Shorts

The Legacy

New York, New York

It was before the Axis of Evil
There was only one evil at the time (Iran).
The Bush dynasty had not yet done its masterpieces in Iraq or Afghanistan.
Jimmy Carter had just canceled the Moscow Olympics, and had to listen to his  daughter Amy and mama.
Bill Clinton was still in Arkansas and was busy with Jennifer Flowers.
He still had not met Monica Lewinsky or that girl.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in his late teens and had just arranged with his other bearded friends to take the American Embassy personnel hostage.
The supreme leader was worried what to feed them.
Ayatollahs Rafsanjani proposed, due to the shortage of the beef and sheep meat in Iran, they should contact the Armenians and buy a large pig and let the revolutionary Guards barbecue it. And serve it to them with beer and whiskey.
The guards had ransacked the American Embassy PX anyway and did not have enough time to sell it to the other true believers.
The supreme leader suggested that maybe the Americans would interpret this action as a sign of the peace offering and not attack Iran.
The Iranian leaders had seen war only on the streets of Tehran, or in the American World War II movies.
The Iranian soldiers on the other hand were brave and only attacked and massacred the unarmed civilians, run away with the first response,  the heroes would drop everything and put on women's skirts and over all covers and sneak out with the speed of the speeding bullets.
The great leaders pointed to the Imperial Iranian Army who had joined the street gangs and destroyed all the liquor stores.
The poor Shah hand thought that his army might stand and fight for a while, while the relatives emptied the Royal treasury.
I was watching all the exciting actions on the television and a noble idea came to my mind. The American people must be very pissed off, but could do nothing.
If I could get hold of some cheep Chinese T-shirts and printed IRAN or Khomeini SUCKS on them, I could make a fortune
I was in my dream world when my wife told me that my Greek American buddy was on the phone and wanted to talk to me.
He told me that he was in New York and had called my parents in Iran for my telephone number.
He told me that he was working in Manhattan in the World Trade Center No.1 building.
He had a job for me which paid well and was to my taste.
My wife and I took off and went to New York for an interview and was offered a control engineering job.
I couldn't believe the building size. It was the largest thing I had ever seen.
It took me a couple of months to find my way to my office and don't get lost in the elevators or the subways.
I was thinking that everything is big and tall in New York.
It used to take a long time to reach the 93rd floor.
During the winter, they used to recirculate the air to save the energy and I was getting headaches due to the shortage of oxygen.
Another problem was the fast blowing winds which would shake the building and cause the elevator shafts to whistle.
A few times we had to walk down 30 or 40 floors to get out of the non-operating elevators. I was glad that I was going down, not up.
One day, an Argentinean passenger plane was lost and was heading towards the building.
They sounded the alarms and instructed us to evacuate the building.
I saw my buddy sitting and not paying attention.
I asked him why he was not moving.
He told me that he lived across the river in New Jersey and wanted to save a subway token.
Only a true New Yorker can come up with such gems.
On 9/11, when I saw the buildings come down,  it was like losing dear old friends.
May all those who were lost or hurt be blessed.

New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead. Except in my house.....

