The Case of a Miscreant Cat


Bahram G
by Bahram G

I heard a big commotion. Dashed outside to see what was happening. A small crowd was gathered around my neighbor’s yard. They were all staring at a tree. I got closer and noticed that the object of the commotion was a cat perched high on a tree seemingly looking with disgust at all the people who were trying all the tricks they knew to entice it to come down and go home.

No, nothing worked; not even her favorite cat-food placed in a fruit picker, raised to about a few feet of it. It seemed to be content just ignoring the two-legged creatures down below. No amount of “kitty, kitty,” calls seemed to coax it down. The crowd kept on growing and so did the number of cat experts who unleashed their various cat coaxing tricks. None worked.

Suddenly I heard the familiar roar of a fire engine. A fire truck with a crew of four materialized at the scene. The firemen moved with great authority, parted the crowd and took over the operation. Their very presence added to the excitement of the proceeding. A guy in the crowd grumbled, “don’t surprise me none if a t.v. crew won’t be showing up any minute and the damned cat don’t end up headliner on the evening news.” A couple of women standing close enough to hear him showed their disgust by a set of expressive facial and bodily gestures. One old lady seemed about ready to come and slap him in the face. I think because he said “the damned cat.”

Be it as it may, the chest-puffed in-the-know authorities seemed to have no more luck in getting the cat down. One of them tried to climb the tree, and believe it or not, he slipped and fell on his ass. That was good for roar of laughter by the crowd. The fallen fireman wished he could return the crowd’s response by giving them a one-finger salute. He thought better of it, tucked his tails under his legs and retreated to the cab of the truck.

The crew chief started talking in his cell phone and we all enjoyed the live non-action as did not do much unfolding. People reverted back to their old and disproven techniques of cat-coaxing. Have you ever tried to make a cat do something it doesn’t want to do? Okay, so you know. They had exactly zero luck. The cat wouldn’t even acknowledge that they were addressing it.

It was getting boring and I was about to withdraw back into the house and be bored by the dyed in the wool Islamists on IRDC. The people who parrot the same phrases in defending the abominable things they do and defend.

When you call them on something, and there is a great deal to call them on, they flash their outworn cards: Oh, the Jews and Christians do it too; don’t talk about us slaughtering sheep, you should visit the slaughter-houses in the U.S. Hanging a few criminal bothers you, look at mass killings the U.S. does in Iraq and Afghanistan, they say.

My debate of either staying or heading inside was settled in favor of staying when another roar of fire engine parted the air and assaulted my ears. Sure enough, a huge fire engine with one of those ungodly extension ladders, lead by a squad car, showed up. The new arrivals pushed their defeated nincompoop colleagues aside, drove the mammoth truck on the neighbor’s lawn and began cranking up the monstrous ladder, working it through tree branches toward the unperturbed perching cat.

One of the firemen climbed up and reached to grab the cat. It recoiled and hissed at him. The man withdrew reflexively so fast that I thought he might lose his balance and also fall on his ass like his colleague did earlier, except this fall was not going to cause him a bit of embarrassment. It would probably break his back, falling from where he was.

The fireman got hold of himself and the crowd held its collective breath. I suspect some felt disappointed that he didn’t fall. Yet the drama was not over, and those thrill-seeking folks kept hoping that he would fall during his next attempt, make the outing worthwhile, and definitely would bring the t.v. crew to the scene of the unfolding drama. And they, themselves would be on t.v. as eyewitnesses to the great man-cat battle.

“That damned cat is costing my tax dollars big time. Mace the f…g thing and get it over with,” an Iranian-sounding man standing nearby yelled. Thank God the mean-looking old lady who was ready to slap the other man for saying “the damned cat” had moved away. Otherwise she would’ve definitely slapped him and seen to it that the loudmouth “Ayrab” would be deported to where he had come from.

At long last, the firemen fetched some netting. After fifteen minutes of one-on-one combat with the fireman casting and the cat leaping away, the cat was captured. It was handed to the owner as she cried, kept kissing it repeatedly, and tried to comfort the poor kitten for its ordeal. End of drama.

