MEN

Get real lady...

well this guy is a jerk no question but look lady...don't sound like a bad bakht and toosaree
khor.... here is what you do...get a good divorce lawyer, get the half of the
guys house, 401K, and bank accounts. Heck, try to get some alimony too. This is
US of A, land of the BRAVE and home of the FREE. The only reason girls in Iran
go for old farts like this guy is because they have MONEY and they are their tickets
out of Iran… I got news for you…they are plenty of young guys in Iran who would
do the exact same thing…trust me … they would happily marry older women with
money and green card J
so you say you are educated and independence, act like it.
Sit your husband down and tell him, hey do you know why you can go to Iran and
so such and such? Here are the reasons…and guess what… I will get half of your
shit and I can do the same in Iran too… late 40s is not old, you are still
middle age and many people date and find love when they are in their 40s and
50s . Some men are jerks (Iranian, American, European it doesn’t matter) but if
you don’t want to be victimized by them, don’t act like a weak person...be
strong, independent and self confident and you will be ok.

It is not unique to Iranian's in US only

the same happened to my sister. she is an incredibly beautiful women ( a head turner in her 40's). Her ex husband was lured away by a younger women.

The reason was an amazing one- she would go to work aso he could stay home and be a lazy bum and play his Tar.

I can go on with other male family member who have done the same.

1. There is nothing that Iranian women do, that provokes this action
2. The number of females used to be higher than male in Iran in late 90 but not anymore. So man do not have free run anymore

I think the bottom line is the middle life crisis is real and ugly in man. We question our lives direction and blame our failures on our wives.

I am sorry this happen to you - All I can tell you - once you get through it - you will be a lioness like my sister.

Hang in

Farifteh khanoum:

Take heart!

I know an Iranian-American woman whose Iranian husband left her a few years ago with two kids. She is now with a good looking younger man. He's not as educated as she, but he is fascinated with her, and working hard to try to desrve her. After this American boyfriend found out how important money and academic titles are to her peer group, he enrolled in law school and every time I see him I find a more expanded mind. I doubt though that his mind could ever catch up with his heart.

Thank you.

Thank you for being so brave to open up and tell us about what is happening in your private life.  

It is very difficult if not impossible for someone like myself who does not know you or your husband to try to comment on something so important and vital.  

On the surface, I see two possibilities: One, is that he is actually thinking that he can find someone younger and more exciting than you.  I wish he changes his mind and finds himself a red Ferrari instead.  It will have roughly the same effect as a younger woman and will make him feel younger again without all the headache and heartache that a younger woman will bring him.  Two, which I think is more likely, is that he is angry with you and is trying to hurt you for the anger he feels toward you.  The best solution for this is to see a professional counsellor to try and sort out his/your problems.  

No man in his right mind will leave a woman he has been with for so long, who has mothered his children, and has been a good friend and a lover just like that.  There must be something that is bothering him and you need to find out what it is.    

Feshangi

What do you say to him?

It looks like your husband is picking on the subject which he knows hurts you most. Why is that? Do you say things to him, in your "arguments", that are very personal and hurtful to him? If the answer is no then he is both insecure and abusive and needs professional help. Otherwise, he may be just trying to get even with you.

From a Man Point of Veiw

I am impressed by your honest article. I am a divorced man in my fifties. I never treated my ex like that, so I can not help you to ansewr your question. The reason I divorced was that I lost hope for a peacful and vibrant life that we started. After 10 years going to seminars, educating ourselves and consulting, I lost hope. I must confess that I do have problem for healthy intimate relationships now. Most of the ladies at my age who I meet are not taking care of themselves like you do, they look much older than me, being honest, they are not physicly attractive! my problem with younger ladies is that their biological clock is ticking and they want a sperm doner, not a life companion who can gracefully grow old together...enough about me..I have a question for you, did you marry with love and you lost it during the years or it was not there in first place? the reason I am asking is that I think if you guys were in love before, there is hope and you might be able to save your marrage (I take it that it is what you are working on).
I am surpised by comments that judged you and they think it is so easy to move on.

This is simple

This is a simple matter. If you are NOT good for him, so he is NOT good for you. I think, he enjoys this, since you show as we say "noghte zaf" This time tell him, go and do it. I am sure he will shot up and not talk about it!! Supposetly, he does it. you live here in this country, so he can not bring his wife here, since he can not have two wives here !! Any girl in Iran marrying an older man for only one reason, to come to US.
Just relax and do not react to what he says. Beleive me, I have done this to mine. Now, he has stopped about talking "zan dovom"

You DON"T need men's opnion on this

Dear Farifteh,

You don't need anyone's validation especially from an Iranian man.

WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK? why do you care about men's prespective?  Suppose one of them says You are a wonderful wife; or your husband is abusive and dump him; or all men are not like that; or men need younger women; or bunch of BS like that. How would that change anything for you?

This is not an issue with men. You are on a self discovery journey. You need to re-evaluate your life and only YOU can change things.

Sheila K

Women in the West?

I'm sorry. I must say I found your response just a tad offensive, primarily the remark that "Once the wife comes to the West she will soon think like women in the West". I have met and married an Iranian man, while I am a native born American. As it would be, I know of no American women who marry for money, or behave sluttishly. Ever. In fact, in my house, my income far exceeds my husband's, and my biggest frustration is that he will not exert himself to do better. Yes, an Iranian girl may agree to marry him, but she'd be in for a SHOCK once she arrived in the States. He has not provided me with a comfortable life; I have provided him! He is now 50, and if he wants to try to find a younger woman, then do so. I count myself FORTUNATE to have been born American and raised with the belief that I am every bit as entitled as any man to seek out the life I want and choose, whether that be single, married or perhaps even to marry a younger man. There are many good American men who find older women quite attractive. If my husband left me, I would never be ashamed of returning to my own culture where I am empowered and respected. As a side note, my husband has refused again and again over the years to marry an Iranian woman because HE says they are extremely materialistic. I wouldn't know, but I trust what my husband says.

Good for you

Farifteh jan we all expose much of ourselves through what we say and dont say about ourselves and our lives here. What we all recognise is that you are a sensative and thoughtful woman who has reached a point where she wants something to change, what ever that may mean. We also recognise that you have patience, courage and tenacity. In one way or another we have all looked for change at some point in our lives and the majority of us look for some reassurance from others that the change we seek is the right course of action.

Please dont blame yourself so much.. it takes two to tango and you  responded to your life experience and cultural norms.

You may not yet know the talking therapy will take you. I am sure of one thing though.... it will lead you both to a better understanding of your selves and each other, whether that means staying together or separating. 

Communication is so under estimated. Keep an open mind.

Im so pleased to hear that you have some support for yourself already.

Javaneh

I am overwhelmed by the

I am overwhelmed by the time that people have taken to share their thoughts and advices with me!  I am most greatful.

As i read the comments, the common thread to me, was how everyone thinks that despite my acheivements in life, i seriously lack self-confidence and self-esteem.  That blew me away.  I honestly thought that i consciously avoided giving any details about my state of mind and what i THINK about myself.  I wrote about what i look like, what i do, and so on, not about how i FEEL about myself.  And, dead-on every one picked on my lack of self-esteem!! I can only contribute this to the acute sensitivity of our culture to the emotional signs that the other person is giving, as subtle as it might be. WOW!!

Having said that let me tell you about my take on the advices. 

For those of you who suggested therapy, i am doing that.  I have a therapist who i have weekly sessions with.  I have arranged for family therapy, and that will begin soon for both of us.  I still am deeply hurt; i cannot see myself getting over this hump, and yes this has been going on for the past 20 years, and I take the sole responsibility for letting it happen. 

As one person mentioned, i lacked self-esteem twenty years ago to  begin with, and my emotionally abusive husband was no help, but he rather pushed me further down.  And as someone else mentioned, my excuses were, "Oh, he is just mad now; i shouldn't have done/said/felt that; if i were only prettier, thinner, younger, smarter, more maternal, better cook, better lover, taller, he'd be happy. "  And we all know, it didn't matter.  And of course, there is always ABEROO, and the picture perfect family issue.  YES, I AM VERY GUILTY FOR DOING ALL THAT!

As for kicking the loser out; i have fantasized about that as well!  I do love to be one of those really confident ladies, who'd stand tall in front of the door and directs her husband to pick his bags (the ones that she has packed for him) and leave.  And, to see that the my husband will sheepishly pick up his bags, leave with his tails between his legs, teary eyes and all.  But, it ain't that simple.  In reality, i am not that lady, and he is not that man either.  I have children, whom i had decided to have and now have to protect; financially, and emotionally.  I have financial ties to him, severing them will hurt both of us.  Yet, i am seeking attorney's advice.

