The End of the War on Terrorism

(La Guerre est Morte, Vive la Guerre!)


The End of the War on Terrorism
by QRStuve

We are SO happy to announce that the Cold War is not over after all! The bad guys are still the Russians!

Whew! It was a rough patch there, the breakup of the USSR, then the nice-guy premiers they had, old pal Gorbie, Yeltsin drunk but friendly, the oligarchs, it looked like the Russkies were just homeys with a heavy accent. What were we gonna do? Do you remember back twelve years, twenty, what was it? The fall of the Berlin Wall! Détente! Friendship! Mir! Drüg! Hoo boy, what was going to happen to all those unneeded defense dollars? Remember? Nobody knew, the talking heads, Ted Kennedy, the Repubs. For a while there Ronnie Reagan had a Star Wars thing going but then he went to Reykjavik and almost called off the arms race! That’s how close it was. People were thinking we might have to fight AIDS in Africa or have single-payer healthcare. Remember Hillary during Clinton’s first year? Hegemony was gonna have to come through non-violent means like NAFTA. George Bush was elected and there was antiglobalization, Seattle, lowest presidential ratings since Howard Taft. Desperate times.

And then 9/11, which was a lifesaver for George and the gang. The War on Terror! The Patriot Act! Osama bin Laden! The Military Commissions Act! Islamic Fundamentalism! Even, for god’s sake, Peak Oil and Global Warming!

But mainly The War on Terror. The Endless War, like a Beach Boys song or Annette Funicello movie or Warren Miller ski flick. Chase that bad boy Osama into the hinterlands of Afghanistan, into the North-West Frontier of Pakistan. And anthrax, remember? And the USS Cole. And Saddam, the yellowcake terrorist of Iraq, the pal of Osama, he invaded Iran on our behalf but later went bad, manufactured weapons of mass destruction or something.

It never quite took, though. Much as we tried to get enthusiastic about terrorism, it was always a little forced. Remember Freedom Fries? The Dixie Chicks? All those newscasters stumbling over strange middle-eastern names. Talk shows with university experts explaining the difference between Shias and Sunnis. The history of the Muslim Brotherhood. We tried so hard to learn why it all made a difference.

And Israel grew from our one democratic friend in the region—heck, the region grew into The Region—she moved into the executive branch and became our main partner in the War on Terror, our best collaborator. (Better than any of the EU countries, certainly—remember the French, who wanted conditions, the Spanish pulling their troops out?) Now we softies understood terrorism too, we felt the pain of direct assault, the intransigent Muslim mind, we’d had a lesson, we began to appreciate why we’d been sending so much money to so few for so long, though I must say from personal experience that it still wasn’t so easy for a taxpayer from their primary means of support to enter on foot from Jordan—the guards must have thought our training needed reinforcement, we didn’t appreciate the dangers of standing in the Arab line…

Lessons, lessons, it was so much work that War on Terrorism, trying to understand why Musharraf had to go when until now he’d been our staunch supporter in his own Region, and poor Benazir Bhutto—Bhutto who?—not that Small Gods Must Be Crazy author? Oof. We’d had practice in Latin America, but it was so hard to learn a new set of friends and enemies and arguments. We tried.

But now! Calloo callay! The Russians are back. You can see the relief on the newscasters’ faces! You can hear the joy in the BBC radio voices! These are the enemies we grew up with! We can say their names! Maybe not the way they say them—that doesn’t matter—but the way we say them. We know who we’re talking about again. Not those damn Arabic foreigners! The ones we grew up hating when we were kids!

Remember how we used to crawl under the desks together? Weren’t we cute? It was the Russians! And now they’re back! The SOBs invaded Georgia. (Not the one next to Florida, the one next to our Regional Friend.) The SOBs! They’re not good guys after all! They’re still SOBs! Ah, how warm and fuzzy defending the world’s democracies from Communism again.

The War on Terror is over! The Cold War is back! La guerre est morte, vive la guerre!


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Farhad khan...

by Okey Dokey (not verified) on

... of course, everyone who does whatever you like is joining in the War on Terror. If you say so.

