What I Found When I Hacked Into JJ's Email, Part I

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anonymous111.2
by anonymous111.2
06-Oct-2009
 

I have always been fascinated with this Jahanshah Javid character.  I have always wanted to know what makes this creature, who—if you look really closely—kind of looks like Dick Cheney with hair, tick.  After all, he is the owner, MC, the Zen master and the Grand Ayatollah of this site to which we are all addicted.  So, I asked around, but given the fact that I do not live in San Francisco (which also makes me not gay) or the surrounding area, no one knew who, or what for that matter, I was talking about when I mentioned the name Jahanshah Javid (on one occasion someone did actually know him…but let’s not go there).

So, I did the next best thing in order to quench my insatiable taste for knowledge about our favorite former revolutionary, Mr. Javid: I violated several federal (and possibly state) laws and hacked into his email.  At first, there wasn’t a lot that grabbed my attention, just a lot of online bills that he had paid--you know--the usual stuff, the phone bill, credit cards, donations to the Christian Coalition, bills for the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, which I assume is some kind of a rabbit rescue program, etc.  By the way, as an animal lover, I applaud Mr. Javid for his contribution to what appears to be a very worthy cause.

But as I scrolled down through his email messages, though, I began to notice things that confirmed the rumors and accusations on this site that Mr. Javid is really an Islamist, Zionist, Mossad trained, Hezbollah hugging, communist, Baha’i loving, CIA tool.  My suspicions were confirmed by reading the following emails, which I will cut and paste here. 

________________________________________________________________________

 

To: jj@iranian.com

From: natanyahu@israel.gov

Date” October 1, 2009

Subject: Zionist propaganda on Iranian.com

Dear JJ,

I am writing to personally thank you for all your efforts in propagating Zionism on your website, and for deleting all anti-Zionist comments from your site (and also for keeping all my comments when I write under my username “Jaleho”).  Your monthly payment of $5,000.00, which I personally took out of UN relief fund for Gaza, will be wired to your bank account.  Shalom.  Love and kisses, Benji.

To: jj@iranian.com

From: jannati@IRI.gov

Date” October 1, 2009

Subject: IRI propaganda on Iranian.com

Dear JJ,

I am writing to personally thank you for all your efforts in spreading IRI propaganda on your website, and for deleting all anti-IRI comments from your site (and also for keeping all my comments when I write under my username “anonymous111.2”).  Your monthly payment of $5,000.00, which I personally took out of Mousavi’s campaign fund, will be wired to your bank account.  Wasallam.

To: jj@iranian.com

From: agent984567@cia.gov

Date” October 1, 2009

Subject: CIA propaganda on Iranian.com

Dear JJ,

I am writing to personally thank you for all your efforts in propagating CIA’s point of view on your website, and for deleting all comments that expose our dirty work from your site (and also for keeping all my comments when I write under my username “Mola Nassredin”). Your monthly payment of $5,000.00, which I personally took out of Fouad Khomous’ income tax refund, will be wired to your bank account.  ttyl.

 

________________________________________________________________________

I am not going to bore you with the emails from Putin and the Baha’i guy, but I do want to post this rather strange email from someone in the Nigerian government:

To: jj@iranian.com

From: thelostprince@nigeria.gov

Date” October 1, 2009

Subject: email list from Iranian.com

Dear JJ,

I am writing to personally thank you for all your efforts in providing us with the user list and email addresses for all Iranian.com users.  This will enable us to inform every single one of them of the millions of dollars that are waiting for them in unclaimed royal money in Nigeria.

Your payment of $5,000.00, which I personally took out of the prince’s bank account, will be wired to your account.  Before that happens, however, please send us a check in the amount of $100.00 for the processing fees.  May God bless your soul. 

 

________________________________________________________________________

After reading these emails, I scrolled down a bit further, and then, I hit the jackpot.  I found a draft copy of the proposed changes to the new Iranian.com comment policy.  BUT, knowing that the attention span of the average Iranian.com reader is about that of a fruit fly, and for purely vain reasons, I will not post it in this blog…because you won’t read it…it will be “too long”.  I will post it in my next blog. 

