Islam Light


Islam Light
by Shazde Asdola Mirza

Yes, you guessed right: I’m a light-beer drinker. I like the taste, the gesture and the socializing, but don’t want the entire toxin.

Well, back to Islam. Some friends, who didn’t know their Roko’s from their Sojods, suggested that Islam should be reformed. Who better than yours truly? An expert Islamotherapist, at your service.

A – Axiomatic Beliefs   

1. There is no god but Allah … more or less.  

2. Mohammad is the prophet of Allah … “a” not “the”.  

3. There is an afterlife … perhaps.

B – Central Rituals   

1. Prayers 5 times a day … if you like.  

2. Fasting for a month … optional.  

3. Khoms (fifth) … where tax deductable.  

4. Zakat (alms) … to real charities only!  

5. Hajj trip … or other worthy destinations.

C – Key Traditions   

1. Don’t drink alcohol … a lot.  

2. Don’t eat pork … too much.  

3. Women to cover … if ugly.  

4. No shaving … on weekends.  

5. No music … above 80 db.  

6. No pictures … of pornography.  

7. Four wives … if you’re crazy.   

PS: I didn’t spend any time on the Shiite non-sense, as it was mostly empowered by angry Iranians intent on crapping all over Islam and getting even with the Arabs! Sadly, once you create a lot of crap, you’ve got to live with it.


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Shazde Asdola Mirza

Divaneh dear

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

حالا ما یه اشتباهی‌ کردیم، شما لطف کنید و ببخشید!


یک بوم و دو هوا


شازده جان ما در کار شما حیران شدیم. اون آقای مهمان میگه با شما آبجوی بادوایزر تگری می زده و شما از این طرف نوع آبکی اش را تبلیغ می کنید. شما هم که مثل آخوندها یک چیزی را برای بقیه توصیه می کنی و چیز دیگری را برای خودت. نشد که بشه

Shazde Asdola Mirza

همون یه فتوای خمینی رو هنوز نتونستن اجرا کنن

Shazde Asdola Mirza

MM jan, they haven't been able to execute even the first Khomeini fatwa on Salman Rushdie (Sir Ahmed) ... so the rest of us still have some time in the queue!

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Yes, Anon. Obser, you are right

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

اسلام و ایران بطور "متقابل"‌ خدمت هم رسیده اند!

Shazde Asdola Mirza

نوش جون هر دو دوست

Shazde Asdola Mirza

مخملی با کیشمیش و مهمان با آبج.


You are right sir,

by Mehman on

East or West, Light is best!

کلاه مخملی

نه عزیز ... :)

کلاه مخملی

با عرق کیشمیش ..... !



Anonymous Observer

Shazdeh - That's because Abu Hanifa was Iranian!

by Anonymous Observer on

I don't know if you know this or not, but the founder of the Hanafi sect was Iranian of Zoroastrian ancestry.  Perhaps that's why he was more culturally liberal than others:


Ahhhhh, the things that we have done for Islam. :-))) 


SAM - really funny stuff

by MM on

We said reform it, not turn it upside down and **** on it.

I bet you that the Islamic-Anti-Defecation-League is busy writing a fautwa on you.

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Thanks Agha-Irani and Anonymous Observer

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

I am glad that you've enjoyed.

On the Shia roots in Iranian Resistance after the Arab invasion, there is little doubt. However, if I had to choose only one, I would have gone for the Hanafi school, which puts a greater emphasis on the role of reason and is more liberal than the others.

But then again, forget about all those Old Schools ... join the IL and have some fun!

Shazde Asdola Mirza

کلاه مخملی

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Absolutely not my friend - that's where I draw the line!

No, never and can't do, Mast va Khiar ba Abejo!

Hereby, the first commandment is amended as follows:

"Thou shall not have Mast va Khiar, except with vodka!"

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Dear Divaneh

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

The Light Beer part is completely optional. The God part is optional too, because it says "one god ... more or less" ;-)


شیر بی یال و دم و اشکم که دید


شازده جون آخه این دیگه چه جور مذهبیه که آدم حق انتخاب هم داره. خدایش هم که انگار پشمش ریخته و همه اش مشغول تبصره صادر کردنه. ولی دستت درد نکنه که عجب مذهبی درست کردی به استثنای آن مورد شش قسمت آخر و آن آبجوی آبکی که خوردنش معصیت دارد 

کلاه مخملی


کلاه مخملی

ماس و خيار يادت نره :)







by Agha_Irani on

nice thoughts, nice blog and nice posts!

