Multiple Personality Disorder

-She is a babe!

-Where is she from? Is she from Eyeran?

-No, she is Hindu.

-What’s Hindu?

-Hindu is an Indian religion.

-How can you tell she is Hindu?

-I can’t. I call all Indians Hindus.

-Man! She is awesome. Look at those high heals! I love high heals. I want to do her in high heals. I wanna give it to her from behind, all naked with high heals.

-What’s up with high heals anyway?

-I think it’s the extra lift, but you gotta be behind her to notice it.

-What’s she doing?

-She is talking to someone.

-To who?

-She is on the phone. One of those hand-free cell phones.

-Do you think she is married?

-Yes she is married.

-How do you know?

-Someone like that won’t last very long.

-Man! She looks good!

-Look, look, she is coming inside.

*** 

-Damn, she is with those guys.

-How old do you think she is?  

-I think she is eighteen.

-No, she is twenty-five to thirty. She just looks younger.

-No way man! How can you tell?

-All Hindus look a lot younger than they look.

-Man, I love Hindus!

-She has a ring.

-Which finger?

-The one that says she is married.

-She has an engagement ring and a wedding ring.

-The guy put his hand on her hip, when she was sitting down.

-Shit! That guy?! I don’t think she is married to him. He looks like a dork.

-He doesn’t have a ring.

-So, O.K. That means she is not married to him, hand on her hip or not.

*** 

-Where is she going now?

-She is going to smoke a cigarette.

-How do you know?

-I saw it in her hand.

*** 

-Man! Look at her! Look how she sucks on that cigarette.

-You guys don’t smoke, do you?

-Hell no, but I wish I had a cigarette right now; I’d just go out there and smoke it with her.

-What about her husband?

-What husband? I don’t think he is her husband. He looks like a dork. He is too young for her anyway.

-Man! Look at that ass!

-Do you have a cigarette?

-No. I haven’t smoked for years. What are you going to do anyway?

-I told you, I’m going to talk to her.

-She is coming inside.

*** 

-Fuck! They’re leaving.

-Shit! Why is it like that? That guy doesn’t deserve her. She needs someone like me. I’d take my ear plugs and my face mask and I bang her all night.

-What’s the ear plugs and face mask for?

-Haven’t you heard? I hate two things, the sound of a woman screaming and smell of rubber burning.

-I never heard that one before.

-Yeah! There is a good reason they call me Surgeon.

-Have you operated on anyone lately?

-Oh yeah! I have operations going on all week.

-Yeah! I believe you.

-Hey don’t look now, but behind you, on my left, there is a low-cut pants? I wish I could just go there and pull it down.

-Man! Look she has a tattoo up her ass.

-Why do they put tattoos on their backs anyway? They can’t see it, so what is it good for? They must do it for someone else.

-Yeah, it’s not for her. It’s for the guy who bangs her from behind. Think about it, if she is lying down on her back she can’t see it; the guy can’t see it either. The only way the guy can see it is if he is doing it to her doggy style. She puts it on her back so the guy can see it when he is doing it to her from behind.

-Man, I give my right hand to see the rest of that tattoo, then I’ll bang her from the back.

-How’re going to put your mask on if you lose your right hand?

-Don’t worry; I can still do the whole operation, with mask on, with one hand.

-Did you see her belly button?! She’s got one of those rings, belly button rings.

-What’s up with belly button rings anyway?

-It’s to lick it. Put your tongue on it and lick it all night. That’s how they cum.

-What the fuck are you talking about?

-They cum. Just lick it and suck it. That’s why they put it there.

-What the hell! You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about! If they wanted to cum they’d put it on that thing in their pussies.

-You’re so naive man, so naive. Haven’t you ever heard of belly button orgasm? Not everyone cums from their pussies. Some of them cum from their belly buttons, some from their tits, from their nose, from their ass,...

-O.K. I get it.

-What’s the matter? Don’t you like to lick the ring?

-O.K. I get it, ring is for licking. So tell me, why do Hindus have it in their noses? For nasal orgasm?!

-Hindus? I don’t know about Hindus but these Americans are fucked. They stick it up their noses and they buy a whole bunch of nasal sprays.

-Nasal sprays?!