By the way you spell "basidji" it makes me think you reside in some French-speaking country. And here I am thinking it's just the Americans who have been taught to make looloo khorkhoreh out of the Middle East and who continue their sleep talking: "Russia invaded Georgia. Russia invaded Georgia..."

Don't wake up Farhad khan. Just roll over and enjoy your lala. There is no such thing as looloo -- heck, it may be the looloo that is the conspiracy theory.

Farhad Kashani

What is this writer try to

by Farhad Kashani on

What is this writer try to say? That the war on terrorism was a “conspiracy”? or that the Russians are “not back”???? I just never understand why conspiracy theorism has become so popular.


War on terrorism: first you have to define it. The war on terrorism is war against Islamic fundamentalism global violence. First off, it wasn’t “invented” after 9/11, it just took a different turn as the U.S got officially involved in it on that day. Second off, most Muslim countries had their own “War on terrorism” before 9/11. Egypt had a campaign against Islamic fundamentlists who were mass murdering people in the 1990s, Algeria had a “War on terrorism” against Islamic fundamentalist who were mass murdering people in the 1990s, Morocco since 1990s and till today had its own “war on terrorism” against Islamic fascists who butcher people in the name of religion. Syria waged a war against Islamic fundamentalism in the 1980s. Lebanon civil war was partially against Islamic forces, such as Hezbollah. Philippines has been waging war against Abu Sayyaf Islamic fundamentalists since 1980s till today. The struggle of Afghani people against Taliban was part of “War on Terrorism”. And as we speak, new countries such as S Arabia and Pakistan and Yemen and Mauritania and Iraq are involved in fighting Islamic fundamentalism, i.e participating in “War on Terrorism”. Its not “America’s war” first and foremost, it’s the Muslims war against an idea that promotes the culture of death. Iranians however lost the war against Islamic fundamentalist terrorism when Khomeini took power in 1979. So each country had had and has its own. Europe is involved in it. Africa is and so is Asia, even Australia, and very soon thanks to Chavez, Latin America.  So for the love of whatever you believe in, wake up! This struggle is real, and its not just military. Its an idea. Sending thousands of soldiers into streets to fight a bunch of murderours who hide amongst civilians is not the best solution. When an Iranian girl confronts the Basijdi guy in the street when he is trying to take way her undeniable right to dress the way she wants, she is involved in war against terrorism, because this war is against Islamic fundamentalism. When an article is written on this site exposing the IRI regime, that article is part of war of terrorism. WAKE UP!


Russia: hell yeah its back. It has money and power now, and just like its history, its starting to invade and intimidate its neighbors. Nothing new there.




by Jaleho on

Really, the CONCRETE war on the old and well-established enemy doesn't even need an effort to sell!

War on "subjects", although it satisfied the American love affair with "war", was losing its charm and effectiveness anyway. Too many "subjects," war on drugs, war on poverty, war on global warming, war on terrorism.....

But hey, one good thing about global war on terrorism is that it can satisfy any party, any time since it can go anywhere you please, just call it so. This one is more in The Region.....but wait, Putin just went to Cuba again!!! Alright, I guess eastern and western hemispheres still add up to Global :-)



Cold war

by sharizie (not verified) on

Cold war was replaced by south and North war (per Bush senior, Wolfowitz , other clowns) in 1991. They actual had an open forum to advocate this conflict in American Enterprise Institute in 1991.

The miscalculation led to creation of 1.5+ billion enemy not 200 million like the USSR.


Funny funny funny

by Iranian Reader (not verified) on

This piece is so funny -- and so right on.

Where did this guy Stuve come from? He's hilarious. I guess there are still some smart people on this site after all!

cyrous moradi

La Paix Froid!

by cyrous moradi on

I think afte 1991 we have some kind of cold peace instead of cold war.The most important issue is being common language between Russia and the West. They know how to bargin and make a deal. Russia now is a full member of G8 countries that is fully western style club and its values. As you may recall even in the middle of Caucasus war , Putin made this point clear that they are not against west but there are somekind of disagreements among them about few issues!!! cyrous

shinie head

Beautiful translation?

by shinie head on

Thanks for your effort if you translated it. At any event this is a wonderful reminder.