My heart is yours...

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My heart is yours...
by Latina
21-Feb-2010
 

Part of the Arman series, Love Letter

It is so hard to have one’s heart broken. It is even more painful to see a loved one’s heart that is aching and breaking. One totally powerless to mend their heart or remedy the situation.

I had the opportunity to spend time with Arman earlier this month. He had come to visit to make sure I was well. I had just returned home from the hospital. Julio went out to dinner with his father. It had been almost six months since Arman left home to attend university.

“Arman so tell me how is university going? Have you made many friends there? How are things going with the three organizations you joined? Any luck finding a part-time job yet?” I sat down on the living room sofa and I motioned for him to sit as well.

“Things are going well Chiquita at university. I have made many interesting friends. I am still in three organizations but I mainly focus on one. On the job situation things are not as well yet. I do have a possible job lead that I will be looking into this week.”

“Arman, I heard through the grape vine that there might be a special someone in your life. So, tell me, what is her name?” I have the biggest grin on my face as I can’t wait to hear all the details of his romantic interest. After all, I am his mom.

Arman gives me a huge smile as he runs his fingers through his hair. “You heard it through the grape vine. You mean Julio sang like a canary.”

I am getting a bit impatient. “Regardless of the source this is the Spanish Inquisition.” I laugh as I motion if he wants some more soda.

Arman looks at me with a shy look, beautiful hazel eyes that could light up the sky, and a smile that oozes charm and says “Yes, it is true. She is Latina, intelligent, beautiful and older than me.”

I give him a look of surprise. “Older? How much older are we talking here?” It has never occurred to me that he would be interested in an older woman. Come to think of it he never dated in High School because he thought the girls were too immature. Aye! Why did I not see the signals? I am suppose to notice this things as his mom.

Arman hesitates and responds “About seven years. What can I say; I am attracted to older women.” He gives me a devilish smile. “I really care about her. She only sees me as her best friend though. I want us to be more than friends. We are so perfect for each other. We have so many things in common. ”

I can see that she really matters to him. “Well, mi hijo, if you really care about her then tell her. If she just wants to keep it as friends then at least you will never regret telling her.”

“Mom I already told her and she thinks I am perfect but the timing is all wrong. I don’t know what to do. We are still best of friends. I go shopping with her but it bothers me that I am helping her select clothes for her to wear for another guy. I have been there for her every time that she has the cold or flu. I even bought her some NyQuil and made sure that she did not miss a dose. I am getting ready to teach her how to swim. We even came to Houston to one of the clubs. I had to watch as she danced with other guys.”

I looked at him with shock. “You were in Houston?! When? You didn’t even visit or call me?!” I give him the look.

“Mom can we focus on my heartache for the moment? Okay, I’m sorry that I have not visited you before. I will do better.” He looks so sad and lost.

“Sweetie I am not sure what advice to give you. What I might do may not be the best solution for you.” We are silent for what seems a long time. I am thinking of what to say that will help him without causing further damage. I decide that honesty is the best policy.

I took a deep breathe. “Well sweetie it is time that I tell you of my experience. A while back I fell in love with my best friend. I waited like a year to tell him. He was totally oblivious to my feelings for him. He too thought I was an amazing person. At least you did not wait as long as I did. When I finally did tell him, we too discussed the pros and cons of being in a romantic relationship. Grant it he lives in another state. Actually, it is what made it so easy to conceal my feelings from him. We decided that it would be best to be as friends. It wasn’t easy for me. ”

“Mom but I love her. It feels like I am being torn up inside. I’m doing my best to keep my pain hidden from her. I don’t know if I can do it forever. She is just so amazing. Why did I have to fall in love?”

“Sweetie, I know that it is painful. I wept for days after my friend and I decided to just be friends. He never knew. It wasn’t his fault that he was such a great guy that I would fall in love with him. Actually when we met, all we did was argue about politics and religion. How ironic! I don’t know what happened, or when it happened. It simply did. The same with you. Sweetie, in life when we least expect it love finds us. I know this is going to hurt but Sweetie we can’t make someone fall in love with us.”

“I know mom but I just wish it wouldn’t hurt as much.” I look at him as his eyes are watery. The beautiful bright smile is gone and his lip is trembling. I feel my eyes watering. I try to be strong for him.

“Well Sweetie since you wish to continue to be friends then you will have to slowly distance yourself so that it will slowly be less painful. It is what I did.”

We hear a knock on the door. Julio has returned. Arman must now go back with his dad. We give each other a big bear hug and say “I love you!”

Julio looks at me. “Are you okay mom?” “Yes, I am okay, I just need a Kleenex.”