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anonymous111.2

JJ

by anonymous111.2 on

Point noted.  Thanks.  As I said before, your reaction is really not that unusual.  Many people are like that…unfortunately however, I will have to post Part II.  Otherwise, I will be reneging on my promise to my fellow fruit flies on this site.  Actually, the piece on “you” pokes more fun at the users on this site (myself included) than you personally.

Thanks for the compliment about the whole writing thing.  May be I’ll send you the project that I’m working on right now when it’s finally done.  I just decimated it by reducing it from a 125 pages to 85 pages…I thought that the 40 pages were junk…so I just went “delete” crazy with Finaldraft.  Now I have to add at least another 25-30 pages to it to get it where it needs to be…hence, the frustration and the writer’s block.  So, the choice was either making fun of you, or a lunch time round of Nintendo Wii, and since I had trouble with my Wii remote, I chose the former!  

And no worries as far as the picture is concerned.  I understand.  I have found another really nice photo of you online that I will be using for the next part. :-)))))) It was a toss up between that and a picture of a bunch of fruit flies, and I chose you instead!

On a more serious note, I think that I speak on behalf of everyone in saying thank you for providing us with this forum to express ourselves and discuss issues that effect our homeland.      

 


Jahanshah Javid

Thanks, but...

by Jahanshah Javid on

anonymous111.2, I get very uncomfortable when someone chooses me as a subject for anything, especially if it's not a personal attack. Criticism I can handle. I'm always ready to defend myself. But I want to run away when I get compliments or if I'm the subject for satire. I ask myself, of all the people/subjects in the world, why me? I don't see myself as anything special. Quite the contrary.

The photo included friends and I didn't want them to be surprised and get mixed in something that has nothing to do with them.

I still have not read your piece (and I simply can't) but from the reactions it appears that you are a very good writer with a sense of humor. You are welcome to continue this story if you wish. I hope it helps you get over writers block. I would love to read and feature your works of fiction -- on other topics :)

Wishing you the best. I meant no disrespect.


anonymous111.2

The Mrs.

by anonymous111.2 on

I just wanted to follow up on your comments here.  JJ’s reaction is really not that out of the ordinary.  Satire is a strange thing.  People have different thresholds when it comes to being made fun of, and a lot of it depends on their personality and background.  I kind of do this (writing) professionally.  I don’t do much satire though. I usually write fiction, horror to be exact (should explain why I have such a dark outlook on life), and mostly screenplays.  I have also dabbled a bit in historical fiction.  I do satire for fun and for my own entertainment.  I wrote this piece yesterday at lunch to relieve a huge episode of writer’s block.  But I have seen how different people react to satire.  I wrote a piece poking fun at Jaleho a couple of weeks ago, which is listed below in my “recent postings” (or whatever it’s called), which was much harsher on her than this piece was on JJ.  But she took it like a champ and was actually quite gracious and funny about it—which is a very good thing to know from the writer’s prospective.  But JJ may not like to be poked fun at…or maybe the piece rubbed him the wrong way…or perhaps it was the photo, or something else that I cannot think of.  Regardless, though, he is not “wrong” for not liking it. (Note to self: stop using the word “though”)

As a writer, you get used to be critiqued, yelled at, belittled and called all kinds of other things.  Trust me, getting the cold shoulder from someone who you just made fun of is really not the worst thing that can happen to you.  BUT, for Part II, I will change the blog picture.  Perhaps that will make things right. :-)

Thanks for your comments.


Onlyiran

Very Funny

by Onlyiran on

Nicely written.  Looking forward to Part II.


anonymous111.2

Shepesh

by anonymous111.2 on

Thanks again for the compliment.  Now I have to get back to tending to my pet fruit flies.


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by Shepesh on

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anonymous111.2

Shepesh Jaan

by anonymous111.2 on

very funny. :-)

I think that this whole picture thing is being blown out of proportion.  It was a picture of JJ with a couple of young ladies (not young ladies in a sinister way, just a couple of nicely dressed, respectable ladies) which I found online.  He took it out, which is OK. 

