HURT

What a learning opportunity for me...

to read your story and all the valuable comments about Sherri Pedram's individual dilemma. I am most touched, at times moved, by Not been there, Anonymous Manonymous (what a crack up on Oedipus!), Azadeh, Zan Amerikai, Ebi, souri...

Nazy joon you provided a fantastic and much needed debate here, at least for me to learn and change by.

Can't wait to read your next piece involving more of the "mirrors" concept/reality that Not been there pointed at. Keep up your nice work my dear!

Thank You All!

Thank you so very much for your thoughtful and soulful comments. I don't know about you guys, but I'm learning a lot! I'll be posting another piece again soon. Please come back and join the dialogue there. You guys are the best!

Ahh... the good ol' times

God bless Marhom, jenabe Frank sinatra:)

Love and marriage

Love and marriage... it is an institute you can't diparage. Ask the local gentry, and they will say it is elementary... try... try... to separate them... it is an illusion...

and then:

Oh...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllll
ajab rajab

Baba you sent me down the memory lane.. reminscing. That was my favorite Tv series.

This is definately not

This is definately not Pedram's story! Pedram's story goes something like this (you can take it from here);

Pedram was a 32 year old single guy who for one reason or another 'did not have sexual relations with that woman'! One day he met Sherri who was half drunk and tipsy and told him she wouldn't mind going to San Francisco with him!

The next morning she had to run out of Pedram's apartment without shoes because Pedram had hid them to prevent her from leaving! Sad to see her go he kept calling and calling and calling and texting and texting.

Just as he was about to give up Sherri picked up the phone and said WTF is the matter with you?! He tried to argue and lecture her about "love and marriage" (sing the tune of TV show Married With Children ;-), "love and marriage"! She said are you out of you f'ing mind?!

Nazy Jaan

 Sharmandeh kardi!.

Very good point you made:

"I said though I called it Sherri's story, there is enough of Pedram and his feelings visible in the story to see him as the equal character here. What do you think? "

Definitely he is heart broken,as you all know men normally donot show their feelings.What if he couldn't find sb in his own age range, who could understand him as much as he thought Sherri did?! may be he found the mother figure he might have missed in Sherri.A lot of men & women these days choose an older boy/girl friend,for a long/serious relationship,since they can't find what they're looking for in their age range.Not every woman is a gold digger or every man a sex-hungry Don Juan for that matter.There are other things in a serious relationship that matters for a lot of poeple especially if they are educated & financially independent,like a good companion to talk to,laugh with,share sorrow,listen to music .....last but not the least having a " hamdame roozhaaye peeri".

omidvaaram e'saaeye adab be kasi nashavad.

sepaas

Poor Cougars

Ajab: With all due respect - a poor Cougar is an oxymoron.

Ghalee Kermans are always in demand and never lose their value! Never. They usually come intact with inheritance money which affords them to maintain body and face for a good while. Ghalee kermans come with pedigree, lineage and social contacts - which, even without the brain to go with that bod, still has high market value.

Pretty villager impersonating as ghalee kerman to the inexperienced Iranian-American male! Now those have to be auctioned off PDQ after they step off the boat , deliver a couple of kids and fast are approaching their sell by date.

Crude analogy - but hey, it's Friday.

Mirrors

Nazy Khanoum:
A healthy discussion helps us grow and learn. Afterall if we were to always agree with the other person - wouldn't that be equivalent to looking into the bathroom mirror?! (Ironic)

There are two people in a relationship - of course and two mirrors. Each mirror comes with its own past - it may be warped, it may be dusty and it may be flawed - old - cracked even. There are two.

A relationship stands NO chance of happiness if one insists on a pocket calculator. The more invested, the more the win and of course the heavier the loss, if the bet goes south. So, one takes a risk - each and every time with each and every person. One sets boundaries, shares, checks, shares and repeats until there is a circle - going back and forth; checking the mirror all the time. And then one commits - becomes vulnerable and then what - one leaves oneself open to be taken, lock, stock and barrel. And one risks to be loved back and hopes it will be for ever.

