Shorts

The Neighbors

Had been working in New York on an Alumina plant project and was finally transferred to the actual plant location in Venezuela. It was a joint project between the swiss and the Venezuelan governments.
My wife and I moved to Venezuela and were given a two bedroom trailer at the company compound.
The place was surrounded by wire fence and security check points.
It was not advisable to live outside of the company compound for the high cost of the apartments and the lack of protection.
We found the neighbors very friendly and pleasant. Every one wanted to live in the compound, but there were a limited number of trailers available, one had to pull the strings to succeed.
There were all types of nationalities and languages in the compound. Our next door neighbor was a lovely English lady who had married a swiss engineer. She became a good friend of my wife and gave her a very nice little dog that some one had thrown over the fence.
She was pregnant and was not allowed to keep the dog in her trailer.
We called her Micky, in honor of the Micky Mouse. She was very little and we had to get her heart worm medication and other veterinary services. She started growing up and became a lovely dog. We took her everywhere and she enjoyed riding in our pick up truck. It was enough for her to see us getting dressed, to get all excited and jump up and down.
She looked like a Mexican dog that I have never learned how to spell. We even took her to the super market and the children were coming and playing with her. We had a friend who used to buy raw gold from the Indians and bring it to the US and sell it to the refineries. One time they had a shoe box full of gold bars and he had to go out of town, his wife asked us to give her Micky for protection.
The little dog got so upset and started howling crying that she felt sorry for her and brought her back in the middle of the night to put her out of her misery.
We used to walk with her without a leash, she used to follow my wife wherever she went.
The project was coming to an end and we had to leave soon. We found a nice family with little children and gave them Micky with a sizable dowry on the condition that they brought her to us on the weekends for visits.
We saw her before we left and kissed her good bye.

Baby Sitting

It was a wonderful night, we were in search of the truth and happiness.
It was a little after 8 PM and we were driving on the north side of Tehran.
In Persian there is a saying that in the dark the cats look like minks.
We didn't want any cats, but the minks were very rare, and if you didn't pick them up, they were gone and you couldn't find them again.
Tehran was a very competitive place in this respect. We were driving in the dark and the competitors were close by.
There were no revolutionary guards at that time. They were doing what they did best, rubbing people's homes when they were away.
All of a sudden, a thing of beauty and a thing of joy appeared before us. I stepped on the brakes and she jumped into the back seat. She was wearing the customary thin black veil which showed all the assets and created interest. It is said that what you don't see looks a lot more attractive than what you see. We noticed that she was carrying some thing under her veil. It was a baby boy, we were shocked and wanted to take her back and drop her off where we had picked her up. She told us that her husband was dead and she had selected a profession that liked, but could not find suitable baby sitters and was taking him with her. We took them with us to my house and got him my son's left over toys. I started wondering who was baby siting my son, while his mother took care of the married men with children. Well it was a universal happening everywhere and we better get used to it. I baby sat, while my buddy was with the mother, He baby sat, when I was with the mother. It was not a bad arrangement. You never know when it is your turn to baby sit.
I, think the little fellow liked us, because he was smiling. I gave him my son's toys and his winter clothes.
I hope he is enjoying them, wherever he might be.

The Super Wife

My uncle was a real gentleman, he was number one in his high school, and won full scholarship to study in a German university, he was top %10 of his class.
All good things have got to come to an end. He finished his studies and got His Master Engineer degree from his university and headed home.
Well everything was wonderful except the military draft. He got drafted and sent to the northern boarders to protect his country, all his superiors put on the women dresses and disappeared as they saw the Russians coming.
He being trained in Germany and having seen the German correctness, stood guard with his rifle in hand and got captured by the Russian forces.
He should be considered the only Iranian war prisoner.
His mind being like a sponge, enabled him to learn Turkish and Russian in the prison.
After release he came back home and found everybody too old or dead.
He accepted an engineering position with the government and rented a two bed room apartment.
Finally things started falling in place.
Everybody respected him for his high eduction and the language skills.
He was the most eligible man around. People start telling him to get married, but he was too broad minded and away from the conventional life style.
To please his friends and get them off his back, he agreed to marry a socialite who had entertained most singles and single at heart married men.
She was considered a generous social worker, helping the mankind.
Well finally they got married at a small club house, and settled in his apartment and shortly after, there was a pretty daughter walking around in their bed.
The socoalite wife started introducing him to her previous friends and lovers.
He being a sociable person, becomes attached to them and invited them to his apartment on regular basis for drinks and card games.
At a later date, when I was visiting my cousin, I met her mother's boyfriend and heard from her the he used to dream of the sea as they say in Persian and wet his bed.
We used to go to the balcony and see his wet bedding spread on the balcony to dry.
I was happy to find out that I was not the only one with that kind of a problem. Everything was proceeding normally, till she met one of his old buddies who had just gotten divorced and was in the market. She fell in love and asked her husband for permission to marry his old buddy.
He was a cultured and civilized man and did not want to stand in his wife's happiness.
They had an informal and friendly divorce ceremony. The next week was announced as their wedding day.
Her father was dead and there was no one to give her away, so she asked her old husband and he accepted.
It was a very happy occasion, the old husband the new husband were drinking to each other's health.
If this is not civilized, I don't know what is.

The Contractor

One advantage of being related to the royal family was the fact you could receive a lucrative contract from the Oil Company without a bid and could pass it on after removing of most of the milk fat and other nutritional material to a subcontractor, who would also send it down the line till there was only skim milk left.At that stage came the art of change order for the job that was not done yet, but could generate pretty fair payments. We as the consulting engineers had to know the position of the various contractors, equipment suppliers, and subcontractors to protect ourselves from the embarrassment and harm by the big boys. It was under these circumstances that we got invited to a party given by the queen's cousin who had become a major Oil pipe line contractor and was still a gentleman and a scholar.My new fiance was very excited about the party, we were circulating with the movers and the shakers of the country, but we were only little and insignificant players.We had a few drinks and there was a friendly environment. Some wise guy started telling the queen's cousin that that there was a brick wall between heaven and hell. One side was always hot and the other side was always cold. As a result, the wall cracked and fell down.
Each side blamed the other side for it. They went to Saint Peter and complained. The saint said go get your own contractors and fix your own sides. There were sixty contractors on the hell side, but no one on the heaven side.
It was said that the heaven side was trying to get out its obligation. They complained to saint Peter agin and were told they could not find a contractor in heaven and they were all in hell.
What would you call that, insulting the queen's favorite contractor cousin in the public in a democratic dictatorship. Wouldn't you call that wonderful.
Try doing it in the Islamic Republic, it will get you at least an impressive hanging.

