A Letter to United Airlines....

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Sharareh Golshani
by Sharareh Golshani
26-May-2009
 

Before we get to my letter to United Airlines, I have to give you a little background...

I travel a lot for work (and trust me that's not a good thing), and this story began today when I walked through the gate and made my way to the United/Skywest Express Aircraft. (and all that means is that it's a tiny little airplane which makes you spend the whole flight praying that it makes it!!!)  



As I walked through the gate I began to think about the character who would sit next to me and prayed from the bottom of my heart that it would be someone who's deaf.  I know that sounds really bad, but it appears that there's this sign "please talk to me" on my forehead that only people in planes see.  



So, I got on the plane, found my seat and quietly sat down. 

"You going home?" the extremely overweight man next to me, who was slurping a Coke, asked.  "Yes, I'm going home" and to myself "if you don't eat me". 
Him:   "Yeah I'm going home too"
Me: "That's great.  Hope you enjoy your trip"
Him:  "Those your eyes?"
Me: (to God:  Ey khodaye mehrabun, age vojood dari begoo bebinam man che hizome tari be shoma forukhtam?)  "Yes, they're mine, I try to stay away from borrowing other peoples' eyes, you know sanitary issues"
Him:  (laughing as if what I had said was really that funny, and may I add that when this man laughed I worried about the plane breaking...ok I'm being mean, that's mean, forgive me)   "they're weird, I mean they don't look real"
Me: "hmmmm, thank you, I guess" 
Him: "John" he said as he spilled some of the coke on himself.
Me: (here we go...)  "Sharareh.  Nice to meet you."
Him:  (laughing obnoxiously, yes, apparently my name is that funny) "hahahah weird name and weird eyes"
Me:  (to myself:  weird amate)  "You're too kind"
Him:  "and you're funny"
Me: (to myself:  kojasho didi, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit...to God:  merci, merci, vaghean merci.)
Him:   "where you from"
Me:  (isn't it supposed to be "where ARE you from"...not that my grammar is that good but still...)  "eeeran"
Him:  "where?"
Me:  "I" "RAN" 
Him:  "hmm I don't know where that is"
Me:  "really? I even pronounced it both ways for you! well don't feel bad,  it's a tiny little village in China."
Him: "wow, now that's weird, you really don't look chinese!"
Me: (man ham mariz shodam...akhe yeki nist bege dokhtar hosele dari mardomo sare kar mizari...) "thanks, I guess...well looks like we're getting ready to take off..." and with that I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep the entire flight.

I pretended to sleep and began to think...and I remembered a story my Dad once told me about this guy who was sitting by the ocean with a bowl of "maast" and when asked what he was doing he said "making doogh" and when asked if he reaaaaaallly thought that was possible he replied "shayad sakht bashe, vali age beshe, chi mishe!!!" and with this story crowding my thoughts I decided to write a letter to United Airlines...who knows, if it works it'll be something...yani age beshe, chi mishe!!!

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Dear United Airlines,



Hello!  How are you?  I am frequent flyer member number 01233548046 and currently hold the 1K status.  I'm sure this tells you just how much I fly.  I am writing to you today and hoping that you will help me.  You see, I am having a dilemma!  As you can see in your records, I have flown over 100,000 miles over the last 6 months, thus majority of my time is spent on one of your aircrafts!  



Now, while I appreciate the upgrades and wonderful service you offer, I wanted to complain a little bit about the seating arrangement!  Yes the seating arrangement!  Really, I have no problems with the delays, cancellations, and maintenance issues...just a small tiny little problem with the seating arrangement...



You see, I always end up sitting next to the older business woman who breathes so heavy that I can hear her over my Ipod, or the man who is old enough to be my father yet hits on me the entire flight,  or the woman who is pregnant and can't seem to talk about anything other than the odd, gross, and totally unacceptable physical changes she's experiencing,  or the man without any class who doesn't seem to get the hint and interrupts my reading, watching the movie, listening to my Ipod, and work to talk to me about meaningless, useless topics, and the worst one of all...the handsome perfect man who not only has class, but a wedding ring too!   