Everyone began to disperse, but the Iranian “Ayrab” kept on grumbling. “Would you believe this? Two firemen companies, a squad car with three policemen, and all this expense to bring a lousy cat down from a tree? Would we ever do such a thing in my country? Not a chance,” he was saying to no one in particular. I approached the man, introduced myself and said, “Tell me how in our country we would handle a case like that?”

He was pleased that someone cared to find out. He grinned from ear-to-ear and said, “You ever hear of rocks and stones? Yeah, rocks and stones. Just let the neighborhood kids handle it. The kids’ missiles will make it leap down in no time at all. No policemen, no firemen, no expenses and the kids will have fun doing the job. And that cat will never ever again climb any tree for the rest of his f…g life. I did it once myself as a kid in Iran, except that cat had settled on roof. What’s the difference; roof or tree? The method works like a charm with no fuss and no expense.”

Now I don’t doubt for a minute the veracity of what the Iranian “Ayrab” said. In all likelihood that’s the way the case is handled in Iran. Call the fire department to come and bring a cat down from a tree or a roof? You will be accused of sabotaging the Islamic Republic undoubtedly as paid agent of the Americans and Israelis. And you better have good connections with a powerful RISH-O-PASHM to stop them from taking you to KAHRIZAK.

And here in the good old U.S. of A, we spend huge sums caring for animals and often treating animals like we would treat human beings.

The Islamic ethos, by contrast, places little value on life, be it human or animal. Death is glorified, life on earth is considered worthless, and the earth itself is viewed as a heap of dirt. Bottom line: life is cheap and it is treated cheaply.

The American ethos, generally speaking: life, be it human or animal, is valued and little expense and effort are spared to protect and save it.

Now, here is the big question. See, I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so to speak. That’s why I visit IRDC to be educated by a raft of people who are smarter than I am. Would you deliver me from my befuddlement?

Here is my question. Why is it that America places great value on life and teats even a miscreant cat royally while at the same time spends astronomical sums on instruments and forces of death? Why is it that America’s military blankets the world’s land, air and seas? Why is it that America does not extend the same love of life to other corners of the global village earth and its residents?

We need to keep our troops in the Persian Gulf region to keep the up to no good RISH-O-PASHM in the cross hairs. We need the troops there to keep our dope, oil, flowing our way.

Why the forces in Germany? I thought the Soviet Union is no more. Defend Germany and Europe against Russia? Against the Putin Mafia? Those Kremlin guys are making money hand over fist. They hardly need to fire a bullet. It would really mess up the great good time they are having at Russian people’s expense. Besides, why the hell don’t the Germans and the other Europeans defend themselves? They are busy with the business of making money and they are content letting the dumb American rednecks do their dirty work for them?

Why our forces are in Japan and South Korea? We want Japan work on cranking out cars, electronics and what not for us? Are they giving the stuff free to us free or selling them at discount? We’re there to protect Taiwan and hold China in check, you say?

You sure have answers for every question. They are answers, but dumb answers. Who appointed the USA gendarme of the world? I am with the Iranian “Ayrab.” He didn’t want his tax dollars spent on getting an f…g cat off a tree. I don’t want a dime of my tax dollar go gendarming the world. What about you, the recently-minted American? I mean, yes you, the Iranian-Ayrab-American.



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Bahram G


by Bahram G on

Agreed 100 percent with the statement by Gandhi. More importantly is to put ideals and ideas into our daily life, as you did. As the most capable species in the planet, we indeed have the responsibility of custodianship. We absolutely must right not only by our own, but do right by all other residents and resources of the planet.


I climed a tree once to

by koorosh10 on

I climed a tree once to help my neighbors cat. As human being it is our duty to care for animals when they can not care for themself. It is heart breaking to see the attitude of some people toward animals. I mentioned this quato from Ghandi before. A culture is judged base on how it treats its animals.  

