Iranian Government Passes Law Forcing Citizens To Walk On Hands


Iranian Government Passes Law Forcing Citizens To Walk On Hands
by Anonymous Observer

The government of the Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that effective immediately, all citizens of Iran must walk on their hands.  The government gave no further explanation about the new law, but warned citizens that any violation or disobedience of the law will result in severe punishment.  In order to gauge the public’s reaction to the news we sent our reporter, Soraya Namazi to Tehran.  She filed the following report.

I am standing here in Vali Asr Street in central Tehran, where Mr. Gholamhossein Mansouri, a retired oil company worker, is walking home, on his hands, after buying two loafs of bread from a nearby bakery.  The plastic bag containing the bread is hanging from his bare toes. I asked Mr. Mansouri about his reaction to the new law.  He responded by saying “I’m sure the government has our best interest in mind.  Plus, they do bad things you if you don’t obey their orders.  This is not that bad anyway.  I always wanted to develop my biceps and triceps when I was young.  Now, this is my chance.  Plus, with the prices being up and all, we can save money now by not buying shoes.  We just don’t need them anymore.  We can just put some socks on in the winter when it’s cold.”  I then asked Mr. Mansouri about his role in the 1979 revolution, and how he would reconcile his violent opposition to the Shah with his fear of opposing the regime now.  Standing on his hands and looking up at me, Mr. Mansouri said “well, back in 1978 I did go on strike, and went to the demonstrations.  But the beauty of it was that at that time, no one bothered us.  In fact, the poor Shah even paid our salaries when we were on strike.  But these people, they will take my pension away if I oppose them, and I can’t take my trip to Dubai anymore.  Oh, and they will also take us to jail and sodomize us.  So, I’m afraid.  Plus, I am a religious man.  Back in 1979 I saw Imam Khomeini’s image on the moon and found one of his hairs in my Quran.  So, I attacked an army barracks, tore Shah’s picture to pieces and then sold the army jackets that I stole from the base.”  “But what about your children’s, and your grandchildren’s future,” I asked. His response: “I’m not too worried about them.  They all have St. Kitts’ passports.  They can travel to other countries and walk on their feet there if they want to.”

In order to gauge the Iranian Diaspora’s reaction, I went on and interviewed several members and former members.  I first interviewed “Immortal Guard” and asked him about his thoughts.  Mr. Immortal Guard had this to say about Iranian’s walking on their hands: “this is the appropriate way of walking.  The whole walking on feet thing is a Jewish conspiracy that happened at the time of Homo erectus. At that time, Jewish Homo erectusians developed a plan to weaken the rest of the world and profit from selling shoes.  So, they devised this plan to force the rest of the species to lose their ability to use their hands and drag their knuckles.  And Iranian Homo erectusians, who were totally incapable of making any decisions for themselves fell into this trap and started to walk on their feet, and the rest is history.”  I then asked the former member “ILoveIran about the matter, and he responded with two words only: “fucking kikes.”  Next, I followed up by asking user Mohammad Alireza about the new decree--and his opinion was “Israel occupies the West Bank and is building settlements there everyday, taking Palestinians’ lands.  The least that the people of Iran can do is to walk on their hands until Qods is liberated.  That, and a nuclear bomb dropped on Israel.  That will do the job.”  Mr. Alireza then had a leave in a hurry to catch the latest news on the Electronic Intifada Blog.  Lastly, I asked user Abarmard about the matter.  He stated that “while walking on hands may seem a bit bothersome, change has to come, slowly, from within.  The government has passed this law now.  We have to obey it.  What we should do is to wait, and work on it, bit by bit, for the next fifty years or so, to eventually change the law, and have our grandchildren walk on their feet again.  And no foreign involvement.  Iranian people are like retarded sea slugs.  They have absolutely no control over anything.  The minute anyone with a strand blond hair says anything that may sound reasonable and with which Iranians may agree, the blond man takes control of their minds and they become his slaves for a generation or two.  We just can’t control it.  We have to constantly scream at the blond man, occupy his embassies and threaten him with war.  Otherwise, if we agree with him on any issue, we immediately become his bitch, and that is not acceptable.”