Actually, I had chosen the photo because it was the best one of JJ that I could find.  The others were all of his face (like the one in his avatar) which are kind of weird.  I thought it was OK to use the photo since it's online and can be accessed by the whole world.  But JJ didn't like it for the reasons that he has mentioned...and that's OK...Actually, for part II of the blog, I will look for a photo of JJ on the beach in Nice...for that, I will really have to hack into his email. :-). 


default

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by Shepesh on

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anonymous111.2

Monda Jan

by anonymous111.2 on

I'm sure he is.  You know, I only satirize people who I find interesting. :-) wait-I just put my foot in my mouth.  Everyone is interesting in his / her own way...but I can only satirize one at a time).

BDM jan, that makes you my next  target :-))) (I enjoy your writings.  You're a talented writer).  I do have to get into BDM's head a little bit more, though.

Thanks again everyone for your comments...


Manoucher Avaznia

حالا که زحمت

Manoucher Avaznia


حالا که زحمت کشیدی و رفتی بالای کوه دِنا التفاطا بگو: "گو مو رِ ندیدی".


Monda

amin!

by Monda on

I love what I do.. It's not work really. 

 


Souri

This was funny and original!

by Souri on

Lots of work and subtle ideas! I truly enjoyed it, even if the picture was irrelevant. Maybe the choice of the picture was not so subtle :) but the text is great!


Bitter Divorced Man

بیکارانِ جهان، متحد شوید!

Bitter Divorced Man


 

مرگ بر کار!  

 


Monda

torokhoda JJ bekhoon o bekhand:o))

by Monda on

very creative...JJ is an intriguing person and I hope you get to meet in person someday soon. Waiting for your part 2.

a proud fruit fly 


TheMrs

Besides JJ you are being a

by TheMrs on

Besides JJ you are being a hypocrite. You put videos of people in very vulnerable situations without their permissions. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, I won't name the blogs. Your explanation was that it's on the net and it's relevant. So if this picture, whatever it was since I didn't see anything, was on the net and served the purpose of the blogger, what's the problem?


TheMrs

Sorry I think this was a

by TheMrs on

Sorry I think this was a bit on the "loos" side but that's ok. It's not a crime.

The reason why I decided to comment is because of JJ's comment. Permission? what picture? Do I need Angelina Jolie's permission because I'm using her icon? Clarification please.

Also, I'd like to remind JJ that beekari is the number one reason his site is popular! I hope he didn't mean it as an insult...

And, what can be more productive? Researching nuclear non proliferation treaties? This is as good as it gets.

Beekaaraa ham del daran!

 


anonymous111.2

BDM

by anonymous111.2 on

Thanks for the kind words.  The picture was removed, so problem solved. : -)

Thanks everyone else for your comments.

JJ: the picture was online.  I googled your name and it came up.  So, it was nothing private that I had in my possession.  It's already in cyberspace....and you are right...I should really get back to work... 

 


sima

Raast migeh digeh digeh

by sima on

You should read this JJ. It's pretty funny. Or maybe I've turned into some fruit fly species and can't handle any of the serious pieces people write.


Iraneh Azad

Dear JJ, Please Read it

by Iraneh Azad on

Its funny and very relevant. I always see people attacking you from all different sides accusing you of being things you are not.

I did not see any pictures here......Just LMAO:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Jahanshah Javid

Beekar

by Jahanshah Javid on

Please do not post pictures of people without their permission. I don't have a problem, but they might.

I didn't read this, but I suggest you spend your time doing something more productive.


Bitter Divorced Man

LOL :O)

by Bitter Divorced Man on

You're very creative, that's for sure, but I think you should've used a different Blog Image to go with your blog.


anonymous111.2

BDM

by anonymous111.2 on

It was the lowest form of life that I could acttually observe with the naked eye.  I am sure that tape worms and amoeba have shorter spans of attention, but it was difficult to assert that without haveing to dissect something and without the aid of a microscope, which I did not have in my possession (plus, I also personally do not have tape worms and do not know who I had to dissect).  So, in order not to slander species that I have not observed or examined, I had to settle for the fruit fly.


Bitter Divorced Man

This is unbelievable!

by Bitter Divorced Man on

Why did you have to go on insulting fruit flies by comparing us to them!