EXPECTATIONS

Great post

 'Men usually experience a sense of loss--loss of control, privileges, and
status....'

Very enlightening ... thank you for this insight. I wish I given this some thought before!

I think that the differences in cultural backgrounds very often plays an interesting role in cross cultural relationships, which is another very interesting subject for discussion on it's own. 

J

Thank You

Thank you everyone for taking time to read and post comments. I found that the article intrigued readers with different points of view which is what I hoped would happen.

A compassionate way of understanding how many men from Middle Eastern culture experience loss of control is to look at the pressure the traditioal culture imposes on them and how they feel every success and failure of the family is their responsibility. Then they move to a different country, not even knowing the language (in some cases), not having the job opportunities they used ot have, their wives are in a different social power situation, their children rebel against traditional child rearing methods, these and other changes add up to the feeling of loss of control. That is part of the reason therpy is more delicate with many Middle Eastern men than women. Needless to add, there are always exceptions.

Obama: The American man provided an opportunity for me to reflect and learn more about myself. In therapy, we call it content and process. It is not about what a patient reports in the session (content), it's the meaning behind what he/she is saying (process) that a good therapist can bring out and discuss to help the patient gain insight about his/her life.

I appreciate everyone's time and invaluable feedback.

Monda, I have replied to your technical request in a separate email. I hope it is helpful.

Sherri

This is a fascinating

This is a fascinating subject. Iranian women do feel more empowered after they move to the West. I discovered my god given rights,I never knew I had. I have several stories of these Aaroos Chamadoonis whose marriages ended up in divorce because of this new-found sense of self-worth.

Thank you for your interesting blog and comments

It is always interesting to see how personality, upbringing, and culture interact.  I think the experience of difference (especially as a "minority") is very valuable, if sometimes painful, and everyone should have it some point.  I also find immigrant family dynamics fascinating.  In many cases, immigration fundamentally changes the family power balances, whether because the new culture is more individualistic and egalitarian, and/or because women and children "integrate" faster (learning the language, making friends, adapting to the culture, etc.).  Relating to one's family and moving to a new culture are difficult enough - I have a great deal of respect for those who attempt both together!

Thanks Sherri

I understand and agree with you. I think it's customary for most Iranian women to put their own feelings and needs at the bottom of the priority list and the self denial is common. I also agree that this is mostly a female reaction. Especially for people who migrated to the west in their 20s or later: "Men usually experience a sense of loss--loss of control, privileges, and status. On the contrary, women experience a sense of opportunity, freedom and possibilities."

Thanks 

IRANdokht

Why bashing the culture for any personal failure? Your values

shouldn't change based on where you live. If you truly believe in something, you act on it accordingly.

As for men coming here, losing control, ..... .  I call it liberation! I don't want to have a slave called wife. I wanted to be with someone who would be my partner and soulmate who was smart and well educated, so I could consult her on important issues. I wanted an intelligent, compassionate woman with high moral values to be the mother of my children! I am surprised how you stereotype iranian men! Sorry you had a bad experience!

This reminds me of those would come to tehran from small towns, finding a new freedom; going crazy thinking tehrani girls were all ...... therfore, they wanted to act certain way that was foreign to them, ending up becoming much more.. shal we cal it liberal! (I am not saying you were!)  

So, you have to be true to yourself and do what is right for you. If you think, that guy wanted to date you and he could have been your husband, then keep on dreaming! More likely, he was only interested in dating you, getting a free persian taste without going there, which most men are. Yes, men receive the messages differently than women.

It is intersting to see how you have thought about that man all these years! He probably wouldn't even remember you! I think, you like to fantacize a lot! Forget about what happened! Live in the present time please! You are missing a lot about this beautiful life! Good luck! 

Dear Ms. Nader

"Sherri, do you think your response is influenced by your culture?"

The answer might have been: Do you think your question is influenced by your culture?

Look at "Belief and Cultural System" as an "Operating System"...

Dear colleague,

It was a flash back in my memory from more than three decades ago, when I first came in contact with people outside my framework of cultural and belief system. For many years, I tried, and tried very hard (like most Iranians) to change the other people. Not knowing that it was not fruitful and contrary to my intention it was also damaging my social relationship with people outside my cultural framework. For me, it took many years, and many failures, till I came to look at this issue in the context of "belief and cultural bounding" as an "Operating System" and our "circumstances and situations" as an "Application Software". Not all Applications Software would be compatible with all Operating Systems. You can not abruptly change Operating System ad hoc and switch back and forth. With a well-planned, and careful design you may be successful to write your new Application Software that is portable from one Operating System to another, it is a very hard work, that needs a skillful talented professionals like yourself with a high level of expertise to work it through gently. As for the grading the papers, and reading students’ inner-most thoughts, it is the fun part of the semester, that I enjoy, they share with me, more than what I could possibly have asked for.

Respectfully,Nosratallah  

sheri

i enjoyed your perceptive essay.  i don't think that you were rude to the customer (perhaps an awkward response).  i believe that he was rude (and awkward) as not to be direct with you and make that statement to your brother and cause you embarrasment.  in my opinion, immigrants have the luxury to go through a process where they compare their culture with the culture of their newly-adopted land and have the opportunity to reject the negative aspects of both cultures.