The Universality of The Medical Malpractice

I used to get horrible head aches in the mornings. It had been going on for several weeks.
Finally, my mother decided to take me to the government hospital which was free and soon to be doctors were practicing their future trades.
After explaining the pains that I had been suffering, the attending doctor examined me very closely and stated that I had a large tumor in my head which needed to be operated on and removed.
He scheduled me for the operation in two days time and requested my mother to take me to the barber shop and have him shave my hair with a sharp straight razer.
The order was carried out and my head looked like a boiled egg.
My great uncle who had studied medicine in the pre revolution Russia, used to come to our house occasionally for the Turkish coffee and the cake ceremony which my mother used to serve to the old friends and relatives.
He saw my shaved head and asked what had happened. My mother explained my situation and the fact that I was going to have a brain surgery to remove a large tumor from inside my head.
His mouth was left open and he showed a deep anger and said he has to take me to his friend's hospital and use his fluoroscope to see what was happening.
We got dressed and went to the friend's hospital and was placed behind the scope and could clearly see the dark spots around my sinuous areas.
I did not have any tumor, but a severe case of the sinuses.
The doctors started laughing and making fun of the new crops of the medical doctors.
They were saying God save the poor patients who are unfortunate enough to cross their hands.
It was the days of the Second World War and there was hardly any medicine for the unfortunate civilians, but the old doctors were familiar with the old fashioned steam inhalation of the steam treatments.
I was receiving daily treatments and my inflamed sinuses were cleared up and I was saved from the sure death at the hands of the new crop of doctors.
I am sure they were burying a lot of their errors in the nearby cemeteries, before they could be discovered.
May God save us from the premature deaths and the sufferings.
Things have not changed much from those good old days, except prices es have sky rocketed and the lawyers have gotten involved for the benefit of the humanity and the sky rocketing of the malpractice insurance.
It is nice to see that this is not only in America, the rest of world has caught up with us, well the lawyers are people too, and they need to support their life styles.

Havana Gila

Excuse me, I have been able to misspell in five languages and I hope you won't mind if I add one more.
My father had been a civil servant with not much of a salary or benefits.
His friends as they say in Persian had found the magic key and had achieved a lot of benefits.
They all used to go to a certain coffee shop in Tehran which was wonderfully run by the Armenians who are Christians and have been misunderstood and mistreated in many third world countries who think they are Europeans.
Let us say a prayer in the memory of all the Armenians who were killed by the damn Ottoman Turks in 1919.
I am sure that the dead will hear us and appreciate our thinking of them after so many years.
I had been buying electrical material from Israelis for my petroleum projects and the Israelis were kind enough to offer me a job in Israel for after the glorious Islamic Revolution.
They had a better information than the Sahib Americans.
Lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I was invited to attend the celebration of the nation of Israel at their embassy which was called their commercial center.
We got in my car and drove to the vicinity of the embassy. Found an unexpected empty parking space, and walked about two miles to the embassy.
The area was full of the Iranian and the Israeli security people, so we were safe. We walked in, and was greeted by our old friends and shook hand with the ambassador and his wife.
It was a nice party and my dad spotted the waiter with a tray full of genuine whiskey, the dream of all the Muslims from above the rank of Mullahs from Arabia to Indonesia.
My dad kept picking up a glass, every time the waiter passed by him.
He was going to tell a marvelous story the next time he met his retired buddies at their coffee shop head quarter.
We were given a Chance to show our uncoordinated in Israeli dancing and about 11 O'Clock, my dad and I were one step beyond, and thought it is better if walked to our car rather than getting carried to it.
We said good bye and had a three kiss sequence with the ambassador and his wife and left the embassy.
We could not find the car and decided to get a taxi, which is an impossibility in Tehran at any time day or night.
Two days later I located my car with the aid of a friend and took the car home for a well deserved rest.
My father was so proud, because he had the greatest episode of his civil servant life.
Lets say a prayer for a dad who passed away, but got a chance to dance Havana Gila with the Israelis ambassador's wife and got drunk with his youngest son with the genuine Scotch whiskey, the nectar of the Gods

The Revenge Of The Uninitiated

It was an exciting age, it was before the "Axis of Evil", a meaningful and economical corruption still had its value, the land speculation had produced a special rich class in Iran who thought rightly that it would last forever, they even took it to America, and made California the Iran of America.
Everybody was sending their children to Europe and America.
There was the miss conception that it was to gain knowledge and become a modern person.
The reality was there was a supply of well deserving pretty Frauleins in Germany who had lost their sweethearts and male companions to the damn war who was left to keep the bed warm?
Those were wonderful years, even the Iranians, turks, Greeks and the other horny creatures were welcomed to Germany.
Some innocent Iranian men wound up in America and missed all the excitements of gambling, free love and swindling.
The yodels in America got raised mostly in the Midwest which was at the dark ages at the time and was in the grip of the televangelists and others of the same stripes.
The seventies and the illusion of the prosperity and freedom in Iran brought a large number of the simple minded Iranians back home.
They could not even talk together without a throwing in few words of German, French, Italian, or English.
What had taken Americas a couple of centuries to develop, the Iranians did it in only two decades.
There were all types of foreign companies eager to use all their resources to get to the wealth of the country.
They set up headquarters in the northern sections of Tehran which was new, European, and American style with high rents.
We had the world community in Tehran. The companies hired the Iranians at the local and the foreigners at the expatriate rates which were several time that of the locals.
Every one was trying to become an expatriate. I only know of one Armenian who succeeded, the rest of us had to take our lumps.
I had a friend who had spent most of his youth in Berlin night clubs and was aware of the European culture.
He suggested we Iranians should try to sleep with the wives of all the Sahibs.
It didn't sound too bad and impractical.
We did not know how much trouble the Sahibs had with their wives and girl friends. The first success, lead to a second one and a chain reaction started.
We had become a close knit family with all types of close sexual ties.
We used to talk to the husband to find out when they left the office, so we could go their homes for a family and friendly oil change.
Every thing was working according to the plan, then we knocked up some one's wife and didn't know who the father was.
We did the next best thing and accepted the mutual responsibility.
Unknowingly, we had done the couple a favor, they had been trying for a long time and now they had the answer to their prayers.
We got suspicious when we found out the baby didn't look like any of us and we started to think, maybe there was another rat at work.

What a Wonderful Problem

I had been working on the electrification of the Petroleum Product Pipe Lines from the Oil city in the south to Tehran.
Had to travel a lot, and the driving was very dangerous with all the newly recruited donkey riders from the villages to drive the super large "White" trailer trucks on the two lane high ways.
Things had improved slightly, the roads were now covered with a thin layer of asphalt .
They would became very slippery in the mountainous areas.
Well it was still better than the unemployment lines in California.
Those days of the glory of Viet Nam and the Rolling Thunder and the American know how were over.
The troops were coming back and the lucky immigrants who had survived the draft by any hook or crook, were no longer in demand.
It was better to go home and see what was happening there.
It was nice to see that the supervised discrimination and the inequality had been extended to Iran.
Still a pound of the white meat was more valuable than the local meat.
We were stupid, and were calling our white meat Europeans and Americans who were receiving four to five times our salaries the "Sahibs", It didn't do any good for anybody.
It was a nice tradition which had been developed in India by the British and had spread by their heirs the Americans to the lost empire to the four corners of the world.
At least, at home we did not have to deal with the Immigration and Naturalization Services, which was the symbol of the imperial power by the mini bureaucrats.
It was nice to pick up the Innocent and unpolluted laborers on the road side and talk with them and get an insight into some one with different problems.
I had been to the land of OZ and were back again where I had started from, and had tasted the wonder of lack of power and the desirable corruption.
I was deep in the unpleasant thoughts while driving north to Tehran.
I saw a simple laborer hitch hiking.
I stopped and picked him up, he was working at a power plant which the government did not need, but had bought from the Russians as an insurance against mischiefs.
It was still the age of evil empire.
He wanted a ride home which was a couple of hours drive.
He said he had recently married a pretty young girl who was from the Lore tribe.
He said he was from the Arab extraction and was cursed with a very long and thick member.
I told him that it was not a curse, but a blessing.
I told him that I had the opposite problem, I was married to a smi pretty, and fat American lady who was honoring me with her infidelities while I was out of town and I had to give all kinds of excuses for my inadequacies.
I told him my experience with sex had been like floating in the ocean and never seeing the shore.
I told him I did not know when I will turn like my other friends into an
ex-husband.
These are the modern days, and you have to expect all the unexpected.
I told him about a friend who had married a call girl for her earning powers and the privilege to be at the head of the line instead of the end.
Marriage. after all has some privileges.
I hope my insight will provide enough substance for others to build on.
If you did not get my points, I wish to make it perfectly clear that there realy is no points, but full of surprises. I hope you have been blessed with my Arab friends problems rather than mine.

