WOMEN

As usual with ALL my writing, this is not MY story but it is a true story. You Men: be advised, this may be Rated W for women. But you'll be better off reading it too, so you can manage your relationships smoothly.

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I can't sleep, so I'm here, writing. Menopause is also here. Menopause, Pre-menopause, post menopause. WTF! What the hell do these words mean? Every woman has got her own interpretation. I brought up the topic at a luncheon with a few girlfriends. Total silence for a few moments and then looks of pity from staring eyes. "Are you pre-menpausal? They asked. "What the hell does that mean? I asked. "I'm not getting my periods any more. Is that pre, post, or what?"

Someone said with a sigh: "you know even when your period has ended, the symptoms could go on for years." Then all of a sudden a barrage of weird solutions spit out at me, various kinds of herbs and pills; each woman swearing by it. Stop it! Stop it, I wanted to yell. Instead, I said, "I'm just joking guys! Just wanted to see your reactions." Out came a sigh of relief from my friends.

Oh Lord, do you mean intense hot flashes, irritability, cravings can go on for ever? One minute I'm cold, the next minute my head is on fire and I want to run naked through the streets. Wait, wait, a hot flash is coming. I drop the laptop, hold my head and scream in my head: "You bastard, why the f*k women have to go through so much shit? What kind of god are you?". No answer came. Of course.

Eventually the fire in my head cooled down and I had to wrap a shawl around me. I was freezing. I picked up the laptop and I looked up the icky word. Pre-menopause is the period before your period stops! It can take up to 10 years! Yep, 10 years of intense hot flashes, night sweats, fatigue, anxiety, cravings, irritability and lack of sex drive can take over the best years of your life, your 40s. Then Menopause is the time when the periods eventually stop and you can't get pregnant any more. Thank god! So what the hell is post menopause? Are you post-menopausal until you die? Theoretically, yes. But this is good because no more hot flashes. Oh, but wait...pause! There's always a catch! Menopause symptoms may ease but continue for a long time after the menopause. Also unbalanced hormones, i.e. Low estrogen puts you at risk for osteoporosis, heart disease, breast cancer, bladder infections and genitourinary atrophy. Oh Joy!!!

The ghastliness of the situation hit me. Shit! I'm menopausal? How can I be so f*king old? When did this happen? I was still going to lose a bunch of weight, find a nice guy and get married! Well, not really get married. But, you know, flirting, romance, sex. Shit, it's all down the drain. This can't be happening to me! No way, no how! I'm not that old. I'm NOT in pre or post, menopause or pause of any kind.

Wait, wait! Okay, Pause...Rewind!

It must be my neighbor, the Indian Woman named Reema, having a hot flash, running and screaming naked through the streets.

Poor woman! She must be menopausal.

Visit Niloo Soleimani's blog //niloospond.blogspot.com