As for getting my revenge by finding a romance somewhere else; i have fantasized about that one as well!  Again, i wished i could have done that.  There may be a guy out there who'd like me, who know?  But, i simply CANNOT do that.  You can say it is again because of my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence; and you perhaps are correct.

I was hoping to hear honestly from the men out there.  Are you treating your wife/significant other like this?  Why do you do it?  If  you don't; then why do you think some men do it?  Are there many two-faced men out there as well? You guys are the movers and shakers of your community (i think most of you are!)  Is there any one out there who is been like that, felt like that, and if so, tell me why?

At this point, my marriage may be beyond repair.  I know that intellectually.  I know that i need to learn to leave the past in the past and stop thinking about whys.  But i still have a need to know...

Take strength and use your intelligence

Good advice from   n.zanincanadai. Think about that and be strong in this! and get some therapy for your self esteem before you conisder any of your options.

Revenge is not the solution here. You want a positive outcome for yourself and your familly. You may live to regret and a vengeful response to this problem and you dont need to add that to how you feel about yourself.

From the account you have given its obvvious your husband is experiencing some age dilemma himself! Why do middle age men want younger woman....?? I know its difficult to be objective in this situation but use your intelliegence and work it out. It may help you understand that his problem is not with you.

Like all abuse acts... it's about power over another. He has hit on something you feel sensitve about, your age, and he takes up the power you allow him to have. Take it back and both you and he will have more respect for you.

By the way I want to point out two things:

1. being over 40 is not the end of romance/love  with your husband or someone new. In many ways you have more freedom after 40. Its all about your attitude to yourself and life.

2. Trading in for s younger woman/man is not limited to Iranians alone. This is pretty universal. How you deal with it.. ?Again its about your attitude and Iranian women among others from the east are conditioned from an early age to accept more than those in the west. There are benfits and disadvantages to both the east and wests attitudes. You decide which you want in your life.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Javaneh

The age factor

Dear all,
Here we all go again. When a man starts this type of talk you are the one who should put him in place. Tell him you would take a part time Joe to satisfy your needs as he has become old and his tool is not as hard as it should be. If he continues to carry on then bring a young fellow you know and introduce him to your husband and see what happens.
Getting a young wife from Iran is easy but then it is not the type of wife your husband would want. Women in Iran have become very sophisticated in their thinking nowadays and it is very much materialistic. Once the wife comes to the West she will soon think like women in the West. First the dollar then the sex.
My sister Parvin Rostamian is here in Vancouver and is living single. She always like to live single. That is the reason she came to Canada to live single and enjoy life. For the last 12 years she is single and enjoying herself. She has changed live in boyfreinds about eight times upto now. Her latest flame is a 35 year old Sudanese fellow around 20 years her junior.
So do not worry. Myself am 61 years old. My two sons Babak and Arash Salamati are grown up and one is becoming a dental surgeon like myself and the other is studying to become an engineer like his uncle Manouchehr Rostamian.
Their father Hoshang Salamati is working in Pars Oil and Gas Company in Iran and is a member of the Board of Directors of that Company.
So sweetheart do not worry about anything.
Dr Pourandokht Rostamian of Sharifabad, Yazd
BC,N Van Canada

Do not put up with abuse!

I am very surprised that an educated woman like you is putting up with this situation! You are acting like a desperate person. But why should you?
Just tell him to **** off! You have nothing to loose but a stupid man in your life. There is no need to put up with abuse these days.
If you wish so you could even marry a younger man too! The theory is simple: As there are many young women that are desperate to get out of Iran, there are also many young men that want to escape Iran! You can easily own one of these young men ;) Tell your current husband about this and see his reaction!
BTW in response to his email, send him this story: //www.people.com/people/article/0,,20185941,0...

Whatever you do PLEASE do not put up with abuse.

You are not alone.

Men do this all of the time all over the US.  Be strong and take care of your family.  Since you work, you will be financially secure.  In most states you can get a 50/50 settlement.  Sometimes, it is better to be alone than abused.  I do not think that long discussions is useful in these situations.  If a man wants to bolt, he will.

 The best revernge...is your own happiness.  Stay active in your social life.  Men are attracted to happy women and age is not important.  It sounds like you contributed a lot to the family.  He might find someone younger, but he won't find someone better.