Secret Feelings and Desires

The first Pay Check

It had been an uphill battle, The semester was almost over and I had not done too badly for a foreign student in an American church college.
The language was still a problem, I still could not remember the material which I had read in English.
I could handle math and science courses better, but the dean of the foreign students was always trying to put me in the religious courses.
Finally I gave up and accepted his recommendation and registered in his favorite courses and would go to another adviser and change them into something else.
We had a good mouse and cat game. Summer was coming fast and I had to do something meaning full for the summer vacation.
The dormitory was going to be closed and we had to be out of there.
Being a foreign student and having to live on campus really sucks.
Another Iranian student who was Azeri (the Turkish speaking part of Iran) came up with the suggestion to get our Social Security Cards and get a job on campus.
Well, it was before the Axis of Evil days, it was not too hard to get a driver license or a Social Security Card.
We got our cards and applied at the personnel office.
We got summer janitorial jobs at the minimum wage which was $1.25 at the time.
It was more than what my father was making the back home.
Rented a room off campus in the house of a divorce old lady whose husband was wise enough to get rid of her.
We were stock and had to listen her complains about all the wrongs which had been done to her by her husband.
We concluded that divorce was made in heaven and we better get used to the concept for the future.
We got our brooms and started our summer jobs.
The brooms were not hard to handle, it was the electric rotary floor washer and waxer which was the problem.
It was like riding a wild bull. One could get pulled by it and hit the walls.
After a week of washing, sweeping, and polishing came the glorious payday.
Oh what wonderful day and what a glorious experience.
I was making more money than my dad, but keeping less because of the federal, state, and social security taxes.
Well everyone was in the same boat and there was no way out unless you were a business owner and kept double books for yourself and the tax man.
We were really an insignificant cog in the economy system and had to keep our noses clean.
Look at Mr. Al Capone the leader of the South side of Chicago gang who had killed many people and was sentenced only for cheating on his taxes.
We better learn fast and leave the cheating on taxes to the super rich and the politician.
We bought new shoes and cloth and discovered the art of cruising around the driving ins on the south side of Indianapolis.
Met some very lovely young blond teenagers who were thinking, we the college boys were gods; who were we to correct them.
We were receiving regular instructions in French kissing, boy this art surely beats praying 5 times a day toward Mecca and going to the mosque.
Once a young and pretty teen ager asked us why Muslim women wore black over all and covered their faces.
The answer was easy. They wanted to make Arabia beautiful.
We had saved our pay checks and it felt like having accumulated a fortune.
Good things don't last very long, and before we know it the summer was over and we had to go back to the school and wrestle with the foreign student adviser.
He always said that we foreigners from the Middle East were like the desert sheiks and wanted to spoil the Innocent and lovely American females.
I am sorry to say that we tried hard, but he odds were not in our favor

Joys of circumcision

Fear from the Snakes

I had just barley learned how to put on my shoes on the right feet, but still had to go to my mother to tie shoe laces.
The world was moving fast on the outside, but I couldn't go out of the house.
It was rumored that there were sick men who stole little children and did bad things to them and then killed them.
It was just like the present days.
We had to wait for my dad to come home from his work at 2 o'clock and bring our bread in his hand bag.
Then, we would sit around the dinning room table and eat the rice and vegetable dishes which my mother had prepared.
My mom and dad were very young and had gotten married at an early age.
Then he had gotten drafted and sent to the army base which was close to their house.
He used to snick out of the base and come home in the evenings, that is how my older brother was conceived.
Afterward , He got a job at a local government bank and was in pursuit of happiness mode when the Second World War started and the country got occupied by the allies.
One summer day he came home with the good news of the summer vacation by the Caspian sea.
I had never heard of the Caspian sea and didn't even know where it was.
I asked him what a sea was?
Was it like a pool, but only bigger ? How were we going there ?
We took a horse drawn carriage from our house to the train station and boarded our train.
It was very exciting because I had never seen a train, it was full of the military personnel and equipment which were being sent to Russia to fight the Germans.
Finally, we got to the city of Babol which was a twenty minutes horse drawn carriage ride from Babolsar . It was our final destination.
We went to my grandfather's residence which was a small peasant cottage.
Everything was primitive and we had to cook with charcoal.
I did not see the hot charcoal on the floor and stepped bare foot on it.
This was not a good start for a summer vacation.
Next day my dad took us to the sea. It was a huge body of water which went forever and there were waves coming to the shore.
I got some courage, changed to my bathing suite and went into water.
it was very salty and did not taste good either.
I did not know what to do in the water, my dad told me just lay at the edge and enjoy it.
The water was not cold and was kind of fun, soon I forgot the pain of the blister at the bottom of my foot.
Next day, my dad took me behind our cottage and showed me the big pond with the large floating green leaves on it.
There were all sizes of dark green frogs siting on the leaves and enjoying their songs.
we were watching and enjoying them. All of a sudden a long and mean dark creature appeared from no where and swallowed a very pretty frog which was happily singing.
I was very upset and picked up medium size rocks and started throwing them at the damn snake.
My rocks were falling short and the snake with the frog in his mouth disappeared.
I was shaking from fear and anger, there were such dangerous creatures which could harm you.
Today it was the poor frog's turn, maybe tomorrow it was going to be me.
I had to be very careful, observant and avoid dangerous situations.
A few days later, I was in the restroom and taking my time, when I had a strange feeling and looked down.
There was a long and pink colored snake coming out of my bottom.
I started to scream my head head off and called my mom and dad and told them that the damn snake had come to get me and they better do some thing about it.
They came and looked and assured me that it was just a pink worm that people got in their stomachs due to the insanitary drinking water and the use of the natural fertilizers for growing our food.
We all started taking special de-worming pills on a regular basis and watched the strange and long creatures that came out out of the lower end.
I had a feeling that maybe it was where I had sat that the pink snake had entered my body, I was going to be very careful from now on.

