in modern-day Iran. Javads move and hunt in large herds. Its mutation has spread through an entire population for over a century. The theory of organic evolution proves that Javads are products of accumulated small changes over 1400 years. Its variation contains the unique genetic characteristics which includes hatred of personal hygiene or anything clean and odorless.

Javads population has mostly grown through reproductive isolation (interbreeding) between family members which has resulted in sharing genetic variations and natural selection. This particular genetic code has created extreme love affair between Javad and his facial hair. The relationship between Javads and facial hair can stem from the fact that this particular specie enjoys close bond with its ancestral heritage.

There are theories that Javads have managed to escape Darwin’s Natural Selection and gradual evolution by isolating themselves in pockets of habitat conservation in and around mosques and bazaars. That explains Javads’ dislike of Jews, homosexuals, literature, music and arts.

Miraculously, Javads have managed to evade punctuated equilibrium process and remain in stasis state nearly all the time which explains their pedophilia tendencies, love of juvenile boys and arranged marriages with underage cousins.

Further studies of Javads in their natural habitat has shown that lack of sufficient polyploidy and sever genetic drift are credited to inadequate penis size. The lack of crude mass has pushed the specie to exploit stimulation through opium and violence, which has affected Javads’ evolutionary ladder. The habitual opium consumption and excess violence among Javads has resulted in genetic downgrade of the specie due to production of fertile seeds without ample fertilization. Lack of strong fertilization has shown to move Javads to the category of Allopatric Speciation which explains the specie’s extreme dislike of any occupation that requires ingenuity, creativity and hard work.

Extreme religious tendencies are by far the most distinctive characteristic of Javads. Darwin theory of evolution suggests that the most powerful ingredient of survival among species is the ability to adapt to environment. Interestingly, Javads’ key to survival has been credited to their belief that an invisible power up in the sky is watching over them and rewards them with virgins and wine when they vanish. Javads believe that to gain access to their heavenly virgins, they need to deny others from their own earthly virgins.

Javads’ social behavior is subject to various scientific studies. These studies suggest that Javad population suffers from what is known as Sympatric Speciation. That explains Javads’ obsession with protecting the honor of the next-door neighbor’s wife.

It would be misleading to assume that Javads lack all attributes of social norms. Javads are known to occasionally enjoy the finer things in life. Javads seem to have uncompromising passion for German cars, movies starring Al Pacino, gold chains, and rosewater.

In his book, “Sociology of Intellectual Carnage “ Ali-Reza Goli, famous Iranian anthropologist, concludes:

“Through a long history of incursions and defeats, Iranian culture has created a social class that finds intellect and ethics treacherous and threatening. This social class is the guardian of chasm and stands against all those whom dare to dream a better life for Iranians. The faiths of Ghae-magham, Amir Kabbir, Mossadeg and Kasrravi are examples of damage this subclass has done to Iran and Iranians throughout history.”


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khaleh mosheh


by khaleh mosheh on

very much for your kind welcome back, Mehrban and Marge.

I meant to be away for 3 days but the boss changed his plans and I got caught up for longer.

Best wishes 



Great piece

by Rea on

Funny and sharp at the same time. Universal, too, as Javads seem to be "borderless".

Wonder if they wear white socks ? :o)


Whatever Javad may or may not be

by divaneh on

this article very masterfully portray an uneducated subclass that seems to by leading a separate life from most of the society. Unfortunately this seems to be the group that in most cases is used and abused by the dictators against the more peaceful elements of the society.


Spot on Shahriar

by Mamane-Omid on

Yours is the correct definition of "JAvad". The female of it is referred to as "Aghdass". One of the give aways of a Javad in my days was calling Coca Cola CooCa Coola,  and John Wayn  as Joon Wine.



I Have a Crush on Alex Trebek

Khaleh Mosheh: you are too funny

by I Have a Crush on Alex Trebek on

self-study is right.


This is spot on

by Cost-of-Progress on

Funny and yet sadly true.

Thanks for this well-written piece and, by the way, Javads are not confined to Iran anymore. There are plenty in diaspora beating their chest about their beloved Javadism....... There are a few Javadis (in denial) on this site.  




Shahriar Zahedi

javads are...

by Shahriar Zahedi on

I think Siamack has mistaken hezbollahis or fadaiyan eslam for Javads. Javads, originally hailing from Javadieh in Tehran but now everywhere, are a subclass of Tehrani dudes and dudets who aspire to be cool and with-it but fall short. Their taste in dress, their way of talk, and their overall demeanor is somewhat below the shomal shahri standards. The Javad women "vang vang" when they talk. Javads pronounce sizdah as sinzdah. Instead of using "ha" at the end of sentences like "hava sardeh ha" they use "va' and say "hava sardeh va", and so on and so forth.

Long before the revolution, my grandmother  used to refer to this subclass as tehrooni-shol.


lol, I think you meant seyyeds.

by پیام on

I feel for the poor fellows who's name is Javad.


Why Javad???

by jasonrobardas on

    This is an elaborate description of the sub class you mentioned ,  I am just wondering Why "javad'?  . This is not faire to those whose names are (Javad) . Javad is a pretty nice name . It is not "too common" like Mohammad or Taghi or Ghazanfar or asghar . All these awful charecteristics you attribute to (Javad) makes it quite unfaire to those named Javad . My most favourite friend's name is javad .

    Such connotations regarding this name is rather new in our culture . We old folks ( Over 65)  are not familiar with this usage .

    For the first time , a few months ago , I was talking to a young iranian lad who used this this name to express something ( Tacky) . I did notget it first


Khaleh Mosheh

by Mehrban on

Great to see you back.  To fill your absence I even tried my hand at comedy but no one can fill your shoes.  Welcome back.

I am sorry Siamck for barging in. 

khaleh mosheh


by khaleh mosheh on

is truly wonderful. Nice self analysis.


Good one

by SamSamIIII on




Path of Kiaan Resurrection of True Iran Hoisting Drafshe Kaviaan // //



by abtin on

Spot on brother!


Thanks Mr. Siamak

by Abarmard on

What do you suggest we do about these species?