How’re you doing? I hope everything is well and you’re in good health. I don’t know if you celebrate Nowruz or not, but if you do I hope that goes well too. How is your family doing? I hope all is well. If you're concern about our health, we're healthy too, some troubles with the economy but nothing to worry you.
Well Ali, as you know more than anyone else in this world, our relationship has not been good. The main reason, in my opinion, is that we’ve had too many Presidents in the United States of America since the creation of the Islamic Republic of Iran. I am sure if we only had one, or maybe two Presidents, as it is customary in your country with top leadership positions, by now we would have solved our problems. Ali, as you know when your revolution happened Carter was in power and he was very wishy-washy, then we had Reagan who was senile, then we had Bush who your people made a joke about him that it went something like this in your language: Reagan reed, ba’d boosh oomad. Well that didn’t go well with his son, who became president after Clinton, so Bush the son, called Iran part of axis of evil, meaning Devil, but your people translated it to mehvar'e shararat, which was not at all what he meant, he meant that you guys were really evil, which was not good for mending our broken relationship either. But going back to Clinton, he sort of apologized to you even though the way he did it was not good enough for you. So, this is why I’m writing to you today. I want to see what we can do to fix our relationship.
Do you know Hilary? She is married to Bill Clinton. I know you don’t like women, but I was in a political bind and had to make a deal with her to win the presidency, so then I had to give her a job as the Secretary of State, I mean she is not just a secretary, she is the big man, that means she is the big boss. She has some issues with her husband over what went on in his office under his desk with Monica, but Hilary is a nice woman. She already knows how important ‘apology’ is. Her husband’s been apologizing to her for a few years now, but she hasn’t completely forgiven him yet, especially after her failed attempt to become the next president, but I beat her to it. So now she blames her loss on Bill's love affair with Monica. What happened was that Bill got caught with his pants down in the White House, so then Bill apologized to Hilary, but she is still mad, and that’s like you guys are still mad because we in the White House were getting blow jobs and didn’t care what happened to the rest of the world. Ali, you know what a blow job is, don’t you? If you don’t, you can ask one of your advisers, I’m sure they can explain better than I could. So anyway, Hillary knows that her husband screwed up and wants to make it up to her. So she is sympathetic to your cause. She might act pissed off and seem to be on the Israelis side but don't worry about that. That’s all politicking to the Zionist constituency. She really wants to kiss your cheeks and make up.
Ali, next thing I want to say is that we need to keep these negotiations top secret. Don’t broadcast it on your national television like you did last time. I know you’re going to say there is no secret between Iranian people and Iranian government, but if you think really hard you know there are a lot of secrets, for example; who killed Zahra Kazemi? Who was behind the chain murders? Why are you incarcerating Imam’e Zaman? Don’t get upset now. We don’t care about any of that stuff. That’s all your business. All I’m saying is that there are secrets. Hell, we still don’t know why Dick Chaney tried to kill his friend and then called it a hunting accident. or what happened to the love child of Bush and Rice. These are all State secrets. You have them, we have them, everyone has them, so let’s just keep our correspondence secret for now.
Then if you agree, and things go as planned we’ll get together, I don’t mean you and me right now, but at first our emissaries would meet, let’s say in Nicosia, or if you want in an Islamic city like Sharm el-Sheikh, and they will talk things over and see in what areas we agree on. For example both Americans and Iranians like pomegranates, right? So we’ll write up a treaty, let’s say you’ll sell us so much pomegranates and in return we’ll sell you so much…, whatever you like. Do you like Nike shoes? We can sell you those. A lot of money is in it for you. Let’s say it cost us about $5 to make those darn shoes in Vietnam but here we sell them for $100 to $200 a pair. Over there in Iran, even if you sell them for $20 you’d be doubling your money without any problems. It doesn’t have to be shoes. That was just an example. We can do any kind of business you want, as long as it’s not too much off the chart. As a matter of fact we can have Iranian Pomegranate Dollar Stores all over America and sell them there off the stores, or sell Iranian dolls, flip-flops, and even aftabeb to Muslim Americans. We did it for Chinese and now they’re richer than us. Tons of money to be made. Tons of it. Think about it.
Then after we do that for a while and things go good, then we move on to bigger things like the nuclear issue. Ali, I know nuclear energy is your birthright, but we are concerned, that’s why I am writing this letter to you. I don’t want to tell you to stop it right now, but we have to reach an agreement on how to go about developing your nuclear industry without scaring the rest of the world. You know if you go nukes then the rest of the countries in your part of world want to go nukes too, so then who benefits? Every time there is a problem then you guys use your nukes against each other and that’s not good for business.
So, what do you say? Now promises me not to publish this letter. This is between you and me, bro to bro. Let me know what you think, and say hello to your lovely wife.
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