Hearts of Gold

I was assigned to inspect and supervise the change over of the existing National Iranian Oil company product pipe line (NIOC).

The pipe line started from the city of Ahwaz and went all the way to Tehran and delivered petroleum products.
There were petroleum gas flares in the suburb of the city which was burning the gas 24/7 and you could feel the heat and the smell from a considerable distance. The weather was similar to Louisiana, with occasional sand storms from Saudi Arabia.
We had rented double rooms at Hotel Ahwaz, which was a mama papa operation.
Behind the flares there were a few buildings which we discovered to our delight, was the area red light district. The place was very safe safe because it was managed by the local police.
We had two electrical technicians who were doing the electrical works. One was a Cockney English man and the other a south Korean.
One day they came to me and told me they had not been paid and didn't want to work, but wanted to go to the local girls behind the flares.
They didn't know the language and wanted me to help them get there.
We put on our work cloth and took off. Went inside the compound and started checking and found a nicely organized house, we talked to the manager whom the girls were calling her "mama".
My English and Korean buddies made their selections and took off with the ladies.
I was sitting down and reading an old local news paper.
Mama came to me and asked me why I had not picked up one of her girls?
I told her that I was just a low paid driver for the foreigners and had hungry wife and children in the next village.
She told me not to worry, and sent me her best girl and told me she was going to charge it to the foreigners.
She was also going to give me a handsome tip for bringing them there.
Now, who can say people don't have hearts of gold

Teaching How to Cook

America Fights Back

President George W. Bush and his Vice-President Dick Chaeyney have concluded that it is time to straighten the record so that history would reflect a better image of their imperial rule and collect better speaking fees.

Mr. Cheyney suggested to deport all Iranians and let them go home and enjoy the fruits of the Islamiic revolution in 1979.

The State Department objected to the plan because some of the states such as California, Georgia, Illinois and New York would lose the majority of their wealthy residents and with the current real este crisis, Beverly Hills woud be particularly hit hard.

Therefore it was decided that it was cheaper to attack Iran and get rid of President Ahmadinejad and find another ruler for the country and start the 1953 revolution all over again with new and approved actors.

So,t he Bush /Cheyney army attacked Iran and and after 10 years of war, it was decided to declare victory and leave Iran in the middle of the night.

Iranian revolutionaries celebrated thier victories in towns and villages and decided to collect their war booty like the Vientmese and the other nations defeated by the Yankees by coming to the United States and taking over all the profitable businesses.
The

Azaris took over 7-11s and gasoline stations while Ghazvinis and Ghomis took over gay bars and liquor stores in San Fransisco to provide R & R for the Islamic clergy and the revoloutionary guards.

