Truth Induced Paranoia

A recent archaeological discovery has turned up odd bits of inscriptions painted in red ochre on cave walls located in southwestern France. These inscriptions could possibly be as old as 80 000 years, but those who have deciphered the inscriptions, swear they could have been written yesterday.

Entries in Red Ochre: ERO –e76j90

Today is Monday…in the year…in the year…way, way, way, way, way before Christ. Today, I felt an odd sensation when I saw Henry my cave husband pissing on the lawn just outside our cave. I think I may be coming down with something. I have odd powers of perception and I don't stoop as much as the other Neanderthals.

Entries in Red Ochre: ERO –e76j91

Our whole cave project is flourishing. It's mating season. Some woman got clubbed on the head and dragged away by her hair. I miss being single.

Entries in Red Ochre: ERO –e76j92

Today, I saw Henry pissing on the lawn again. I tell you, I don't know what's happening to me. I think, I felt repulsed. Since time immemorial, our people have been using urine as a means to designate their territory and ward off intruders. It's tradition. Some say, we got this habit from the antelopes and the bison.

Entries in Red Ochre: CRO –e76j93

(some experts doubt whether the following is a real entry, it may very well be a snippet of a badly written one act play) (However, it just goes to show, given enough time, even badly written plays become valuable).

Ohhh whee! Look at that rain, it's coming down like cats and dogs. Honey, honey! After the rain dies down, I’m gonna go out there and piss on the lawn.

You don’t need to piss on the lawn.

Look at that rain. It’s almost a typhoon. By the time it lets up, it’s gonna to wash away my scent.

You don’t need to piss on the lawn!

Look sweetheart. On my way home today, I nearly passed by our cave. I’m serious. The scent was so faint, I nearly walked right by our cave.

I can smell it just fine from here.

Sweetheart, listen to me. This is very important. It concerns your safety and the safety of our children. What if it hadn’t been me this afternoon? What if it had been some thug who passed by? What if he had come in here, on the off chance that the man of the cave was not present. Huh! What if he caught you all alone? Why he’d rape you and sodomize you and torture you!

Stop! Stop with the sodomy and rape. Now let me see this rain. Oh boy, that’s some rain.

A near deluge!

No more talk about rape and sodomy, okay? Look at that rain. Alright, you can piss on the lawn, but don’t piss too much! I just put down a new bed of tulips.

Come on son, me and you are gonna do some male bonding. Strictly dad and son activity.

How about me mom. I want to piss on the lawn too.

No!

Why can Jerry piss on the lawn, but I can’t?

Because Jerry is a Neanderthal like his father. Honey, you’re a...you're a Cro-magnon, yeah, a Cro-magnon. Don’t cry sweetheart. It’s better to be a Cro-magnon.

Why can’t Cro-magnons piss on the lawn?

Because they have developed alternate methods to achieve the same affect. Cro-magnons put up signs. Other Cro-magnons read them and abide by them.

Do signs stink the same as daddy’s piss?

No. And that’s the good part! You don’t like that...

Oh but look, Jerry's having so much fun! I want to piss on the lawn toooooo!

Jerry! Jerry! Get away from there. You’re splashing on my tulip bed! Oh god! Look at them. There’s got to be a better way. Jerry! I told you not to splash on my tulips!

Time passes:

Okay sweetheart. We pissed as much as we could.

Yeah! And it was fun!

It’s not fair mommy!

Jerry, please, go to the well and wash up, thank you. Honey, can you please give me a moment with your father?

Yes, but it still doesn’t make it fair!

Before you speak, I have something very, very important to tell you. It concerns your safety and the safety of our children.

I thought you just took care of that?

No, no, no. Sweetheart. While I was out there, I got talking to some of the neighbors. Seems there’s been a rash of robberies, arsons, gang rapes and kidnappings.

What! Robberies? But there’s only 7 Neanderthals living in these caves. Neanderthals don’t have much in the way of hi-fi stereos and jewelry. Gang rapes? There are 4 woman and 2 guys in our camp. At the most, it could only be a ménage trios or an orgy. Kidnappings? Why, we’re the only couple with kids. And you just pissed on the lawn with one of them, while the other was watching. I don’t understand. When did all this crime and corruption take root?

I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just told you the truth. These are scary times we’re living in, and we need to protect ourselves, and I got the perfect solution. Now listen to me to sweetheart, for years I’ve been pissing on the lawn just enough to ward off potential intruders. But word has it, there are potentially millions of intruders out there. Maybe not in our immediate vicinity, but it doesn’t matter to an intruder how far he has to travel to intrude. If he is hell bent on intruding, then he will walk half way across world to intrude. You understand me?

Not really.

Not only should we be cautious and fearful of our own neighbors here in these caves, but we should also be weary of the Neanderthals on the other side of the world.

Why?

Because, they mean us harm. Besides, they’re really not Neanderthals. Personally, to me, they’re a throw back to the Peking man.

Peking Man?

I didn’t mean to confuse you with scientific terms. They're a different kind of cave people from us. Understand? Good. Now listen to me. We got no time to lose. I want to protect us, in the only way I know how. In the only way that nature wanted me to. I’m going to build a moat around our entire property, and then I’m going to fill it with piss.

Oh may god strike me dead now. What did you say?

Let me finish now. I’m going to build a moat and fill it with piss. It’s going to take awhile and eat up a lot of resources, but once it’s finished, no one, I mean, no one, will want to bother us.

With a moat of piss, they’re not even likely to visit us. Oh my god! I can’t breath! I’m gonna have a heart attack! How can a moat filled with piss protect us!

What’s the matter mommy?

It’s nothing kids, go back to your nooks and crannies. Mommy is just having a little heart attack, that’s all! I can’t breath. Open the window! I can’t believe my ears. A moat of piss! There’s got to be a better way!