No More Meat

Most religions tend to copy from each other. I would call it religious plagiarism which might upset some sensitive stomachs.

The Muslims have done the most, their dietary instructions are very similar to the Kosher laws.

That is why they say if you could not find a good halal meat restaurant in the lands of the infidels, eat at the neiborhood Jewish deli.

They have even taken some of the pseudo historical events such as the event for sacrifice of the his son by Abraham, the Father of the Jews and Muslims and sending of the lamb by God instead of the son literally.

Now the poor sheep have to pay the price. The Muslims call it "the feast of the sacrifice". On that day the true believers sacrifice a sheep and give its body for consumption by the needy in the neighborhood.

My mother had bought a baby lamb from a Shepherd who had brought his flock from his village to sell them in town.

He was placed in the front yard so that he could feed on the grass and become a good size creature.

It was love at first sight, he was following me everywhere and had become my shadow.

I was giving him treats such as cabbage, carrots, pita bread and left over spaghetti.
After all, a guy has to take care of his pet. He had turned into my pet, but my mom wouldn't let me to take him to my bed.

He had to lay on the floor and I would pet his beautiful head.

Our relation lasted for a couple of weeks and we had become inseparable.
One morning I woke up to the sound of a commotion in our yard.
I saw the neighborhood butcher was sharpening his knife and my little buddy was tied to the tree by a rope.
Before I knew it, his throat was cut in front of me and he was gutted.
I passed out, what an inhuman action. He was cut and sent to the neighbors.
From that moment on, I decided not to eat the meat of my departed and butchered friends.
My food had gotten limited to potatoes, cabbage, tomatoes and bread with feta cheese.
My mother was very mad, because she had cooked a roast beef. I was not going to eat any of it.
She threatened to lock me up in the store room, where she was keeping all her pickles in clay jars.
So, I was sent to the store room, and she locked the door.
I was not going to take it laying down, I got hold of a good size hammer and started breaking my mom's clay jars which she was using to make pickles.
It was beautiful, there was pickles all over the floor with all kind of gooey liquids.
Finally my dad came home for lunch and decided to broker a peace between the two hostile parties.
I would eat what I wanted plus fried or boiled eggs which were not considered meat.
Every one had won and the hostilities came to a peaceful end.
It is not too bad to have a dad around the house to intervene once every while, before things got really out of hands.

The Luck Of The Beginner

I was driving back from the LA. It had not been too much fun except discovering of the topless dancing bars in the valley area and was falling in love with all those beauties there again.
I had no immunity to a pretty face and a pair of nice formed breasts.
As I was driving towards Las Vegas, I saw a pretty young lady who was a non-fat type on the side of the road.She wanted a lift.
I thought my luck had changed and maybe I will get lucky and get to know her.
I stopped and asked her if I could be of any help.
She said that their motor cycle had broken down and they wanted a ride to Las Vegas.
I looked back and saw this huge guy with a pair of large handle bars on his face.
That was my first encounter with a real Hell's Angele of the first kind.
It was too late and I could not do much.
I gave them a ride to Las Vegas and found them to be a nice couple.
We went to his house and took a well deserved nap. He went with a friend and picked up his Harley which he had placed under a bridge. He took it to the mechanic shop.
Later, we went to the casino and he showed me how to play and win at roulette table.
I was to play black and red colors, and double my bet each time.
It was enough to win once, and recover all that I had lost.
It sounded good to me and I started playing with one dollar.
I was winning on a regular basis and could see the chips piling up in front of me.
This was marvelous and if I played long enough, I could pay for my tuition.
After two days of gambling, I felt that I had gained enough experience to play big.
So, I started playing big and loosing bigger.
What I had won in two days, I lost in a couple of hours and was totally wiped out.
I had changed and had become some one totally strange to myself.
I wanted to go out and mug some old man or woman and get their money.
It was some thing that I had never seen or experienced in myself before.
I got scared and upset, I decided to leave the place before I did something really stupid and hurt myself and the others.
I have not been near a table in more than thirty years and I don't miss it at all.
Be wise and don't let the devil take you over.

The Nanny

I was involved with major problems of my life, such as putting the right shoe on the right foot or the potty training. It was rumored that the big three western leaders had met in Tehran, and had gone back home. The brave Iranian army had imitated the armies of France and Italy, by dressing in women's clothing and disappearing among the civilians. The allies had occupied Iran and did not have anybody to fight with, so the peace had finally returned. My uncle who had had just recently returned from Germany, and had gotten drafted and sent to the front to defend his country, his officers and superiors being man of honor, integrity and street smart had worn women's clothes, and had disappeared in the middle of night. My uncle who had received a German education, was captured and was the only Iranian prisoner of war, but it turned to his advantage, he was like a sponge and had learned Russian, and Tuekish in the Russian prison. Prosperity was retuning to the country. The goodwill Industry, and the other welfare organizations in America were sending second hand American clothes from the last two decades to Iran to dress the Iranian poor. The well connected officials were selling them on the black market. The Iranian women had started looking like the movie stars of the 30's and 40's. One could find many Joan Crawfords with the padded shoulders on the streets of Tehran, showing off their pretty dresses. The modern Iranian wives could not cop with the cooking, cleaning, and the child rearing like their ancestors had done for centries. They wanted nannies to help them, they had seen them in the movies. Where could you find them in Iran, the young village girls were the best source. Living in a brick house was much better than the mud huts. They wanted to come to the big city and avoid herding sheep, cows, donkeys and camels. That is where we got our first nanny. She was just a few years older than me, and we became friends at the first sight. We got to know all that was happening in the neighborhood. We heard that there was going to be a hanging in the city center, all the nannies and the children in their cares wanted to go and watch the hangings. I didn't know what hanging was, and why people got hung, but I wanted to see it. We sneaked out of the house and went to the big plaza in the middle of the city and watched four men get hanged like apples from the ropes. We promised not to tell our parents about the event, otherwise there would not be no more exciting events or juicy news. We kept our promises and created a secret society.

The New Year Tours

Every year during the Persian New Year which starts on March 21st and lasts for thirteen days, people used to go on trips.
I used to go to America to keep my Green Card alive and visit my ex-wife and ex-son and be pleasantly insulted.
Then would head back to my daily routine which was consulting engineering for the oil companies operating in Iran.
The pay was not too bad.
The native Iranians had discovered that It was too expensive to travel inside the country and it was much cheaper and more fun to go outside of the country and do all the shopping and come back and rest till the next year.
The fever had caught my mom and dad and they had gone to the Far East, North Africa, And Europe.
I was afraid they might run out of places on earth and would have to go out into space.
The ones who did not know foreign languages, but were smart enough took the guided tours and went like civilized people to the different parts of the world under guidance and supervision of the hired Iranian guides.
The Bazaaries who are special spices of people unknown anywhere except the dark corners of the bazaar wanted to beat system and save on expenses.
They would take a son or a daughter who claimed to know a foreign language and go to the blue yonder and discover that it took more than the alphabets to get by in the world then it was the unfortunate other Iranian nearby who got stock.
I was flying on a Boeing 747 with Iranians going to London to shop at their new discovery of "Harrod's" by other relatives on their previous trips.
My involvement started with filling of the immigration forms for the visitors handed in the plane. Some one saw me doing mine and asked me if I could help. Which turned into a flood. I did the forms for half the passengers in the plane.
Next came at the Immigration gate, the officer couldn't speak or understand them, so he asked if there was any one who could help. I was volunteered by the people up front and got recruited. Well it doesn't hurt to help half a plane full of the country men.
After immigration, it was at going to town cheaply and the fastest way finally I gave up and told them to catch a taxi. They had heard that it was expensive to catch a taxi. I told them they had spent a fortune getting there and another 30 or 30 pounds will not kill them.

