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What a Trip Israel is (1)
03-Jan-2011
A Fictional Story about Ari’s Upcoming Trip to the Holy Land
Ari has been frustrated with his on-again, off-again fully-paid trip to the Holy Land. The Israeli Consulate was giving him the run-around and blaming the budget cuts and the labor strife for the delays. The Iranian.com readers were anxiously waiting for the fact finding trip and the reportage. They had already submitted lots of questions to Ari and wanted his unbiased opinions. Ari finally got on the phone and called Senator Feinstein’s office and complained. A day later the Israeli Consul General called Ari himself.
“Shalom Ari! I sincerely apologize for all the delays. I have your ticket to Ben Gurion here in front of me. We also have hotel and meal vouchers for you. You are all set to go!”
“That’s great news! My readers at Iranian.com were getting restless. Is the ticket round-trip?
“Actually, no! You will get your return ticket in Israel. We had a problem with some of our visitors on these free trips hopping off the plane in London and never go to Israel! You know, the Jewish people sometimes get too smart for their own good! Just call El Al’s call center and they will take care of it for you.”
A week later, Ari hauled his suitcase through the dark and narrow hallways at LAX to get to El Al counter. A security guard with an Uzi looked him over suspiciously. An agent greeted him. “It will be $100 baggage fee, $50 for cavity search, $50 for interrogation and $20 departure fee! Visa or Master Card?”
“This free trip is getting expensive and I haven’t even left California!” Ari thought to himself.
At 35,000 feet and flying over the Rockies, Ari was sandwiched in a middle seat in between two Farsi-speaking Mosad agents. “Mr. Ari, I see that you speak fluent Farsi. Have you ever thought about going back to Iran and help topple the Regime? We can help you with the logistics. If you know what I mean!”
“I am a peaceful person and don’t like guns or violence; bows and arrows only!”
“Sir, would you like chicken and couscous for dinner? That would be $15.” The stewardess asked. “I have a meal voucher from the Consulate. Here.” Ari handed the voucher to her. “I am sorry sir! This voucher is only good for non-kosher meals. Everything is kosher on this flight per Rabbi Rubenstein’s supervision. $15 please.”
Ari and the 10-member California delegation cleared the Customs at Ben Gurion and met their Palestinian minibus driver Rasool by the curb-side. “Welcome to the Occupied Palestine Dear Americans! Let me have your vouchers and $10 luggage fee per person.”
“Mr. Rasool, I am one of the Iranian brothers! We give you millions of dollars every month. Why the $10 charge?” Ari asked. “Welcome brother! That money goes to Hamas. I switched sides last year and now PA pays me. My cousins in Gaza get the Iranian money. They all drive brand new Mercedes Benzes; couldn’t get the family-size Benz through the tunnel, they had to settle for the sports model!”
Ari continued the interview with Rasool as he drove through the narrow and crowded East Jerusalem streets. “Are you sure this is the right way? This place looks very dangerous.” Ari was worried. Then all of a sudden a group of young kids with rocks in their hands jumped in front of the minibus.
“Don’t worry my dear American passengers. The school is out so the kids are on the streets making some money. I see my 12-year old son Osama in there. Let me see what he says!”
“Hey Osama come here and say hi to the Americans! Americans are good people. We like Americans not their foreign policy.” Rasool talked to his son for a minute. “He says 50 Shekel per passenger. What’s the exchange rate Osama?”
The minibus stops in front of Jerusalem Motel 6. Ari says good bye to Rasool and goes to check-in counter.
“Mr. Ari, welcome! My name is Jasem. Would you like the upper bed or the lower one?”
“I am sorry Jasem, I don’t understand.” Ari looked puzzled. “Your voucher is good for a room with 2 bunker beds; two people on top, two in the bottom!”
“I need my own room. I cannot shack up with three other people. I am an Iranian brother. Can you help me out?”
“It is the peak season here. All the Moldovan families are staying at the hotel. But just for you, my Iranian brother, $150 per night. I even throw in the free access to the Hospitality Suite on the top floor. Make sure you get there early for Friday Lunch Buffet. We get a good view of the Temple Mount. It is the best place to watch the police beat up protesters after Friday prayers!”
