The Unasked Question: Are You Interested?

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msabaye
by msabaye
08-Apr-2012
 

I was at lunch with a group of co-workers when someone began broadcasting all about his wife's aunt. She was not an extraordinary person by any measure. She hadn't done anything spectacular other than being a bit on the nosy side. The more I heard, the less I understood why he was talking about her to people like me, who had never met his wife, let alone his wife's aunt. We ended hearing to his monologue for ten or fifteen minutes -though it felt like eternity- on all details of what she does and what she doesn't.

Nobody reacted, nobody asked a question, everyone continued eating while staring at the food in front of them. Well, if that is not a clear indication of "I couldn't care less", what is?

I was at someone's place for one and a half day, when he talked nonstop about his parents. There was nothing unusual, as in noteworthy, about them. They were two aged people living an ordinary life. By the end of my stay, I knew their preferences, their most trivial likes and dislikes (pillows, cut of bread, maps, you name it). I tried changing the subject a few times, once or twice I unconsciously rose and left the table, I never asked one single question, but to no avail. My knowledge of the parents became sufficient to write a book (a life study) on them except that I wasn't interested, and I was sure that nobody else would be. Needless to say, I never went back for a visit.

Why is it that some people never stop to think whether the subject of their monologues is of any interest to the listener? I am puzzled at what to do about people talking nonstop about their teapot (yes, really), the squirrel on their cousin's neighbour's side of the fence, the number of flowers on an outfit they owned twenty years ago, and the old subject of their genius children, to name a few. In some cases, I guess there is no solution but to walk away (as I did with my friend), but quite often that is not an option.

How do you communicate to the megalomaniacs, who think whatever crosses their minds has to be shared at the highest volume to everyone around them, that nobody is interested, or at least, you are not interested? Remember, I live in Canada, where the national moto on decorum is, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." And if you do, what are the chances of their hearing you? Basically, is there a way to stop being captive audience without being rude? Do share.

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more from msabaye
 
alimostofi

I found this quote: "Silence

by alimostofi on

I found this quote:

"Silence is an attribute of the dead; he who is alive speaks"

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi


anglophile

Mostofi joon now I know why you are who you are:

by anglophile on

   Myrtle Reed: "Silence and reserve will give anyone a reputation for wisdom"     LOL 

Siavash300

Un-wanted talk. How to deal with it?

by Siavash300 on

What we see when the person is obssessed with one subject? The person is in vicious cycle of repeating again and again the same subject with no regard to the interest of the listener. What is the problem?

We just see a tip of iceburg. We don't see the deep "unfinished business". The issue is much deeper than what we see on the surface. It is dramatic, outrages event in the person's mind which may have no value for the listener. In short term, This is how to deal with it.

A. Paraphrasing = This technique is just repeating whatever the talker is saying. For example,the talker says: "My parents are really getting on my nerve". you repeat exact the phrase "Your parents are really getting on your nerve".  

B. Reflection of feeling = This technique may be a little harder. just reflect whatever vibs you are receiving. In the above example, the listener might says : Seems your parents are really make you "mad" or "Seems your parent are really make you happy" or whatever feeling you're at that time. It is just a "Vibs". Detect the feeling and reflect that feeling back to the talker. This is a brief remedy for them to ease off their symptoms.

At the end, you should refer the friend or co-worker to the therapist for furthur consideration.

Unfortunately, therpay is not valued in Iranian culture. They view the person who seek actively therapy as a person who is not in touch with reality or they may look down at the them. Therapy is usually associated with the stigma of being "basket case". The person afraid to carry that stigma. That individual may say ....come on I am not crazy.

   In Iranian culture, if the person facing dramatic event in life, he/she prefer to share those feelings with next door neighbore or close friend. Those neighbors or friends are not professional and most of the time they can NOT help. They just get bored like truthseeker9. They may think the talkers intese speech as a sign of  "selfishness" or they may lable them "ego-centeric" which is compeletly wrong interpretation.  As truthseeker9 said; they usually avoid to provide any help because that is NOT their job.

My advise is you just refer them to the therapist, but make sure the therapist is licensed.  

Siavash


Truthseeker9

...

by Truthseeker9 on


alimostofi

Here are some sayings:

by alimostofi on

Here are some sayings:

Myrtle Reed: "Silence and reserve will give anyone a reputation for wisdom"

Kahlil Gibran: "I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers"

Anne Austin: "How can a heart suffer your deepest thoughts and yet only speak the unmoving, inconsequential utterances of abject silence?"

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi


Truthseeker9

People who sap others energy

by Truthseeker9 on

I used to feel sorry for people who just want to talk about themselves or just about topics they are interested in, thinking they  are lonely etc. Like an elderly neighbour who wants you to accompany them to a venue but never ask if they can return the favour, you are only called on if they need you for something of interest to them. Or a co-worker who just talks about themselves  but shows little interest in you or others. There is one person at work that is driving me crazy and at the end of the day this person's domination of the air space is selfish, whether it is out of insecurity, loneliness etc. These people draw energy from those around them which fatigues you, and in return the listener gets nothing. Perhaps on the first occasion one cannot do anything but endure the boring nonsense, but if they call you on the phone or if you meet them again, just nip things in the bud. I make an excuse that I am on my way out, in a hurry, ... to leave. Believe me, to tell these people they are selfish or boring will only make them defensive.        :)


Siavash300

Mr. Anglo.., I can't stop laughing the joke

by Siavash300 on

It was very funny. I checked alimostofi blog and just can't stop laughing. omg, "msabaye" should check that blog LOL.....


