Multiple Personality Disorder

In a hard-to-believe turn of events, President Ahmadinejad announced that Iran is ready to send its uranium abroad for further enrichment, in effect abandoning its ambition to develop atomic bombs in favor of another strategy, to attack the Zionistic State of Israel with rats, turtles, and worms.  Ever since the launch of Air-Space Explorer (کاوشگر هوا-فضا) into space, with one rat, two turtles, and a bunch of worms, Western countries in general and USA in particular have been at a loss for answers to the significance of these animals in space; only if they had asked me in the first place, I would've explained the whole thing to them for a small fee; since, like all Iranians, I am a spy.  The only question that remains is what country I have sold my services to, but the answer to that question has to wait for another satire since this one is about rats, turtles, and worms, and not about me.

As you may recall from your science classes, if you paid any attention, the first bunch of animals sent to space by USA in 1947 were not monkeys or dogs but fruit flies; for the purpose of research into the possibility of destroying the Soviet Union's agricultural sector with fruit fly infestations.  Back then it was postulated that a covert attack on the Russians could be arranged where hundreds, maybe thousands, of these rockets could be sent into the Soviet Union's agricultural heartlands to infest their fruit orchards.  Fruit crops would then fail, and a large number of communists would die of scurvy, caused by lack of fresh fruits.  The idea of attacking the Russians with fruit flies was eventually abandoned since in the late1940's there was no way of containing these little flies, once the Genie was out of bottle so to speak, within the Russian territory.

The next animal that went to space was a monkey by the name of Albert, but unfortunately Albert died upon return to earth and he could not reveal to the American scientists how to attack the Russians.  By early 1950's Americans began to send rodents into space, hoping they would infest the little rats with Bubonic Plague to kill off the communists.  But, once again this idea was also abandoned since the question of containment was not yet answered, till today by the IRI scientists through genetic technology.  Fleas that carry the Bubonic Plague viruses have been genetically modified to specifically target the Zionists in the Holy Land, and nobody else.

That's for the rats.  As for the turtles, let's examine the Ten Plagues of Egypt; the one relating to the new IRI’s change of strategy is the invasion of Egyptian waterways by frogs, plugging their irrigation systems, which did not succeed at the time because frogs are too jumpy, and jumpy animals are not good for plugging things.  You need a slow moving animal to get in pipes, creep and crawl, move forward, and slowly cause blockage in piping systems, in particular the sewer systems.  I don't know why God didn't think of this to begin with, but the IRI scientists have.  They have developed these tiny little turtles that are hornier than rats, which make them produce really fast.  They are capable of crawling into any Jewish toilet systems there is in Israel, and they are ready to tarnish their little pretty shells with Zionist shit, but not give up until they do their Islamic turtle duties to cause havoc on the Zionists’ pooping systems, thereby creating unsanitary conditions in the Holy Land, causing an environment more suitable for spread of Bubonic Plague, and killing off all the inhabitants of the land except for the non-Zionists.

As for the worms; welllll!!!  Jews have these big and long cucumbers, and that is not sitting too well with the mullahs in Iran.  They have been saying for a long time now, why Jews' cucumbers are bigger than ours?  Why, why!  No one's cucumbers in this world should be bigger, or longer, than ours, specially the Jewish ones.  Our cucumbers should be number one in the world, in its all aspects, shape, size, diameter, circumference, length, weight, and how they feel to the touch.  So, Iranian Islamic scientists were instructed to find a way to enhance Islamic cucumbers through genetic technology, and at the same time figure out a way to reduce the size of Zionist cucumbers.  So now, through hard Islamic scientific work, Iranian cucumbers feel really good to the touch, and they are really big and long, but not yet as big as the Jewish cucumbers, and here is where the Islamist worms come to the rescue.  Once these worms are dropped (کرم ریزی) on Israel they will attack Jewish cucumbers and make them shrink to a small size, rendering the Islamic cucumbers the biggest and longest cucumbers in the world, that also feel really good to the touch.

And that's why I get paid handsome amounts of money for my spying services, because I can figure out the mullahs.