After a period of prosperity and calm, the former warriors decided America was too good to spoil and destroy -- like they had done to Iran. But the Iranian government would not take them back so they were sent to Guantanamo which Bush and   Cheyney in their infinite wisdom had prepared.

It's a shame  Saddam Hossein is not around to get a kick out of all this

Anger Management:

You think you got trouble !

Have you ever given a thought to a fellow country Iranian who has lost his inheritance, not by his fault, but by the trick of the nature.

He was getting ready to become the next king of Iran, while he was away on training in the United States. His father was overthrown and had to leave the country ahead of the head hunters.

As a result, he became the unemployed king of Iran in Connecticut.

He consulted with other unemployed kings such as Prince Charles and Constantine, the previous King of Greece for advice.

They all gave him heart warming advices to wait. One dose not know what lies ahead.

He asked what he had to do in the mean time.

Constantine told him to open a chain of chelo kabob restaurants and hire his relatives as managers, host and hostesses, and try to serve genuine Iranian Aragh to attract

the Iranians who have been living in America and wanted to have the good old Iran feelings in America without going too far.

He explained that the cost of maintaining his relatives had been very high and he was worried that the secret and the numbered accounts might not last long enough.

King Constantine told him maybe they should collect unemployment, food stamps and go on the welfare.

King Reza said that they might not be illegible because they had never worked in their lives.

King Constantine pointed out that he might be eligible, because his father might have been an employee of the US government and had been overthrown beyond his control.

They were informed that they had to go to the nearest unemployment offices closest to their residents and fill up applications like all the other unemployed Iranians.

The officer pointed out that they to be punctual and there was no difference between an unemployed king or iron worker, as far the government was concerned.

They had to show that were honestly trying to find a suitable job.

They had to cut back, there were no more Champaign and caviar parties, they had to get used to beer and pretzel celebrations.

Oh, he was thinking what his father would say with the hardships they had to go through.

Why couldn't he be lucky like Prince Charles who was from a civilized country, where they nver over through their king or forget the 4 o'clock tea.

In Iran, they were having daily 4 O'clock executions at the Evin prison.

What a difference a few thousands miles make ?

Who pays any attention to Mr. Ahmadinejad anyway ?

Every thing fun is forbidden or illegal in America

Had not listened to my father who had studied in France and was of the opinion that America was uncivilized. I was full of rock and roll, Elvis Priestly, the Everly Brothers and the Platters.
I had to come to America and experience the life, build model airplanes, drive around in fast cars, and meet fast and pretty women.
Gave a glorious good-bye party and invited classmates, close friends, and close the relatives.
In my heart I was saying "eat your hearts out, you suckers, I am going to America".
Finally we wound up at the Mehrabad Airport and had lots of hugs and kisses.
It took forever to get to Detroit, Michigan, because the jet passenger plane had not taken over yet and there were lots of prop. planes.
Arrived in Ann Arbor, Michigan on November 22, 1959. It was a very cold and gloomy day. Found my way slowly to my dormitory in the University of Michigan campus.
My light weight leather shoes and the European style suite were not compatible with the winter weather conditions in Michigan, I thought I would die on the street.
Run into other friends from home, who had gone through similar process.
We were all wondering if we would have been better off if we had gone to France or England or better yet had stayed in Iran and enjoyed home cooking and the relatives.
Any way, it was too late to go back, the Iranian Imperial Army was waiting for us to show our faces and get drafted for two years and sent to march on the border with Russia or Iraq for protection of the Imperial homeland.
The decision was made to stay and stop moaning and groaning.
We decided to bury our sorrows by going to a bar and have a couple of beers.
we found out that in the most advanced country in the world, you had to be 21 years old to have a glass of beer and we did not eve had an age limit in Iran.
Some of the friends got mad and asked "how old one has to be here to go to a professional lady for rest and recreation ?".
We found out that Every thing that was fun, was forbidden or illegal in America.
I did not want to be the only one suffering in America, so I misguided the friends who were still in Iran and were waiting for enlightenment from us, the exploratory advance group in America.
With dark hair, eyes and Middle Eastern features, finding a date with the pink skinned and over-weight American young or old ladies were out of question. We were all very upset and I wrote a letter of apology to my father.
He finally accepted my apologies for not listening to him, and asked me to join him in Paris during the summer of 1962.
Man, what a difference. The city of light was full of vibrations, night clubs, delightful Ladies of the day and night.
Discovered the section of the Paris called the "stomach of Paris". It is where the local Parisians go to relax and have fun.
I tried to have and save enough fun to last me a few years in America.
So, lets say via la France for its contribution to the sanity of the Iranian students who got misguided and landed in America

