According to a reliable source the United States of American and Islamic Republic of Iran are planning to meet on Saturday February 14, Valentine’s Day, in a yet undisclosed location, and are going to hug, kiss, and forgive each other simultaneously, IF everything is kosher, I mean halal.
Barack Obama’s administration has been hard at work to communicate their intentions to the Iranians ever since the Presidential election was over in November 2008, however the first public sign of US willingness to talk to Iran came on Saturday February 7th when Vice President Joe Biden send a clear message to Iran in the International Conference on Security in Munich. Although Iranian parliamentary speaker, Ali Larijani, was present at the conference most of the time, he conveniently left the conference room for a bathroom break and did not return to hear Biden in person. Apparently Larijani had chosen a policy of naaz kardan (I don’t know, policy of hard to get). According to another reliable source in Iran, the IRI’s supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, had told Larijani before his departure to Munich that “taa mitoni naaz kon (make it hard to get as much as you can).“ But, upon hearing Biden’s call for talks through a secretly installed hearing device in the bathroom, Larijani was heard by an undercover vice detective in the next stall, shouting at the top of his lunge, “okh joon Khomeini rost goft ke emrika heech galati nemitoneh beconeh (thank god Khomeini was right to say America can not do a damn thing).“ The detective at the time didn’t understand what Larijani was saying and thought he might be moaning because something had died inside him, but upon farther review of the tape recording of Larijani’s joyous outcry by the CIA’s Persian translators, the administration was encourage that the Iranians were in favor of talks.
The next positive sign from the US came on Monday February 9th from President Barack Obama in his first news conference in Washington D.C., with this clear message that “My national security team is currently reviewing our existing Iran policy, looking at areas where we can have constructive dialogue, where we can directly engage with them...we will be looking for openings that can be created where we can start sitting across the table face to face. “ At the time of this news conference the administration was hoping to meet with Iranians “in the coming months”, however it is now clear that wheels are turning faster than expected.
The meeting set for Valentine’s Day is already dubbed by some Iranians in the streets as the molaaghaat’e oshagh (meeting of lovers), and as the result price of housing in the capital is already doubling up in the hopes that soon thousands of Iranian-Americans will be needing comfortable quarters to live in Tehran.
To begin with, Obama’s administration has planned to make the following concessions to the Iranians as a gesture of good will:
1- The United States is willing to have all their female representatives, especially Hillary Clinton, fully veiled.
2- American female representatives would not extend their hands to shake hands with Iranian representatives. Any refusal by any Iranian representative to shake hand with any American woman, after she mistakenly has extended her hand, would not be considered a sign of disrespect. Obama personally has guaranteed to explain this aspect of Islamic norm to the members of his cabinet, since he is personally familiar with this custom.
3- Only halal food would be served. Several Islamic scholars have already been consulted regarding this sensitive matter, and several of those several scholars will be hired by the administration to assure the halalness of any food served to the Iranians.
4- The administration has already hired the help of Merry Maids Incorporation to assure anything that is nejes (religiously unclean) is properly cleaned. MMI in return for their locrative contract has assured the administration that all their maids will be properly circumcised according to Islamic tradition, whether Iranians like it or not.
Cheer up guys, IF things go according to the secret plan this Saturday soon we’ll be working in Iran as Iranian-Americans.
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