-Yeah. It opens up their nasal passages. It’s so the guy can breathe through her nose when he is sucking on it.

-You’re fucking crazy!

-I am crazy? These people are crazy. Tell me, O.K., why do they put rings up their ass?

-Dude, Hindus don’t have rings up their ass.

-How do you know? Did you ever look up their ass? O.K., O.K., forget about ass rings. Why do you think they have it in their noses?

-I don’t know. For looks?

-Look she is coming back again. Look, I think she is wearing a man’s underwear, Fruit-of-the-Loom or something. Man she looks good.

-So, Mr. Professor what do you think the ring is for?

-For looks, I told you.

-What? What looks? It’s disgusting. It sucks.

-O.K., look, it’s the same thing as tattoos. Some people like it, some people don’t. Some people think it’s sexy. They get off on it.

-I tell you what, she don’t need to make herself more sexier than she is, she is already sexier than sexy. I don’t care, tattoos, rings, men’s shorts, I don’t care. I just want to bang her.

*** 

-O.K. guys how do you want to do the ticket? Do you want to put it on your credit card and I’ll just pay you my share of pizza and you guys pay for your share of beer and pizza?

-Hell no! I don’t want to pay for this fucking pizza. It was burnt!

-What! We ate the whole damn thing! What are you talking about?

-Look, I was already hungry when we came here? What was I supposed to do? Ask for another pizza and wait for another thirty minutes?! Fuck that!

-You're on your own, I ain’t saying nothing.

*** 

-Excuse me, excuse me.

-Yes Sir.

-Excuse me this pizza was burnt. We were hungry so we ate it, but I mean it was burnt.

-But sir, I came and asked if everything was alright.

-But we didn’t eat it yet when you asked, then you left and we were hungry so we ate it, but it was burnt. Look at these pieces, they are burnt. Can you give us a discount? I mean we come here all the time, but the pizza was burnt.

-O.K. sir, I’ll get the manager.

*** 

-Yes sir, what can I do for you?

-I was telling her this pizza was burnt and she said she’ll get the manager.

-The pizza was burnt?! But you ate all of it?

-Yes, I was telling her we were hungry, so we ate it, but it was burnt. I was telling her if we could get a discount. We come here all the time, but we’ve never been served burnt pizza before.

-Well sir, if there was some of it left I could show it to the chef, but,...let me see what I can do for you.

*** 

-Sir, I deducted $5 from your ticket. The pizza is about $25 dollars; I discounted it about 20%. If you had told us right away I could’ve been more accommodating, Sir.

-O.K. Thanks. We come here all the time.

-Thank you sir and enjoy the rest of the night.

*** 

-My share comes to $7.

-Hell no! You’re not gonna subtract $5 from the pizza and divide it by three. Uh-uh! The $5 goes towards the pitcher of beer. We’re not gonna pay $24 for a fucking pitcher of beer. I don't care if they brew their own beer here. It tasted like piss, like burnt piss. O.K. you take the pizza plus the tip,...seven Dollars?! You didn’t even add the tip,...your share is $9.

-What! Nine Dollars! No way. The $5 dollar was for the pizza.

-You fucking asshole! You were sitting there like a mouse when I was getting the discount and now you want to use it for yourself. Fuck you. Hell, I even paid for those extra chips for lunch today, to those fucking choritos. Why didn't they add it to your ticket?

-I paid for the extra sabzi that day when we went to that Iranian restaurant.

-I paid you back, don’t you remember? You told me they charged you extra, so I paid my share.

-Did you? I don’t remember?

-Fuck! You told me they charged you for the extra grass and they put it on your ticket, so I paid you. Why the fuck you didn’t tell me back then that they charged for it and I would’ve told them to shove it up their ass.

-That’s why I didn’t tell you.

-O.K., give me nine Dollars.

-I’ll give you another Dollar.

-Nine Dollars.

-I already gave you seven Dollars. I’ll give you another Dollar. I don’t have anymore money.

-O.K., fuck it. Give me another Dollar.

*** 

-What are you guys gonna do the rest of the night.

-I don’t know, hang around the Jacuzzi. After 10:00, it’s adults only. Are you coming?

-Nuh! I think I’ll watch some TV and go to bed.