Makes a change on IC!!


Anonymous Observer

Shazdeh- This is funny

by Anonymous Observer on

I do have to point out though that the "pay for your sins or omissions"--as in actual money to some mullah or "haram" that will end up in the hands of mullahs- is mostly a Shia invention.  Sunnis really don't have such things.  You either pray when you have to or you don't, and if you don't...then you will either end up in hell or a Taliban brother will chop your head off.  I guess in a sense Shiism,  which is product of a a more tolerant and progressive Iranian culture (relatively speaking in terms of religion) is superior in that respect because it allows the poor soul who missed two bending over and praying sessions in one day to keep his head on his shoulders. :-)

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Technically, it's lipstick on a camel

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

Faramarz jan: thanks for the read and the insightful comment. You are 100% right, Islam Light was even nicely practiced in pre-revolutionary Iran.

Shazde Asdola Mirza

دوستان عزیز، متشکرم

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Dear Persian W: much appreciation for your kind comment. On the personal versus social religion issue, I have to sober up and get serious now. For someone like yourself, an independent and enlightened person, the ideals of religion can be understood and practiced at the personal level, with or without a formal creed. However, for the huge masses of people who make up this earth, social and organized religion has been a chronic need. And yes, where there is a need, there is a product!

Cyclic and Maryam: you are most kind and friendly - thanks.


Putting Lipstick on a Pig!

by Faramarz on

Thank you Shazde for your futile attempt to update Islam by creating a light, low calorie or vegetarian version!

The lighter version of Islam is actually being practiced in more diverse and tolerant countries like Singapore, India and Indonesia. But, it doesn't have a prayer in the Arab world.

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Dear Hamsade

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

All the good things in life are light. It is great to seek the middle ground, have fun and peace out. Only if they let us!

Shazde Asdola Mirza

کاپیتان عزیز

Shazde Asdola Mirza

زیاد جوش نزن، شیرت خشک میشه!

Real McCoy

JJ can get rich sooner than he thinks

by Real McCoy on

Simply by imposing fines on people who commit WUI, which stands for "Writing Under Influence" of a substance.

Are you an attention seeker? 

hamsade ghadimi

that was a light read,

by hamsade ghadimi on

that was a light read, shazdeh.  perfect for lightweights like me when it comes to the topic of religion. 

interstingly, during the 2000 u.s. elections, in the republican primary, there was a great deal of talk on "flat tax."  a tax of the same rate for all, at 20%, or what we call khoms.  yes, bush, forbes, maccain et al. wanted to enforce khoms on americans. 

secondly, all the "don'ts" in islam comes with a footnote.  as in, "don't do ...., but if you do,...."  usually in form of a payment to the mullah.  much like the catholic confessional which the devout after confessing to the worst crimes to his priest leaves the confessional booth and makes a donation.  khomeini made many of these footnotes explicit in his tozihalmasaael.

Maryam Hojjat

I like Persian Westender's Idial of Islam

by Maryam Hojjat on

SA, I enjoyed you light Islam but I think and like to have it like PW.

persian westender

Drink it in the "pastoo"

by persian westender on

Thanks shazdeh! I myself was looking forward to write about what I think of an Ideal Islam, according to my own standards. Of course, at times when I become upset about impact of Islamic extremism on various global matters; I start to depict what I expect of Islam usually in a lame and inaccurate way.

My illustration of ideal Islam, however is not what I assume as a belief for myself. I personally do not believe in Islam in any form (as well as in any other religion for that matter) and with any alcoholic supply as you put. Rather it is what I expect to see of Islam of others, if it is to thrive or it is supposed to be appreciated by me.

So, to draw on your analogy of “light beer”, I rather not to drink at all. 

But I tell you what I like a drinker to look like: “No Social drinking at all”. Religion should be absolutely a personal and private matter. No indication of social practice of religion should be allowed. Social practice of religions including Islam can be the root of many problems; let alone the state mixed up with religion.

In my ideal format of Islam, there is no Islamic institution of any kind, including mosques or other places for ceremonies of aggregate practice. Through this scenario, Islam may tolerate other ideologies much better, because it is an individualist Islam, not a social institution to gain momentum in order to govern others. And above all it is the faith/belief considered to be not any better than others. Only a shot among many others in the liquor store.    



really funny

by cyclicforward on

good one SA. It does make a lot of sense.