Islamic Multiple Choice Exams


by divaneh

I was recently asked by the Howzeh-ye Elmieh (Islamic Seminary in Qom) to design a multiple choice examination paper to test the theological knowledge and the judgement of the graduating Ayatollahs.  I designed the following paper that was hailed as one of a kind by all the grand Ayatollahs and I was subsequently offered a seat in the seminary that I respectfully declined.

In designing the paper in each case I have stated a generally accepted religious ruling and then have added to the complexity to test the judgement of the Ayatollahs-to-be.

These are not matters of joke but precise Islamic science at work to solve our everyday problems.



In the following questions please tick one choice only.

Question 1:

Generally accepted ruling:

It is forbidden to let sun or moon look at a Muslim’s private parts and the believers have been asked to hide their sexy bits from the peeping sun and moon when they are busy with discharging number one or number two. In case that they have no other way to hide their private glories from the celestial perverts, it is recommended to hold their hands in front of their dipstick or punanni  to hide them from the dirty two.

Complex Case:

A man walking in the desert needs to take a dump. The sun is right above his head and the man unfortunately has no arms. He has a big schlong and no matter in which directions he would seat, sun would still see his johnson. What should the man do? Should he:

A- Do it in his trousers.
B- Get dip in the sand and do it there.
C- Lie on the ground on his belly and relieve himself with butt facing the sky.
D- Spot the nearest cloud and do his squat under its shadow, making sure that he would move along with the cloud as he is busy with the good job.
E- Shot the Ayatollah who said this.

Question 2:

Generally accepted ruling:

Should a man make love to a donkey resulting in him firing his sperm gun inside the beast, then he must not keep that donkey any longer nor sell it in his own village. He must take it to another village and sell it there.

Complex Case:

A man shags a sexy donkey and experiences the best orgasm of his life. He then does his religious duty and sells the donkey in another village. A day later he sees a man selling the same donkey in his own village and realises that the seller must also be doing his religious duty. What should he do? Should he:

A- Buy the unfaithful donkey and sell it in the third village.
B- Kill the man who has slept with his temporary wife.
C- Kill the horny donkey who seduces the god-fearing believers.
D- Tell the seller about his climax and ask him how it was for him.
E- Hang the Ayatollah who said this.

Question 3:

Generally accepted ruling:

If a Muslim misses a day of fasting, then he has to fast another day instead. If a man or a woman dies whilst he/she still owes god some fasting days, then it is the duty of the eldest son to fast for the number of days that the deceased has missed.  Same ruling applies for the missed daily prayers.

Complex Case:

Parents of a believer never fast or say their prayers and they both die at the age of 75, each owing Allah about 6o years fasting (i.e. 60 months). Now the son has to fast 120 months in addition to his own fasting. This equates to almost 11 years of continuous fasting. Meanwhile he also has to cater for all the missed prayers. Should he:

A- Piss on his parents graves everyday.
B- Change sex.
C- Convince his younger brother that he is indeed the older one.
D- Become a Christian.
E- Throw the Ayatollah who said this from a cliff.

Question 4:

Generally accepted ruling:

A man should not have frontal sex with his wife when she is on her period but if needed can use the back door. If he does hanky panky in the front then he has to pay a fine. To calculate the fine, the wife’s period duration is divided into three. If he does it in the first third, he must give 18 nekhods (peas) gold to the poor people. In the second third 9 nekhods, and in the last third 4.5 nekhods gold must be given to the poor people. Back passage is free of charge all the way through.

Complex Case:

A man decides to use the toll free tunnel to keep the household expenses down and approaches his wife form the back. Unfortunately his Sperminator slips and enters the chargeable front. Should he:

A- Damn it and pay the poor people.
B- Hit his wife for her failure to provide proper guidance.
C- Explain what happened to the poor people to see if they would accept to give him half the gold back.
D- Next time try the spare wives first.
E- Stone the Ayatollah who said this.


In each case it is permissible to add your own choice with sufficient explanations.



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Veiled Prophet of Khorasan


by Veiled Prophet of Khorasan on

1) B: Dig a hole in the sand; stick his shlong in there and hope there are no venomous creatures in there. Outch!

2) A: No point killing a good donkey. I would sell it back to the same dude and take turns. Just hope he don't got any VD.

3) B: That is the obvious choice. Legal under IR and getts him off the hook.

4) D: What you you think those spare wives are there for.

Ari Siletz

Donkey for sale!

by Ari Siletz on

Divaneh apologies for interrupting your wonderful blog with an advertisement, but in case any of the graduates in Qom are interested, our town has a donkey for sale. Also makes an excellent graduation present. Thank you.


Yes, of course, the correct answer is "E"

by Roozbeh_Gilani on

As pointed out by others, very sadly some of these are real employment screening  questions in the Islamic republic of Iran. Real, no kidding. This is part of the reason why so many of us choose to live and work not in our beloved homeland, Iran.

Thank you Divaneh for another great blog, nontheless. 

"Personal business must yield to collective interest."

khaleh mosheh

Thank you O Shiekh Divaneh

by khaleh mosheh on

for putting forward a number of complex cases to illustrate the depth of vigour in our holy jurisprudence. 

I am heartened to see genuine scholars such as your very good self engaged in pushing the barriers of our beloved sharia with all its glorious nuances and subtelties. You ar truly a servant of God Almighty- may Allah bestow upon you 72 virgin houris in heavon- to which you are undoubtedly bound hopefully after a very long life in the present earthly body.

PS- can you please  e-mail the official answers to me? I am applying for a job in the ministry of culture and islamic guidance as an undersectary to the department head for general censorship of modern film production and my test is a week on Thursday..I will make it worth your while brother.  In the meantime please tell my husband the answer to case 4 is NOT B- I am black and blue and my doctor thinks I have three broken ribs.

Mash Ghasem

Brother Majnon Bismillah,

by Mash Ghasem on

As Mirza pointed out, these are some of the acual 'questions' asked in IR.

A long while ago when we were struggling students with not much budget for entertainment, our funniest part of the night was to read Khomeini's Tozih'olmasel and his advise on how to propelry sodomize  an African Lion (I'm not making this up, check it out yourselves), and various other exotic animals according to rules of Shia Islam...

Aonther outstandign episode in such 'educationals'  was a series of lectures on Iranian natioanl TV ( in early 80's) where the mullah hosting the program would ask questions  such as:

" If a man is sleeping on the second floor, and is having fantasies, and his aunt is sleeping on the first floor, and there's an earth quake, and the man from second floor, falls down and ends up on top of his Auntie, and there's an insertion, is the kid from that encounter Haromzadeh or not?"

Answer is E.


حاج آقا


حاج آقا دیوانه،
به نظر پدر مرحوم من، مهم ترین سئوال کتاب اکستینکت خمینی، که هنوز هم باقی مانده این است: در هنگام نظافت ماتحت، آیا یک یا دو بند انگشت کافیست؟
خواهشمندم که این سئوال را دوباره برای حضرات مطرح بفرمایید.
ممنون از سئوالات شنگول منگولی جنابعالی!

Artificial Intelligence

Divaneh Jan

by Artificial Intelligence on

I cried from the laughter. Thank you!

Shazde Asdola Mirza

Sadly, those question are actually used in IRI for screening

by Shazde Asdola Mirza on

... when they employ teachers, engineers and doctors.

Bad Stories for Bad Kids

M. Saadat Noury

Excellent piece of work

by M. Saadat Noury on

Everybody can pass your MCE since all participants know the only correct answer to any question is E!