Divorce, Stigma and Futures

Omid B
by Omid B
21-Nov-2009
 

Friends:

I'm currently going through a divorce from an Iranian (IRI national, native and brought up there). I know I'm probably not the first person to have this challenging experience.

I'm happy that I get a second chance at life. And I'm even more happy that I have become who I am today. I think I am going to be a far better partner in the future, because of my experiences. I am not averse to love or to women. I just had an empty but faithful marriage, which has left me hungry to share a real connection with someone. I especially want to share my life with an Iranian woman who can share my culture. But I prefer someone with a Western mentality, like me.

Question: Do Iranian women think men like me are lakeh dar? Or do Iranian women appreciate constructive experience, no matter the shape? I know both kinds exist... but I'm curious to see what readers like you think.

Question 2: Since I am so Americanized, I have an especial concern that my Iranian culture will be too diluted in the future. This explains my desire to have an Iranian partner, to reinforce this part of my identity. Do any of you find this concern to be misplaced or unneeded?

I would love to read about any thoughts that cross your mind, regarding my experience or your own.

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Dordooneh

Omid B

by Dordooneh on

You said it well. Every healthy human being needs love and connection and that sence of belonging to another.


Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

This has been a most enlightning thread

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

Thank you for the blog

ناتاليا


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Sheila K

by Omid B on

I was born and raised in the US, so that explains why I'm so Americanized. I've tried to resist!

I did not clarify that I'm interested in love (rather than merely re-marriage, which is shallow). I honestly don't care if I never get married... I just yearn for that connection, and the beauty in it. I do want to spend my life with someone, but not necessarily now. And not necessarily marriage. So we agree!

However, I do not shy away from the totally legitimate need I have for connection and love. I'm a healthy human being. I had none of that valueable stuff in my marriage. And it's silly for me to let society's obsession with the legal nonsense to prevent me from pursuing what I think makes life beautiful. Now or whenever I like.

I do not believe women in Iran are better or worse. I never mentioned, even in remotely similar terms, a sentiment like that. And if I did, I didn't mean it.

 

Yours,

Omid


Sheila K

why do you want to be married?

by Sheila K on

Why do you want to be married so soon after a divorce? What if you don't get married ever? What if you just meet someone and be happy in a long term relationship?

Seems to me that your ex wife was brought here thru marriage, then what makes you so Americanized? Did you believe then women in Iran are better?

My suggestion would be to move on with your life with or without marriage. There are so many other things you can do in life to bring purpose and happiness. Marriage is not the key to happiness.


hamsade ghadimi

ash kashk khalateh...

by hamsade ghadimi on

omid jan,

you haven’t gotten divorced and already thinking about getting married again?  mashallah be eshtehaa.  after a full meal, i usually think about dessert not another meal.  you got pretty good advices so far and some pretty bad ones too and i’m sure only you can decide which one is which.  I have friends that are married to non-iranians who have kept their Iranian-ness, if you will.  in fact, the wife of one of them travels without him to iran with the kids in tow because he can’t spend as much vacation time there (she likes to spend couple of months in iran in the summer).  the wife and kids are fluent in farsi now.  and yet i know of Iranian couples whose kids don’t speak farsi and don’t like to even go and visit iran.  go figure.

one thing I don’t agree with is that marriage is only for those who want to have children.   does that mean that one has to be sure that they want to have children before they get married.  or if they decide not to have children after they get married, they might as well divorce.  if that is so, then marriage works well for those who never change their mind and always know what they want. bottom line is that people get married for different reasons. 

in summary, the answers to your questions are 1) it depends, and 2) yes.

lastly, javadagha: chakerim.

yaa hoo


yolanda

......

by yolanda on

Hi Holly,

     I agree with you here:

*************************** 

 And the most common scenario among Iranians nowadays is that both are educated professionals and contribute to the wealth of the family equally.

***************************

Thank you! 

Delaram Banafsheh (Yolanda)

"Cactus in the Desert"


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Javadagha

by Omid B on

I appreciate your attention to my post. 

Just to clarify my position (as there is some controversy among Near East scholars), I know Iranian culture is not about kabob. But sure, that position affronts the findings of archaeologist Professor Divu Nenistam, who represents the majority view. He excavated one fossilized sikh of ground beef, with rice, at the site of Cyrus's tomb, bearing the inscription (translated of course): one sikh, one people.

So, Javad, although you and me hold the minority opinion, I think we're right!