Some unions go on their merry way for decades before they break apart. They break apart because even within a union two people simply do not grow and change at the same pace. Somewhere along the line one gave, the other one took and it became a habit. Rules were set early on - actively and tacitly the partners established the boundaries. One cheated and the other didn't want to believe it and looked the other way and hoped it would go away. Mosht nemooneyeh kharvar - isn't that what every Grandmother tells her grandkids but which one of us listened - truly listened. Tokhme morgh dozd - shotor dozd mishavad - remember that one? So we don't listen to the inner voice. We yell it back into its cage. We rationalize, we weigh the good stuff and hope we are wrong. Well, guess what decades of this self deception, we find the monster is yelling at us at the kitchen sink! The same monster we helped create - actively and or tacitly!

Lesson: Keep instincts in check. By all means lay it all out - love like you have never been hurt before - gamble - of course but gamble as you would in Vegas - ready to lose and if there is a win - then by god you have hit the Lottery.

When you give it all - you can always hold your head up high. It is the other person's loss. But don't be stupid. You give until you wisen up not a moment after you find out the guy/girl is a jerk/jerkette. Then do the fast pull the rug from underneath them, watch them from the rear view mirror tumble down the stairs and walk away. Their loss. That pot of gold you hold - your integrity, your dignity, your willingness to love unabashedly and to believe and give it your 100% will lead you to the promised land - even if that were to be watching the sunset solo for a season or two. And you will meet your prince.

YOu seem like a lovely person. I wish I could get to know you in person. For now, I guess these blogs will connect us. Keep on writing.

Dear Kourosh

Thanks. Na baba! I wasn't talking about you, or referencing anything you had said when I made that comment. But thank you for what you said; it does add to the discussion. Your insight has been invaluable to this discussion.

Heeh! Forgive twice and then move on, sounds like a good plan! Let's see, I only went over by a mere 25 counts three times! Your rule is a lot more practical if also a lot more harsh! Thanks Kourosh!

Handbag as far as cougar I

Handbag as far as cougar I am talking about poor cougars, not nightmare wives or the ones using hubby's moollah for plastic surgery before saying goodbye and living off alimony.

My definition of cougar in this discussion is Kerman rugs as we say in Farsi! Just the looks and build that god gave her. Her only asset which is fading away if she doesn't hurry up and find the last husband standing before it is too late.

Nazy I DO have prospects for you but you must want it too. There are only so many kinds of Iranian men around. Unfortunately the good ones are limited. I think these discussions are more than just spilling your guts out or learning a thing or 2.

I think these discussions should be practiced in real life and see how it turns out. Practice, practice! Practice make perfect. Don't be shy. Flirt with the next guy that you see around. Twist his ears and tell him; biya inja binam!

I believe you were referrring to my comments:)?

Nazy khanoom

I could not help but to think that "some people, you know believe that we ask for it" was based on what i had said.
I want to make some clarifications. It is so easy to take that comment out of context and make a generalization out of it that no matter how a woman gets hurt in a relationship, it is because she asked for it. But that is not what i meant to say.

I am simply saying that a woman, maybe not a young 17, or 18 year old girl since she is new to this, but someone who is in her 20's or 30's, who is more mature and can think better and understands more, should know better when to stop the abuse.

If it is being cheated upon, When one time she finds out or perhaps two times, about it, She should not let there be third time. IF its physical or mental abuse, she should find the way out and not endure by giving second and third... chances, simply because she still has emotions and feelings for the man.

Because when the proverbial crap hits the fan, it is usually way to late to control the damage, and that is precisely the point so many women wait to come down to, before ending it,leaving them 9 out of ten times hurt and devastated.

thanks:)

One Forgotten Thought!

First, let me say how delighted I am to see Ebi join the discussion! And Rajab who has been my loyal fellow-debater here, though he sees little prospects for me! (just kidding, baba!).

No Hand Bag Jan, I want to thank you for staying in the discussion and for providing your interesting views on things. Your insomniac note sounded articulate and intelligent as usual! It's funny how you say our relationships are our mirrors. That is sooooo scary! I mean, shoot! I'm speechless! That sounds unfair, macabre, and hopeless all at the same time and I am devastated to think that it might also be true! Heeh! So, what about when you are in a relationship with someone and give him or her your all and he or she betrays you and your relationship turns into a nightmare and you break up? Did what the other person do to betray the relationship and your trust and love somehow portray an accurate image of you? Did you ask to be cheated on? Some people believe that, you know, that we "asked for it!" Ifthis is true, then, will you display the same behavior in your next relationship, so that you will be cheated on again? Aakh Aakh, naabood shodam az in fekr!! I don't know, I'll have to think about this!  The thing that is wrong with this picture is that if we accept that we keep getting ourselves into similar relationships/outcomes, whatever that means, it discounts and removes all responsibility from the other person in the relationship!  And the thing that keeps me from completely disagreeing with you is that my next piece in the series actually reflects deeply on this mirror thing and I am really spooked that I wrote that piece before reading your comment here! Sigh!

