ELECTIONS

I'm not talking about the US presidential election, that one doesn't actually have any bearing or make the slightest bit of difference to us as Iranians. Apparently equal opportunity means being screwed out of freedom by both parties. Although Rick Perry looks especially mean, when he smiles.

But I'm talking about the upcoming Iranian Presidential election in which those of you who still think that your vote actually counts (or is even counted), or harbor the ridiculous notion that it is somehow your patriotic duty to participate in this grand theft and greater charade.

So, if you insist, and stand firm in your belief that you need to sanction this one in 2013 as your next closest thing to a free election, go right ahead.

Just make sure you take note of and remember today's clown and puppet show put on by the current resident evil, Ahmadinejad, as played by Khamenei. Because the puppet master isn't going anywhere soon.

I have to admit, that I am somewhat glad that Ahmadinejad is the current president of Iran. Because that means he can never ever become president again. At least under the current rules. I guess you never know.

That being said, one can only wonder what form of paper mache headed drone, in God's name, Khamenei is planning on sliding his slimy hand up and into, to parade as the next best incarnation of his vision for the Toady President of Iran.

So, if you're going to vote (even though it doesn't count, and only perpetuates the Status Quo) to properly prepare yourself for this exercise in bodily fluid dynamics, it is important for you to know the richless and gand tradition of the Iranian Presidency, so you can truly appreciate the aroma it gives off.

To begin, or once upon a time in a far away land, or there once was a beautiful Princess named Iran...

In 1979 Mehdi Bazargan dusted off the old, outdated, and obsolete 1906 Iranian Constitution that was based on the old, outdated and obsolete French Constitution, blessed it, renamed, and promptly resubmitted it as the 1979 Constitution of Iran. Contrary to popular belief that the Supreme Leader job was assigned in a later revision, it gave the job of Head of State to the Supreme leader, or Khomeini, at that time.

So right there, if it isn't jumping out at you, and screaming VOY!!!! You should recognize that at this week's meeting in NY, at the UN, with all the other real Heads of State of all the countries in the whole world, on God's still mostly green but increasingly scorched earth, Ahamdinejad stood there, instead of Iran's current official Head of State, Khamenei.

Note that the ugly debutante without a date has repeatedly crashed this ball.

Of all the nut jobs Iran has to offer, Khamenei should be the nut job in NY this week, ballyhooing about Israel and all the fake holocaust assertions, as Iran's Head of State, not Ahmadinejad.

Now go back and correct ALL these same UN attendances Mahmoud needed to be absent from. Now go back and ask the UN why they would ever allow someone who is not Iran's Head of State to attend and worse, speak the nonsensical rhymes and retarded limericks Ahmadinejad has repeatedly projectile vomited onto the UN podium, through the microphones and throughout the media into everyone's faces and laps. In Dolby Surround Sound 5.1 HD.

Back to 1979...

After the 1906 Constitution was passed as the 1979 Constitution, in October of 1979, finally by January of 1980, the first Iranian election happened, and 76% of Iran's voters elected Abulhassan "Call me Dr." Banisadr as the first Iranian president in history. And 76% of everyone was ecstatic. So ecstatic that less than a year and half later, in June of 1981, he was impeached because everyone very quickly became less than ecstatic.

Because Iranians after a revolution (or before dinner) hate to wait too long for anything, in July of 1981, a new President was hurriedly elected, one Mohammad-Ali Rajai, who although very short in height, was tall enough to be killed by a briefcase bomb placed in a meeting room, by the MEK, less than one month later. Also killed was the Prime Minister of Iran, a mollah by the name of Mohammad Javad Bahonar, who apparently wasn't bahonar enough to escape the blast.

Although imprisoned by the Shah, Rajai was most famous for helping purge Iran's Universities of Western Influence after the revolution. Other than that he was pretty much unqualified to be President, which made him perfect for the job.

After the assassinations, Ali Khamenei, a mollah, became president from 1981-1989. He realized that President was shit compared to Supreme Leader so he became Supreme Leader which is much much cooler if you can find the personal fortitude and dig deep into your moral corruption and force yourself to really get into it. After Khamenei, Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, a mollah, became president from 1989-1997. Contrary to Ahmadinejad's subtly vague and doubt-veiled threats against Israel, Rafsanjani is the only Iranian President to actually confirm that if he ever got his "Motherfucking hands on one", he would most certainly "nuke the shit out of Israel". I am paraphrasing of course.

After Rafsanjani, Mohammad Khatami, another mollah, and a seyed too, became president from 1997-2005. During Khatami's presidency, surprisingly the most political reform gains were made, only to be utterly smashed, dashed and completely destroyed during Khatami's second term, because it turns out the President of Iran although can talk a good talk as much as he wants, doesn't actually have any power to do anything, as long as the Supreme Leader feels the slightest bit peckish.

Which brings us to the current president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who became President in 2005 and who everyone on pretty much every side of this quadratic and mostly erratic equation, is happy his term will thankfully come to an end in 2013. Ahmadinejad was the chauffeur and valet of Khamenei. He was apparently so damn good at chauffeuring and valeting, that it became obvious to Khamenei that this qualified him to become the president of Iran. Twice. Or, that Khamenei meant to make this point, that "I can take any damn common monkey and make him the god damn President, if I want." I'm putting this fictitious statement in quotes, not because it is necessarily true, but because I'd just like to think that this was possibly one of those side comments Khamenei made to one of his closer friends on the Guardian Council during poker night after the strippers left.

In 2009 Ahmadinejad almost lost his re-election bid to Mir Hossein Moussavi who used to be Prime Minister, until Khamenei eliminated his job in 1989, hey nothing personal, but "You're Fired!".

Ahmadinejad won the election with the now considered brilliant political maneuver code named "Potato Plan", in which he collected the votes he needed to win the election by handing out bags of potatoes to a literally "hungry electorate". In addition, the other votes from the less hungry "city folk" were miscounted and fudged and faked in order to guarantee that the orderly and successful continuation of the Ahamdinejad era of Iranian politics endured on and directly into the posterior of posterity.

But all good things must surely come to pass, and after Ahmdinejad is entered right next to and alongside the very "Israeli regime" that he failed to erase from the "Pages of History", who will Khamenei choose for you to vote for, to take his place?

I'm no political scholar and prefer the cynical end of this shtick, but I would be seriously looking at Khamenei's valet, butler, or chauffeur in case there is some talent there, that's where he seems to find his best draft picks.

Or, maybe the good leader is tired of all this fake choice, and wants to this time, simply cut to the chase and just get it over with and pose his son Mojtaba Khamenei to the post. That would kill 2 protesters with one stone, since Mojtaba is the head of the Basij and it's always nice when you can mix business with pleasure.

So, I hope that this primer on Iranian presidents has helped you, if you plan on voting. And that you can vote more intelligently and better informed. Of course I won't be there, because I think voting in an Iranian election is like voting for American Idol, sure it's a lot of fun to watch, but ultimately it is nothing more than a big waste of time.