 Take care,

K

The Choice Is Yours

In order to judge fairly, one must hear both sides of a problem. Because it is not possible in this case, let us assume that all you said is correct. In that case, it is fair to say that his problem arise from the inner working of his brain. You are not the problem. You have three choices: (1) leave him and let him deal with his problem alone, (2) stay with him until he fixes himself or you help him get over it, and (3) stay with him and put up with what he does. The choice is yours not his.

here we go again...

Lets beat on the victim and condemn the abused...
Why do we always take a harsh tone with the ones who are hurting the most?
It's not easy to go through 20 years of emotional abuse, it's even harder to get out of it. You have nothing left in you after taking so much beating, you won't have the self-confidence to stand up for yourself. It's a fact people, show compassion, show her how to gain her confidence back. Going out with the girls and sleeping with a stranger after 20 years of marriage is not going to make her feel better, she'll feel even less worthy!
Taking revenge by making his life miserable isn't a good advice either.
They need therapy, they need someone else to tell this man he's out of line. They need real help.

Az Masst Ke Baar Maast

The reason he can and does talk to you like this is that YOU let him. And the reason you let him is YOUR own fears and maybe lack of self confidence.

You wrote:

"...While I feel like trashing my husband into pieces, I cry for knowing that he in fact might be my best and last chance."

"best and last chance" of what?? of having a miserable life? What do you really lose if you dump him?

Think about it.

TheMasochistic Factor! NOT The Age Factor

This is more like “The Masochistic Factor!”  Let’s be honest. You have an abusive husband: A common dilemma in our culture. He’s been this way all your marital life and you’ve put up with him for the sake of the children, and aaberoo, and stuff like that. Right? What bothers me the most is our denial factor as Iranian women. We always want to hide the truth to save our “Aaberoo.” Reading your article, I can only imagine how many times he’s said cruel things to you and how difficult it must have been for you to raise four children with this masochistic lunatic. If you are reading this and saying, No. I bet every dollar that you are lying to yourself.  All the pain that was bottled up for 20 years of abuse is now bursting out with a funny trigger, a prospect of having a younger competition. You probably can do the same, but you don’t have the self-esteem. You had very little when married and now after 20 years, there’s not much of it left. What is often  ridiculously funny is hearing my fellow compatriots describe their abusive husbands with a pretty cover up of being highly educated, wealthy family, and so on… WHO THE HELL CARES? He’s a dick head! And he’s a waste of his education. I’d say the best remedy is get a BIG makeover, dress up, go on a weekend get away with your girl friends. Find a man, make passionate love to him. I mean there is got to be some consequences to being verbally abusive, no? Anyways, you’ll gain your self-esteem and know that there’s nothing he can do that you can’t.  

That’s if losing your (dick head –pardon my language) husband to a younger woman is a big deal for you.

SK

I think ...

I think your husband is an idiot. First of all, the situation of women in iran is not as bad as afghanistan. So for him to "sang be sineh zadan" about freedom of women in Iran and afghanistan shows he is superficial and really stupid.
As for a solution, I think you should divorce him. Do something creative before doing that; start watching / searching (not openly of course) a good man -- perhaps from among his friends/relatives and the ones that arenmot married of course. Then without being unfair to your (stupid) husband and after you make sure you have enough good signs that the man (or men) you have searched and have in mind also have interest in you (and since I am not a woman I cannot tell you how you should go about it without doing injustice to your (stupid) husband while you are married to him), when next time he tells you that he wants to go to iran and get a chick, tell him "you know what, I want you to do just that, and I will figure out what to do with my own life". At this point, I think the advice given by others may be appropriate depending on the direction that you want to take. All I can tell you, without knowing you and your (stupid) husband is that your man seems to be a complete IDIOT.

Full of Contradictions

Your article is full of contradictions. I have a hard time to figure out if it is a fictional story or a true story. If it is fictional, then kudos to you. You are convincing a little. Keep on writing and I am sure one day you may hit the jackpot. However, if it is a true story, I have to admit you are the woman with the lowest self esteem I have ever heard of. You claim you are highly educated, nicely figured for your age, have lived in US of A for a long time, and still take crap from your husband. I really don’t know how a woman like you can stay with such a guy for 20 year and still make four beautiful children. I don’t know how a well educated and supposedly open minded person like you uses the word “DEHATI” as a symbol of stupidity. You should go to a therapist in order to gain some self confidence first ( you need a lot of it lady). After, that kick the guy you know in where, then, read, run, eat good food, and have fun.

as to why he is going that

as to why he is going that low, you said it, patriarchy, patriarchy, patriarchy. It doesn't matter how intellectual someone appears, it only matters what they do in real life when push comes to shove. And he did go there.