I have never regretted what happened with my best friend. I believe that it enriched my life. As a matter of fact, he is the standard by which I measure any other man. Let me tell you that if a girl is to have a standard then it is a very good one.

It will also now help me to better understand what Arman is going through. Arman too will know that I truly feel his pain not only because he is my son. I have gained a deeper level of compassion.

For the longest time, my guy friends would be the ones to fall in love with me. I think that it was time that I knew exactly how painful it was to care so greatly for someone that only saw me as a friend. Actually, I was totally oblivious to how they felt until they decided they had to end the friendship for the sake of their heart.

I just wish that Arman’s heart could have been spared. It is not easy to hand over one’s heart to someone only to have it returned. Before Arman left, he shared with me some songs on youtube that he felt expressed exactly how he felt. The following are the songs:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIZmDHPqGl4

 

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAb8FIKkCLw

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MikeThomson

I love this songs

by MikeThomson on

I love this songs


Latina

..........

by Latina on


Latina

Strong enough..........

by Latina on

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=aShGbSMgO28

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XwuBRSn17k

Trying to analyze every angle, situation
Trying to find an explanation
Cause it's getting aggrivating
Why my relationships never seem to work out
Beginnin' to worry and doubt
If I'm even able to detect he's the one
When to stay or when to run
Why I haven't seen the sun
Shine his light on my heart and help me ease the pain
Cause I'm getting tired of the rain

Falling on my heartbreak and I
Get my hopes up when I'm in love
Until we break up then I'm back to the
Same spot, I've been lonely, drowning
Cause every guy turns out to be the same
So now I'm questionin' is it me to blame

[CHORUS:]
Is It Me? am I so complicated?
Is It Me? or is love over-rated?
Is It Me? cause I don't quite understand
Why it never turns out how I thought I planned it
Is It Me? am I too independent?
Is It Me? not ready for commitment?
Is It Me? cause it doesn't seem to last
And it's the only question that I never asked

Maybe I'm longin' for it more than I should be expecting
All the standards that I'm setting
Unrealistically I'm getting
Possibly in the way of what is left to have in store
Because I'm so confused and insecure
Cause when i know for certain everything is going wrong
I permitted to prolong
Tried my best to hold on
My Mister Right's probably hanging round my window pane
While I look through only watching the rain

Falling on my heartbreak and I
Get my hopes up when I'm in love
Until we break up then I'm back to the
Same spot, I've been lonely, drowning
Cause every guy turns out to be the same
So now I'm questionin' is it me to blame

[CHORUS]

Never thought it could be that its me
Till i realized I`m the only
Common factor and played a big part
In letting people break my heart
Never noticin' I was wasting time
Asking the same thing every time
Who were you with? and where were you at?
Until I took the time to turn and look back

Ooooh la la la
La la la la
La la la

[CHORUS x2]

La la la
La la la la la
La la la


Latina

..........

by Latina on


yolanda

......

by yolanda on

Thank you, Rendd, for the video with classical Persian paintings and nice music! I watched it last night, it was great! All the girls look very feminine with beautiful costumes......I hope hijab law can be abolished soon!

Thank you for sharing 


Rendd

These were beautiful

by Rendd on

How on earth did you find these? My hands totally down for these videos.

She got very emotional on the second video from top. Lovely!


Latina

Rendd

by Latina on

Thank you so much for the amazingly beautiful song. Also, for taking the time to post the English lyrics for me.

You are totally awesome!

Cheers!


Latina

.........

by Latina on

Yolanda,

Thank you! Mi casa es vuestra casa. :o)

............................

Shepesh,

Thank you so very much for your kind and encouraging words.

Best wishes..........


Rendd

Here you go :O)

by Rendd on

Source: //ro.getalyric.com/asculta/qgLHX4URJZE/mokhta...

A translation of the lyrics (by M. Dilmaghani): -----

So long, in plead of unison with thee
my eyelids are drowned in the deluge of tear.
So long, in plead of unison with thee,
Thou, the sole beloved!

The arrow of thy sorrow pierced all lovers' heart...
For how long, how long shall we be kept apart?
We are countless, all occupied by thy thought
Helas! thou be'est concealed of our sight.
Thou, the sole beloved!

The bird found thy fine face in every turf
The butterfly enlightened in core of the flame
The mystic recognized thy essence
In every scene and each face.

It means that one can see thee at every glance,
In every instance.

It means that I am not mad that I knock every door,
I knock every door.

In every sea I dive, thou be'est the sole host.
In every route I walk, thy shine is the lone light,
In the tavern and mosque thou be'est the only Lord,
Thou be'est the only Lord.

