Responsibility: Powerful structure for personal fulfillment


Behnam Bakhshandeh
by Behnam Bakhshandeh

From the book “Conspiracy for Greatness; Mastery of Love Within

By: Behnam Bakhshandeh

The other force of power that causes magic and freedom in our lives is responsibility. It is vital that you become absolutely and 100 percent responsible for the quality of your life!

Responsibility begins when we make a stand for our own choices and take full ownership of our lives and what happens in it. I mean everything we have done and everything that we have caused; all of it, not just part of it.

When we are responsible, we show our willingness to own every thought we have and own up to every action we take, good or bad, right or wrong, happy or sad, enough or not enough; we did it, nobody else, just us. When we get this straight in our heads we realize that “we are the ones who make it or break it.” When we are willing to be the one to write the story of our lives and we come from the point of view that everything we do, everything we say and everything we generate in our lives are our own creation and invention. Only then we can rewrite the story of our life and write it in a way that will actually empower our future instead of suppressing it. And we must give ourselves permission to do so … to live a great life of abundance.

When we can look back into all the upsetting, sad, dramatic events of our lives and see how we were responsible for the outcome of each event we are free; we are free to be alone with ourselves. I am not suggesting that upsetting events don’t happen in our lives on their own or at the hands of others, but what makes the events more upsetting is when we drag them along behind us throughout our lives like a sack of pain. Our interpretations of these events and what we make them reflect about ourselves, others and life itself allow the upset and anger to continue in our lives. A bad situation that we lived through may not have been our fault, but the choice to rehash it over and over and to allow it to affect us negatively most certainly is. This is where we need to take full responsibility.

In responsibility as possibility, we do not blame, apply shame or assign fault. No “you did this,” “you failed us,” or “it is your fault,” pointing fingers and looking for someone else as the cause of our problems.

Notice, when you are pointing your finger toward someone or something else (besides yourself) there are always three fingers pointing back at you. I know this is an old adage, but it applies.

How do we take responsibility? Simply notice what we have done in our lives and the messes we created. In the moment that we take absolute responsibility, we notice it without any judgment against ourselves or others. We become free to choose to create something else that fits us and our purpose better! When we choose what fits our commitments and our desires of a better, more fulfilled future of being free and self-expressed, we are happier and can achieve so much more in life.

We can all come up with incidents, events or issues that we have not been totally responsible for in our lives. We are, however, responsible for our decisions and choices as they relate to the memory of the events. That is part of life; it is how we choose to deal with our issues that matters. We tell ourselves lies and then forget that we lied to ourselves about the events. Then we continue lying for years without being responsible for that which we made up. We believe our own lies. Wow. What we need is to free ourselves from the chains of our lies.

We are free at all times by default, by the design of being human. If all you do is experience feelings of upset, angry, resentful and regret it is because in most cases you don’t want to be responsible for what happens in your life, or how you want your life to be. We are crying out loud because we do not get what we want. If we do get what we ask for, it is not delivered in the manner in which we want it delivered, because we don’t want to be responsible for anything we do! Sounds crazy, but this is what not taking responsibility is all about.

By not making clear choices, not listening to others, or just continuing to do what we feel like doing, and by not considering the consequences of our actions, we get to where we are, a very unhealthy, unhappy place. You know what we are really upset about? Ourselves and where we are. Funny thing is that we put ourselves here!

We like to make decisions and choices; making decisions without thinking them through is a dime a dozen. We make choices when we are happy, content and feel safe or when everything is fine and dandy, but we don’t like to be responsible for the consequences of the choices we make. Being responsible for the consequences of one’s actions and choices is nothing less than absolute power.

If we take responsibility for our actions and view responsibility as possibility, there is no room for shame, blame and fault. What is powerful is to see what we have done and then look at what we want to do about it next. This is the key. I am not suggesting that we break our promises and our word to ourselves and to others and say, “I am responsible for it. I am sorry.” And then keep repeating it over and over again. No! I am saying let’s take responsibility by learning from our mistakes and be responsible for the damages of our irresponsibility and then clean things up.

Like I said earlier, some things we’ve done can be cleaned up with a simple apology and some by paying a debt or doing something for someone. We have to look for ourselves and figure it out. Buy a journal and write down your action steps, who you need to apologize to and what else you will do to straighten out the messes you’ve made in your life. We all know exactly what we have done and to whom we have done it and with whom we have done it.

When we are fully responsible for our lives and our actions without any expectations, the circumstances and obstacles do not determine the quality or value of our lives.

Our past will not determine how our future will play out! For example, we can be broke but not poor.

Being broke I could work on, because it was temporary – something I had to deal with and turn around in time. I was responsible for where I was; I knew I caused my situation. Being poor is a mindset that I never entertained. Being broke is a condition that has nothing to do with my happiness, nothing to do with the quality of my relationships, nothing to do with my smile, my happiness and my love for life … nothing!

Are you thinking, “Well, it is easier to say than to do”? Yes, I agree, it is not easy, but considering the alternative it was the best choice and will always leave you free. Free from holding something or someone else responsible for your happiness or the quality of your life!

Happiness is not an accident; nor is it something we wish for. Happiness is something we design. We have everything to do with our happiness and our own greatness … everything! Full responsibility for your life leaves you free and able to invent and to create your life in every moment, every hour and every day, good, bad or ugly.

Personal responsibility is an amazing gift we give ourselves and others; it is absolute freedom from having to fix ourselves, others, any situation and even life itself. Aren’t you tired of fixing yourself? It is tiring, it is hard and heartbreaking to see so many people that view themselves as “not good enough” for themselves or for anyone else. Our happiness or our sadness, our success or our failures, our loss or our gain … they all belong to us when we are responsible for all of it, not just part of it! That is why responsibility is freedom. We did it, it belongs to us, and that is that!

Now, look into your own heart and see where and how you can forgive someone or something that when you do forgive will open the doors of light and love back to your heart and soul. Believe me it is not easy, it is very hard, but again considering the alternative, why not? I can say that it is one of the best decisions I personally ever made!

I have two simple but powerful questions for you;

What are you not being completely responsible for and still blaming someone else or something else for it?

Look at all those incidences that you are blaming someone or something for and see where you can be responsible for the interpretations you have made up about it.

What do you need to clean up and with whom do you need to clean it up with?

You know exactly what these items are so just write them down and look at them later. Then decide when you are going to clean things up.


Recently by Behnam BakhshandehCommentsDate
Feb 23, 2011
ACCOUNTABLY: Being responsible before the fact!
Feb 08, 2011
Don't Dwell in Your Failures
Oct 05, 2009
more from Behnam Bakhshandeh

Emotional khaaneh takaani (spring cleaning)

by Monda on

You have included many useful ideas in your blog. Thank you for writing this.

Needing the Freedom to be Alone, to me sums up the means by which we accept responsibility for creating havoc in our lives. It is a courageous task, I agree. Honest view of one's intentions can be easier said than done. 

Thinking about your first question: The reason we remain attached to severe dysfunctions is precisely due to their seemingly arbitrary inexplicable forms. It is very difficult to take responsibility for things we cannot make sense of. So once dysfunctions are opened, then choice becomes simply to incorporate them as habits Or, change the patterns. 

This time of year my wish is for us to grab a note book and pencil to write some honest expressions of what we contributed to chaos in our lives, only during the past year. (Typing would be fine too.)