Fun With Prophets


Anonymous Observer
by Anonymous Observer

The following quiz will test your knowledge of Abrahamic prophets. You have fifteen minutes to complete it. Good luck!

1. Abraham was:

a. A prophet;
b. An ordinary man whose faith and devotion was tested by God;
c. A horny desert nomad who wanted to get it on with a black woman;
d. A schizophrenic lunatic who due to lack of proper treatment was about to murder his own son –and who would have been locked up for twenty years for attempted murder if he was alive today;
e. A myth who never actually existed and who originated in ancient Sumerian mythology;
f. All of the above;
g. (c),(d) and (e) only.

2. Moses was:

a. A prophet
b. A real estate broker who God entrusted with real estate allocations;
c. A power hungry maniac who would order the destruction and capture of cities, murder of its citizens and rape of its virgins and baby girls (and possibly boys);
d. A myth, straight of out ancient who never actually existed, for whom there is no historical record by Egyptians who otherwise kept meticulous records of every historical event and whose story originated in ancient Persian and Egyptian mythologies.
e. All of the above;
f. (b), (c) and (d) only.

3. Jesus was:

a. The Mexican guy who cuts your grass every week;
b. A whore mongering, pot smoking party animal who was really fun to hang out with because he always had women and a secret “stash”;
c. A pre-Hollywood zombie who came back from the dead and hung out in Jerusalem;
d. A myth who actually never existed and was a creation of Roman mythology;
e. Possibly the first gay prophet (hint: the constant bachelor…wink, wink)
f. All of the above;
g. (b),(c) and (d) only.

4. Mohammed was:

a. Your Bangladeshi man servant;
b. An illiterate bandit and supper horny desert nomad who liked them young…VERY young;
c. A power hungry maniac who would order the destruction and capture of cities, murder of its citizens and rape of its women and children;
d. A skilled charlatan who take advantage of a rich widow, took her money, pretended to be a “one woman” man while she was alive, but fucked everything that moved when she croaked;
e. Salman Farsi’s gay lover;
f. All of the above;
g. (b), (c), (d) and (e) only.

5. Why would God promise land to Moses?

1. Because he was a Jew and even God knows that Jews are good with real estate investments;
2. Because he owed Moses money and, being a Jew, Moses was charging him too much interest;
3. God had purchased the property a few years earlier, and the property value was going down, so he wanted to “dump” it
4. It’s all made up bullshit.

6. Mohammed rode a donkey to see the heavens because:

1. God was too cheap to pay for a first class (camel in those days) ticket (Moses was God’s bookkeeper at the time);
2. There were no camels available at the time;
3. Mohammed’s camel refused to give him a ride on account of him acting “all weird” around him the night before;
4. It’s all made up bullshit.

7. God sent archangel Gabriel to speak to Mohammed because:

1. He was too busy running the universe;
2. He was paying Gabriel, so he might as well do something (that good for nothing freeloader);
3. He thought that Mohammed was “too fucking weird” and wanted to stay as far a way from him as possible;
4. It’s all made up bullshit.

8. The Romans crucified Jesus because:

1. The Jewish lobby was too strong with the Romans and they convinced Pontius Pilate to kill him;
2. He had stolen a potato;
3. He was stealing all the whores away from the Roman soldiers;
4. He was too fucking annoying.

9. Mohammed and Moses liked young children in the following ways:

1. They wanted to be father figures to them;
2. They wanted to make them good followers of the word of God;
3. They saw God’s image in them;
4. They wanted to have sex with them because they were crazy child molesters;
5. (d) only. REALLY (d) only.

10. We learn the following from the following prophets:

1. You should love your fellow man;
2. You should have sex with your fellow man’s child / wife / sister, aunt, uncle, etc.;
3. God is merciful;
4. You can get away with all kinds of crazy shit so long as you claim to be appointed by God.