The Beatles

Please keep quiet for a while, it is true and wonderful. Nobody had heard of them before, they were just a local wonder in Liverpool and not yet known outside of the UK.
It was the age of the shaking Elvis from Memphis, and the other similar young groups.
We had been traveling through Europe all summer long and were finally in Hamburg.
My brother was coming to join us there, I had suffered through German, French, and Italian languages.
There is nothing more disgusting than not being able to communicate with people around you, and you can not possibly learn all the spoken languages.
Can you imagine getting mad at somebody and not being able to cuss.
Thank God almost everyone understands the universal language of the middle finger salute.
It was in bad mood when my brother arrived, he had been tasting the European life style for the past six years and was knocking up the young German teen agers who were suffering from a shortage of men, due to the enlightenment by the Nazis to take over the whole world and make it better.
My brother was over six feet tall and was in his Julius Cesar hair style.
He had already knocked up six fair skinned and blond hair German teen age beauties, and was sacrificing his summer to be with us and be our guide.
He took us to a night club called "Cafe Case" which means "Cafe Cheese" in German.
It was a special type of night club. It was a place for the widowed and young
German Nazi girls to meet and dance with the opposite sex.
It was before the invasion of the young hungry men from Greece, Turkey and the middle East for the frustrated German lovelies.
I had a horrible time at the club, everybody was after my brother and even my father.
A shorty like me did not have a chance to score a hit with these northern beauties.
Next night we went to the next door night club which was called "Top Ten"
and had English rock and roll bands.
There were these four young men with long hairs and strange looking outfits playing marvelous music and singing simple songs such as I want to hold your hands.
It was simple enough for me to understand and remember.
During their break, I went to the restroom and was standing beside the tall guy
and told him I had not heard such beautiful music in a long time, who was writing for them?
He told me his name was John Lennon and with his buddy, who was in the next stall they wrote all their own materials.
He said their manager had arranged for them to come to Germany and play in "Top Ten" club.
It was where a lot of foreigners who understood good rock and roll came.
I brought my mom and dad and told them that they were watching the music history being made.
I introduced John and Paul to my mom and dad and we had a good time with them.
The other two guys were not as sociable, friendly and fun.
Later, we started hearing their music all over Europe and noticed they they going to be very big and we might no be able to see them and enjoy the in person again.
I am sorry that we have lost two of them, I feel they really changed the music world and made it much better.
Thank you guys wherever you are

Dear Grandpa

Sorry I didn't get to meet you. You were already dead for 10 years when I was borne.
My grandma was mad that you had secretly married her best friends. She had not only lost her unfaithful husband, she had also lost her best friends.
I know there is nothing wrong in Muslim religion or the Mormons to have more than one wife.
What can a young Muslim do? No good poker partners, no good local brandies.
Do they expect sex with your own semi pretty wife, the mother of your own spoiled children? What a disgusting thought.
You were smart enough to discovered the value of the wealth. You married an old maid who was recently orphaned and established yourself as a man of means and learned how to spend her money.
I enjoyed your pictures sitting in the bus in front of the Mullein Rouge night club in Paris.
You were smart not taking my grandma with you. She would have spoiled it all for you. You should have seen the stink she rose after your death, when the other two wives showed up with their orphaned kids and asked for their inheritance.
The concept of one wife was invented by those damn Christians who had access to all those holly sisters and brothers and did not think a man needed anything more.
You had to keep yourself busy writing scrips for the non exiting theaters in Iran.
No body paid much attention to your writings till you discovered the art of making fun of every thing and every body.
Everybody likes to laugh, specially when some else is the subject. Grandma and my dad thought that your writings were great and they gave it to the university for the inspiration of the future writers.
Unfortunately our oil got us into trouble again and gave the freedom of becoming slaves again to the clergy who had been forced to sit aside and only enjoy the allowance the shah was giving them.
They could have it all and become a modern Calif's with bullet and bomb proof Mercedes Benz's for themselves and their families.
Why should the son of a stable keeper become a king, and them the broods of the Arabs who had invaded and taken over, sit aside and watch the show from the balcony. A the time of the shah, we had one great thief and a couple hundred second tier thieves.
But now, the number has jumped to millions great thieves and I hope we ran out of the oil soon, so that the flies might go away.
Long live the unemployed shah of Iran in the US, may the powers who brought back his father give him a second chance.
His beloved father had a country but no heir, now the unemployed shah has many heirs and no country.
I am worried that he may have to become a naturalized citizen of the US and have to pay taxes like the rest of the folks.

The Instrument Man

I had decided to put an end to my misery and sacrifice myself for a genuine Green Card.
I had suffered enough, I was broke and had to think about another summer without a job. And find a way to straighten my status with the Immigration and Naturalization Services.
I had not renewed my passport at the Iranian embassy, to avoid loosing it to the wonderful embassy people who had traced our anti Shah activities and were ready to pounce on us.
The only solution was to marry a US citizen and apply for the Green Card.
My school Buddy had the draft problem with a free tour of duty of the Southeast Asia.
He also had to get married to escape the draft, it was a wonderful situation and we had found the magic solution.
So, we headed to LA to see what was the situation with my teen age high school sweet heart.
She had moved with her parents to LA four years earlier, and was calling me once every while.
We drove all the way through, and came to his parents' house and took a well deserved rest.
In those days, LA was clean and nice without too many foreigners.
Finally, I contacted the young lady and asked her to come over.
She had grown and had turned into a giant Sumo wrestler.
My buddy thought that it was not worth my sacrifice. In his opinion, it was better getting deported than getting tied to her.
I took his advice and headed back to Indiana. I slept in the car and went to the public swimming pools along the way for showers.
I got back to Indiana and run into an old buddy who invited me to stay with him.
Every thing was in order, abortion was illegal in those days and he was doing a thriving business.
He was even sending money home to support his family there.
His biggest worry was that someday a do good creep might make it legal, and ruin his business.
He was encouraging me to join him and start earning tax free cash.
I was still too naive and did not know the value of the free enterprise yet.
The clients used to come in the evenings and I used to leave the room and give him privacy to carry out his services.
We also met some other friends who were supporting themselves and their family back home the same way.
There was enough business for every one.
I contacted my school and asked them if they knew of any summer jobs.
I was told that some one had called them and had asked for a civil engineering student.
We agreed that the two fields close enough and I went for an interview and got hired.
Man, I had driven all the way to California and back, the job was only 5 miles away from me.
I became the assistant to the instrument man and found him a very friendly and nice guy.
Some one up there must have liked me and did not want me to go to a non engineering field.
I found the trade people very kind and professional, they started calling me "cousin" and I was calling them "brother".
We had become a family and they were inviting me to their houses to meet their families.
I am glad that I was saved and could go back to my school and finish my school and become an electrical engineer.