I think you have to either leave him or make him understand how much it hurts when he says things like that. I know that in Iranian culture, when couples fight everything is allowed (no halva), I have seen my parents say terrible things to each other and justify it by saying "i was just angry". That's no excuse and it should not be this way. so maybe you can tell him that you should both refrain from saying things that are only meant to hurt each other.

He is saying this just to really hurt you and he has found a great "noghte za'f." We as women must have tremendous strength to deal with expectations of our culture about youth and beauty, and we are vulnerable. Even if I am completely ugly, even if I burn my face or get super old, it doesn't justify lack of love from my partner. Is your husband prince charming himself?

to go that low does not necessarily mean that he is really going to do it, but that he is really trying to mess you up.

I'm sure that you can bring up deep dark insecurities that he has and make him really hurt (I'm sure through many years of marriage you know about his 'noghte za'f' as well). I'm not saying you should do this but you should make him realize that things will just go downhill if you decide to be mean to each other. Things like this are not easy to forget.

(I wish violence was ever a good solution, in that case you could hire some people to beat the crap out of him:)) but I guess the civilized reaction is more productive)

Supposing your account is

Supposing your account is true and accurate:

A man who threatens his wife with the possibility of a bride in Iran is very easy to deal with.

Suppose he DOES get a second wife in Iran. What is he going to do with her? Bring her here? Well, he has to divorce you first. Will he not lose A LOT of money? Perhaps his 401K? His house? What is the new bride going to do here? She will be seriously upset when she finds out the "house" is nothing more than a 2 bedroom rental. I advise you to get a divorce lawyer. A damn good one. Make sure you have his card to flash in your husband's face if push comes to shove.

Now suppose he keeps her in Iran. How will he support her? He has to take money there right? Again, he will have to divorce you before one cent goes to another woman.

Let's just say he goes through with it. FANTASTIC. You can make his and her life a living hell. I'm not saying you should. But if he is threatening you...you can play into it. 2 can play this game.

This can get very nasty very fast and you can play it so that you have the upper hand. You can bring the bastard to his crippling wrinkly knees.

But....

The best thing is to Kootah Biay! Yes...it tastes bitter. But...you get his sorry ass into some kind of family therapy and you get past your hump.

Can't you get some family involved? Sometimes it helps.

You should mention what your problem is. It's possible that YOU are impossible and that he DESERVES another wife after putting up with you. I mean we don't know the story...how can we judge?

As far as women your age and a second chance at love...don't underestimate yourself. There are SO many men out there, your age. With divorced wives or women who have passed away. And they would do anything for companionship. Many are quite nice. Deserving of love. And great fun. Perhaps you should research this some more.

Good Luck

speaking of experience

I am so sorry that you are experiencing life with an emotionally challenged man. If it's any consolation, there are plenty like your husband amongst the Iranian men.

I am not bashing the Iranians specifically, that's a personal view and it's not my fault that I have never had a relationship with any other nationality but Iranian and American.
My ex used to threaten me the same way. First it was a joke, then it was repeated over and over again.
Let me be honest here, a man who uses this kind of threat towards his wife is obviously emotionally abusive, and this is not the only way he's showing it. Maybe after years of marriage or even considering some of the "traditional" ways we have seen women treated at home, we do not catch on quickly enough, but look harder and you'll see signs of verbal and emotional abuse all over the place.

My ex husband was 12 years older than me. He was not a very good looking man and to make matters worse, he had left his American wife and traveled to Iran to marry one of the 9 young girls they were going to show him, I was the one he picked...

2 years later he started threatening me about going to Iran and marrying someone younger and prettier and makign sure that he successfully trains this one (adabesh mikoneh) so she wouldn't be like me... I had just given birth to his baby then.

So you see my dear, it's not you, it's not the age difference, it's nothing other than the selfish man who thinks he can!

I left my ex, and he went and married someone else. This time, she was a young widower, a very sweet and submissive woman who just wanted a safe and secure life. She even called me "shoma" and took all the abuse without speaking up.

He divorced her 5 years later...

Some people never change. Don't take the abuse and do not wait for him to change, that's what all abused women do! they wait and hope.