Thou be'est the destination, thou be'est the pledge.
The reason is thee when I wander drunk,
The reason is thee when I meet with the monk,
The reason is thee when I am praying in the mosque.
They are all pleas and thou be'est the pledge.
Thou be'est the sole pledge.

The reason is thee when I wander drunk,
The reason is thee when I meet with the monk,
The reason is thee when I am praying in the mosque.
They are all pleas and thou be'est the pledge.
Thou be'est the sole pledge.


Rendd

Looked for the English translation but to no avail :O(

by Rendd on

تاکی به تمنای وصال تو یگانه

اشکم شود از هر مژه چون سیل روانه

خواهد به سر آید، شب هجران تو یانه؟

ای تیر غمت را دل عشاق نشانه

جمعی به تو مشغول و تو غایب ز میانه

رفتم به در صومعهٔ عابد و زاهد

دیدم همه را پیش رخت راکع و ساجد

در میکده رهبانم و در صومعه عابد

گه معتکف دیرم و گه ساکن مسجد

یعنی که تو را می‌طلبم خانه به خانه

روزی که برفتند حریفان پی هر کار

زاهد سوی مسجد شد و من جانب خمار

من یار طلب کردم و او جلوه‌گه یار

حاجی به ره کعبه و من طالب دیدار

او خانه همی جوید و من صاحب خانه

هر در که زنم صاحب آن خانه تویی تو

هر جا که روم پرتو کاشانه تویی تو

در میکده و دیر که جانانه تویی تو

مقصود من از کعبه و بتخانه تویی تو

مقصود تویی کعبه و بتخانه بهانه

بلبل به چمن زان گل رخسار نشان دید

پروانه در آتش شد و اسرار عیان دید

عارف صفت روی تو در پیر و جوان دید

یعنی همه جا عکس رخ یار توان دید

دیوانه منم من که روم خانه به خانه

عاقل به قوانین خرد راه تو پوید

دیوانه برون از همه آیین تو جوید

تا غنچهٔ بشکفتهٔ این باغ که بوید

هر کس به زبانی صفت حمد تو گوید

بلبل به غزلخوانی و قمری به ترانه

بیچاره بهائی که دلش زار غم توست

هر چند که عاصی است ز خیل خدم توست

امید وی از عاطفت دم به دم توست

تقصیر خیالی به امید کرم توست

یعنی که گنه را به از این نیست بهانه


yolanda

......

by yolanda on

Hi Natalia,

Thank you for your blog......I read last night and I was speechless....you are just as brave as Iranians.........I feel like I don't even qualify to read your blog 'cause it is very personal, but I read anyway......I hope things are going well with you and Arman.......Thank you for posting the songs "Bleeding Love" and Adam's song, they are very beautiful...I have the CD's.....

please take care!

 


default

.

by Shepesh on

.


Latina

My Angel's lullaby

by Latina on

 //www.youtube.com/watch?v=45s3RrYHqt0

 

I was never alive
'Til the day I was blessed with you.
When I hold you late at night,
I know what I was put here to do.
I turn off the world and listen to you sigh,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

Know I'm forever near,
The one you can always call.
Right now all you know to fear
Are the shadows on your wall.
I'm here close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

So tell me how to stop the years from racing.
Is there a secret someone knows?
I'll never catch all the memories I'm chasing.
I'll never be ready to let go.

And when the world seems cold,
And you feel that all of your strength is gone,
There may be one tiny voice,
Your reason to carry on,
And when I'm not close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
You will sing your Angel's Lullaby.
Let this be our Angel's Lullaby.


Latina

The rose

by Latina on

 //www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFhJUk7LNT0

Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
some say love it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you its only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
it's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken
who can not seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snow
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose


Latina

muchas gracias

by Latina on

mejores deseos............


Red Wine

No one knows the side of you ...

by Red Wine on

No one knows the side of you that I know
No one gets to see, to feel you
To hear you when they call
I'm the only one you answer
Because I know what to do
I know what to do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Is only a heartbeat away
When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

Miles and miles of empty space in between us
A telephone can't take the place of your smile
But I won't be traveling forever
It's cold out, but hold out
And do like I do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
Is only a heartbeat away

It's not easy when the road is your driver
But honey that's the heavy load that we bear
But I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out, but hold out
And do like I do
When I need you

But I won't be traveling a lifetime
It's cold out, oh honey, hold out
And do like I do

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you baby
And all that I so want to give you
Is only a heartbeat away

When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day
Honey, when I need you

I'm in a cloud and I'm holding my hand out to you
Holding my hand out to you
Holding my hand out for you