News

In international news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has
publicly denounced 7/11, claiming that the American mini-mart chain is
merely a figment of people's imaginations, and if it did exist, it
would most certainly serve mediocre coffee and stale donuts.

"7/11 is just a capitalist scheme to trick Americans into thinking
that there is a place that sells oversized cups full of sugary, slushy
drinks at 4 AM when they're too drunk to even know what they're doing,"
said President Ahmadinejad. "But don't be fooled, there is no such
place. How could there possibly be a store that sells USA Today,
hotdogs, and condoms? It's impossible -- but then again, the United
States will use anything as a means spread their rhetoric throughout
the Middle We