And here's the forgotten thought which someone kindly pointed out to me yesterday: He said Sherri is Pedram's frog which isn't going to turn into a princess, not the other way around. I said though I called it Sherri's story, there is enough of Pedram and his feelings visible in the story to see him as the equal character here. What do you think?

Cougars and Divorce Settlements!

Ajab: Something doesn't add up.

Number one: Cougars don't collect measly alimonies. They either make > $250K and pick the best of the crop in the meat market AND pay for it, enjoy it and dump it OR come off a long marriage with a hefty lump sum. Cougars in this second category do not leave the marital home. ;) They kick the guy out, move in the beef of the month and make the ex pay for it.

As for divorcing couples with credit card bills, debts etc. Well, the pain has to be shared. That is called irresponsibility all along. They did not ever 'own' that house or 'own' that fancy car. It was all show. One would think that the divorce would be a reality both parties will have to reacquaint themselves with - going back to the studio flat should not be such hardship then for either of them.

As for 2-3 divorces in a row. Well, some women do make a career out of marrying. They normally manage to settle for plastic surgery before they jump ship - you know an upgrade before going back into the market :)

Unfair as it may seem Cougars can pick up the man from the love shack, young, old, handsome, ugly - whatever, have their way with him and put him back in there - no harm. Women on the other hand do not have the same 'shelf life' as the man. If they don't have their own income, they simply cannot play revolving door with men. They need the contract - hence the search for the pot of gold. The older they get - the fewer pots of gold left.

So, full circle we come. Money talks - bullshit walks.

We can only afford the decisions we can truly pay for with greenback. Who said money doesn't count for anything. The only ones who say that are the ones who have it.

Lesson: The best gift any of us can give our children is a means to financial independence and self-reliance. Once they have that, then they don't have to stay or leave a marriage for money - choose a man or woman for money, have agha-bal sar or Fatmeh ghor-ghoree for money. Love will then have a chance to blossom. They will 'graduate' to the next level of mating criteria - the soul, this time with a full stomach, a roof over their head - for which they themselves pay. No longer will they look to be kept, exploited, used and abused always with the fear of being dumped and back on the streets - figuratively speaking of course.

I don't know anyone in my circle who has been married three times. I must exist in a total cocoon. Two marriages - and you should be in a therapist's chair to get your head examined!

I just got an invite to Las Vegas for the annual Iranian Christmas Bash. I have resisted all these years . Maybe I will go this year only to see all the type of women and men that I am reading about on this site.

Nice exchange - learning a lot all the time.

Well 5 years means something

Well 5 years means something to a 30 year old and it means something totally different to a 45 or 50 year old, cougar style ;-) Also alimony or divorce settlements are for those who can afford it and they'll be fine.

I'm talking about couples who lived on credit cards and are both in debts! It could also mean that you're already divorced 2 or 3 times, so while you're still a cougar your resume is full of short term stints.

Furthermore, you don't have the skills that can help land a job. I think this is more serious than we might imagine. I know few women around me and it is not far fetched. Many of our couples came to US together starting from zero, whether it was 30 years ago, 20 or 10 years ago. So the financial dependency wasn't too deep. Mostly pain to share and now pain all alone. Actually more so because men can live in a love shack much easier than an alone woman.

Financial Security

Ajab: Interesting points on women needing the man to take care of them. One caveat I might want to add is that women without experience to fend for themselves after the divorce, and who have in the past had a husband took care of them financially, do end up receiving alimony upon divorce. This could either be a lump sum or ongoing payments depending on the length of marriage and of course the financial ability of the now ex-husband. Those funds may be used for furthering oneself and setting up home so that a 'second man' is not so desperately required for financial well-being. That is the intent of alimony afterall is it not. When the first man takes the 'best' years and for a multitude of reasons the marriage ends before the retirement years, then he is obligated to provide for the partner. This is not too dissimilar tot he severance package a company extends to an employee it no longer requires.