Teen Age years in Iran 1956-57

The signs of puberty was appearing all over my body, and I was detecting new and strong feelings which were unknown and strange, but pleasant.
What was happening? Were my friends and classmates going through similar experiences?
New American films such as, The Rebel Without Cause with James Dean and Natalie Wood was showing in the local movie houses. I discovered that I had a lot in common with the hero of the film, but he had the advantage of being in America and the chance of going to the coeducational school and access to a large community of the opposite sex and cars.
My life was limited to sandwich shops, movie houses, and the all male school.
I had to come up with new and more creative ways. After consulting with some old school friends, I was told that they had discovered a professional lady who could help a teen ager with his sociological and physical problems.
I was provided with the address and the secret words to identify myself to the kind lady who was realy doing a social and charitable service for the Iranian youth.
May God bless her wherever she might be in the present cruel world of today.
I was scared to go there by myself, so I took my buddy who was a couple of years older, but had the same problems.
We found her address, it was a two story house with windows opening to the street.
I collected the all my courage and rang the bell, the kind lady stocked her head out of the window and asked who it was. We got scared and ran away.
We repeated the ringing of the bell several times before we got the courage to stay and meet the kind lady and explain our serious problems and the urgent needs to her.
She was very kind and understanding woman, she was very efficient and solved our problems in a very short time.
It was the beginning of a new era in our lives, now we were young men with experience and could be of assistance to other poor young souls like ourselves.
Her name was Gitty Kakhie, may God bless her for all her kindness and service to the humanity and man kid.
I was thinking, maybe the reason for all the insanity and the cruelty in Iran in the present time is because the Ayatollahs and the religious leader did not have a chance to visit and meet the gracious and kind hearted Gitty Kakhie.

She could have removed a lot of their inhumanity and insanity.

It is not easy to be a shah

Everybody thinks they have got it made. All the secret and numbered accounts, the high level contacts with the high officials of the US and the European countries should be good for some thing.

The truth is that it did not even help him in the final days of his life and he had to flee from one country to another in the middle of the night.

Is this a fair treatment for someone who had served his big bosses all his life ?

This is the sad abreviated, but semi-true story of the shah of Iran who ruled from 1941 to 1978.

He could remember the day when Churchil, Stalin, and Rosevelt ere meeting in Tehran.

He was brought into their meeting room like a house servanant through the back door to meet the new bosses.

Well, they let him stay on and play with his toys, sport cars and the fast women.

He was wise, and always kept a packed suitcae and a fueled up plane ready at the airport for the unexpected.

He was able to fly out of the country and go to Rome, when in 1953 the old prime minister Dr. Mosadegh got mad at him and sent his police to arrest him.

His twin sister, Princess Ashraf, had to contact the big boys and ask them for their help.

They had to organize and finance an uprising by such dignitaries as Shaban Bimokh, Pari Ghafari, and others to overyhrow the old man and bring the shah back.

He had to promise that he would be a good boy and mind his own business.

Everything got rosy, and the American advisers and the military personnel started arriving in the country.

They were driving around town in their military jeeps and making the country safe.

Iranian young woemen had noticing the new arrivals and started entertaing them at reasonable prices.

Tehran was becoming the Paris of the Middle East.