So I just wanted to ask you to help me out here...given that there's only 24 hours in a day, after flying half of it, working, and attempting to get to my necessary daily chores (which includes the responsibility of entertaining my family and a dog), I am left with no time for a social life...and have reached the conclusion that perhaps there's a way to kill two birds with one stone!

So please,  if it's not too much trouble, could you please put a single man between the ages 35-40, Persian (one who speaks the language, please I can not take my name being butchered or changed to Sara), not a lawyer (as I have no intention of being interrogated over dinner) and please not a dentist (as they have the highest suicide rate), perhaps a man who's kind, intelligent, handsome, respectful, with class, who doesn't laugh too much, keeps up with world news, enjoys a good drink, can hold a debate, doesn't yell, curse or spit, one who doesn't cook, has an eye for art, doesn't wear tennis shoes, enjoys classical music, is rather formal, can dance, smells good and likes to talk on airplanes, next to me! 

And well, if that's too much trouble, or impossible to find, I'll settle for a DEAF person.  



I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read this.


See you on my next flight.

Sincerely,


Frequent flyer member 01233548046

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Well "exaggerated Iranian

by Hassan Askari (not verified) on Thu May 28, 2009 10:57 AM PDT

Well "exaggerated Iranian woman" does not cook! The discussion of food usually comes up when she and her husband are both hungry at home after work and they fight about what and how to eat!

The tennis shoes, if a man is "always dressed up" you want him to wear tennis shoes and be a little casual say on a Saturday morning or evening. Like the movie Seven Pounds where Will Smith was always formal in shirt and tie and she got her a pink tennis shirt (tennis shoes, wink wink ;-)


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Sharareh Golshani

I love...

by Sharareh Golshani on Wed May 27, 2009 06:40 PM PDT

you all...

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment :) It means a great deal to me.

I have to say this was more a sarcastic blog than anything...I was bored on the plane and when I get bored my imagination entertains me...or I should say attempst to entertain me!  I am actually married to the most wonderful man in the whole entire world :)  And he laughed outloud when he read this!

IRANdokht joon:  I found the song...LOL it's great LOL thanks for the tip :)

My dearest MPD:   I forgot to mention he must be able to grow a great "sabzeh" and his room must be organized! LOL you're the coolest! 

Dear Ex programmer Craig:  As a current developer Sharareh, believe me my "seriously, don't talk to me" face never works!  I'm doing it wrong, darn it!  

Hamsade Ghadimi joon: YOU GOT IT!  LOL

Anahid joon:  You're so right!  I fly almost every other week and refuse to check anything in anymore!

Ohhh Princess joon:  I Love you.

Dear Flying Solo and KouroshS:  You said exactly what I was trying to say in this blog!  I was trying to use sarcasm to get a point across.  Thank you for your comments.  

Dear Hassan Askari:   So the doesn't cook part, I was trying to relate that to the mind set that a woman is supposed to cook and men aren't...so I figured the exaggerated Iranian woman would be looking for that manly man who doesn't cook...and the no tennis shoe part, was to create the picture that the man's always dressed up...I'll work on my characters more, I promise :)

eroonman joon:   Now we're talking!  If you decide to go into business and need a partner, you know where to find me...LOL

 


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eroonman

Where are you when I am flying?

by eroonman on Wed May 27, 2009 03:49 PM PDT

Maybe there should be a service like Twitter that allows you to Tweet when you will be flying so that a mutually agreeable seat partner can sit next to you when you fly. Kind of like a dating service for Planes, except you are matched based on your promising not to talk to or bother the other person. Actually now that I think about it, that's a cool idea for a dating service.

TolerableSingles.com!

"Our matches won't annoy you!"


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my expectations are very low

by Anonymous1 (not verified) on Wed May 27, 2009 03:29 PM PDT

I don't care how fat, ugly, stupid, or other negative attributes they might have, as long as they don't fart, I am perfectly happy. I also hate when they try to open the overhead compartment. I am scared of something dropping on me.

Once a guy sitting next me, pretending to take something out of his breast pocket, kept going at my poor boobies, I was like, ...yulk, and elbowed him back, and he retreated.


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- doesn't cook? - doesn't

by Hassan Askari (not verified) on Wed May 27, 2009 11:09 AM PDT

- doesn't cook?
- doesn't wear tennis shoes?