Yours,

Omid


HollyUSA

JavadAghga

by HollyUSA on

"When a woman figures out how much she can get ($$), she will think why not. "

That is niether nice nor accurate Sir. It would be appropriate to exchange the word 'when' for 'some' at least. And to be fair, a lot of men also marry wealthy women for money. It used to be that if a woman was rich it was probably due to inheritance and hence there were fewer wealthy women than men. But that's fast changing and a lot of professionals who happen to be women have their own wealth. And the most common scenario among Iranians nowadays is that both are educated professionals and contribute to the wealth of the family equally. I could argue the monetary value of the work of a housewife and mother too but I'm sure you can figure that out.

It really is nice to word our statements carefully when speaking from personal experience.


capt_ayhab

JavadAgha

by capt_ayhab on

You note[The majority of Iranians, both women and men, do not care about culture or heritage.  They care where they live, what they drive,]

I do not think that this a fair assessment of Iranian family units. Although I agree with you to a certain disagree, specially when we see the pattern of raising divorce rate. But I have to disagree with you since these type of marriages are rather exception than the rule.

Regards

-YT 


Javadagha

Marriage is for having children

by Javadagha on

The rate of divorce is high in the U.S. and Iran is catching up.

I had a similar or the same situation to yours.  Her family members, divorced women, and lawyers expedited my intention to file for the divorce paper.  When a woman figures out how much she can get ($$), she will think why not.  

The reason I left the U.S. was or still is because material plays important factor among Iranians.  Iranians have no problem to throw in a lavish party (with lots of Vodka), but have problems to promote or work on cultural things which you are interested in.

I agree with one poster (bajenaghe naghi), if you do not want children, do not marry.  Marriage was or is designed to produce children.   The majority of Iranians, both women and men, do not care about culture or heritage.  They care where they live, what they drive, and how they dress.  So you are looking for a wrong person to marry.   An Iranian man married a lady from Germany, now they have two children.  The German wife, started learning Persian, and pushed the children to learn the language and its culture.  Children have Persian names.  She cooks at least three times a week Persian meals.  Now, compare this with Iranians who change their names to Mike, Michael, etc., and do not care about Iranian culture.  Iranian culture is NOT about eating or preferring chelo kabob.   Omid jaan; there are many people such as yourself who say they have been Westernized, but prefer chelo kabob.  You have an identity problem which will influence your decision for many years to come.  

This issue is very important and I know few sentences will not do a service to discuss this important topic.  I wish there was plenty of time, but I have to do other things, including preserving our cultural heritage because that has become a good part of my life.


yolanda

.......

by yolanda on

 Hi! Hamid,

       I like this part you wrote:

************************************

On a side-note, have you noticed when people describe others their description may reveal more about them than the person they are describing?  Such as when the friend says “that guy drives a Lexus, just got a promotion, has a big house and has never been married.”  He/she just described everything that was important to him/her.

******************************

It makes perfect sense! Great observation!

thank you!! 

Delaram Banafsheh (Yolanda)

"Cactus in the Desert"


HollyUSA

Hamid aghayeh Bolbol

by HollyUSA on

Thank you kindly for the clarification Sir. You had me worried there. As to your point about people's decsription of the other person revealing more about themselves, I agree, I have seen that often. The upside is that folk who do that are also often uninentioanlly transparent and save you a lot of time and trouble by giving themselves away easily :)

And please make 'soon', sooner, than later. 'Looking forward.

Cheers.


Hamid Taghavi

Holleh khanomeh gol

by Hamid Taghavi on

“Such a woman” was in reference to those that consider a divorced person damaged goods simply based on their previous marital status as opposed to the content of their character.  Those who are quick to issue labels (thus the term stigma in this context) are more likely to have a more superficial worldview instead of an in-depth understanding (and thus the clash of value systems).   My initial reference to “such a woman” may not have been clear so my apology for the lack of clarity.  Considerations of past relationships are still a must regardless of the value system but that’s an intelligent evaluation of facts and not judgment based on labels.   It is prudent to examine all excess baggage quite carefully before boarding the plane otherwise one might end up in an unwanted multi-way relationship which includes the ex and the ex's future ex.  

On a side-note, have you noticed when people describe others their description may reveal more about them than the person they are describing?  Such as when the friend says “that guy drives a Lexus, just got a promotion, has a big house and has never been married.”  He/she just described everything that was important to him/her.

And to your kind last question: soon.


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Faramarz, Good reminder.

by Omid B on

I'm responsible for the "wrong direction." While I only wanted to explore formalities and prejudices in my original post, your point is well taken. I have neglected to identify what this is really about: LOVE. I like how you decided to illustrate your point!!!

The person who will put sham to shamdon for me is something that I must patiently find out... probably for the rest of my life. I have only two major relationships in my past, and that has aided in my learning process. Nothing teaches like experience.