A Sad Funeral

After discrimination on three continents and the inferiority complex, due to my short height and rejection by the non-fat beauties,I had found a niche in my own country and started to find that I was not at the bottom of the barrel.
I found out that there were a lot of successful people who had gotten rich and successful because the others were dumber than them.
So it was an advantage not to be the dumbest. I got heartened and tried to act like Woody Allen in the carrier area and gained the confidence of the people who did not know me.
I spent many hours fixing or putting together, what others had damaged or destroyed before.
It was a good feeling, I had not wasted 6 years in the engineering college and 5 years in the industry.
Finally I had become Mr. fix it. I met a young man who had set up his operation in a chicken coop, stamping tiles for the false reset ceilings.
In Iran it was illegal to do anything without a license, and you could not get a license without high positioned silent partners who only collected and made a few calls a year.
we became friends and he told me some of his personal problems. He had married his sweetheart when they were only eighteen and had two children and had gotten divorced twice already.
He had a bad temper and with the slight causes he would blow up and do foolish things such as divorce.
The Muslims are allowed only to get married and divorced to each other three times and after the third time, they turn into brother and sister and can not get married to each other for ever.
It might be tough for those who can not make up their minds.
My friend was getting to his limit, I asked him why he does it. He told me he could not live with or without her for very long. I told him the philosophy of my life that the wives were like a hemorrhoid and you had to handle with care and don't sit on it too hard otherwise it will cause you major grief.
He admitted that he was wrong and won't do it again. He said he was going to the Caspian Sea up north with his son and was going to marry his wife for good this time.
The road to the Caspian Sea is called the Killing fields, because all the people who are in the real state business and get reach. Want to show off to the wife, buy a car and drive up north and get into an accident and do major damage.
My friend got into a car accident and got killed with his son and had a closed casket funeral and burial.
How strange the life is, you are here one minute and the next minute you are gone and my favorite author Ernest Hemingway would say "the sun also rises" the next day

Offshore Platforms

Those were the good days of plenty oil, low oil prices, good relation with Israel.
The real estate was appreciating like mad. Everybody was buying real estates and renting it to the Americans who were on short term assignments and you were sure they would leave in a short time. Renting to the natives were not a good practice, because they wanted to stay at low rent prices which had jumped at least 10% annually for the last 10 years. The Americans cooked simple foods which did not stink the place, The Iranian cooking gave the house or the apartment a special smell which lasted almost for a generation. I was considered a native and it was very expensive. It was not easy for me to rent an apartment. My poor father was stock with us.
I had enjoyed discrimination in America, Europe, and now in Iran. It is like any thing else, you get used to it and hope some day it will get fixed or go away.
I was lucky to ran into a Greek American from New York. He was the communication engineer in the mixed Iranian and American company which was doing technical services to the oil industry,The director was well connect and as they say in Iran. his sail was full.
The American partner were using the British technical of keeping all things of interest for themselves and trying to keep the natives in the dark.
We were dumb and happy. We were calling our none Iranian engineers "Sahib".
One morning the big boss came in and asked us if we knew where the Sahibs were?
It must have been the battle of the titans over the money. Nothing personal, just good business practices. Anyway they had packed and left and we were given a free hand to do what we thought was needed.
Iranians always fight with each other for the position. So, the big boss made the Greek American the boss, because he was over six foot tall and wore size 13 shoes which no body made in Iran and he had to go overseas to get a pair of shoes.
Any way the peace returned and we got busy. The client was happy, because we were not insulting his native Iranians like those Texans who used to think they were gods and were entitled saying what they thought to insult or degrade.
We got more interesting jobs, the oil wells were using pressure and a consultant had com up with a way to pressurize and inject filtered sea water to raise the oil level.
It was like magic, the client asked us to go to their off shore plat form. We thought since we were native Iranians, probably we had to swim or take a row boat.
We were wrong, they wanted us to fly in their helicopter.
We landed on their platform and were treated like professionals. These was going to spoil us and think we too are a Sahib. We did our inspections and took notes and pictures. It was lunch time and there were Texas size steak from Texas. Man I could get used to that. In the evening we had up to date movies, and enjoyed it.The living quarters were air conditioned and very nice. Before departure, the boss asked me what I thought of their platform. I told him it was wonderful and I really enjoyed it. I told him I could only think of one thing to get me go back, he agreed with me and told me that the people were still not enlightened enough. We departed as old friends.
I was in Texas and looking at the offshore platforms, and wondering if my friends were there and what they were eating for lunch.

Hey, What is Happening ?

Now that I have been retired and gotten used to the idle time. I get to entertain myself with the miracle of the technology. In the olden days we had only three net works and had beautiful shows such as American Band Stand, Surf side 6, 77 Sunset Strip. Now through the miracle of the satellite, cable, and wide band, we got over 30 channels and have to pay $40 a month and watch the reruns of the yesteryear. Isn't that a miracle the farther ahead we get the more we have to pay and the less we get. I guess it is the law of the nature. Everybody is upset about the war, the casualties are in only single digit thousands instead of double digit thousands.
People don't realize how important it is to the economy of the nation. Where would the manufacturers of all those killing equipment be without it. It is good that we manufacture all these equipment here and send it over there, Over there they steal it and sell it in the black markets. No harm done and the home folks are happy, they see all those brave men walking in the streets of Iraq and Afghanistan and making us safe in America. We get a Chance enjoying the children taking guns to school and doing a good job of it. Well there is still hope, there are some very lovely young and blond teachers who are kind hearted and share their beautiful bodies with the obnoxious young kids. What do they get in return, court appearance and degradation from a bunch of hicks and hypocrites who did not have the chance to appreciate the talent and the art. Just think of all those unhappy marriages which break down due to boredom and immaturity. Who pays the penalty, the poor husband, the wife gets the house, the car, the children and he gets the payments.
I think there should be a bill of rights for the poor souls.
I am so glad I had no property and the wife only got the spoiled brat. She had only 32 years to to train him for as a guard at the Abou Ghraib Prison in Baghdad.
On a visit to my house, he wanted to beat me up because Momma had taught him so, she hadn't told him that I was upset with her lies and infidelities.Now he is going through with similar experiences with his own wife. I don't know why anyone marries any more. If you want a faithful friend, you are better off buying a dog. A dear Greek American friend was telling me that marriage was like a toilet. The one in want to gat out and the ones out want to get in, Who can argue with a Greek any way, God bless him, he did not get to enjoy his freedom very long.
I don't know why I have become so cynical. It reminds me of the famous Greek philosopher telling his students that only a bad and nasty wife could make a man philosopher.
I am so glad that she did not get chance to ruin other poor soul's life.
I remember her late father who was righteous man and was filling unhappy for me and telling me that "some people were just no good".
He had experienced a similar episode in his life and was compassionate.
May God bless all the dead who suffered before us and are unable to express their true feelings.