Bahram G

National Multiple Personality

by Bahram G on

Nations, groups, and even families have a collection of traits and values that make them relatively distinct from others. Iranians, as a people, are no different in this respect. We have numerous good qualities in relative abundance. By the same token, we have a number of character flaws that are indeed shameful if not criminal.
On the good leddger are hospitality, gregariousness, poetic disposition, to name some. On the bad side, we collectively, have excesses of certain trait that I need not list them. Of course it is risky to say that all Iranians are this or that. In fact with respect to certain qualities we might see great
difference even among our diverse populations. The dame is the case about Americans or any other nation. Humanity's challenge is to work at weeding out the destructive tendencies and traits and nurturing the constructive ones.
If we survive long enough on this planet, the hope is that we will collectively move in that direction. The direction that would entitle us to a self-bestowed honorific: ASHRAF MAKHLOOGHAAT.


The Iranian 'Ayrab' and his

by Simorgh5555 on

The Iranian 'Ayrab' and his appaling attitude towards cats is the reason we execute people by the hundreds every year in Iran. Those who cannot show respect to lives of other beats big or small is the reason why people attend public executions accompanied with children. It is the reason why mutilations and eye for an eye punishments are administered and even supported by a large cross section of Iranians unfortunately.
Carcasses of sheep hang out the market stalls in Iran's bazars and streets. Brains, entrails and hoofs are displayed openly and the poor animals are even salughtered with a knife to.its throat brcause some guy wants to celebrate purchasing a new car.

I have seen with my own eyes how cats and dogs are treated in Iran. Cats are treated like rats and vermin. I have literally seen people kicking small kittens which if they ever did likewise here in the West they would be prosecuted and jailed. Animals are worthless in Iran just as their human counterparts.

Bahram G

Oon Yaroo jaan

by Bahram G on

I like your answers mainly because I like you. See how liking or disliking someone colors a person's judgment? Yet, I stll don't like the practice of wasting immense amount of funds and precious human life on the military.
With regard to the issue of sang va kolookhe, and why we Iranians make so many uses of them, the and answer is simplicity itself my dear Watson. Sang va kolookhe are most abundant resource in Iran. So, we use them for as many ways as we possibly can. For one, water is scarce in Iran and to my knowledge Charmin rolls are nowhere to be had. And when doodoo is done, there are always plenty of rocks and stones handy to complete the operation. It speaks loads about our creativity.
And thanks for your kind words regarding my writing. See, that's why I like you. You supply me with strokes. Please keep them coming and I promise to reciprocate :)). Seriously, I love writing. And when you love something and you keepbdoing it, you get better at it. Practice makes perfect, it is said. In our own magnificent Parsi: KARE NEEKO KARDAN AZ POR KARDANAST. Seriously, thanks for your kindness and for staying in touch.
Bahram g

Oon Yaroo

I once blinded a cat, Ostad BG!

by Oon Yaroo on

That's what I was accused of in my teen years!

You write very well and you make a lot of sense!

The questions you have raised are very valid!

Historically, I guess the world has had a gendarme during each period and era! Weren't the Brits gendarming the world during the 17 and 18 hundreds...? Have you seen the movie, "Mutiny on The Bounty", starring Marlon Brando?

Back in the ancient times, the Achaemenids were policing the Mediterraneans?

Even in the context of contemporary Iran, Reza Shah, whether you approve of him or not, had to gendarme in order to put the rahzan's and criminals in their place!?

So, for so long as  there are lands, seas, and air where energy, money, and goods have to change hands there will be gendarmes!

The good news is that the era of big military expenditure in US is coming to an end. The DoD budget over the next 10 years will be trimmed down by 20% every year.

BTW, why do Iranian Ayrabs deal with all matters using rocks and stones!? They force a cat down a tree using sang and kolookh! They deal with marital infidelity using sang and kolookh! They clean their a$$ with sang or kolookh! The list goes on and on :-))))

Bahram, can I ask you a favor please? What can I do to write as well as you do? Where did you get the skills, I am serious!