Sure enough the woman will have to 'downsize' for a while. Cut down on the parties and the size of the house. Statistically women recover financially from a divorce within 5 years. So, again it is a temporary hardship. Hardly worth signing up for a second man for mere financial security.

Good point on the head and experience. I read somewhere expereince comes from bad judgement. Good judgment comes from bad experience.:)

Teapot - Overinflated ego

Please enlighten us, oh you inteligent one!! (try this time without insults). Again, except for an undeserved and overinflated ego, what else do women bring to the table?

About children. I believe

About children. I believe that is a problem when the stepchildren are teenagers, regardless of the age issue on this blog.

Teenagers are rebellious by nature and when one of their parents is gone they feel more "freedom" and less likely to "listen" to their step-parent and that becomes a reason for constant conflict. While the biological parent can handle the teen easier.

So in these cases it is better for the step-parent to leave the teen to his/her biological parent and don't get involved unless something makes it really and really necessary to intervene or lend a helping hand.

This is not so much the case with younger children because they aren't rebellious and aren't looking for trouble.

Nazy financial security is a

Nazy financial security is a subject all of its own. There are plenty of middleaged women (Iranian and otherwise) who do not have enough skills or experience to carry on single life. You may have it, but not others.

This comes true especially in the case of Iranians women who are accustomed to bigger houses, throwing parties and stuff like that. Once they become alone they need that man to depend on. This isn't being man hater or woman basher. There just are those kind of women and as I said in one of my comments below, it is sad.

These women can make it on their own if they lower their standards to reality and rent a room somewhere but they can't, they want a man to "take care" of them. As you said it happened a lot in Iran and while you may not see people around you, it still happens more often than you would think.

And about not having experience since some women were married most of their lives, well you either need the experience or your head to think straight. If you can think straight and find your way out, you don't need the experience. Any mistake you make will be minimal and you can learn from it and move on without much heartaches.

But you can't have it both ways, you can't be inexperienced and want someone to "take care" of you at the same time. You can't be a teenager in your 40s or 50s. That's when you'll end up with multiple men neither of whom you can "land" for lack of a better word.

Love means never having to say you're sorry...

but if it is only about sex that's another story.

1-I believe we can't generalize here,since people might have different experiences of their own .

2-We always condemn men marrying youger women in cultures like ours,now suddenly we forget all about women's rights & condemn a man who has broken this so called taboo.

3-If he is young,goodlooking.... and has chosen an older women now,why do we assume he will leave her for a younger one,when he himself is older?!.

4-I agree with dear Nazy that children are always a problem in such cases.

5-Azadeh jaan I believe in what you said about her seeing a shrink.

My personal experience:

My late mother was older than my father,but they loved eachother & were married for more that 50 years.Still after more than 9 months after her death,everytime I talk to him on the phone,he cries when we talk about her.

All said,you can't enter a relationship with a calculator in your hand!!.

Nazy Jaan,great story as always.

sepaas

Security

Nazy Khanoum - a touch of insomnia and I got to read your post.

Living solo is great. We are always in agreement with ourselves. We see ourselves as we want to and portray ourselves to the world as we wish. And we fantasize about the other half. Who will it be? How wil lhe be? Dreams - fantasies - dolls in a dollhouse.

Relationships are like mirrors. As much as we may be in love with ourselves in a 'hard mirror', which is what a solo life offers, we still crave to see that reflection in someone else. We look for the person who would tell us we are OK, we are good, we are pretty and we 'love' the one who says and does the right things. And if the stars line up we will be doing the same for them also - telling them they are OK, they are good, pretty, whatever.

While all relationship start with the partners seeing each other more than just OK, many end up with , hmmm, 'just what was I thinking, or, 'whatever, he will do for now' and somewhere down the line the pain outweighs the pleasure and the parting. Heartaches and tears are next and then the explanation - he was this, she was that so on and so forth.