Everybody was learning Englsh and getting jos at Point 4, which was an American institution.

The happy days lasted till 1977, when president Carter came to Iran and celebrated the new year with his old buddy the shah.

He called Iran an island of tranquility in the stormy sea of the Middle East.

Shah had been planning to take over the oil business and cut the foreign oil companies out.

Suddenly, he got very sick and the major powers thought that his days were nunbered and they had to initiate a major change. The rest is history.
 

Dear Mr. President

Prior to the departure of Mr. Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, to America for the purpose of aggrevating the good old George, and getting even with him for his speech of the Axis of Evil The supreme Ayatollah requested the president to come to his office for a private and personal meeting.

He asked him if he could talk to good old George and tell him to stop the silly games of threats and bombings.

He said tell him to Let us forget the past and burry the hatchets  and start anew, by granting us both and our families Green Crads on a fast track basis.

Remind him that his term is almost over and mine and yours might come to a sudden end by the families of all those we tried and sent to the gallows.

He emphasised that even, Hesama ben Laden thinks we have gone too far and he migt send his Al Qaeda recruits after us.

Can you imagine losing our jobs and giving up our bullet and bomb proof Mercedes Benzes and standing on the street to catch a bus or a taxi, like the rest of those peasants.

Do you remember how glorious it was the day we plnted a bomb in the Islmic Parliment and sent all those obnoxious morons to meet their maker a little earlier than they had expected. Well that is the way the world turns. If you are not ahead of it, you will get run over like the poor old Shah.

They wouldn't even let him die in peace in one place.

The Future of Iranian Economy

During the last meeting between the supreme leader, Ayatollah Rafsanjani, and President Ahmadinejad prior to his tour of the United States and Disneyland to aggravate poor old George. The subject of the country's finances were brought up. There were worries that the falling oil production, support of the Iraqi insurgents, the raising expectation of the clergy and their families for the latest 2008 bullet and explosion proof Mercedes Benzes, plus the cost of the roadside bombs and the North Korean assisted nuclear project might break the bank.

The president stated that with the passing of Yasser Arafat and his wife's loosing her resident permit in Morocco there might be a chance to reduce the foreign currency out flow.

But with the creation of three armies instead of the one during the reign of the shah, it will not stop bleeding.

The supreme leader proposed that he should talk with old George and convince him to hire military personnel from Iran at reduced rates compared with those from England and Europe. It would help both countries and might remove some of the hostilities.

Ahmadinejad was worried that George was getting close to the end of his term and wanted to go on speaking tours like his father and Mr. Clinton, and if the American people get upset with this scheme they might not come to his speaking engagements and the whole thing might get canceled and he might have to go back to baseball team management again with the aide of his father's friend.

The supreme leader stated that in that case they would have to do the following.

Prior to the glorious Islamic revolution, the population of the country was close to 30 million and after the revolution and the Iraq/Iran war with the far sightedness of Ayatollah Khomeini the people increased the birth rate and increased the population to 70 to 80 million range.

If they could catalog them and offer their body parts at reasonable prices to the western countries and give them assurance about the quality and quantity of the supplies, they might not need to depend on oil for their income.

What they have to do is to speed up the weekly executions and avoid damaging the goods by using ropes.

Solving the problem of the collapsing bridges

A bright future for the Iraqi refugees

Double deck city

Due to the fact that there is no commercial, idustrial. educatioal activity left in Iran except buying the existing old houses and building 40 squre meter (400 square feet) sky scraper in their place. It was discovered that there were no more free land left in Tehran. The president, ( Mr. Ahmadinejad) being a man of science, Phd. civil engineering, Phd. Transportation, Phd. Electrical engineering Phd, Divinity and Phd. Economics. Decided that the solution was to change Tehran to a double deck city by importing virgin lands from Australia and Canada in lots of 1,000 squre meters ( 10,000 squre feet) and installing them on concrete and steel colums above the present city.