A Day in The Traffic Court

It was a lazy summer, President Kennedy had been shot and the result of my final tests were not so spectacular.
My parents were not familiar with American grading system.
So every thing was normal.
Had not been able to find a summer job and did not want to degrade myself with the janitorial sciences. Ran into a friend who had found summer job at the State Highway Department.
He did not a place to stay, I told him to come and stay with me and I was going to teach him how to drive.
We started practicing in the parking lot of the grocery store. He used to get tense and go into the freeze mode and press on the gas.
He had never driven before and was going to be hard to get him used to a mechanical device.
My father had the same problem with my mother. He finally gave up.
I thought if he got to meet some girls and get used to the normal life, may be the miracle will happen and he will learn to calm down.
I tried to show him the art of the driving, when I saw the big red light in my rear view window and the police car was stopped behind me.
I stopped and received a speeding ticket gracefully, but was busting inside.
I told my friend to be careful, and don't let it happen to him.
On the appointed date, I went to the court house.
I was early and went inside and sat down on front seat. The Court opened up and the operation started.
The first case was a driver who had gotten a speeding ticket going 70 miles in a 45 mile zone.
He had come with his wife and the little children to receive a lighter sentence from the judge.
The judge asked him who they were. And said I was going to give you a light sentence and let you go. Now that I have seen your wife and the little children, I think you deserve a heavy fine and jail time to teach you not speed and take chances.
The father the process went, the worse it got.
I was sitting there with no insurance and no lawyer. I heard others call him your honor. When it got to my turn, I got excited and called him your majesty, He told me to call him judge or your honor.
I told him in a very bad accented English that I was very sorry your majesty. He said if I called him your majesty once more, he would charge me with the contempt of court.
I told him that I was very sorry. He asked me what I was doing in the US.
I told him I was going to college. He said how could I study with such poor English. I told him it was not easy and I had to try very hard.
He asked me if I had insurance I told him yes. He had sent the previous guys who did not have insurance to jail.
It was just a matter of self preservation, nothing personal.
He told me he did not want to see me in his court again, then let me go.
Every body was calling him the hanging judge.

The Joys of an Older Brother

When I was born at home, he was sitting there and waiting. He had missed his younger brother who had died four years ago, due to meningitis.
I was going to be his new toy, he was barely eight years old.
He was tall and strong, I was wrapped in diapers and covered by a heavy blanket.
He didn't want me to catch meningitis and die too. He asked his dad to take a picture of him holding me.
I was something new and he was just getting used to having some one new in the family.
He was proud of me, when I grew he would share his secrets with me.
The years went by very fast and I had learned to walk and talk a little.
He had started the primary school and had already flunked.
It was not a great start. He was sick of lectures by the family of his studies and the wild behavior. So what, he would say I have failed in school, he could do that again.
He had become restless and had seen Adventures of" Ali Abba", "Gulliver's Travels". He wanted to do some of the same. He needed money, so he broke into my mother's savings box and took all her savings.
He took the bus to the next town which was about sixty miles away and found a job at a barber shop as a cleaning person.
My mom and dad were going crazy and had filed with all the relevant authorities.
Those were the Second World War Years and Iran was occupied by the Allied forces.
After two weeks, they had found him and brought him back. He had also seen some war films and wanted to join the fighting.
He had contacted the Russian forces who were going back to Russia and told them that he was just an orphan and wanted to go to his grandfather in Russia.
They had believed him and were taking him to Russia and was picked up on the boarder and sent back.
There were a few more adventures, my mother took him to the Russian Red Cross hospital and showed him to psychiatrist.
The doctor examined him and said it is because he is abnormally intelligent and can not cope with his age and needs to be occupied with something interesting such as music.
So he started with a used mandolin. He was up every morning with his mandolin on the balcony, playing the latest radio tunes.
Next was a used guitar. In one year, he went through half the instrument list.
He created an orchestra and was writing and playing music.
He only 16 years old and over 6 foot tall and had gotten interested in the politics.
He started with the communist party and got arrested and took many influential people to convince the police that he was still a child and don't take him seriously and let him go home.
He finally discovered girls and we were sure that he was safe now.
Later on when he hit the twenties and used to sit and moan and grown, my mother would tell him why he does not pick up and run away from home like the old days.
My dad finally sent him to Germany to study. Later on when i was collage age, I asked my him to send me to Germany too.
He said absolutely not, the Germans have suffered already too much from one son and they don't deserve the other one.

My Beloved Dogs

Dogs are considered unclean in most Muslim countries, and not allowed to come inside of the house because the daily prayers can not be performed where dogs have walked or slept.
My wife and I had been raised with dogs from the childhood and we considered them part of the family.
We were living in rented apartments after our return from Iran, due to the glorious Islamic revolution.
Finally we came to saint Louis and bought our first house in 1987. Now we had a place of our own and could do what we wanted to.
One day we saw a house for sale sign in the neighborhood and went to see what they were asking for it.
It was the house of an American husband and an Egyptian woman.
It was friendship at first sight.
We talked about the pyramids, the Egyptian delicacies and culture.
She invited us to her party the next week and we had a good time learning how to do belly dancing and other exotic marvels.
We met another Egyptian couple who were both medical doctors and had signed a contract to go to Saudi Arabia for a year.
They had just bought a Chinese dog (Lhasa Ab-so) and were wondering if we could take of him while they were gone.
We accepted and they brought him over. He was a fuzzy pretty little thing and we named him Micky, in honor of Micky Mouse.
Next came a German miniature long hair Dachshund. Who was so sweet that we called him Cookie.
He really knocked us out of our socks. He was the son we always wanted. We used to take them for long walks and tried to treat them both with dignity, didn't want them do tricks or other silly things.
On thanks giving 1989, we were expecting company and when I opened the door, he run out and got run over by a huge soccer mom and her large brown van.
It was all over in a short time and we were very upset, but couldn't do much about it.
Now cookie was our only pet and we spoiled him rotten. We took him to Huston to our in laws. He enjoyed the trip.
He lived with us for 15 years and passed away due to Cancer. We are still talking to him in our hearts and miss him.
I used to talk to him every morning and sometimes I felt he wanted to talk back.
My dear Cookie, thank you for 15 lovely years and God bless you for all the joys you brought to our lives.
Your non-dog daddy.

The Road Side Bomb Recall

The Iraqi insurgents were really mad, the Iranian supplied read side bombs were blowing up prematurely and as Orson Wells would have said, before its time.
The insurgents had gotten killed, blinded, wounded. had lost limbs, and in some cases had gotten impotent. Returning home to the wives, girl friends, and concubines had become embarrassing. They complained to Imam Sadder and told him what was happening and he better contact the supreme lead in Tehran and his dog and ask for a quick recall. The call was made and the Imam asked if the Iranians were buying the road side bombs from the Chinese. He was told that they were manufactured in Iran. Imam told him that they had quality control problem. If the produced their atom bomb same as their road side bomb to let him know as soon as possible, Because he didn't want to blow up to kingdom come while there was still time. Imam asked for refunds, The supreme leader told him that the bombs were supplied free of charge, complement of the Islamic Republic. Imam said, but you have caused death and injury ,and worse than all impotency.
Imam said his people expected to be compensated and he had no access to funds.
All reconstruction and improved funds were swallowed by the American contractors, and what was not swallowed was taken over by the well connected subcontractors.
He said his has not been able to pay his people salary and his people have been trying to sell drugs like the Viet Nam days to the Americans, but the Americans have gotten used to good stuff from Afghanistan and are not willing to buy or pay good prices for what they had. The supreme leader said how about women and boys ?
Imam said, they don't like our hairy and smelly ones. The supreme leader said he will supply him with quality, with the next shipment.
Everything was back on the track and the recall was averted.