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by Goosfand on

All Semitic religions are based on fiction and illusions & load of pure crap.

If you need a religion look fareast ornear east better yet Zoroastrainism


Dear AO

by Rea on

I agree that in a "truly free society" we should be able to discuss anything and everything. But with respect, though. For what we find ridiculous, it's sacred to others.

From my own experience, it's give and take. Only when you soften up your talk, you get somewhere with them. "Them" being the followers of.

It's taken me years to come to this simple conclusion. ;o)

Anonymous Observer

Dear Rea

by Anonymous Observer on

I appreciate your feedback.  However, I look at this as the ultimate expression of free speech.  One of the reasons that I wrote this blog (aside from the fun of it) was to gauge people's reactions to it.  In a truly free society, offending people's sensitivities about a subject is not reason enough not to discuss it.  Therefore, the possibility that certain "believers" may be offended by what I have written here will not stop me from writing it.  They obviously have a choice in the matter.  They can choose not to read it.  


In fact, I find this blog lacking good taste and decency

by Rea on

If we, atheists, behave in such a way, what do we expect from the other side ?

Overall, C-. 


From a hard die atheist

by Rea on

Too much, overdone. A bit of respect for believers wouldn't do you any harm. 

Moses - don't think he ever existed.

Jesus - travelling magician, the Hermes school. Wasn't a gay, MM is a proof. Crucified, yes. The rest is b/s.

Mohammed - good statesman, ruthless warrior, no more no less.

Anonymous Observer

Ari & Oktaby

by Anonymous Observer on

Regardless of the narratives that are built around each of these characters, of particular interest to me is their actual existence.  Ari's analogy to the WMD debacle in Iraq is appropriate here.  if one believes that Moses actually existed, then he is bound to find enough anecdotal "evidence" in history to prove it.  Working one's way backward like that always produces the desired result.

The trick is to study history from the beginning and work one's way up without any particular prejudice -pretty hard to do, considering that the vast majority of people on this planet belong to one of the three religions.  But, if we can find someone, let's say in some village in China, who has not heard the story, teach him history and have him for his way up, the result would be that he will not find any references to anyone named Moses or any cataclysmic event that resulted in the drowning death of a major pharaoh.  

Egyptians were meticulous and obsessive record keepers, especially when it came to documenting the events surrounding their God like pharaohs.  It is just inconceivable for them to have left out such a major event from their records.  

The character of Moses was probably a creation of those who compiled the Torah, such as Ezra, who were heavily influenced by ancient Persian mythology. The story of him being adrift in the Nile in a basket (aside from being laughably ridiculous and unbelievable)  is straight out of Persian mythology.  

I also do not believe that Jesus (at least the version we are told about) actually existed.  His character is a mishmash of various philosophies and religions that were practiced by the Romans at the time, including Mithraism.  At best, "Jesus", if existed, was a disgruntled rabbi who had some sort of an issue of the overbearing Jewish ruling class, and who garnered some support among the public.  

Mohammed, for all his flaws, was at least an actual person.  There are adequate historical accounts of him from various sources, and there is actually a resting place for him in Mecca.  Not that any of that takes away from his vile character, but still, we know that he was real.   


4 for Q10

by oktaby on

likely answers for the rest can be inferred.

These characters are all part of mythology we choose to believe in, or grow up believing. Ari's historicity is well put. I would only add that Holocaust or Sabra/Shatila will exist regardless; even if by different names, places or actors because for manipulators the story is less important than desired outcome. Manipulated only get to choose the version presented and amount of suffering to inflict or tolerate.


Ari Siletz

Historicity of Moses

by Ari Siletz on

The characters in the patriarchal texts are like Iraq's weapons of mass destruction; even if none have been found so far, a believer cannot be convinced that they were never there. And like those WMDs, disparate real facts and events can be sewn together into a reasonably consistent narrative as long as we discard evidence that contradicts the plot.


