Is it just me or do Iranians have a huge stick shoved in their ass? The other night I went to a party with a group of French friends and I met this Iranian guy there who had recently come from London. I was a bit drunk but I managed to have a meaningful conversation with the guy who was owned a very strange name. I think the name is kind of cool, very different, somewhat refreshing. I told him my boyfriend, whom I have quite a serious relationship with is overseas, and immediately like any normal Iranian, he asked why I haven’t married him. If I had counted, it would have probably been the 50th time an Iranian asks me why I haven’t married my boyfriend. This question is really proposing two questions to me, and ironically enough, it’s always the guys asking it.

Firstly what they are really asking is, if it is serious like you say it is then why aren’t you wearing a ring? And secondly if you are in a serious relationship then why are you not married, it must be because you are not serious and you are just trying to play hard to get with me.

So you know, me drunk and acting a little self indulgent I decided I really didn’t want to get into a political discussion about marriage and traditions so I simply ended the topic by saying “chon man cliché’ shekanam” – because I’m a cliché’ breaker. That, surprisingly did the job.

So what happens when you have bita on too much vodka? You get a humanitarian, peace loving, happy and ultra friendly saint who could even be nominated for a noble peace prize. I even think a couple of people gave me hi fives and told me if I ever ran as a politician they would vote for me. I was pretty drunk.

Leaving all this minor detail beside, by nature I’m just nice, or people keep saying, but really I’m not nice. I’m a little crazy and really an average person can’t like me, so all my friends are either really nice who put up with me, or really special that can see what surfaces only when I’m drunk. After all it is the truth that comes out when you’re drunk. You have little control over your personality, and well the mind is relaxed.

So anyway I’m sitting next to this guy and I’m telling him how much I love Iranians and how much I care for them, but in fact I hate Iranians. Iranians are really nasty. Iranians are mad. Iranians can’t stand each others’ guts and keep on to their traditions like they will get ass cancer without it. I mean seriously, it is us who is fucked up not the state. We have to be dreaming to think that Iranians are represented by a handful of bloggers and activists that rally for human rights, equality and a secular state. No, the disease is within us.

So why do Iranian guys treat me like I’ve got the plague when I tell them I’m committed and I have a boyfriend? This party was an excellent opportunity for me to meet people and potential friends. Quite frankly I’m running low on the supply. It doesn’t help when you change jobs and your best friend decides she hates you for not making it to her birthday even after you explained to her you had to go to an important business conference. Did I mention, she is Iranian.

It’s really hard for me because I feel like I don’t understand the mind and behavior of Iranians. I quite honestly want to hear some feedback to this story and I want to know what you guys have experienced. I’ve met quite a few international Iranian students in the past year and they all seem to have this massive stick shoved in their ass, I smile at them when I see them at an event, instead they give me this gloomy face and crossed eyebrows like I’ve done something really horrible to them (particularly the guys?). Are these kinds of looks supposed to be sexy? Or cool? May be they think not being social is the new sexy?

I don’t understand why some Iranians like to screw each other over? Hasn’t our government done enough? Haven’t we learned anything from history? Why can’t we treat each other like normal human beings? Why have we enforced this notion that to be cool you have to act like you don’t care?

I am a little crazy, nice when you get to know me and funny if you can understand my humour, and I am an Iranian who has a family here but leaves with her boyfriend, and yes it is called boyfriend, not ‘naamzad’, not ‘fiancé’, na hich koofteh zahreh mareh digeh – and no other rubbish.