The Brain Washed Americans

Americans have been brain washed to think that it is bad to discriminate and make fun of someone's language, race, creed, and traditions.
I think it is very wrong and should be reversed.
Can you imagine how dull it would be to erase all those lovely Polish jokes which have lightened the sky in Chicago with laughter.
Such as the one about the Pollacks not being allowed to swim in Lake Michigan, because they left a ring around the lake.
Or why they put a bucket of cow droppings in a Polish wedding, to keep the flies off the bride.
I don't think our dear Jewish friends would mind to hear why an eighty old couple had decided to Waite for sixty years to get divorced.
Because they didn't wanted to upset their children and had to wait for them to die so they could get divorced.
I am an Iranian by origin, and consider myself a reformed Muslim who enjoys the imported French and Scottish brandy.
I have heard a lot of jokes about the Iraqis and the rag heads. I have enjoyed them as much as the ones who told them to me.
Back home, we don't have the verity or the selection you have here. so we make fun of what we have according to where they live. We call the ones from North who live by the Caspian Sea the "Fish Head Eaters" which is true and they don't get offended.
I can not get used to the new American standard and make everything tasteless and bland for the sake of a few obnoxious minority who will be offended no natter what we say or do.
I say as a newly naturalized American, lets have fun again like the old days and not let the pink skened, freckled faced moral majority dictate our standards.
Lets have equal jokes and fun about all.
The discrimination must stop only in the business and working place which will never happen, It has happened to me many times.
Now that I am retired and waiting at the waiting room for the "Pearly Gates" I say let it all hang out and enjoy those lovely Jewish, Polish, and Irish jokes.
Well this is an old Polish joke about the transplant of the asshole with a Pollack which the asshole rejected the Pollack. What did you expect ?
Long live our Polish brothers who have endured our sometime tasteless jokes.
Now it is time to go after a new victim.
The African Americans must be left out, because Jessie  or Al will get after us and we would be in serious trouble with one million man marches or similar happenings.
Well how about Cesar Chavez, he is a good friend of Fidel Castro and dose not have much support.
My mother always told me not to pick on somebody bigger than myself, and it has help me to avoid getting killed on many occasions.
I hope I have taken on some one tiny and small.
May God bless the small and the weak.

The American Way

The days of the flower children and the Age of Aquarius were over. Now was the age of borne again Christians, The Moral Majority, Bobby and Tammy Bakers.
Oh, what eye lashes she had, they protected her face, chest, and nose from getting sun burned.
Her husband was as honest and faithful as a genuine Muslim ayatollah or clergy, except he was a pervert and only preferred young girls.
The Bakers wanted to develop a Disney Land in Heaven for the believers who had lots of money and didn't know what to do with it. It was a great pie in the sky.
I was thinking that we Iranians and the Muslims were generally foolish and waiting for Mahdi, the last Muslim Imam who had disappeared in the sky and was going to come back to save us from our selves.
Here, they were saving the good folks on a regular basis at reasonable donations.
Who says that religion is not a growth business. It is carried out from the christal palaces and the TV studios in color and in stereo.
It dose not have to be live, with the advancement of the science and technology.
It can be taped and broadcast on regular basis.
As long as it included the latest address and the the telephone number, the checks, cash, and the credit card donations would follow.
I was so glad to see that there were so many capable helpers.
If he had been left alone, he would be having a hard time handling what he had created.
It was said that the foundation of the religion was based upon Bingo, and Fish fries.
The Muslims were left behind and wanted to catch up, one of the ayatollahs who was exposed to the western cultures, had suggested the seven card stud poker in the mosques. Since the Muslims couldn't count up to seven. Also a lot of them didn't know the Latin alphabets, the experiment failed.
The next experiment was the celebration of "death to America" with sheep liver kabob, followed by the serving of the revolutionary guards produced moonshine in small glasses at reasonable prices.
This would show the damn infidels the unique talent of the Muslims in management and fund raising.
It was very successful, and they raised enough funds to buy five medium size atomic bombs from the Israelis with the same financing arrangements as the ones for the airplane spare parts in the past.
They did not trust the Pakistanis and the North Korean bombs, some of them were duds with with no refund.

Dear Ernie

It has been a long time since you have been gone. Sorry that you put the gun barrel in your mouth and blew your head off.
I wish you had waited a bit longer and done that to my ex-wife and had saved me lots of grief.
She has hijacked my son and the three grand daughters and is keeping them hidden in Oregon.
I was telling her that she was missing my dead mother and father and soon myself and my sick brother mto complete her set.
I asked her if she wanted, I could write a will and and have them all sent to her in Oregon, but she has to give me her correct address first and to pay for the lawyer costs. You have no idea how expensive the lawyers have gotten, a simple will at my friendly neighborhood lawyer costed me $500, which is more than all my assets, he doesn't even have an ugly secretary in his one room office.
You have missed lots of fun in Viet Nam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Bosnia. and shortly in Iran.  Every body was asking about you and talking about your masterpieces such as "The Sun Also Rises" and the "old Man and The Sea", you see I never liked fish and didn't know what was so great about it.
On the other hand, not every one likes Chicago style thick pan pizzas, and the Mafia run pizza parlors still are thriving.
Another sad event has been the disappearance of those nice looking gay English boys from London with their Lovely Cockney accents. I hear the Saudis have been recruiting them and taking them to Arabia to drive the Saudi princesses around. You see the women still can not drive automobiles over there.
They are afraid that the young ladies with the hairy chest, legs and tender mustache might divert the true believers and get them away from their faith.
The young English male lovelies are providing a fabulous entertainment for the princes and their body guards. You see, with that nutty sadists loose, nobody can be safe in the London gambling houses or in Mayfair in the company of the lovely English ladies or men who were the distant descendants of their sahib " Sir Lawrence".
Oh what is the world coming to, soon we will need some one like good old Adolph to make things orderly and right again, but the poor soul died for our sins. There was a slight hope that with the rise of the new right wing evangelicall Republicans and their high intellect leaders and occupation of the house seats, things might straighten out again.
Well may be our next president would be the pear shaped wife of of a previous president who could not put up with the boredom of the office and kept himself occupied with better things of life. Man could he lie good like my God blessed hero  Richard. They went after silly things such as abortion which is the natural right of every knocked up rich kid with a good sense, or the reduction  of taxes on the rich. If there were no rich  people,Who would pay for the  election circus?
They should have instituted for life presidency and saved the rich and the tax payers who are different groups of people lots of time and money.

Old Habits Don't Die

Now that she is gone and her ashes are in a small box that the funeral home charged me $75  pluse tax. I think of the woman who had given birth to me. She was only 16 when she had married my dad. He was tall and hansome, but not a good business man. He had failed in everything that his friends had succeded, but he was tall and had been exposed to the better things of life in Europe. His mother had spoiled him and had send him gold coins with packages of pistchios while he was in France. Mama did not want the handsome boy suffer. Now the party was over and he was back home and married with a baby on the way. He had gotten a low paying job at the government bank and had to go to mama on a regular basis and ask for help. My mother had gotten used to this situation and had become very econamical in her spendings. Even in the later years when things were not so bad and we could go to a cheap restaurant and enjoy ourselves, she would always say that she was not hungry and order only two dishes for the three of us and would take half of my father's dish and half of mine. We usualy came home hungry. I had decided to stay at home and by-pass all glory and pleasure of eating out. After studying in the US and going home, I introduced her to Pizza. She was fascinated with it and was talking about it with her friends on the phone. He wanteded to try her hands and create her own pizza which had very little cheese, tomato paste, no peperony and green pepper. we gave her an A plus and named her masterpiece "The Bread Lover's Pizza". May your pizzas have more cheese whereever you are.