Ari got a good night sleep and was getting ready for a busy day of fact finding. But first he had to call El Al and make sure that his return ticket was ok. He called the El Al’s call center. A guy with thick Arabic accent answered the phone.
“Good morning El Al, this is Yehuda, how can I help you?”
“Salaamon Alaikom, this is Ari. I am one of the Iranian brothers. Can you help me with my ticket?”
“Of course brother, just call me Nazeem. Let me check your reservation…..I see, you got one of the free tickets by the Consulate. The next available seat is in 2 months!”
“But I need to get back in a week. I need your help brother. We support you guys you know.”
“It is the peak season and the Moldovans got all the seats. There is only one way that I can bump somebody and give you priority. If you sign a contract with the government and move into a large 4-bedroom house in the occupied West Bank in the next 6 months, I can get you a ticket anytime you want. The only catch is that you have to get married and have at least 8 kids!”
“You know, I have learned everything that I needed to learn about here. Just give me a ticket on the first flight out whatever it costs! I am getting out of here!”
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Thank You Arti Intelli
by Faramarz on Sat Jan 08, 2011 02:29 PM PSTNo first-hand knowledge of the Israeli society, but as Chauncy Gardner said in "Being There", "I like to watch!"
Good Creative Writing!
by Artificial Intelligence on Fri Jan 07, 2011 05:26 PM PSTI read the 2nd one as well. Very funny. You have good knowledge of the subject matter and Israeli society:))))))))
Good story telling! I wonder which femme fatale will greet Ari!
by Esfand Aashena on Tue Jan 04, 2011 11:27 AM PSTEverything is sacred
Yeah
by statira on Tue Jan 04, 2011 09:05 AM PSTIt needs to be more X-Rated. Show more skin, Ari jan!
Good story Faramarz but Ari is right, more romance is needed
by Anahid Hojjati on Tue Jan 04, 2011 04:53 AM PSTFaramarz jan, I liked the story but Ari is right. second part needs more romance and sex in it. How about Ari falling in love with an Arab Muslim girl and deciding to marry her. She will be asking him to become Muslim at least on the surface and change his name to Abdollah.
war and peace
by humanbeing on Tue Jan 04, 2011 02:11 AM PSTa shame you have to associate a chapter of your romantic biography every time you see an image of war. but she was right.
maybe our friends on here can think of some better options for the remaining nights.
and now for the unserious part -- sorry to all you kind dentists and lovers of berlin: if your trip were to a sophisticated/perverted city like berlin, you may run into a classified ad like i ran into when i was there, and went through the the classifieds in local feuilleton to drink in some entertaining couleur locale: there was in the 'special section' an ad for 'full servicing by a uniformed dental professional, including chair, accessories, and real working dental equipment, 500 dm per session'.
this marathon man fantasy creeped me out, and at first i thought i didn't understand the german. i had a local read it and corroborate my translation.
i concluded then and there that there are some things almost as bad as war, and people choose them voluntarily.
lets hope the people in israel, the people in iran, and their neighbours, near and far, use their freedom of choice and opt for peace and chase chicks and guys.
there will always be those who simply cannot manage without the creepy violence. let's send them on factfinding missions to locales where they can find their outlet in voluntary play, and let the rest of us live in peace.
humanbeing
by Ari Siletz on Tue Jan 04, 2011 01:36 AM PSTkosher meal
by humanbeing on Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:51 PM PSTokay, they ordered a kosher meal for ari for the flight,
and moldovan bedfellows in the youth hostel room.
maybe he gets a catch 22: EITHER the occupied territory wife with the 8 kids OR a female IDF officer in full uniform and weaponry. and that's for the first night... turn it into 1001 nights
Is it me?!
by Monda on Mon Jan 03, 2011 11:12 PM PSTI re-read this story. I cracked up at about every other sentence. But I can't tie together the entire blog!! But since Ari and Divaneh and others found it hilarious, I think I should try it again in the morning. How can it be that I cannot fully comprehend Faramarz's blog on Ari's trip?! May my unconscious help me out in form of a dream or something before my next read.