Huh?! Would you elaborate a bit please? These 2 seem out of place.


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The Problem

by KouroshS on Wed May 27, 2009 08:46 AM PDT

 Nicely and creatively done.

However, one problem that i always see with potentially eligible men and ladies of iranian descent ready to find their suitable mates, generally  is that there is always this long, long list of requests and conditions that they determine and they want every single one of them met, Yet there is not much that is being offered in return.

The expectation off the get-go is that they want to see someone who is absolutely perfect in every way, yet they fail to make a real and true connection to that person, see and call one another on their shortcomings and therefore after a while and maybe a few months, we see a long list of complaints and "this is not what i thought it was gonna be like" and etc. That is why the divotce rates have been skyrocketing lately.

Like Flying solo says , Working on one's attitude or having the right attitude. We have to face it, when we set the agenda on such strict terms and conditions, and maintain certain attitudes towards certain people, how can we expect a miracle to happen?


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Flying Solo

Nice Writing

by Flying Solo on Wed May 27, 2009 06:17 AM PDT

Sharareh Khanoum,

This essay was amusing.

Have you considered changing airlines perhaps?  Continental has more hotties. ;)

You seem to have a pretty tight spec on the man, which makes it a tad difficult to find at a fancy party, let alone on an airplane. Nevertheless, do consider upgrading to first class and spend more time in the passengers lounge - maybe?

99% of meeting the right person is attitude. Who knows - that overweight man who was spilling coke on himself may have a hot friend or be a wonderful person inside.  That pregnant woman who told you about her ails, may have a brother looking for a middle eastern beauty. If you don't want people to judge you by your name or place of origin (both of which are fantastic conversation openers by the way), then maybe you would do well by  not judging them by their outward appearance.

Signed: Member of too many miles to count and too old to remember :)


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Princess

I hear ya...

by Princess on Wed May 27, 2009 05:50 AM PDT

Sharareh jan, If you start a petition I'll sign it. :) 

Nice and to the point! 


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Anahid Hojjati

Sharareh jan, nice writing

by Anahid Hojjati on Wed May 27, 2009 04:40 AM PDT

Dear Sharareh, I also enjoyed reading your blog and agree with IRANdokht about it being similar to Ziba Shirazi's song.  Good luck with finding your man but don't get your hopes up about matchmaking by United.  All you can expect from airlines is a joyous(!) takeoff, smooth flight, eventless landing, and not losing your luggage.  Rest of it these days seems not to happen.  Some airlines now charge for many things that once were free.   


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hamsade ghadimi

backup plan

by hamsade ghadimi on Tue May 26, 2009 09:41 PM PDT

why don't you eat some maast-moosir before your next flight?  i just hope you won't be sitting next to that perfect man you've been waiting for.  :)


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ex programmer craig

Either that, or you can

by ex programmer craig on Tue May 26, 2009 08:10 PM PDT

Either that, or you can work on your "Seriously, don't talk to me" face.

Cute story, though! I enjoyed reading it :)

 


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Multiple Personality Disorder

I don't, but would WE qualify?

by Multiple Personality Disorder on Thu May 28, 2009 05:20 AM PDT

.

.

single man,   check
speaks the language,   check
not a lawyer,   check
not a dentist,   check
a man who's kind,   check
intelligent,   check
handsome,   check
respectful,   check
has class,   check
doesn't laugh too much,   check
keeps up with world news,   check
enjoys a good drink,   check
can hold a debate,   check
doesn't yell,   check
doesn't curse,   check
doesn't spit,   check
doesn't cook,   check
has an eye for art,   check
doesn’t wear tennis shoes,   check
enjoys classical music,   check
is rather formal,   check
can dance,   check
smells good,   check
likes to talk on airplanes,   check
is 35-40,   negative, negative, that's a no go

Roger that 


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IRANdokht

cute

by IRANdokht on Tue May 26, 2009 04:47 PM PDT

Dear Shahrareh

I enjoyed reading your blog which reminded me of the Ziba Shirazi's song my man where she puts a list together and decribes the man she's loooking for.

Please let me know if UA's matchmaking works! :o)

IRANdokht


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