Moreover, even historical characters, say Mohammad, crumble to the narrative building forces of human imagination and political motive. We don't know that Sahih Bukhari's accounts of the man are any more accurate than Herodtous' account of the battle of Thermopylae. Heck, we're still arguing over who Mossadegh was, who shot Kennedy, and whether Micahel Jackson was a pedophile.

Narratives--partly based on fact or pure fiction--that generate real events are part of our historical reality. For example, there would be no Holocaust, no Zionism, no Sabra and Shatila massacre without the Moses story. A non-existent Moses with a strong and historically influential story is more real for historical purposes than a Moses whose date and place of birth are accurately known but who stayed home and parted only his hair.  

Anonymous Observer

COP Jaan

by Anonymous Observer on

Thanks for the comment.  Please forward your exams so that you can get credit for your work.  :-))

Anonymous Observer

Ari- I agree with OI

by Anonymous Observer on

There's no historical record whatsoever of a person named "Moses", or anyone else who matches the story, in the Egyptian historical records, and they were meticulous record keepers.

These are just "pagan" mythologies--recycled.   


Nice Ari - BUT

by Onlyiran on

I agree with AO that from the three Mohammed was the only one who actually existed.  


AO Jon

by Cost-of-Progress on

I'll just cut to the chase and tell you that this is brilliant...Loved it.

I aced the test, I must add!




Ari Siletz

Some version history

by Ari Siletz on

Looks like each software version had more bugs than the previous one.                                                                          MOSES:

Man's Original Segregated Existential System.




Jewish Extended Sacaramental Upgrade Service



MObile Hebrew Arab Monotheistic ADendum.


This is not fair,

by Bavafa on

you ought to have provided an option for the readers chosen answer

And based on that here is my answer


- A very talented magician as no magician has been able to fool so many for so long and so well.

5 - The promise was as a result of lobbing pressure of AIPAC

6 - He likes to travel with a likeminded company

7 - who the hell is archangel Gabriel?

8 - Gays were outlawed during the Romans time just as it is in IRI regime and the punishement for being gay was crucification

9 - 4 but for difference reason, as Mohammed did it as a thug and abuser, Jesus was gay and did it for pleasure.

10. again # 4


Anonymous Observer

Ari - of particular difficulty is MS Word

by Anonymous Observer on

pretty temperamental program.

And as to the idea of free will, that is one big conundrum that no religion can really explain. It's the fundamental flaw of every single religion, and the best tool to debunk religions with a few steps using simple deductive reasoning.  

Anonymous Observer


by Anonymous Observer on

I think all of them were into that.  Goat was a highly desirable object of fantasy back then... :-)

Ari Siletz

Anonymous Observer

by Ari Siletz on

I often have similar problems with word processors. Frustrating! In the days of pen and ink, ensaan had free will; with software...

Hoshang Targol

Abraham: C , please

by Hoshang Targol on

yes: he was a " horny desert nomad who wanted to get it on with a black woman",  and at least according to a few historical (hitherto suppressed ) accounts, he was also a sheep and goat phucker.


The story goes like this: whenever Abraham would start  walking around his goats and sheeps, the animals would start  making noise saying: "Aaaaaabbraham"!



Anonymous Observer

Ari - Looking at the answer key, I think

by Anonymous Observer on

you scored less than 60%.   Sorry... :-))

Seriously, I really don't know why the list came out this way.   there were supposed to be numbers and letters like 1-5.  But when I cut and pasted from MS Word.  It somehow converted everything after number 5 to numbers only.  It was even more messed up though.  I emailed JJ about it, and he was nice enough to fix the other issues.   

Ari Siletz

Just a test run on this test

by Ari Siletz on

Alphabet section: 1-a    2-a     3-?    4?    Number section: 5?    6?     7-1    8-1   9-2  10-3


Please refer test back to editing department for number-letter mixup in choices.  Start with question number 9, fifth multiple choice answer .