My last stop was Columbia University, where I interviewed Professor Hamid Dabashi and his sidekick, a member of the 1970’s disco band, the Village People.  Professor Dabashi had this to say about the issue: “the problem is larger than walking on hands.  That’s a technicality that we, the Green Movement folks, are satisfied to live with for now.  See my green chafiyeh?  This says to the world that the struggle for Palestine is ongoing, and that I am trying to stay relevant…I’m sorry, where was I?  Oh, yes, the hand walking thing.  It’s a small issue.  People with get used to it.  As long as we, as a nation, stand up to Israel we can change things from within.  That is all we should be concerned with.”  I was unable to ask the sidekick any questions, as he was preparing for a summer trip to Iran and had to leave for an Apple store to buy a few iPads for family members in Iran.

**Photo: an Iranian citizen complying with the new law in the city of Kermanshah.


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Anonymous Observer

Unfortunately my dear COP

by Anonymous Observer on

our homeland, both inside and outside its borders, has become a cesspool of religious fanatics, leftover 1960's and 1970's commie revolutionaries, confromists, cowards, antisemites, xenophobes, conspiracy theorists, IR appeasers, opportunists and Palestine firsters.  And with that cast of characters, we're going nowhere fast.  

Dr. Mohandes


by Dr. Mohandes on


I am at home and i have been keeping an eye on everything and i see no sign of abardard or mard:))

Must have watered and sunk eento de grund! 


Love the Abarmard reference

by Cost-of-Progress on

he's not around though....must be vacationing back home.....wink wink

Anonymous Observer

Thanks Mehrban Jaan

by Anonymous Observer on

You're "khejalat"ing me with your kindness.  All I did was put to words the reality of the situation with Iran and Iranians.  When it comes to our homeland, reality is indeed stranger than fiction.  

Dr. Mohandes


by Dr. Mohandes on

Yale? i guess. The fact that he was always "on the road" in one ofthose round table discussionwith noorizadeh was amazing to me. The Bush Presidential Library was it? He always made his contributions from there !

Dunno man. All i see is one Big, Humongus Conspiracy . I can't help it!


Shazde Asdola Mirza

Good news: IRI is allowing people to put one foot down now!

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on


Pulitzer prize worthy!

by Mehrban on

This is so smart, I particularly like Abarmard's response and the St Kitts passport of Mr. Mansuri's children..  :)


Okay now the fun is over and I go to being depressed about how close to the truth this blog actually is. 

Anonymous Observer

I tell you DM --

by Anonymous Observer on

I don't know what's wrong with these Ivy League schools.  And Yale had that idiot Sazegara.  It also admitted a former Taliban as a student a few years back.  

Dr. Mohandes


by Dr. Mohandes on

You mean the same Abdoli soroooshhh??? The one who teaches and is a prominant researcher LOL god knows Based on whoes recommendation and who really put in a good word for him to get that position whom i bet still pronounces harvard as Harrrvvaaarddd.

I wonder what they do to him when he refuses to wear the Sombol of the west at harvard, do they toss him out there with the janitors? Hey this guy around, he is new here, oh yeah, he is a researchers...Okay senior. Come on muchacho. let me Khelp you!

I am just waiting for the day when he finally faces the humiliation of getting the nice hard kick in his rear end when they are DONE with him , but i have a feeling that there will be some junior college out there which specializes in african-american studies will offer him a job . Then he will have to teach some homeboys some Esslamic manners. Yo! prof! Tell us about Khooomaaynee...was he cool man? did he play ball? was he a hall of famer in eyyraaan?


Anonymous Observer

The issue is also

by Anonymous Observer on

that the old fossil revolutionries still dominate the political discourse on Iran through their punditry, and these people's main objective is preserving their failed revolution.  To that end, they will still support this regime--knowlingly or unknowingly--even if the regime rapes their own mothers in front of them.  And they are also able, through their media domination, to label any new thinker who deviates from their obsolete ideology as being a "traitor, a neocon, warmonger, etc."

Time for new blood and new ideas to save Iran.  These fossils belong to the trash bin of history. 

Anonymous Observer

Thanks everyone for commenting

by Anonymous Observer on

The bottom line here is that there is a reason why Iran is being ruled by the ONLY theocracy on this planet.  

Anonymous Observer

This just in!

by Anonymous Observer on

The Federations of Unrelenting Communist Kaput but Everpresent Revolutionries (FUCKERS), most of whose memebrs belonged to the 1960's and 1970's leftist revolutionary ideologies in Iran, and who then escaped Iran and became college professors and TV pundits in the West, issued a statement hailing the Iranian government's announcement as another great accomplishment of the 1979 revolutions.