Framarz:
by G. Rahmanian on Tue Jan 04, 2011 12:03 AM PSTJust call me Uncle G! G Hefner va bene pero G Fabio e migliore.
LOOOOOLLL
by Doctor mohandes on Mon Jan 03, 2011 07:31 PM PSTDamet Vaghean garm...
The references you made to the moldovans cracked me up :))
So you guys are talking about shaking things up and Get haj agha ari in trouble ??...
I'd say it is wonderful. Thebest idea would be for Yasser:)) or the Taxi shoofer , to find out from them if they have any sisters or cousins . I can just imagine the conversation with their thick arabic accent.
I also like that part about the driver switching sides.
Ay dokhtaraye dame bakht... don't let this talneted writer get away... beshetabeed akhe baba...heyfe.
Famke Janssen, best Russian spy
by Ari Siletz on Mon Jan 03, 2011 07:02 PM PSTUse this Bond scene as an instructional video and you can learn to handle any Russian spy.
Fairness for Ari
by divaneh on Mon Jan 03, 2011 06:37 PM PSTFaramarz Jaan thanks for this funny account of Ari trip. I think you need to be fair to him. Being with Russian spies is not that safe man. He needs something like meeting a woman who turns back and says "Hello, my name is Shideh and I normally sleep on the first night, what's yours?"
Oh, I can't stop laughing Faramarz Jaan
by Bavafa on Mon Jan 03, 2011 06:30 PM PSTAnd for Ari's sake, I hope his trip turns up with fewer kids
Mehrdad
The Spy Who Loved me!
by Faramarz on Mon Jan 03, 2011 06:29 PM PSTAri,
It is not my fault brother man!
You made your trip to Israel very academic and scientific! And I followed along.
But, as G. Rahmanian (we need a better name for you man! How about G. Fabio or G. Hefner!) and Statira pointed out this is the first part. We can inject some sexy Russian spies in there. It will get steamy real fast! Enjoy your trip!
Ari's story needs more Romance!
by statira on Mon Jan 03, 2011 06:14 PM PSTto attarct chicks. Something like, Ari spent a night with an Israeli girl, and the next day she left him for a pot-belly, wealthy Arab sheikh.
Not Fair!
by G. Rahmanian on Mon Jan 03, 2011 06:06 PM PSTI agree. But dear Ari, be patient. This is only the first part. It seems you're there for a while.
Conclusion:Faramarz&majority here are not excited about D trip!
by Jonny Dollar on Mon Jan 03, 2011 05:29 PM PSTAt least that's how I read it from reading these diplomatic languages (and not many comments) by your fans who cannot say it openly. Seems they love you too much to see you go. AMRE BE MAROOF VA NAHI AZ MONKAR? I might be wrong though. Don't listen to them (us), it is not any of our business.After all, you are not going there on our behalf (it is your private trip). Just use your good judgement! Ari jaan, enjoy the bumpy ride after you land.
"God is love!"
Hopefully Ari learns that you get what you pay for :-)
by MM on Mon Jan 03, 2011 05:01 PM PST.
Not enough sex in this plot!
by Ari Siletz on Mon Jan 03, 2011 04:58 PM PSTIn the planned fiction manuscript tentatively titled "Medvedev and I," Russian president Medvedev and "Ari" run into serious femme fatales action while they are both stranded in the Holy Land by the Israeli foreign minsitry strike. In the real world, the boss (Avigdor Lieberman) is furious and refusing to negotiate salaries until they agree to help with preparations for the Mevedev visit. This is obviously a diplomatic cover for Lieberman being miffed about the postponement of the "Ari" trip. I don't know how "Medvi" feels about the whole affair, but Ari's response to Lieberman is, "¡El pueblo unido, jamás será vencido!"
Hilarious!
by G. Rahmanian on Mon Jan 03, 2011 04:51 PM PSTWish you the best of luck, Ari!
This is really good : ))
by Monda on Mon Jan 03, 2011 04:14 PM PSTAnd at least i read some of it!
You're killing me...
by Jahanshah Javid on Mon Jan 03, 2011 04:00 PM PSTI'm already laughing without having read a word! :)))