Thanks for the advice

With 20 years of IT (schools and career) under my belt, going back to university (major psychology!) and sitting next to bright, sleek, learning sponges in their early 20's, I cherish the advice you gave to Celina. Thanks professor.....

....

Hi! ISK,

    You wrote:
the long time customer by asking to date you was perhaps using the power of his wallet and patronage to reach a "positive" outcome.

How do you know that? How do you know that the customer was using the power of his wallet?!

wrong conclusion

The author misses some of the important points in her article.

Ever since th early 1990's law were introduced in the United States that effectively seeked to promote an non-hostile environment for American women.

Amongst the laws were:
- zero tolerance for sexual harrassment, which would be inclusive of flirting

- laws were introduced to BAN a treating doctor from dating their patient. If he planned to date, patient was supposed to be treated by another doctor

- laws were introduced to Ban an employer from dating his employees. The reason being that the employer effectively had some control over the employee and it was not fair to place the employee in a position to either choose to date her employer or to possibly lose her job.

The overall effect was that these laws helped strengthen the professionalism in the work environment.

many other changes since the 1980s also have helped protect women in the West. I remember for example, that in earlier times in Europe, many restrooms were for both sexes. Over time, more and more businesses chose to have segregated restrooms.

All these changes were the result of studies that helped shed more light about women and weaker segments of society.

In the same respect, the long time customer by asking to date you was perhaps using the power of his wallet and patronage to reach a "positive" outcome.

The author should not use her sense of nostalgia and "what could have been" to replace what is ethically and morally upright.

Cultural adaptation of defenses

Thank you for sharing of your personal experiences in this well- written article.  You posed an intriguing point about the most primitive of defenses, being Denial.

In working with adolescents of Iranian-American culture, I find that the parents' low self-esteem, lack of appropriate self-entitlement (denial of self) often leads to yet another defense in their off springs, acting out.  Mainly by substance abuse and self-harm rather than more appropriate forms of defiance. Whether the impact of parents' history with cultural "shame", leads to this acting out in the teenagers or, it is the adolescent's mirroring/ adapting to the prominent American culture, makes me wonder.  Since research has been limited, certain CBT components do not always show good outcome.

I'd very much appreciate your ideas on possible research or any type of resource, to support CBT models with Iranian-American adolescents to early adults. Or psychodynamic tools for Iranian-American parents, who may often be dealing with culturally directed multi-generational forces of shame and denial.   

Fantastic read.

This is the first time I read an utterly realistic and honest 
account of the social  effects of immigration on Iranian families,
especially when it comes  to the changed relations between Iranian men and women
once settled in a new environment.  
What is really sad is what Iranian women
endured for 1400+ years since Islam was forced on Iran from
the outside. Islam disturbed and then disintegrated the values that
Iranian women had achieved through centuries of a peaceful, and
humanistic way of life for all. Starting  with the religious influence
of the Mullahs, wisdom was claimed to be the exclusive property of men,
not whoever had better thoughts or solutions.
Lets hope that
free thinking women of "Iran Farda" pick up where they left off and go
back to what they did for centuries before Islam and not try to avenge
the horrible injustice that poisoned and detroyed their and our
mothers' lives.

Thank you so much...

As a western woman and a student of sociology and psychology you really helped me to understand your cultural transitional experience.  

Given your life experiences and insights, I believe you would make a great lecturer!  

It was also interesting to see an eastern male riposte / perspective toward your liberation and I especially admired Ari Silentz generosity of spirit.

Thanks Again :)

........

Very interesting article....this part really makes me think:

***********************
 I realize that immigrant men and women from the Middle East experience the changes differently. ............... Men usually experience a sense of loss--loss of control, privileges, and status. On the contrary, women experience a sense of opportunity, freedom and possibilities.

*********************

Thank you for your insight!

Very insightful!

"...the external cultural values and responsibilities were much greater and more influential than the internal force of being a human and acknowledging my own feelings..." A universal gem!

I can really feel it :)

I can really feel it :)

Very interesting and

Very interesting and agreeable read and thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom

I dare say, I agree with Abarmard first point. As immigrants, we all experience awkward moments in our new environment. I also believe women are better in recognizing the new opportunities offered to them in their new environment then men.

Mehrdad

Interesting blog but keep in mind

1-Some of your experiences are not exclusive to women

2-some of your experiences are time and era based

3-Being polite in different cultures generates attitude that is not workable in other parts of the world. For example Japanese would be very quiet and finds loud expressions rude. It does not always translate to lack of self confidence in where you have learned to behave as such but when the cultural behavior has been transferred to some other location where the behavioral action is not understood, then you can translate that action based on what the host culture perceives it.

3-Society changes. Next generation always breaks the rules of the previous.

Sheri,

I identified with you & your feeling as a woman who came to US to go  to graduate school.  I missed many chances and opportunities because of my cultural upbringing.  I am like you feel I wish I was aware of this destractive impulses earlier. However, thanks for your blog.