A relationship can be just as meaningful if it lasts a season than when it does a decade. Some encounters leave a mark for life and other entanglements leave us unscathed. We are raised to believe that longevity is somehow the benchmark for quality in a relationship. Oh, he worked for such and such a company for 30 years. She was married for 20 years. They are going out for 8 months. Time - the ultimate measure of 'success'. While time is of particular signifiance for a 'good and enjoyable' relationship, it is hardly the yardstick to measure misery! As far as that is concerned , the shorter the better.

In that regard, only of late have I come to the vista where I view each encounter , with man or woman as precious in its own right. We love, we let go, we grow, we change. We love, we commit, we are betrayed, we are abandoned, we mourn, we let go, we accept, we grow, we change, we morph. It happens inside of a long term relationship. It happens in a succession of short-llved relationships and it happens more than once if we insist on only one blueprint and if we resist change.

Security - such a loaded word. Children? The ultimate security blanket for woman or man alike. We have children. We support them, we love them unconditionally, we adore them, sacrifice any and all. What happens? They grow up , they leave. We mourn, we let go, we grow , we change.

Just exactly who is left behind after each separation? The same person - the self. That is the only security I believe we can ever hope to rely on. That is the person with whom the main relationship needs to be with. And once that self is in the happy place, we can enjoy the party of others, engage with them, enjoy them, love them, let them love us and realize this too shall pass. We love, we are loved, we enjoy, we cherish, we accept the blessing. The interaction runs its course - one day, one month or one decade, and just maybe one lifetime. We cleave, we are sad for a little while, we grow, we change. And the cycle begins again.

Self and Change - those are the only constants. The rest is - well - the rest.

Thanks for this blog. I have enjoyed it very much.

Nazy jan

thanks for your great blog and your very very intensive comment . I do agree with all your words. Nevertheless, I want to add to all you have said, the fact that  "financial security"  is a real factor of happiness between a couple, at least in some areas of the world like Iran, Europe now, and even Canada. I don't speak about wealth or rich husband/wife, I speak about having a normal safe life, with an average level of comfort. This is fundamentally important, especially for the " not so young" couples. I'm used to work with the " broken couples" sometimes and I see how many marriages are broken just due to the financial difficulties

Overall, I really enjoyed this topic. Thank you a lot for offering this occasion to us.

Your comments are great!

O.K. You guys. Man hating and woman bashing won't get us very far. Most men and women may be able to live without each other perfectly well, but with a little less joy! This series is written around the premise that we are looking for our princes and princesses, hence the frog kissing business! Having said that, I should say that though the thrill of finding "a good one" is incomparable to anything else, the pain of having missed one more time makes trying again that much harder.

I loved the "Oedipus Syndrom for Dummies" Anonymous Mnonymous! That was funny. Where to from here?

Zan Jan, like you, I was married most of my life, and when I talk about my pains and grief about starting new relationships, everyone is quick to point out to me "you feel that way because you are inexperienced," or "you are dealing with a generational gap," or worst of all, "you are repeating your old mistakes about men." It's funny because all the people dispensing such quick advice to me also seem to be suffering, and the ones who aren't suffering now, suffered A LOT before their frog turned into a prince or princess! I take all the punches on the chin, for I know if and when there is true love for each and every one of us, all of this would be funny memories and experience, for I may not know a lot about how to solve relationship problems, but I do know about love. The "other type of relationship" that Zan Amrikai and No Handbag reference is something I hear a lot about. "Just enjoy it," and "Just go for it." That's fine, but as Souri mentioned too, and as we can see in Sherri's case, this is all good until "happened difficulties!"

And a word about "security," which some people also referred to as "financial security." To be honest, these days I don't see many men or women around me who are seeking a partner to offer them financial security. Everybody works and they more or less manage their lives with reasonable standards and dignity. The type of security I am looking for, for example, has nothing to do with a man's money, his last name on my Iranian birth certificate (as in marriage), what kind of car he drives, and what his zip code is, for he is going to keep all of that to himself as far as I'm concerned. The security I seek is in the knowledge that he is not sleeping with a multitude of women as he and I are giving building a relationship a try, for I hate jealousy and I hate spending my time and energies in trying to "discover" such details about my partner's whereabouts and activities when he is not around me. The security many of us as mature adults, men or women, seek has more to do with how a potential partner interacts with our children from previous marriages and whether he is capable of helping us maintain a degree of peace in our lives and among our many responsibilities and constituents. It has more to do with how capable he or she is of "meshing" with our circle of established friends who are dear and important to us. I might be wrong in assuming that others think like me, too, but I don't know of anyone around me who is talking about "finding a rich husband," something I used to hear a lot in Iran.