What to Do About George

Poor George Bush was getting older and had been disgraced and frustrated by his son the president.
Ronny the communicator had told him on his deathbed that he felt very blessed because his children had stayed out of the elected office business and had gone to other fields such as ballet dancing and TV news.
He said why don't you ask you son to try ballet dancing. The sad father said that he can not dance and he has two left feet. Ronny said I was afraid, with you hidden in the White House he might come over and get weird ideas.
As the end of George's term was approaching, Bush Sr. was getting more worried.
They had blocked Bill Clinton getting a raise in his pension and then they had increased his son's retirement pension exponentially.
Well there was something special about having powerful friends, they had pulled his head out of the hat twice.
He had been complementing his boy's intelligence and good character. When the brain drain agents got interested and approached him, he got worried that the son might embarrass him again and they might ask for their money back.
Ronny said he knew his limitations and had learned to read his lines and to watch Nancy.
Well, he had not listened and now he was in trouble. Dick Chaney, his old side kick said why don't you call the Faisal's and find out if they can help.
Well you got their fat out of the fire once, now it is their turn.
He got his special encoded and ciphered telephone which Dick had borrowed from the Japanese prime minister's office and had given it to his boss.
The system was several years old and only the Israelis could tap into it and record his personal and business conversations.
The Faisal's also had one like it. The Israeli Mos sad had given it to them to put the fear of God in them.
Dear Faisal, is that you?
Yes dear George, what can I do for you?
Do you think I Can park little George, your god son in your place?
He has pissed off some seious people who are all after him and want to kill him.
Dear George, let me think about it about.
My dear Faisal, do you remember the Desert Shield Party.
You called and we came, now we call, you have to think.
Well dear old buddy, I got a little problem.
He has a weird smile that only Barbra and her dog Milli like.
If you can train him to stop laughing, dye his black, don't give "Axis of Evil"
speeches and dress like a true Saudi prince with the whole works, he can come.
We will introduce him as an illegitimate Saudi price that my family has been planting in Europe and America for the past half century.
I hear he is also circumcised. That will make it possible for him to go with the other prices to the public bath and not stick out like a sore thumb.
Well what is next. May Allah bless you and protect you and your camels give
produce healthy and beautiful camels.
You never know when the next flood comes.

The Joys of Marriage

Marriage has changed a great deal from our parent's days. I don't want to say that there were no breaking ups of the marriages. All I can say is that there were not so many lawyers and the event did not turn into an all out war. In my own case, I can say that I was totally scolped and left to dry. I think it was my own fault, I had started dating a young lady who looked harmless and wounded. My predecessor was lucky and had escaped the future punishments by dropping her and saving his skin. I really don't think anybody can truly save himself from the axperiment permanently. It might be a temporary reprieve. Anyway, I was the victim of my own success with the young lady. She indicated that she had been hurt and the way to her heart was through generosity and entertainment. I spent most of my unemployment checks on her wining and dining. Those were the age of the Aquarius and the flower children. we were all wearing funny and children type clothes and shoes. Little kisses turned to long kisses, hugs and regular journey in a well traveled road. Next thing I see is the Chapel of the Bells in Las Vegas, NV, where we got married and celebrated the occasion in a fancy casino drinking free booze. I lost control and got drunk and lost several hundred dollars on the tables. We went back to LA and packed suitcases and went home. Had a son in 1973 and were overjoyed. The wife was becoming very picky and depressed and out of hand. I bought her plane tickets and sent them home to LA which she never came back and applied and got a divorce. My troubles were over now, I had lost my son and she was teaching him how cheep and stupid I was, it was partially true.
I noticed that the same was happening in Iran, but since no one was allowed to own or carry a gun. all violence was limited to the knives and pick axes.
I heard somebody say, I wish we had guns so we could make killings less painful and quicker.
Well what are you going to do, you have to go with the punches and try not to get married, and in case of the big mistake treat each other a little bit nicer and don't go for the throat. Now with the occupation of Iraq, there should be plenty of smuggled and used military guns in the black market. Start saving your money for the unseen and unpredictable. I heard some one say that divorce was made in heaven and must be celebrated with more dignity and zest than a wedding. With all the divorces you would think marriage was obsolete. I had a Greek American friend who had been hurt by several marriages and was saying that marriage is like the bathroom, those who are in want to come out and those who are out want to get in. How poetic can one get? The poor soul did not live long enough to enjoy his freedom, he passed last year.

Hail to The Chief

It was a happy occasion, Barbara Bush had just given birth to a weird looking baby boy.
Now they were proud parents of a bundle of joy.
Barbara was from a very distinguished family which included presidents and other high officials.
George was a war hero, he had crashed his fighter plane in the Pacific Ocean waters without getting hurt and was lucky to be picked up by an American submarine.
Just think if he had been picked up by a Japanese submarine, things would have been a lot different.
There would be a different supreme court with 9 other justices who would not know who the Bushes were.
There would have been one less saving and loan bank failure which the tax payer had to bail out at a cost of $600 million dollars.
Baby George was their first born and they were worried that the Egyptian first born syndrome might happen again.
They had to seal his bond with Jehovah by circumcising him. The bonding was done with one strike of the sharp knife and he was safe now.
They loved him and raised him like a good crooked and religious politician.
Now he was safe and could enjoy drinking and horsing around.
He was lucky to be borne in a high class and wealthy family.
The King of Saudi Arabia was a friend of daddy and also his Uncle Faisal, and used to send him his private Boeing 747 jet to take him wherever he wanted to go.
Doesn't life suck and give you a heart burn ?
His father had occupied high government offices and it was time to move on, he declared his candidacy.
He was over taken by the great communicator who used to receive help, coaching and astrological and fortune telling guidance from his wife Nancy.
How could could anyone beat such power full forces.
Barbara his previously pretty wife, had aged a lot and everybody was thinking she was his mother.
He had come up with the Voodoo Economic concept.
To shut him and keep under his tomb, Ronny nominated him as his vice resident.and nobody saw him or heard from him for 8 years.
He came back to life and with the help from the powerful friends and fellow secret society members, he came back to life and got nominated and elected.
Poor George did not have staying power, but was able to fill up the Supreme Court with obedient friends for the future plans.
You never know what happens when you plant a seed.
The rascal from Arkansas beat him at his own game and took the presidency.
Bad things were happening, there was a surplus, no wars, the price of oil had stabilized.
How could the American society take all this abuse. So, he had to go.
But old Bill was an expert poker player and survived the ordeal, but broke the heart of the lovely lady who had saved him in his loneliness of the office by calling "her that girl".
Dear Bill I don't blame you for lying and covering your ass, it has been done many times before.
But how can you hurt the feelings of such a nice person who has brought you so much pleasure and let you spray her dress ?
Shame on you Bill, You also treated poor Jenifer Flower very poorly too, you really deserved getting sued by that big nose lady from your home state whom you had propositioned.
I hope it will not become a habit with you.
If you think I am going to vote for your wife, you have got a surprise coming.
Well we better get back to good old George Jr. His father's scheme finally worked and they pulled him by the ears from the hat not once but twice.
He was elected from Florida (the entrance to the Here After Land).
You should have also had a heart and kept dear Saddam Hussein alive, so I could requested for his kidneys for my transplant and saved myself from going to the dialysis center, maybe you can save Chemical Ali, if he has not damaged his kidneys.
I have been coming up with weird schemes to save the world by encouraging the people in Texas to paint their gardens green with the Chinese made heavy leaded paint.
This will eliminate the need to put up a long and high wall across the boarder.
Let them come in and enjoy the miracles of the lead paint.
Well, hope to see you all after the next dialysis

The Flying Aces