Storm over football match between male and female teams


by Siamack Baniameri

Something interesting happened in the city of Tehran on January 20th. For the first time in the history of the Islamic Republic of Iran an all-female soccer club played a match against an all-male team comprised of players between 15 to 18 years of age.  As expected, the event did not sit well with Islamic authorities and coaches of both teams were fined and suspended.

The managers of Estegllal soccer club who organized the match were hoping that the incident would quickly blow over... not a chance [see BBC: Iran mixed football match furore]. During Friday Prayers a few mullahs in smaller towns dedicated a large portion of their sermons to the incident and spoke of moral decay of Iranian men and women and the government’s inability to maintain decency and virtue in society.

A clergyman even went as far as suggesting that some of the female players might have been sexually violated during the match and the authorities need to check to make sure that all the women in the team still have their virginity intact. The mullah was merely alluding to the possibility that during a slide tackle, the male genital might accidentally penetrate the female player and a quick ejaculation could result in unwanted pregnancy.

Under normal circumstances I would’ve questioned the validity of the gentleman’s statement but since mullahs have mastered the discipline of “female virginity fortification,” I must admit that there might be more to this than meets the eye.

Growing up in southern streets of Tehran, we often suckered girls in the neighborhood to play soccer against us. Though innocent in the eyes of a casual onlooker, the whole idea was to grope the girls as often as we possibly could while trying to take away the ball. I also recall slide tackling a few of them from time to time. It was long ago and my memory is foggy.

I perhaps should take this opportunity to apologize to any of the neighborhood girls that I might have penetrated during my slid tackles. And if any of them got pregnant by my nanosecond ejaculation, I’m willing to pay child support -- if proven that the child belongs to me (oriental or black children need not apply). There was a reason they called me Speedy Gonzales and it had nothing to do with running.

The January 20th soccer match ended up with the male team defeating the females 7-0! Thank god for that. Imagine what would have happened if the female team emerged victorious. Had that happened, I assure you that shit would have hit the fan. A defeat by a group of subhuman, second-class citizens, who shouldn’t be playing sports to begin with, would have damaged our fragile Persian manhood and enticed mullahs to arrange for swift trials and execution of players and coaches of both sides with a majority public approval.

The real rationale behind the whole event is unknown. Some believe that the match was arranged to provide the female team with exposure to better competition since the number of female soccer teams in Iran is limited. Others believe that the match was arranged to humiliate the women and remind them that they have no business running after a ball. Regardless of the intent, nothing is more entertaining than social mishaps taking place in countries that claim to have monopoly on morality.


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haha, I cant believe how

by sonya (not verified) on

haha, I cant believe how someone can be so ignorant and unedjucated, and the people who are actually listening to these mullas. It is sad what the once great empire has become today...
I hope change will come soon...


I'm sorry... I find this

by 77889 (not verified) on

I'm sorry...
I find this very funny though I'm a woman XD



by MiNeum71 on

I read these lines and am still ... well astonished, flabbergasted ... at how these backwoodsmen´s brains work ... "still have their virginity intact", "quick ejaculation could result in unwanted pregnancy" ... I am at a loss for words.



Juvenile Writing.

by Anonymous.... (not verified) on

I didn't find this funny or useful at all. Seeking out comments of a loser mullah is consistent with the mindset of how some found an opportunity to groap women in south of Tehran. Both of which resemble the a taste or mindset that leave much to be desired. If humor is the objective, you can do better. If raising Iran's status is the goal, then why not focus on the positive instead of some mullah want to be that's preaching to its own sub class of civilians, or if you want to keep bashing the mullah's rule of Iran to serve your own personal ideology, then wake up and smell coffee. They're sending rockets into the orbit now. But I'll give you credit for the photo. Their uniforms are and interesting, unique and also profound. I'll predict they'll become hip some at some point.

I didn't think I needed to sure code things for a fellow persian, so thanks for taking it for what it's worth to you.



by kola namadi (not verified) on

I laughed so hard my dog run away. I like the part about "if the women would have won the game". Just imagine if the score was women 7 and men 1 that would have been the biggest news in IR history. Everyone wanted to know why the men let the women to win.


Where is my sense of humor?

by sbglobe on

I did not find this funny at all......

Multiple Personality Disorder

Hilarious :O)

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

I laughed my ass off.  I particularly loved the self-deprecating humor, my kind of humor.


Dear Siamack Your writings

by Bacheh Tehroon (not verified) on

Dear Siamack

Your writings are great and as always you are very funny. Your humor is unique and I peronally feel blessed that I have the chance to read your writings and enjoy them greatly. Please write more. You use your genius and talent to take on big shots and inhumanities of the world, and for that you have my respect and admirations.

With best wishes



Is your head aching?! or are

by Esmal Latte (not verified) on

Is your head aching?! or are you tying a headband to a head that does not ache?!