I can't thank you guys enough for helping this very interesting conversation along. I feel some of your posts have been a lot more valuable than my humble original piece here and I thank you for helping record your collective reflections for others to see and I hope that this can help them. Carry on, please!

Teapot

That comment was for you.

I wish you'd elaborate a little

Is that right?

(With all due respect to all the ladies in this blog)

That should not be a problem since most men do appreciate what women bring after they walk past the table and into the room next to the table.

Anonymous Mmonymous

Your post was hilarious!  :^)

Oedipus!

Freud was nuts! I don’t have a PhD so I can’t prove it, but here is my understanding of his mental disorder, he once read the story of Oedipus, which goes something like this: Oedipus was a mythical (not a real one) Greek king that fulfilled a prophecy that predicted that he would unknowingly kill his father and marry his mother. To prevent this from happening he was given to a herdsman to kill him, they do this after his feet were bound together and pierced with a stake. I mean come on, how much does it take to kill a baby? Why didn't they just pierce his heart instead of his feet? As Doctor Evil’s son told him once, when he was going to kill Austin Power with an elaborate set up, “Just let me kill him. I go get my gun and shoot him in the head and boom it’s done.” But no, the big bad king of Thebes couldn’t even kill a baby, even though the baby was going to grow up and one day kill him and marry his wife. So, they gave him to a herdsman to do the job. Come on again, why did they give the baby to a herdsman? Why didn’t they give him to an executioner, a murderer, a ruthless general, or a child molester? I don’t know, these stories don’t make any sense to me! That’s why I could never become a psychologist, or believe in it.

But anyway back to the story, what does the herdsman do? As it is the norm in most stories like this he takes pity on the boy and passes his problem to another guy, another herdsman, who gives the baby to another king. How kosher! This is so kosher that makes me want to believe that the story was written by the Jews, and not by the Greeks. So now this other king adopts the baby as his own son and raises him as the crowned prince of his kingdom. At this point one has to be a complete retard to believe in this story. How in hell a boy is adapted from a shepherd and becomes a prince? Imagine this, no insult is intended but this is the only contemporary and practical example I can come up with, the future king of Iran doesn’t have a male heir to his thrown so he adapts a son abandoned in a dumpster at the local McDonald’s, and he raises him to be the next king of Iran and everyone is fine with it. How believable is this scenario? Back to the story again, eventually when Oedipus grows up he finds out who his real father is and about the prophecy to kill him and marry his mother. At this time any sane man would’ve said no way, especially a highly educated prince. He could have said O.K. killing my father is one thing, for torturing me as a child and attempting to kill me, but marry my own mother. No way dude. What do you know; he does exactly what I just said and prefers to leave the kingdom.

But from here on the story even gets more weirder (that’s how non-PhD people talk). He end up unknowingly killing his biological father over a dispute over a crossroad right of way! (Yeah right!), and then he solves a riddle put forth by a sphinx that would eat you if you didn’t answer correctly. Nobody had solved the riddle yet, the sphinx ate anyone who didn’t answer correctly, that meant no money from tourism was flowing into the kingdom and nobody ever bothered to take a bow and arrow and shoot the miserable creature. But anyway, to make the story short (shorter), Oedipus solves the riddle and the sphinx commits suicide, I don’t know why, the sphinx could have just ate Oedipus and said nope the answer was incorrect, since no one knew what the correct answer was. But anyway again, the king is dead, the sphinx is dead, revenue from tourism is growing, the king’s widow is ovulating, so why not solve a whole bunch of problems with one shot; make Oedipus the new king, have him marry the widow (his mother), and have them produce four children, at least two of them boys to take over the kingdom in the future.

I skip the rest of the story because it does not relate to Freud’s Oedipus Complex, which goes something like this: between the ages of 3-5 children feel sexual desires for the parent of the opposite sex and desire the death of the parent of the same sex. That’s why I say Freud was nuts. Now never mind that up until I was sixteen I thought sex was something between a man and a chicken, but consider this: how in hell anyone would know for sure what goes on in the heads of three-year old children, short of hooking him up with one of those helmets with electrode wires sticking out of their heads and getting a readings from sexual parts of their brains? This theory is just amazing to me, but it makes a good subject for laughter.