I don't think I should attempt to describe my preferences, but suffice it to say that she would be tender, a student of the sublime, zerang and unsilenceable.

 

Yours,

Omid


Faramarz

بى اميد خان

Faramarz


I have been reading the comments on your postings, and I have to say that you are going about this completely the wrong way

You talk about yourself and your divorced status as if you are a


ماشين ِ تصادفى

There are plenty of fish in the ocean and the most important thing is to figure out what you really want. Unfortunately, one thing I don’t read in your postings is what you want in a soul mate. Are you looking for a friend, a lover or as someone said to complete your life? Or as my Grandma used to say, someone to put


شعم  تو شعمدون


قند تو قند ون


گل تو گلدون

Once you figure out what you want in a woman, trust me, everything will fall into place


HollyUSA

Omid jan

by HollyUSA on

It was actually clear to me that you don't have all the extra stuff. Bia LA khodam barat yeh zaneh khoob peyda mikonam lol

But Hamid included baggage/children in his statement so I guess we'll wait for him to clraify.


HollyUSA

Lady vs. Female

by HollyUSA on

Kourosh khan/jan (take whichever suits you best and don't gimme heartache about it :), I AM female but we both know that doesn't necessarily make a 'lady', just as being a male does not necessarily make a man. Just look around ic for proof.

That said, thank you for the compliment if indeed it was intended and I think I'll take Omid up on operating on Tehran time like a good Iranian should lol


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Holly jan

by Omid B on

To clarify myself - I have no baggage (no emotional damage, no children, no divided property, etc.). So with that assumption (which I should have made moshakhas earlier), anyone with prejudice against me is probably looking at my superficial label of "divorced". And that is a value system that I do not respect.

I give anyone the full right to avoid people who bring complicated bagge to a relationship, which distracts from the focus: romance. So, I think I agree with the sentiment in your question. 

Yours,

Omid


HollyUSA

Ey baba OMID

by HollyUSA on

I would 100% agree that having something against a divorced status alone is not cool but how is it not fair to have concerns if someone comes from a previous marriage with excessive and unresolved baggage or may be kids (young ones that is)? Toro khoda yeki begeh PUHLEASE!


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Mordam az khande

by Omid B on

It's almost midnight in Iran - that means you can drink Vodka without khejalat. 

 

Yours,

Omid


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You are a lady yourself

by KouroshS on

That is if the name "hollyUSA" reflects your true gender, You know. People tend to deceive a lot these days.

So why don't you go ahead and do what a lady is supposed to do:).

Do the right "lady" thing:)

 


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Mr. Hamid

by Omid B on

Thank you for that real insight. If someone is prejudiced against my status, I agree that they probably have a value system that won't mesh with mine anyway. And I thank everyone!

Yours,

Omid


HollyUSA

chayi??

by HollyUSA on

It's almost time for Vodka isn't it? Or do I have to wait until after noon?? Is that the 'ladylike' thing to do?? ;)


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No. No,

by KouroshS on

I meant to say Mr. hamid's comment rather than the author. Sorry Mr. author of this blog:)

Az daste in HollyUSA. She would not let me concentrate so i can gather my thoughts.:))


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Ey baba

by KouroshS on

Chekhabare te?:)

I was referring to your last comment to the author of this blog. I was not sure either as to what other values he was talking about, when dealing with a female with a previous divorce on her record..

Yek chayi chizi bezan ta aroom shi:)

Peace.


HollyUSA

KouroshS

by HollyUSA on

What was becoming an issue for you? Anything in particular or just the general issue you have with me ?? :P


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Hollyusa

by KouroshS on

Very good Nokte you have brought up. It was becoming an issue for me as well:)


HollyUSA

Hamid jan

by HollyUSA on

I have a question regarding "Most Iranian women are particular when it comes to divorced men...., and much more so if there are kids involved.  But I doubt they
consider it a "lakeh", a stain.  It's the baggage they do not want. 
Perhaps you wouldn't want such a woman anyway as such a value system
reflects other issues that you might have difficulty with as well."

Can you elaborate more on that last part? What "other issues" do you percieve "such a value system" would indicate that may be worrying? I ask because I personally think concern about excessive baggage, children from another marriage etc is perfectly legitimate for one (man or woman) to have but I don't view my value system as...well...'such' you might say!:)

Thanks and why have you not writtem more hilarious pieces lately? I'm in need of a good witty read.


HollyUSA

Rendd

by HollyUSA on

hmmmm 'will have to watch out for you then ;)


Rendd

Hamid...

by Rendd on

Right on bro!