FUCKERS claimed walking on hands to be a unique characteristic of the Iranian culture, just as having being ruled by the only theocracy in the 20th and 21st centuries.  The statement went further to say that by walking on their hands, the people of Iran will once again assert their independence from the imperialists, the Zionists, the colonialists and other possible "ists," except for socialists, who are "good people."   Mr. Abdelkarim Soroush, the temporary spokesperson for the group said that "just like we have refused to wear the Western symbol of tie for the past 34 years, we will refuse to conform to the Western standard of walking on feet.  We are a great nation with our own culture.  Get used to it colonialists."


Loved it !

by Shemirani on

Thank You Great Observer !!

Funny but also very true ! Everything is upside down with iranians

The least that the people of Iran can do is to walk on their hands until Qods is liberated

Hahahaha !!!

 These people are the real ShabanBimokh(s) of Iran !!!!


hamsade ghadimi

well done on the satire

by hamsade ghadimi on

well done on the satire a.o.  your storyline is actually plausible. why not if one believes the messiah lives in a well and a murderous regime is representative of the messiah until he rises from the well and rules the world.  if iri is the guardian, then their messiah must be the devil. 

esmail fasih writes in one of his books that during the rule of the greeks, iranians spoke greek and paid homage to the greeks and their culture when outside of their homes.  once inside, they spoke persian, celebrated traditional iranian holidays and made fun of the greeks.  one side of the coin demonstrates resiliency, keeping one's culture/language (somewhat) intact and live to see another day.  the other side of the coin is being spineless vermins doomed to repeat their unfortunate history over and over again at the hands of arabs, moghols, turks, dictators, and akhoonds.  was that the shah who said iranians aren't ready for democracy or khatami or changiz khan or ... how original?

p.s. i don't have the stomach of conversing with anyone who mentions israel and palestine in their arguments.  heard it all including jews financing holocaust and all the footage of the atrocities merely being a hollywood production (thanks to mr. afandi).


hence the cartoon I drew

by Fesenjoon2 on


Thanks for the good laugh

by divaneh on

Thanks AO jaan for the good laugh. I agree that Iranians do conform to anything to get on with their lives. I however have to add that in the last 100 years this nation has seen two and half revolution and the fourth one seems to be on its way. Looking through the prism of history it is not as patient as it looks.


Well done on creating a funny and effective metaphor

by amirparvizforsecularmonarchy on

which drives home so many truths.

Artificial Intelligence

Very Funny

by Artificial Intelligence on

Thank you AO!


Walking on feet?

by Fesenjoon2 on

Walking on feet? That's putting it mildly. These sheople will do anything if instructed by the regime. Like eating feces, fornicating with their dogs, or even drinking the urine of the Rahbar:


ANYTHING can be justified if "baraaye rezaaye khodaa". Religion is the most potent weapon known to mankind that can turn a compassionate human being into a methodical psycopath.


that, coupled with a culture of conformity, basically results in disaster of epic proportions seen in Iran. 


NIAC. conventioners have been warned. vi

by bushtheliberator on

    Please get a pedicure, and paint your noenails before attending       ALL VOTES WILL  BE DECIDED  BY A SHOW OF FEET .!           


AO jaan

by Truthseeker9 on

Funny and sad at the same time. Thanks for the blog.


AO, VEry Funny and

by Azarbanoo on

True about Iranians to adopt to any hardship rather than to change thing like those countries you mentioned in you comment.

Anonymous Observer

Thanks Anahid

by Anonymous Observer on

It's not just the appeasers and the apologists.  It's the conformity seeking populace as well.  Think about it this way: out of a population of 80 million people in Iran, how many have fought and actively opposed this regime in any meaningful way?  100,000?  1,000,000 (being extremely generous here)?  That's still barely 1% of the population--and again, that's being generous.  By contrast, look at Lybia, Egypt, Syria, Tunisia and even Iran in 1979.  Iranians conform to whatever is brought upon them, and try to make the best of the situation instead of addressing the root of the problem.  They also try to blame others so that they can escape responsibility.   

Anahid Hojjati

Great Blog AO

by Anahid Hojjati on

thanks for sharing. Unfortunately, there are IRI defenders and apologists who explain away any crime and/or absurdity. Waking on hands will be celebrtaed as new fitness craze.