@ mrlayl on Thu Nov 13, 2008

@ mrlayl on Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:52 PM PST

There lies in the problem. Men don't have the intelligence to appreciate or comprehend what women bring to the table. If they did, there wouldn't be so many problems.

Zan Amrikai

Glad you like the handle. I personally love it as it has so much promise. "Too many handbags, Not enough Time"! Possibly my handle for Nazy's next story?! ;)

I have many handbags, and each signify a milestone of sorts and not all are representative of the men in my life. This blog is making me think that there may be a bag in waiting if a relationship such as you describe were to come my way. I must say, up till very recently I have followed a rather, dare I say, 'prudish' approach to mating - conventional and rebellion. You seem to offer a third approach which is the voice of peace - happiness - not to prove anything to anybody including self but yet simply to 'be'. Perhaps operating out of the box is called for. A 30 year dry spell would certainly qualify for having acquired great insight to self and surrounding.

Again, we are all products of our background. As such the parent/child relationship is the blueprint against which all if not most of us operate in our adult relationships. And since most of us have 'some' form of dysfunctionality in our childhood - the possibilties of ensuing relationships and their well being or lack there of seem endless. Or so we think.

I read somewhere though there really are merely 7 types of relationships among humans. Many of us only experience one or two types. In latter years when divorce has become less taboo and more 'affordable' and women now have an income - they are free to explore other types of relationships - if they allow themselves. Many of us insist on repeating the same relationship type - compulsively. The blueprint is hard coded in the Persian psyche and specifically in the female psyche. So, she seeks the same over and over again and she 'hides' her other life - the one she is loving and the one which has the promise to set her free. Hence the story of Sherri. She won't come out with Pedram although deep down that relationship is the most satisfying and that is where her 'happy place' is. Rather she is looking for a 'socially' acceptable relationship - with longevity - one she can flaunt. I believe all relationships have a shelf life - some are longer than others but they ALL end eventually. It seems to me that a typical Persian woman would rather be perceived as 'devoted and committed to a long term and 'stable' (whatever that could possibly mean in this day and age) relationship than one where she truly experiences liberation of the soul; even if it were to last but a season. As such since Sherri 'fears' Pedram leaving because of the age gap, she may be hiding him or abandoning him prematurely, rationalizing her actions based on the age gap. Afterall which is worse for the typical Sherri living in the high rise with the posh car? Be embarrassed in front of her friends to be left by Pedram after a season or two with nothing but a reputation - or just keep him in the closet like the 'pocket rocket'?

And what exactly do women bring to the table?

You say:

"Young or old, men don't have much to offer to women except sex"

Yes and a No, More like a no....

I did it twice.

I am sorry that you had to deal with that. If i may say so, for the lack of a better word, as french would say, Jerk. He was! I know you loved him. Believe it or not, my american friends used to tell me the same thing, that she should feel lucky and all that. I could't careless. I had my own feelings, didn't care much what everybody else said.

I don't know what to say on that last part, since i am not a sex-minded kinda guy, when thinking about forming a bond with the opposite sex. I usually expect other things first.

I realize all of that

Zan amrkai
But that is exactly what i am saying.

Lets's go over this:
you realized that after 30 years of marriage and a divorce you were still capable of loving again. Great. That is just wonderful. However, Regardless of what you were going infor, You got what you wanted from this relationship at the end, you restored your own confidence in knowing that ok. i can do this thing.
Please don't take my comments the wrong way, and I don't want to judge whether you were selfish or not, But once you realized that fact, that ended everything for you and all you needed was a nice way and peaceful way out.
he may have wanted kids "someday" but what if he could not? what if he married someone younger and even she could not give him children? I respect the fact that you respect this right for a man to want to form a family one day, but what if he does not want to exercise that right? i mean who is the final decision maker, you or him?

MY ex used to tell me the same things, while deep down underneath it all she wanted out, Big time, like that same moment she was telling me all that stuff. yeah, it was that urgent. It was not because i was a cheater, or an abuser, or anything like that. She wanted to be solo, just like she had always been up to that point in her life. Anyways.

Look forward to more postings:)