Arj

Pest control!

by Arj on

Anglo, stop flattering yourself! Pest infestation does not compare to hostage situation!!!

P.S. My apologies to msabaye for unrelated comment!


anglophile

It's funny YOU should say that Arj!

by anglophile on

"spending extensive time at someone's place who might be on a totally different wavelength than ones' self is another! It's like deliberately putting oneself in a hostage situation!" - Arj

 

You of all people spend most if not all of your time on this site in the company of people who are on a totally different wavelength than yours!!!

 

Have you, by any chance, a hostage complex old boy?

 

LOL 


Arj

Hostage situation!

by Arj on

My personal remedy would be to avoid being put in such positions. For sitting through boring lunch time conversations is one thing, and spending extensive time at someone's place who might be on a totally different wavelength than ones' self is another! It's like deliberately putting oneself in a hostage situation!


alimostofi

Two voices.

by alimostofi on

Yeah you are right. I think some people do just what I did. Some people think out loud. Usually they are talking to themselves aloud.

Sorry. I was rude. But a dialogue can be of two voices in your own head. After all Zoroaster was the first to say of this. Man has thr free will to choose between the two voices.

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi


Reality-Bites

Interesting

by Reality-Bites on

You ask what my definition of lonely is, then you immediately decide I mean solitude without waiting for an answer!

 

Regardless, enough talk from me.... I'm starting to turn into one of the people who talks incessantly.

alimostofi

Solitude

by alimostofi on

What is your definition of lonely. Because most people are lonely because they are not in touch with anyone. If you don't talk or write or communicate in some way you are in solitude. You mean solitude.

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi


Reality-Bites

Quietness

by Reality-Bites on

does not necessarily signify loneliness, just as being talkative and extrovert does not necessarily mean one is not lonely,


alimostofi

Some people are lonely but

by alimostofi on

Some people are lonely but the lonely ones are usually the quiet ones. It is unlikely that an extrovert sits at home all day. Now you do get people who chat quietly a lot and are introverts. Just look at the quiet women in Iran whispering under their chadors.
Just watch a scorpio and a pisces. Then compare them to an aries sagittarius or worse still two loud mouths like a gemini and an aquarian.

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi


Reality-Bites

I'm thinking maybe

by Reality-Bites on

There are issues somewhat deeper than some people simply being motor mouths who talk non-stop about things.

Maybe some people have that most fundamental human need to communicate with other people, even about the most mundane subjects, because no one in their own families really listens to them or because of some other emotional/psychological reason.  Doesn't necessarily follow they are megalomaniacs.

I know someone at my work who talks about every subject under the sun. I also know that person to be very lonely in his personal life.....

 As for this moto: "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."  

Ah, the pressure of always having to say "nice" things. Don't know about you, but I'd find it an intolerably monotonous and mind numbing life if everyone went round saying only "nice" things to each other all the time.


Anonymous Observer

Yeah...the Professor is right

by Anonymous Observer on

who talks about loving, and caring for, cats and dgos, and even fish, so much on IC...such a waste of time:

//iranian.com/main/albums/lucky-dogs

//iranian.com/main/blog/mohammad-ala/kindness-mahi-ghermez-changing-tradition

//iranian.com/main/blog/mohammad-ala/cat-sanctuary-iran

Oops, almost forgot the cheetah:

//iranian.com/main/albums/rescue-mission

And also, who would take the time to complain about something personal that happened to him back in 1998, and something personal that happened to him on Wikipedia, in the comments section on IC over and over, and over and over....

//iranian.com/main/blog/iloveiran/ross-mirkarimi-forbidden-secrets

 

 


Mohammad Ala

Take a look at...

by Mohammad Ala on

.... some of the blogs to know who likes to talk about their dog, for example.

There is not enough time to do everything in a day, therefore no time to talk or spend an hour for lunch.


Republican جمهوریخواه

........

by Republican جمهوریخواه on

As a reticent person, I've been mistaken for a good listener in many painful situations.................If Darwin is right, mankind will develop the biological and anatomical ability to flag others......and yet better to delete them......or  block them..............sort of a facebookish button to defriend........

I like your writings, and I can definitely relate to this one..........thanks. 

 


alimostofi

And Mr A is my

by alimostofi on

And Mr A is my witness.

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi


anglophile

Here is the answer to you question

by anglophile on

  "How do you communicate to the megalomaniacs, who think whatever crosses their minds has to be shared at the highest volume to everyone around them, that nobody is interested, or at least, you are not interested?"     Just see the number of comments left for Mostofi here:      //iranian.com/main/blog/alimostofi/astrology-full-moon-farvardin-or-aries-2012     Zilch!   

alimostofi

I am guilty of being exactly

by alimostofi on

I am guilty of being exactly what you say. I get criticized for being a non-stop motor mouth.

But I have a very astrological explanation for why I am the way I am. Astrology also explains people like you.

Humans work in pairs. The energy needs to go from my types to your types. Or you draw out the energy.

@alimostofi
FB: astrologer.alimostofi